Friday, August 08, 2008

Ignorance is bliss

I yearn to be ignorant. I want to be that woman who doesn't understand how her body works - because she doesn't have to - it works and that's all that matters.

I don't know why I'm always surprised by the inadequacies of my body. Why do I have to become an expert about conception? about IVF? about ways to make an overdue baby come naturally? about breastfeeding? Part of me knows it's just my personality - I seek out the knowledge. And part of me is just bitching about the women out there who have no interest in breastfeeding but are still leaking 6 months down the road.

Theo is getting about an ounce from me every time he feeds. Obviously, nowhere near enough to sustain him. So, supplementing with formula. I am also pumping after every feed and getting about half an ounce. He gets that too. urgh. I've done everything and I know that now. 4 lactation consultants, fenugreek, domperid0ne, a tongue-tie surgery, J@ck Newman's book from cover to cover, pumping every two, a hospital pump, a good latch and a *perfect* sucking baby. I think I have insufficient glandular tissue - this is all it has to give.

I've kind of made peace with it. I will continue to breastfeed and pump as long as there is some milk there. It' s not what I envisioned, but I've done everything and I feel content that there's nothing else to be done, so it's time to move on. Hell, I was a formula fed baby and I'm smartish and have always been healthy, allergy and asthma free.

12 comments:

Travelher and Pufferfish said...

Don't kick yourself too much. You're doing everything you can and will do the right thing for Theo. Many of us were formula fed and you said it, we're allergy free, healthy, kind of smart and most of all...JUST FINE.

Heather said...

I think that he will be just fine..many people are formula babies and grow up to be healthy, smart and powerful people! Theo will be no different.

Amanda said...

Theo is amazing and will continue to be amazing...breast or bottle fed...

when E weaned himself at 8 months, my body would not respond to a pump, so we went to a bottle, used Horizon Organic formula, and we loved it. There are better and better formulas coming on the market all the time.

I am so proud of you for sticking with it -
it truly shows how much you love your son.

Anabelle said...

I too only made that much milk in the begginning. Probably for the first month. I just breastfed more often. When I started pumping every 3 hours for 15 mins my supply greatly increased. It never did with my daughter alone because she would only nurse a few minutes before falling asleep. I'm sure you're pumping well.. but at first I thought I was supposed to stop as soon as the milk stopped coming out... it wasn't until a friend told me to go at least 15 mins that I got my supply really going. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

Lo said...

You certainly have done everything. Theo has awesome, committed moms and he will be just fine.

twomomsarebetterthanone said...

amazing dedication. and while i can imagine that it is really hard to accept and move to FFing, in the end all that matters is that Theo eats.

Hugs to the moms.

Jude said...

I have hypoplastic breasts and like you, was making small amounts of milk. (I would have longed to pump an ounce!) It was hard, but I gave up the dom.peridone at 3 months and ran dry at 4 months, and honestly, after the initial big sadness, things started getting better when I stopped willing my body to "just do things right." It was hard, really effing hard, and if you need to talk you can get in touch with me anytime. Honestly. Anytime.

E, M, and the Little Man said...

I'm so sorry and I can empathize. My body didn't do what I wanted it to do either, which was to make lots of milk. I've always had a hormone imbalance, and have PCOS so it makes sense.

It killed me to supplement with formula but I had to do it. It took a long time (a few months), but eventually my milk supply evened out and he was getting enough, and I was pumping enough.

Along with all the things you have tried, I also drank stout such as Guinness (which some people think is bad, but even my doctor recommended it) and I went to La Leche League support meetings. I think those helped the most because there were other people there that had gone through the same thing. Then I knew it wasn't just me.

Hang in there (if you still want to breastfeed)! Oh, also, I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year, and my son self-weaned at about 9 months, so there ya go. Best laid plans don't always work out.

E, M, and the Little Man said...

I just read through the comments and to piggyback on what Anabelle said, pumping for a bit longer and turning it up to where it almost hurt helped me get more milk too. Since I have sensitive boobs, I didn't want to turn it up too much. But I spoke to a friend who has a baby the same age as mine and when she told me that she would pump at the max level (with the double medela pump in style), I realized I could turn it up a bit.

Don't know if that helps...but I thought I'd add it.

oneofhismoms said...

You did do everything. You are a wonderful mom.

sn said...

you are amazing, and have done loads. you've given theo such a gift already. please take care of yourself too--all that pumping is an act of devotion and masochism.

Laura said...

First of all, you are not "smart-ISH," you are a brilliant and strong woman and I am extremely proud of you. I echo everyone else who has already commented when I say that you did everything you could, and you will continue to do everything you can to help him grow into an amazing little boy. I know that you are worried because your his mommy, but as your friend, I'm not worried at all, because I know how much you are capable of...and the sky is the limit. Lots of hugs!