We are so wonked out and exhuasted from the flight back. We've been up for about 30 hours. I'm trying to hold out and go to bed at a reasonable time. But, I can't wait to catch up on all the blogging..tomorrow probably. Thought I'd check in and leave you with a few shots of our unbelievable trip.

The awe-inspiring Mt. McKinley. 20,000 feet of ice! A moose in our neighborhood in Anchorage. I was a moose virgin... And both of us in front of Holgate glacier, a tidewater glacier off the coast.

ALASKA or bust!

Thank you...

...Massachusetts, for letting me stay married. We didn't celebrate, but I certainly gave S. a nice peck on the cheek and told her sorry, she's stuck with me until further notice. I suppose it's a nice predicament to be in, and I know all my fellow Mass bloggers feel the same, so congrats to all of you, too =)

In other news...prepare for a blogging hiatus as we get set to travel to Alaska. We are being forced to take this cycle off, but I think we will be enjoying ourselves too much to mind (hopefully). I know we've been blogger slackers lately, but the ending of school is usually the most hectic time of year---giving and correcting exams, cleaning out classrooms, doing grades, professional development...it can be quite overwhelming, even though it's supposed to be relieving. Please know that we've been faithfully following along with all of your journeys, too, in the process of slacking off about writing of ours.

I went to graduation today--I didn't know the seniors too well, but I did teach seniors this year. It was...nice. I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did, but it really did make me proud to see the look of joy on each of those kids' faces as they heard their name called to get their diploma. Ten years ago, I did the same, and I can hardly remember it! How fast the time goes by. It can make you nauseated if you think about it too hard. Anyway, it made me think of my high school days and compare them to where I am now. Had you told me that, in ten years, I'd be married, a lesbian, living in Western Mass, a teacher, and trying to have a baby, I would have laughed in your face! What funny turns your life can take!

i can't even imagine it

It's a no...again.

And we miss next cycle because of our travel plans. At least I can have a few (or more) when we're in Alaska.

-s

Blog Bash

I have to admit, I was kinda nervous for our 'blind-date' with Western MA bloggers. I am not entirely comfortable in potentially awkward social situations - especially without a glass of wine. I was so happily relieved. Over a delicious lunch at the Noho Brewery and ice cream at H*rrells we easily chatted about incredibly good toddler behavior, travel plans, the melding of last names, jobs, seafood, religion, life in the "happy valley", pregnancy, dogs and cats, NYC, and, most importantly, a love of games. I LOVE playing games. So, the date went well. I think we may have found some real live friends!

In other news, our little doggy love, Ringo, has a tear in a valve in his heart. This is serious, but better than the news I've been expecting all week. I have to tell you, I went to school this week so I would have to stop crying. I was so incredibly stressed and worried because all the signs pointed to heart disease, which could mean weeks or months. Instead we have a dog that we have to treat like a "heart patient" - low-sodium diet, no prolonged vigorous exercise or excitement, daily medication, yearly EKG's and ultrasounds, daily tooth brushing and yearly teeth cleaning. It's all worth it - I love my dog. If my doggy-mommying is any indication of what I'll be like with a baby - WATCH OUT!

BTW, we test on Wednesday. Probably not before. I feel normal normal normal. ugh.

-s

Slow week, summer work

This feels like the slowest tww we've ever had. I don't know if that's good or bad. I can't describe it-it just feels like the world is slowing down, and at the same time flying by us. This weekend was a bit of a whirlwind, so maybe that's why time seems so screwy--a long weekend, coupled with 50 million things to do (including vegetable garden planting and a flat tire on the Mass Pike). Usually, staying busy makes the tww fly by, but it's only been one week. One slooow week. Hopefully the next week will speed up a bit. Once next week is gone, school is basically over and our trip to Alaska is one week sooner. Yippee!

In frustrating, sad, and expensive news, I took our dog Ringo into the vet this afternoon because he has a loose tooth, and she discovered a heart murmur. An EKG for a dog? A cool $230. And then, being knocked out for a dental cleaning and tooth extraction? Probably another $250 more. Add to that two new tires from our flat on Saturday and another potential month of injectibles and that equals two broke teachers. Guess who's working this summer?!

Blue Light Special, Aisle 9

There has apparently been a run on SuperSperm since we've ordered him. We checked out his profile again last night, only to find that he now has "limited availability." What?! He was fresh and copious a mere 2 weeks ago! I knew he was too good to be true (isn't that always the way with the good ones?)!

So--what does this mean? For us, nothing yet. We don't know if S.S. and S.'s eggs met and lived happily ever after in her uterus, and won't know for 2 weeks. And then what...will we keep trying with him? What if we want to keep going ad nauseum with him, carrying him with us into potential IVF cycles and then he's not available anymore? We've never faced this particular dilemma before, though I know of it happening to others around the blogosphere here. It's really...aggravating! Someone else--taking my baby daddy? The nerve! Before now, I'd never considered our anonymous sperm donor "public property" but that's totally what he is. Guess I should get used to sharing.

S.S. to the Rescue!

For the first time in a looong time, S. had a relatively painless insemination. Fairly easy going in (though the curve of her cervix always trips up that catheter!), and...NO CRAMPING afterwards. We were shocked. We each took the whole day off of school to allow S. to recover and me to attend to her, but she ended up being just a little bit sleepy and pretty much fine. We're attributing this to our new sperm sample, who we like to call "Super Sperm" (or S.S.). He can do everything--including be nice to S.'s uterus. So we are starting off on a great foot, I think.

Though S. thinks it's all b*llsh*t, the nurse told us today it's not the quantity of follicles, but the quality the injectible meds can produce--which you fine folks out there have sort of been telling us all along. I bought it--I just hope S.'s uterus bought it, too.

Rain on our (follicle) parade

This weekend was kind of a wash-out--rain, rain, and more rain. There went our grand plans for finishing up our garden boxes. At any rate, we had another u/s on Saturday morning, bright and early, only we got some sort of unexpected news--one of S.'s big follicles fizzled out and away, while we had about 3 mildly juicy one. I thought, hey, okay, 3 follicles actually maturing this far--this is good.

S. thought otherwise. I didn't realized until we were done that S. was crying on the table, and then I said something insensitive to our Dr. - "She was expecting to have about 50 mature eggs." Or, I realized later it was insensitive. When I think about it, okay, we're spending $600 a month on this new medicine, for what? Results that are only a step above what we had on Clomid, for the most part. So what's the point? What's the big, grand, expensive point??

I really think that the fact that we have more than ONE follicle is good, and Clomid did not give us that. Her estrogen levels are growing nicely and her uterine lining is good. All this is GOOD. BAD for S., though. I think she had mega-high expectations going into this cycle that fell a bit short. And, when you're pumped up with massive amounts of hormones, this can sort of set you off.

I feel sad for S. I feel sad for me. I feel sad that ttc'ing is not joyous as it is with most straight couples (I am imagining--I know it's not the reality, but at least they get to have sex in the process,for the most part). I feel sad that a baby might be conceived in a stressful environment like this. But..I feel hopful that once we get that BFP, it'll all fade and we'll leave this chapter of our lives behind us for good.

How To Tell If Your Wife Is On Injectible Fertility Meds

1. She cries 3 times a day at school, for both happy and sad reasons
2. She bawls you out for accidentally running over the curb pulling out of Dunkin' Donuts in her car, letting you know you can never drive a small car and can only and ever driver a big, clunky truck
3. She swears and kicks at the lawnmower repeatedly
4. It's her birthday, her favorite time of the year, and she isn't interested at all

Can we say these hormones are having some effect on our little S? You betcha! The ultrasound today revealed that she has 3-4 follicles on one ovary and 1 on the other. Kind of disappointing, actually, so we're upping her dosage for the next 3 days. Should be a blast given the weekend's outbursts above. But as long as it works, I can tolerate any of it.

Do you hear that, baby? I love you, outbursts and all! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

--cd

Injectibility

Well, seeing as our last cycle was yet another failure, here we are on to injectible meds. Yes kids, on to the expensive stuff. $50 a dose. There is $600 worth of drugs sitting in my refrigerator as I type. Last night was our first injection, and I actually wasn't nervous at all, and S. took it like a champ. When she got home from school today, I asked if the medication was giving her any strange side effects, to which she replied: "I cried three times." What?! Well, I laughed at her, but I thought it was a good sign because it meant her hormones were really raging around down there.

Then there's this tricky thing about Fifth's disease..I guess one of S.'s student's siblings has it, and her student may have it, but it's one of those things you don't know you have until you have a rash and by then you've already infected the next person. For those of you who don't know, Fifth's disease is kind of like chicken pox and is HIGHLY dangerous to pregnant women. Our real estate agent, in fact, lost her baby when she was 5 months pregnant because her daughter brought it home. How heartbreaking is that? Our nurses at the clininic, however, were remarkably nonchalant about the whole thing, assuming S. is already immune due to her many years working with little kids. We'll find out Sunday, but in the meantime, we're still taking meds with the chance that we may have to stop this cycle if we find out S. is not, in fact, immune. And there will be $200 worth of G*nal F shot into her belly, all for nada.

In happier news, we're going to the first Brimfield Antique Show this weekend and then a birthday party with people we love hanging out with. Yipster!

Happy Bloggiversary!

It's been a year to the day that we have been posting our travels in the land of (in)fertility. Sigh. I miss the naive days when I thought I could do this "naturally", when every twinge was a potential sign of pregnancy, when I treated everyday like the tww, when we gazed at my cervix lovingly and temped every single day, when the drugs were just a small co-pay, when shopping for sperm was silly and exciting. I am exhausted, sad, and really really disapointed. I need to get some of the hope back.

As I sat at my 30th birthday party, drinking seltzer, in my first tww, I remember thinking "at least next year I'll have a baby to celebrate with - or at the very least, I will be pregnant." Here comes 31.

Sorry so low.

Yesterday I had a giant DD caffeinated ice coffee, a 6 pack of Opa-Opa Red Rock Ale, and a half-pack of M*rlboro Ultra Lights. Can you guess what the pee-stick said?

I guess strange stomach feelings are *not* a sign of pregnancy for me. This is never going to happen.

waiting

I've noticed (my research being the million blogs I read) that some women LOVE to pee-on-a-stick and others hold off as long as they can. I am of the latter group. I will wait wait wait and just hold out hope for as long as I can. And that's a long time because the prometrium bullets I'm taking hold off my period - so I have to test. Other women start on 10dpo, testing each day until the positive or until the period comes. I couldn't stand that daily disapointment.

So here I am, 13 dpiui, and I haven't yet tested. And I don't plan on testing tomorrow. I just can't do it and then go to work with young children. Bad for the psyche. Sometime over the weekend, I promise.

-s

Halfway there!

7 dpiui. Halfway home. I'm trying a different approach this time around. I've decided not to talk about it too much - here or in real-life. Keeping this go-around low key.

On another note, the fertility pharmacy we're working with "accidentally" shipped and charged me for next months injectible meds. Oops. Yes, $600 worth of gonal-f is sitting in my refrigerator. Medication I **hopefully** won't need. I've worked it out with the company that I will be able to return it if necessary. Annoying...

But wouldn't that make a great story? How ironic!
-s

Cranky Pant

I can't stop eating nacho chips and I need to go downstairs to cook something REAL to eat. Just a quick update, though...obviously S.'s cramps subsided--but not for about an hour, and she was really out of commission. I heard this was bad--one of the book we've read said that cramping causes unnecessary distress in you uterus, making it less likely to accept sperm. But...then I read a bunch of message boards where women had terrible cramping after an IUI and got pregnant that cycle, so who knows--guess every body is different. The nurses and Babymaking Clinic told her to take some extra-strength Tylenol (which does squat for S. most of the time, but oh well).

That's all...that and S. and I are really aggravating each other. I think we need to get outside--we've been cooped up too long!

Commence IUI #7

The deed is done. It happened this morning. I can't post a long, detailed post because C.'s mom is in town and that's rude. But a quick update...necessary. It was relatively painless at the office, but an hour after, starting in the grocery store parking lot, I got the WORST cramps. I cramped constantly for about and hour and a half. It was really painful - severe cramping. Has that ever happened to anyone? Is there still a chance this could work? I like of to think of the sperm in the uterus dancing around banging into the walls because they're so excited to be here. But I'm worried that the sperm got in there and said, "Woh, I heard she's a lesbian, let's get the hell out of here!"

Why Straight Women Can Be Annoying

I love straight women. Really, I do. LOVE them. Most women I know and love are, in fact, straight women. But sometimes, when it comes to their fertility, they just don't know how lucky they have it!

Example. We went to our "How To Shoot Expensive Meds Correctly Into Your Body" workshop with a lovely nurse from the hospital. 2 other women were there, both definitely straight and without their husbands present. The first problem is that the seminar is very hetero-centric. Not that I was offended by that, but the nurse made sure to tell ALL of us, without exception, that after we take the hcg shot, we should have intercourse that night. Hmmm....now, I could, indeed, have intercourse the same night, but it probably wouldn't have the same result as these other two women.

Okay, problem number two was that the nurse assumes that everyone's uber-expensive fertility drugs are going to be covered by insurance, as are all the procedures (IUI, ultrasounds, etc.). For us, not so much. So that really vexed me. And here's why it vexed me more--these other two women, while I'm sure were perfectly nice, clearly didn't have as great a clue as WE, the two gay women who aren't having their procedures covered. We know what an IUI is, we know how to go through the rigamarole of inseminations, we know what an HCG shot does, and we know when we can inseminate after an HCG has been given. These two didn't seem as clued in. Now granted, if they're at this point in their conception--to the point of injectible fertility meds, that is--they probably have some clue as to their inner working. You know, timing ovulations, temping, blah blah blah....but it just didn't seem like they were on the same page as us.

I guess I really shouldn't be crowing about this, because for one thing, their sperm is free, and another, the meds are probably covered. So what do we get for being so knowledgable and with it? A big, fat credit card bill.

Pokey little puppies

Looks like we're on the slow boat this month, not the express train. S.'s follicles, while still numbering more than 1, are growing very, verrrrry slowly. I think the biggest one right now, from Thursday to Monday, grew from 10 to 14 mm. Hmmm...the u/s tech told us to come back Thursday, which is so ridiculous because we have to go there on Wednesday for injectible meds. orientation. And I assume we'll also be back Friday or Saturday for the insem. That's just way more days than I'd like to spend at the hospital.

In other unrelated news...this rain is just ridiculous. We honestly thought the "brook" behind our house was going to bust up over the bank and flood our house. The brook looked more like a gushing white-water rapids yesterday. We were afraid to let Ringo, our doggy, out back too far for fear he'd get swept away! Ahh! Luckily the Westfield River has seemed to recede some, enough that we're not afraid that our house is going to get washed out. Fun vacation times!

U/S update

Took a gander at my follies this morning. They are small - all about 10mm - but there are 3 on the left and 1 on the right. I've decided to take this as good news. Small, yes, but the amount is a big improvement. Now, no way to know right now if they will all keep growing at the same pace, but it's a good start. It's different than the past - and at this stage in the game, different is good. Let's do a recap:
1st try at R.E.(Clomid)-day 12, 1 follicle 25mm, triggered at office, insem 24 hours later
2nd try at R.E(Clomid)-day 11, 2 follicles 15mm, triggered days later, insem 36 hours later
TODAY(Clomid) - day 11, 4 follicles 10mm, going for another ultrasound Monday AM....

Weird, but there is a pattern there. Slower growing follicles, but more of them. Any similar experiences - particularly good ones?

What this also means is that I will be able to head into the city this weekend! Yeah! We've been feeling the need to get out of the cold wet country. Drink some wine (I know, tsk..tsk), plan our trip to Alaska with friends, and celebrate a friends 30th!