Well, you're probably wondering what the hell is going on, right? Right. Sorry I disappeared there. I thought I really wanted to share all this, but then I didn't, but now I do again. Confused? So am I.

See, S. and I decided that this summer would be the perfect time to do try to knock me up for the first time. No schedule, no work, no classes, us being teachers and all. We decided a while back that I would be using some of the frozen embryos from S.'s IVF that produced Theo. The sibling would be 100% biologically related, and that meant a lot to both of us. Plus, our donor isn't currently available, so the plan was perfect. Our RE looooved this idea, thought it was great and fabulous and awesome. And, so did we.

So we did it. We had to manipulate my body with birth control pills, but eventually my hormones cooperated, my protocol was followed, and a transfer ensued. Two embryos, by the way, because they are frozen in pairs. Yes, we were petrified of twins, but forged ahead.

And..guess what? I got pregnant!!! And guess what? Now I am not.

I got a great beta number 11 dpt (they were 3-day embryos), then the next beta, not so much. In the meantime, I started cramping a bit, and there was an eeensy-weensy bit of spotting. This is, of course, the day before we are to leave for vacation. Go figure.

We went ahead and left for vacation anyway, and I ended up getting another beta down in RI. The number wasn't good. It was over. I stopped my meds, my patches, and let nature tell me what was going to happen next.

And then it did. Painfully. I was most definitely not pregnant. The beautiful lining I'd been building up for weeks and weeks, plus the implanted embryos, all left me. But it was quick--the bleeding stopped after just 3 days or so. Was it a miscarriage? S. would call it so, but for me, I am loathe to call it that. It was so early, just 4 weeks or so. The word doesn't seem to fit. But, I don't know what else to say, other than--I was pregnant, now I am not.

So now what? Well, we're getting over it (I think we're both fine now), and waiting for my hcg to go back to baseline so I can get the all clear to try again. I am panicked and nerve-wracked over this. We have one more pair of embryos frozen, but the what-if monster keeps running through my head--what-if this doesn't work? Will Theo ever get a sibling? What-if the donor is never available again? What-if, what-if, what-if....

But then again..I got pregnant. Now I know my body can be pregnant. Can it stay pregnant? So...what-if it works this time? I have to stay positive (NOT in my nature, but I'm trying) and just go with the flow, I think.

There is my news. I'm sorry to share it so late. We told literally 3 people about the transfer. I didn't want to have to back track. And as it turned out, I'm glad we told no one, as the backtracking would have been necessary.

Fingers crossed as I get my body prepared for try #2.