Sunday, May 20, 2007

Rain on our (follicle) parade

This weekend was kind of a wash-out--rain, rain, and more rain. There went our grand plans for finishing up our garden boxes. At any rate, we had another u/s on Saturday morning, bright and early, only we got some sort of unexpected news--one of S.'s big follicles fizzled out and away, while we had about 3 mildly juicy one. I thought, hey, okay, 3 follicles actually maturing this far--this is good.

S. thought otherwise. I didn't realized until we were done that S. was crying on the table, and then I said something insensitive to our Dr. - "She was expecting to have about 50 mature eggs." Or, I realized later it was insensitive. When I think about it, okay, we're spending $600 a month on this new medicine, for what? Results that are only a step above what we had on Clomid, for the most part. So what's the point? What's the big, grand, expensive point??

I really think that the fact that we have more than ONE follicle is good, and Clomid did not give us that. Her estrogen levels are growing nicely and her uterine lining is good. All this is GOOD. BAD for S., though. I think she had mega-high expectations going into this cycle that fell a bit short. And, when you're pumped up with massive amounts of hormones, this can sort of set you off.

I feel sad for S. I feel sad for me. I feel sad that ttc'ing is not joyous as it is with most straight couples (I am imagining--I know it's not the reality, but at least they get to have sex in the process,for the most part). I feel sad that a baby might be conceived in a stressful environment like this. But..I feel hopful that once we get that BFP, it'll all fade and we'll leave this chapter of our lives behind us for good.


Co said...

I'm sorry for how S. and you are both feeling. It's understandable to be disappointed. It's a lot of money and a lot to put yourselves and S.'s body through. You want a *great* response, and so far it hasn't matched expectations.

I can understand if the disappointment is overwhelming, but 3 contenders -- if that's more than you've ever gotten before -- is good. Also, quality matters, too. Injectibles can help S. produce a higher-quality egg than she might produce naturally or on Clomid. So, you might not only be getting more eggs, but better quality eggs this cycle.

I released maybe 4 or 5 eggs during my injectibles cycle, and one of them fertilized and implanted. I'm convinced it was the big 22-mm follie on my right ovary. I'd never had a follie that big before when I triggered. That was my super egg. I'm convinced that's the egg that became Embryo-O (although obviously I'll never know for sure). I hope you are getting some fine quality eggs out of this. If the E2 levels are good, you probably are. That alone could tip the scales in your favor.

That having been said, if you are disappointed, you have a right to feel that way. I'm sorry the response hasn't been as good as you'd hoped.

Lo said...

all that smart stuff Co said. really will fade. Hoping for you.

vee said...

I'm sorry you're botjh feeling frustrated and I can totally understand why. But it only takes one of those little buggers to do the trick, and if, like Co said, the quality is improved, then that's a good thing.

I can totally relate to what you say about this not being a joyous process, but I hold onto what I read on someone's blog (sorry - can't give credit where it's due, becasue I can't remeber who) that even if this is not the perfect way to create your family, when you have your family it will be the perfect family. I am also often thankful that I'm not going through difficulties trying to conceive as a straight person, because I think this whole thing is fucked up and upsetting enough, without it ruining my sex life (and the possible knock-on effect that might have on the health of my relationship)!

Thinking good, fertile thought for you.

oneofhismoms said...

Apparently it eventually sucks for the straight folks, too. (Though it is much less expensive.) My friend who was TTC with her husband said she hated the babymaking sex. She felt like she was on a chain gang. So there's that. We're not alone in our misery. But look at it this way... we could be gay men who have to use a surragate (sp?) I would not trade places with them for all the Clomid in the world.