I dreamed a dream

I have temporarily satiated my little sick doodle bug with banana chips so I have about two minutes to type up a blog entry. I think I'm ready to talk.

After getting the official news of my negative pregnancy, I purchased a bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and proceeded to eat about half the bag myself. (Yes, I am one of those. Thank goodness I haven't had to face much adversity in my life, because I'm pretty sure I'd be obese if I did.) I was pissed. I was angry. I was bewildered and infinitely sad. How could four perfectly good embryos not implant themselves successfully into my picture-perfect lining? It just seemed---unfair. Was this just the lot of my family---to have to jump over multiple hurdles and endure heartbreak after heartbreak before getting to baby? I would think once would be enough for any family to endure.

Alas, the heartbreak continues. Two mornings ago, in the foggy, vivid dreaming between snooze alarm hits, I dreamed I was three months pregnant. I was rubbing my belly. I was so happy. I did not want to wake up.

The fear behind trying again is that we do not have a Plan B for Baby B. Our frozen embryos from S.'s successful IVF cycle were our next and only plan. Our donor is "temporarily" unavailable, but who knows what that means. His specimens could be released tomorrow, or never. I am afraid to call the Bank to find out, because quite frankly, last time a representative was so rude to me that I ended up hanging up in tears. (I have to say this is an exception to the way we usually interact with this particular bank, but it was a bad one.)

So, now what?? IF....we cannot get the same donor, but still feel strongly about giving Theo a bio sibling, S. would have to give me her eggs, but according to our nurse, that is crazy expensive. If we do have the donor, do I then go through IUIs, or consider pouring the expense into again having S.'s eggs? We just don't know. I suppose the starting place is going to be our bank. It is highly likely that we are his only pregnancy, but as soon as we reported it to them, he "sold out." We never got the chance to stock up.

Jeesh, I sound like we went grocery shopping.

But seriously. I know we will figure this out, but mustering up the energy to do it seems impossible right now.

It's just not fair.

Our Wild Thing

"We'll eat you up-we love you so."

Definitely not pregnant.

Pregnancy Fail

We're watching "Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami" (there is seriously nothing on t.v. I don't even know why we're watching this garbage) and watched Kourtney Kardashian pee on 8 sticks and get a pregnant every time. Oopsies!

It makes me kind of sick.

I peed on a stick Friday morning. One lone, single pink line. So not pregnant.

Blood test tomorrow morning but we already know the answer this time.

Now what?

Shoe Dilemma Solved

I am nursing a killer shoulder right now--must have slept on it wrong (really, really wrong) last night because I can't turn my neck to look left! Yes, it's that bad. Hopefully some acupuncture treatment today will start kicking in soon.

So, since I was being the human pincushion this afternoon, S. took Theo to a kid's shoe store in town. The lady was apparently won-der-ful, a true whiz at measuring baby and kid feet. Much to our surprise, our little Theo's shoe size is officially (drum roll please): 6 extra-wide. Know what size the S.R. pair we had been jamming his feet into were? A 4!! No wonder the kid could barely walk in them. It's like when you get measured for a bra for-reals and you had been wearing a 36 C but you're actually a 40 EEE or something...So, there were only two pairs of that crazy size in the store, so S. settled on a nice pair of brown leather sneaker-type Stride Rites. I think they are from their "Sensory Response Technology" line. Cute, but the downside is they are tie, not velcro (boo).

I appreciate all the suggestions. We actually love the See Kai Runs. They fit his feet great--we had some sandals of theirs he wore all summer long. For some reason, though, we could not find any we really liked in our neck of the woods. Plus, I think he really needed his feet measured.

So, lesson learned. Bring your fat-footed kid to a shoe store, with people who actually know what they're talking about to help. Then drop more money on his shoes than you ever wold for yourself.

Fat-footed girls (and boys) you make the rockin' world go 'round

Switching topics...I decided that wallowing in the tww is a drag, so..

I'm looking for advice from mamas with large babies. Our babe, though lovable, is a tad on the big side, especially in the feet area. They're pretty wide but, moreover, they are stacked. Like, little fat pockets. So fitting his tootsies into shoes has been challenging. So far, we've been able to only fit his feet into soft shoes (Bobux, Robeez, etc.). We tried jamming his foot into some Converse All-Star high-tops to no avail (his heels would just not get in there right!), and we have a pair of Stride Rite velcro jobs. Well, Sunday we put the S.R. pair on him and suddenly, he just started bawling. I mean, crying. We took him out of the stroller to let him walk around and burn off some steam, but he crumpled to a heap to the ground screaming. It was kind of scary, to be honest. Then his grandmother was like, take that kid's shoes off! And sure enough, he gradually calmed down. His feet must have fallen asleep all squished inside his sausage casing like that.

So, the question---what shoes to put on the now-walker's feet? Something ergonomically, podiatrically (not word, I know) correct. Brands, kinds, sizes? Anything non-smooshy please.

In the Still of the Night

After a day of fireworks down there on Friday, there has been much stillness in the ute. Of course, as I am typing this, I'm beginning to feel a mild something-or-other down there begin, but all weekend, it was pretty darn quiet. I think the time for implantation has passed, so I'm really hoping the the yo-yos decided to snuggle on down into my lovely triple-layer lining.

I keep thinking of what I will think about myself if this transfer doesn't do the job. Will it mean I am truly infertile, and there is something seriously wrong with me? Because think about it. I have now had 4 perfectly perfect, healthy embryos transferred into my body. I know it's only twice, but seriously---how could it not work if my reproductive system was working the way it is supposed to? S. got pregnant with one embryo, one time. (Yes, granted, this was after 14 failed insems, but still--the embryo went in, and Theo came out.)

I need to stop thinking about what a failure my uterus is because, really, hello, I am only halfway through the tww. I don't test until next Sunday. That's like, an entire week! So I am thinking winning thoughts, jobs well done. No symptoms be damned--stranger things have certainly happened.

Post-transfer delirium

So since transfer day, which went very smoothly--both defrosted, both put back--I was on mandatory bed rest. Well, S. mandated I stay home from school an extra day and "lie down!" I tried--and I mostly succeeded. The idea of staying home in pjs and lying on the couch from the beginning of the day to the end sounds romantic, but in practice my busy mind is wandering to the many other places and things I could be doing at that moment--correcting papers; cooking; doing laundry; making the bed. I finally gave up and washed some diapers and compromised by plopping down in the unmade bed for an unexpected nap (I wasn't even tired when I went down, I swear!) that lasted 2 1/2 hours. Yikes.

Back to work today and things felt fine. I have to say I have been feeling some "twinges" and am hoping that's a good thing. More acupuncture today made me feel cleansed and mellow--hoping the cool, calm demeanor will rub off on my uterus.

No heavy lifting, no lawn mowing or kitty box scooping (yes!)--I'm barely picking up my own son. He's a heavy doodle these days, so I just let him walk everywhere and climb the stairs on his own and let S. lift him into things like high chairs and cribs.

2 days down, 9 to go.