Smooth operators

IUI complete! Baby factory doctors are GOOD. Oh my god, was she good. It was so easy. No cramping, no waiting, no hesitation, no tenaculum. (If you don't know what that is google it and then protect your private parts.) I guess that's why it's a bona-fide baby factory. It makes my NYC inseminations feel a little...well...dirty. Dark abandon hospital room, Dr. carrying our equipment in his pocket, warming sperm in unknown nurse's coffee mug (yes, that happened!) without a thermometer or microscope, tenaculum present and used. As much as a loved Dr. K, I just didn't realize what this "should" be like.

So, I'm feeling good. Really good. 1 DPO good - we ALWAYS feel good during this part of the tww. I am going to try to remain calm, open-minded and relaxed over the next two weeks. I'm going to go to as many yoga classes as my body and wallet will allow. And...I'm going to Philly for New Years where my long-lost friend is going to take such good care of me and give me lots of lovin'!
-sp

Plump up the volume...

I guess S.'s ovaries responded to the Clomid, because she had a plump, juicy 22mm follicle ready to bust out of there. So, she had the HCG shot TODAY, which means we're insemming TOMORROW. I have to call out sick for school, which makes me sad. I did want to say good-bye, Merry Christmas, see you next year, etc., to my students. Plus I have like, no sub plans ready, tomorrow being the last day before Christmas vacation and me planning to do things like read "Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus" and analyze the deeper meaning behind it. Um, yeah. (I'm an English teacher, can't you tell?)

So, tomorrow is our day. First insem. at the baby factories--and with strangers. We always had Dr. K. do ours; it was personal and cozy and intimate, and now we'll be one of many passing through that day, hoping sperm and egg miraculously join while we sit it out for the next two weeks. Merry merry!

Plump 'er up!

We have been quite the slacker bloggers lately. Holidays plans have basically swallowed us whole and all we've been doing is shopping, cleaning, and planning. We decided to have Christmas Eve at our house this year--a move prompted by my missing of the traditional Italian Christmas Eve called Night of the 7 Fishes. No one knows why we crazy Italians eat 7 fishes on Christmas Eve, but it's a tradition that I whole-heartedly miss (FYI for those who don't know--S., my dad, and I can't be in the same room, house, or state together due to my father's lack of acceptance of my "lifestyle"--so no more family holiday gatherings for me, unfortunately).

Baby planning is going well. S. goes in for an ultrasound tomorrow to check the status of her plump Clomid follicles. Of course, with a new doctor's office, there's a whole new set of procedures to follow and forms to fill out. We finally got it straightened out, but not before I had a mini-nervous breakdown last night about taking care of all the details. I've been very emotionally fragile lately and little things have set me off. It makes me wonder what kind of mother I am going to be--will I always be so impatient with my kids as I am with life? That's not good.

But back to babies..looks like we may be insemming either right before or immediately after Christmas--we're going to learn how to administer the HCG shot ourselves so that we can do it on Christmas day if need be, putting us in a good spot for a Dec. 26th insem. We're hoping the higher doses of Clomid this cycle will make those follicles numerous and plump.

*deep sigh*

Not our turn yet. 5 days ago, I would have sworn I was pregnant. nope. This process f*cks with your head in a serious way.

Miracle of...ewwww, weird....

Not that we're there yet, but S. and I thought it would be fun to rent The Miracle of Life from the library to prepare us for what happens inside the body when a baby is growing there. You know, to remind us of what may be going on inside of S.'s body right now. The only thing either of us remembered from our 8th grade (S.) and 9th grade (me) viewings during health class was the lady's bush, following by her popping out a kid. And sure enough---that's pretty much the only thing we remembered after watching it again!

Not that it's "gross" per se--but S. definitely felt a pang of nausea after watching it. The woman filmed gives birth for all of like, 2 minutes, and without a scream to be heard. Aside from the "money shot" (as S. referred to it), it was fairly fascinating to see the sperm and egg interact inside the body, and then to see them on a molecular level. I had no clue what I was looking at half the time, but it was cool anyway.

We're almost done with the tww. We're feeling, well..I don't know. Inconclusive. S.'s boobs hurt a lot this week, following by not hurting today, so who knows. We're trying to hold out testing until Tuesday, then we need to figure out whether we should go in for a blood test at the baby factory--it would really suck if S. was actually pregnant and had stopped taking her progesterone supplements (aka "hoo-hah bullets") because we never went in for a beta. So that's our stat. No news yet, but soon to come!

Thanks for Wreaths and Suppositories

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Hope Turkey Day went swell. This time last year, we were watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and had ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from Fresh Direct. It was swell. This year was a little different. We not only made dinner, but made wreathes. Wreathes! Made with freshly-snipped greens from S.'s parents yard. They looked like that. Snazzy, right? (Mine is the one in the middle. It's leafy and wild, like me!)

Anyway, we think all went well for the insem. S. is feeling some twinges, but of course I know it's her obsessing. Stupid me forgot to take the tank to school with me. I know what you're thinking--you showing your students your sperm tank or what?! But the FedEx facility is about 10 mins. from school. OR about 40 mins. from our house. So now I have to call tomorrow to find out if I can drop it off Monday. Our doc has S. on progesterone suppositories, which is fine. The weird thing about them is that they're the same one Dr. K. had prescribed her to take ORALLY. These are to be taken VAGINALLY. Is that not totally bizarre?! I understand it's the same thing, and it's better to be taken vaginally than by mouth (you know, closer proximity, better absorption, etc.), but it's just weird. And S. is starting to get that wonky progesterone feeling. She didn't turn into uber-bitch, but felt just a litte---off--the last time she took them. So, let's hear it for TWW! I honestly feel like it's our first real one in a while, since the last one we already knew wouldn't work. It's a nice feeling, actually, and I don't think I'm minding it so far. Of course, ask me how I feel about it in about a week and I'll probably have a different answer. --cd

The Sperminator

Well, today was the day. After grappling with whether we should do it last night, this morning, skip work and do it today, or just this afternoon, we decided we would each go to school for the day and meet back home at 3:00. I had to skip my faculty meeting for this and I think S. missed dismissal. Hope I'm not in trouble!

Anyway, I actually SAW the cervix this time. I took the liberty of looking at it while S. was at the baby factory, so I knew what it should look like and then voila! There it was. It was like magic and it just popped right into view. So, hopefully I coated it well with the swimmers and the rest of them have found their way up into the uterus okay.

I'm relieved it's over. It'll be super-sweet if this works. If it doesn't, I think we'll both be happy to be doing the next cycle at the doctor's office. The stress of when to do the insem. was killing us all yesterday and today. We're terrible at making decisions and sticking with them, and when you're making a $500 (or lifetime, depending on how you look at it) decision like this, it makes you ridiculously stressed and anxious--which we all know is no good for babymaking. So!! Hats off, sperm tank--I won't be sad to never see you again. May you be a remnant of our past lives and endeavours, something to laugh and reminisce over--but never, ever be in our bedroom, again!

READY

I'm 1 to 2 days away from a peak reading - I can feel it. Plenty of fluid, some ovary aches. C'mon! Baby Daddy is here and I'm ready. I mean really ready. Really really ready. I want everyone we know (and those we don't) to send a good vibe, a comment, or a prayer our way over the next few days. I'm feeling the need for some lovin!
-sp

How about a baby IN a Louis Vuitton?

Well, the appointment went well. I like her. I felt the baby factory feeling, but if the end result is...well...a baby, ok. She had a resident with her who did all the work, the notetaking, the exam, the history. I think we surprised them both by knowing so much about my cycle. I mean I told her like 5 times that I have short luteal phase, but she wasn't hearing it until I said that I ovulated on day 20 last cycle and got my period on day 29. Her response..."wow, clomid should help you!" I remember that last time with the meds I was not so gung-ho afterward. Will I regret it again? I don't know.
We plan to go ahead and do one more at-home insem this month, timed with the fertility monitor. It's kind of like a hail-mary. Unfortunately, we find out that insurance kicks in after an entire year of trying (which is quite progressive - go MA - some states have no infertility coverage). However, one year of trying means one year in the doctors office, of covering our own bills. $$$ - I hope we don't run out. The 3 iui's we did in NYC count, but not our at-home insems. Policy is "12 months of contact with sperm," now why won't they cover us at home when they cover every other hetero couple who does it at home? The heteros I know who are trying don't even know when they ovulate! I understand the frozen/fresh factor, but if we were trying at home with fresh, would they cover us? I think not. Damn heterosexist society! Bah humbug, it is what it is! And, though I'm scared to admit it...I feel lucky this cycle for some reason. If it happens at home the RE apt. is redundant - saving us mega-bucks and a lot of energy and ifrustration. Today is day 10 - so about a week from now we need all the hopes and prayers in the world. C'mon baby...Mommy wants a Louis Vuitton for Christmas!

Soup it up

We're going to the city after our dr.'s appointment tomorrow. I really don't know what to expect at the doctor's, I really don't. I don't know what it means that we'll be working with an R.E., and I don't know what else she can do for us. So, here's hoping this isn't a horrendous experience that makes me feel as if I'm in a baby factory. The only happiness I feel about it is that they probably have a great deal of experience helping lesbos get pregnant, it being in Western Mass and all--so! Here's hoping our midwestern R.E. has an open mind and is a good shot with a syringe and catheter.

And..we're eating soup dumplings this weekend. Can't get much better than that!

We're sell-outs

Obviously, S. did not go on a mad hunt for sperm. It's nice to daydream about, but it's just something we would never, ever do. To add to the annoyance of this cycle, our r.e.'s office called Tuesday to inform us that, less than a week before our appointment, we couldn't see this doctor because she wasn't taking any new patients. Apparently, the dumbass who made our appointment was unaware of this. Now we're pushed back to 11/10, which likely means another cycle at home. We're not really happy about this at all, but we just want to get it out of the way. We know that we'll pretty much never see our doctor again after this one appointment, and just be working with the techs and nurses when we go in for ultrasounds and IUIs. It's just the reality of going to a big infertility clinic, and at this point I think we're both willing to accept this. It will be hard for us, since we were so used to seeing Dr. K. every single time we went into the clinic in NYC, and HE was the one who inseminated us--but we're willing to throw that close relationship away and sell it out for some answers and some stirrups.
--cd

Can I buy you a drink?

I got a peak reading and all my signs are lined up - if I had sex TODAY I would get pregnant. I am going on a mad hunt for sperm.

Anyone have some extra sperm?

Yup! She's right...totalled. We need the "real stuff" to do this. Fresh sperm, aka "man-goo" has so many advatages - it lives longer, swims better and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. It's too much money and too much stress to play this guessing game any longer. From now on, Dr. monitored cycles or we need to ask someone for the swimmers! That's a hard decision..but it sure would make things easier. We suck at this. We question everything and keep making bad decisions. Boo!

Totalled Sperm

When the insurance company says your car is "totalled," it stands for "total loss"--as in, there is absolutely nothing salvagable about your car. We just totalled $500 worth of sperm. It went crashing into S.'s not-so-open (apparently) cervix and was destroyed. Now S.'s cycle is basically unsalvagable.

At least, that's how I'm feeling right now. I know I was kind of lighthearted about it before, but this morning the fertility monitor got a peak reading--meaning, S. is about 24-48 hrs. away from her LH surge. Obviously, the swimmers we injected Thursday night are long-gone and have zero chance for survival until S. ovulates.

I just feel so pissed off! I knew this would happen-it's really just our luck. Why couldn't S.'s body have held off getting her peak reading until tomorrow--at least then, we could have ordered sperm and had them on our doorstep by Tuesday with enough time to insem. ::sigh:: I have some cervix investigating to do, because I swear there was more fertile mucus last Thurs. than there is now. WTF? I'm so confused by S.'s cycles, as is S., that I just can't wait to get back to the dr.'s office, where they can monitor the little egg follicle so we know when that baby's about to drop. I feel kind of like a failure for feeling that way--and not being positive about doing it at home---but for us specifically, this is just a better way. More power to those couples who attempt and succeed at home-I have the utmost respect for you, especially now that we've tried (and failed) twice!

Timing is everything...

...and our timing really sucks. For the second month in a row, I think we missed S.'s peak fertility period. Last month, we blamed it on the monitor, because it broke and we kind of slacked on the other parts of fertility monitoring. This month, there really isn't much of an excuse, other than S. can never seem to get a peak reading, and now she feels like her cervical mucus is "shrivelling up." Great. And here we are with a tank of sperm in our hallway. ::sigh:: We're hoping against hope that even if she ovulated, the egg is still descending. Otherwise, as S. so eloquently put it today, "it's like rolling up a $500 bill and sticking it up your tw*t." So classy, that one.

Timber!

Wow! I actually followed through with something and downloaded our tree pictures. Exciting, right? So, here you go...

S., looking anxiously on with baby Zachary (our buddy Larry's baby-he was there to help our tree dude chip all that brush!)

Here's our tree dude with the ill-fated fir. (See him in the orange?)

Bye-bye big tree! May you have a happy life as firewood and mulch. ::sigh::

Buh-bye trees!

We had an interesting and long day today. Weird Tree Man, along with our buddy Larry and their assistant, Creepy Old Vet Dude With the Hydraulic Dump on His Truck (I'll just call him "Creepy Dude") came to take down not 1, not 2, but 3 trees total from our backyard. They actually ended up taking down 4 including a dead one on our neighbor's lawn. Our neighbor recently lost his wife and has been so depressed he hasn't managed to get out to mow or do anything in regards to keeping up his lawn. So, between me, S., and our neighbor Ted, we do things around the yard to keep it up.

Anyway, back to the trees. It was sort of traumatizing watching this huge, beautiful, 50-year-old (at least) fir tree come down. First, it was traumatizing because S. was holding Larry's baby and felt like the tree was going to crash down on both of them. Kind of scary. Needless to say, she went inside with the baby. Next, it was just sad to say, "Well, tree, you're perfectly healthy, but you're just in the way, so buh-bye! Have a nice life as firewood!" S. and I are relatively environmentally-conscious people. We recycle, S. drives a responsible vehicle, and we don't waste water, oil, or electricity. So this seemed really out there for us, to take down a tree for the sake of our yard's vanity. Was it wrong, or was it all in the name of making our house a happy home? Well, the results really do speak for themselves--the yard looks, like, really good (if I'm ever in the mood, I'll post pictures, but I'm notoriously lazy when it comes to downloading stuff of the digi cam).

And..you know what? We're just sad people lately, to be honest. We really want a kid!! Seriously, man--it's like, let's just get pregnant already! And we miss our life in NYC, and our friends, and the places where we hung out. We're homesick for a home that was never really ours, and babysick for a baby we don't have yet. What is wrong with us?!
--cd

I might even smoke!

Well, she's here again. F*cker. It's not that I didn't know she was coming. In fact, I knew I didn't ovulate because my temps were all fucked up. Still sucks...
I'm excited though for our next cycle with my new vitamins and working fertility monitor. It's like turning over a new leaf. Plus, I'm going to ask my doctor for a referral to an RE tomorrw. So, that's like a light at the end of the tunnel - well, I hope so at least.
On the bright side - I'm getting LOADED this weekend!

Baby not on our mind

We had a big weekend--we got the heat plumbed through the rest of the house. (Well, not us--the plumber and S.'s dad did it.) Man, they worked their little fannies off, but they got it all done in a day and a half. Good work, men!

As for us, we had a little tag sale on Saturday. We made about $75, and we only sold crap! The people around here really weren't into paying $50 for a set of end tables or a nice set of dishes. Instead, they went for the 25 cent books, some baskets, journals, and like I said--other crap. Works out for us, though! We get to have dinner out next weekend from the profit.

On the baby front, S. still hasn't gotten AF, but we're pretty sure she's not pregnant. I mean--no sore nips, no weird twangs in the belly, and she sure hasn't been acting pregnant--she's been drinking some beer and wine--definitley not your typical tww behavior. We're also about 99.99999% sure she never ovulated. So, yeah, it probably didn't work. However, she has her dr.s appt. on Wednesday, so she can finally get that referral to an R.E. So hopefully, we'll be doing our insems in stirrups, just like she prefers!

Oh, and that mouse--caught him on Saturday, too--those clap traps are really way more humane than the glue traps, because the little guy is killed instantaneously. On the glues they starve to death, which is way more cruel and could take days and days. Gross either way, but I put him in our compost pile to he can rejoin the earth with the other decomposing things out there. It was my way of saying good-bye and thanks for not pooping on the kitchen floor anymore!

Animal Woes

Well, I know that it's nothing compared to what Marta and Eileen are going through with their pets over at mom-n-mama, but we're having some animal issues of our own over here in babymaking town. S, our friend Rose, and I came home Saturday evening from the Big E (which kicks butt, and if anyone is ever around during the Big E they should go, because it's the best county fair ever, except for the one on the Vineyard). Anyway, so we get home, go upstairs, and I notice there's a little yellow circle on the carpet. I reach down to touch---wet. I smell--definitely pee pee. I call to S., who is standing in the doorway of our "nursery" in front of a ring of cat poop. A ring of fresh cat poop. Um, eww.

So, our cat is pissed off at us, clearly. Either she hates her litter (probably not--she's not that picky except that she hates crystals) or she hates us (way more likely). See, ever since Ringo the doggy love muffin came into our lives, we admit we've been showing her less attention and affection. But we still love her and she does come and sleep on the bed with us (when Ringo doesn't chase her off--oh jeez).

Then, we made the mistake of taking all of the "forbidden toys" out of storage at S.'s parent's house and giving them to Ringo all at once. A "forbidden toy," in case you were wondering, is a toy that Ringo can't handle sharing or having. He won't leave its side to do anything (eat, sleep, pee), and if you go near him while he has it, he growls or barks at you and starts shaking uncontrollably. As I type, he's downstairs guarding all 3 of his forbidden toys (a bird, a sheep, and a little fuzzy round thing that squeaks). He's been there since last night. He won't move. He hasn't eaten. He's barely gone outside for more than 1 minute to go to the bathroom.

So why are we letting him have these? The theory goes that if we just leave him alone, he'll get over it and realize we're not going to take his toys away and he won't be possessive over them anymore. He's proving our theory wrong, of course, but we want to have faith in this little guy, because what happens when he claims our baby's toy as his own and won't give it back? He's never snapped at us, but you never know what he's apt to do around someone more his size, at his level--a kid may seem more intimidating to him. So--you can see why we're attempting to work out this problem.

We also have a mouse stalking our kitchen. Luna is guarding the refrigerator like it's Buckingham Palace waiting for that sucker to make an appearance, but he hasn't yet been so bold. Yes, I am setting down a mouse trap, the clap-trap kind, and I don't care what you think about me!

On the cheerful side of things, I called the ClearBlue corporation today and they completely replaced, free of charge, our minitor--and it's on its way back to us just in time for S.'s next cycle to begin in a few days (providing our last home insem didn't work). Phew!
--cd

Not schweaty balls...

Jeesh, not everyone knows what a swustache is, so I thought I'd translate - sweaty moustache. That's right. You know, when your upper lip sweats. It's an unattractive weird thing that my body does when my temperature rises, or I'm nervous, or..inseminating, apparently. Not like I can help it!
--cd

Give me the stir-ups!

It's funny, in the beginning I really wanted home inseminations - thinking they would be more relaxed and romantic and intimate. NOT SO. There is just nothing sexy about a syringe full of sperm (yuck, it smells) being stuck up my tw*t by a woman who, yes, I do love, but has a sw-ustache. And the panic and indecision about the timing and the placement. And just the stress of keeping the stuff inside. ugh. I miss the stir-ups. Boy, I never thought I would say that.
It would be f*cking ubelievable if this was it. I just can't imagine that Dr. K, doing IUI's, couldn't get it right over 3 months of trying and we did during that one night of, dare I say, chaos.
-S.

Totally inappropriate to be blogging right now, but...

I've just (like, 3 minutes ago) inseminated S. with our donor's sperm. It was really scary and I was sweating (not the image S. would like to be left with if this insem. happens to work, but oh well).

That's all--I just thought it was remarkable that I just did that. Me! S.! Us! Joyously galloping down the road to fertilization (we hope).
--cd

Where, oh where has my little cervix gone...

I would make a lousy gynocologist.

Not only do I not know the plural of cervix, I can't find it either. Where is this thing? I see mounds of flesh with leaky stuff. It must be around there somewhere, right? Maybe S. is just ovulating later and later these days, preventing me from seeing the open os. Perhaps the speculum isn't big enough. Or, I just suck. I don't know what my problem is, but I just can't seem to say with enough confidence, "I found it! I've got the golden ticket!"

This is frustrating for a number of reasons, but mostly because we're inseminating within the next 7 days. A tank of sperm is flying somewhere in a FedEx plane over our fair country on its way to my front porch by tomorrow morning. I have syringes in the waiting . What I don't have is the cervix. You've noticed most of my posts have been centered around this organ (is it an organ?). It's because I'm obsessed with it because I can't find it (or at least positively identify it). Jeesh. If I'd have know this would be the tricky part about the insem., and not the logistical end of it (which used to be the hardest part), I would have stuck to doing it in the dr.'s office.

Cervix slacker

I'm a cervix-slacker. I should have been looking at S.'s cervix ever since her period was over, but I haven't. We just haven't had any time to do anything except work, work, work. Tonight, I did not bring home any papers to grade. I will read the prologue to Canterbury Tales, write my lesson for tomorrow, and gaze deeply and lovingly into what I think is S.'s cervix and see what's up. We got our syringes today from Chris (hooray!) so it's kind of just hit me that--hello--we have some inseminations to be doing here, people! Wake up! I think both S. and I have been in a fertili-daze--not really focusing on it, although S. has been good about her temps and charting like a good girl. I think after feeling so frustrated about spending hundreds of dollars on a monitor that doesn't work, we weren't feeling up for the task, but I'm feeling ready to go again. Here's hoping our timing works out for our first cycle sans the HCG shot.

i really hate...

...the anniversary of 9/11. i don't want them to say anything about it at school tomorrow. i don't want to watch the news. i don't want anyone to talk to me about it or ask me about what i was doing that day or anything else. i just can't deal with significantly-numbered anniversaries of anything bad, because then it makes me feel old and it makes me feel...just bad. 5. 5 years??!!! what the heck...

i know this has nothing to do with pregnancy or cervixes, but i just had to share it, because..well...i don't know, just because. because the burning stench still lingers in my nostrils if i squeeze my eyes and think hard about it, because the people looking dazed and stumbling up broadway are as good as in front of me, and because i don't live in nyc anymore--i just don't want to talk about it.
--cd

Busy, busy, in a tizzy...

Hurry, hurry, hurry, 'till it's done! We've been working our little arses off to get our house in ship-shape for a housewarming party we had today, hence the lack of posts. The party is finally over, thank you lord, but we had a great time. I'm just glad I won't be staying up until 1 in the a.m. to hang pictures and clean the house. That sucked.

You know what else sucks? Our fertility monitor. It's so not working like it's supposed to. Instead of asking us for a test stick on day 6, like it's supposed to, it displayed the brush and exclamation point symbol, which means you have to clean the place where you stick the pee stick in. Now, this is a brand new fertility monitor, supposedly--we did actually remove it from the plastic and have to set it up and everything, so we know it's new--so what the heck is the problem? There is no urine to cake the reader. We haven't had a chance to cake up the reader with our urine because it won't ask us for a freaking pee stick! I called the lovely folks at the manufacturer three days in a row, and finally they just decided to send me a Fed-Ex mailer to send it to them, where they'll either fix the problem or send us a new one. Sweet! At least we'll get our money's worth eventually, but looks like we're out for this cycle. Back to predicting ovulation the old-fashioned way--through cervical mucus, temperature, cervix gazing, and OPKs. So much for technology!

I'd like to use this chance to give a shout-out to two very important boys in our life--two high school friends of mine who have been excellent moral supporters of myself and S. and our road to babymaking. Danny, my buddy in Minneapolis, has been reading our blog and enjoying reading about S.'s cervix. (Well, probably not since Danny is gay--I'm not outing you Dan, am I? Ha ha..) And then there's Chris, who I'm sort of related to as a cousin thrice removed through marriage, and whose family owns a pharmacy in Waltham, MA (incidentally, that's where the stupid Clear Blue Easy corporation is!). The pharmacy has gone au naturale recently, and he's sent S. some lovely women's wellness pills with all the good fertility herbs in them. He's also our hook-up for the syringes we'll use for insem. this cycle. Thanks, boys! (And we thought men were only good for their sperm!)
--cd

We love new toys!

We finally get to play with our fertility monitor now--S. got AF yesterday, just when she thought she'd never get it. So now we're back to temping every morning at 5:20, when I have to get up for my new job anyway, and we get to press the button on the fertility monitor. In six days we get to stick pee sticks in it. Yippee!!

My friend brought up a good point when I was talking to him the other night--are we still using the same donor? Is that donor still available? Of course I always thought there was going to be a neverending supply of donor #1 (who I think we'll go back to), but what if there was a sudden rush on him and the bank is out? Who will we turn to? I guess we should probably check the website to confirm that he's still there--otherwise, we'll be doing some quick decision-making!

Crazed, but not fertility-crazed

I've been letting C. handle all our blogging duties, I've been slacking. But, to stick up for myself, I have created some beautiful gardens, unpacked our house, and found a job in the last several weeks! Yeah for NOT going bankrupt. But....school starts tomorrow! :(
It's been strange taking a cycle out and really cleansing myself of the insane fertility-crazed person I was becoming. I took a month to regain control. No temping, no charting. And here I am again, in control and ready for my period to show her ugly face. It's funny, when you want the bitch to come, it seems to take forever. We've got all our props ready and we will be taking the following measures to help reach our goal: use a fertility monitor, take temps and charting, use the speculum to watch my cervix and fluid change, use OPK's, take fertility-enhancing vitamins, and keep hoping. Oh yeah, we're doing it at home. C. as doctor will do an IVI with the frozen swimmers.

I'll be sure to let you know when the fertilicoaster begins its next ride!

We're off to see the cervix...

Looks like we're a go for cervix gazing--all of our props have arrived, including the fertility monitor. I'm hoping to get a look at S.'s cervix before AF comes to be familiar with the before, during, after positions.

In the meantime, S. got a job (hooray!) in 1st grade, just a few minutes down the street, while I am feeling drained and pooped already from my new job, which I've only been at for 3 days. There are rainbow "safe space" stickers everywhere you look on classroom doors in this school--it's really refreshing to see. And in a sexual harassment mini-course we took, the health educator actually refers to name-calling like "gay," "homo," "fag," or "dyke" as sexual harassment. I love it!

Dirty, Pervy Purchases (to some people!)

If any normal person were to see what S. and I purchased over the past few days, he or she would probably be wicked grossed out. We decided to get serious about doing a home insem, so in preparation we've just bought a fertility monitor (these things sell like hot cakes on e-bay--it's a vicious auction to buy one of these babies) and a metal speculum from a medical supply store on-line. Luckily we found that site, because the only other sites that S. found selling speculums were ones involving pee play. Um, eww.

I guess now we have to decide whether we're going to go all the way with the IUI at home or just do an IVI--I'm not sure. Seeing how neither of us can find S.'s cervix, I think we might have some trouble. So I'm hoping that speculum will arrive any day now! We found some great instructions on-line for how to use it, in case it wasn't self-explanatory enough, through the Feminist Health Center in Chico, CA. They also sell speculums on-line and self-examination kits. Very cool!

Under the Stars

It usually hits us that we live somewhere amazing not when we're hanging around the house cleaning or gardening, but when we drive somewhere nearby that many others travel from around to country to see. Last night, we drove over to Tanglewood in Lenox, MA (less than an hour away) to see James Taylor. We had lawn seats, so we were among the many hundreds of those who set up chairs on the lawn, packed a nice picnic dinner, and just hung out. The best thing about this is that it's totally BYOB and food--so you can bring beer, wine, whatever you want, and sit out under the stars in the mountain-fresh air listening to some of the world's greatest musicians. Tanglewood is the Boston Symphony Orchestra's summer home in the Berkshires, but Taylor lives in the area and occasionally they will have more mainstream performers there. If you think he has an amazing voice when you hear him on the radio, you need to see him live. I seriously started crying when I heard him sing--his voice is just so perfect, mellow, sweet, and gives you that warm, squishy feeling inside.

To home or not to home? (This is the very serious question)

So I can't find S.'s freaking cervix. Either my fingers are too short or I'm too squeamish. You should see the drawing they have in this book we're reading, with a woman squatting and practically pinching her cervix with her thumb and forefinger. It's crazy and still sort of weirdly gross, I think. Am I crazy, or did they not teach you this in sex ed class?

We've been doing a lot of contemplating on home v. docs office insems. S. has been producing more fertile mucus this cycle than in months--months! And you know why (or at least why I think why)? No freaking drugs. I feel like I'm sort of mirroring Marta & Eileen'sdilemma of home vs. doc insems. right now, and how we've been fucking up our bodies with drugs because---why not? We're paying a primo price for the privilege of being parents, so why not do what the doctors and r.e.s say is the "right" way to go about it? What were we thinking--there isn't just one way to conceive a child, and as a lesbian trying to have kids, who feels empowered enough to do so, I should really be ashamed of myself for doing it this way. Part of why S. and I started this blog was to feel empowered about making the right decisions about conception, but I feel like we've only listened to the doctors. That doesn't mean I didn't love Dr. K--I did, we both did--but I think this month off has really given us a chance to think seriously about taking control of this situation-for better or worse.

Leaky doughnut, anyone?

S. bought a great book at B&N called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am like a 12-year-old boy when it comes to these kinds of books--I go "eewwwwww!" and "uhhggggh!" at the very graphic pictures, while S. says, "it's not gross!" I know she's right, but you should see this picture they have of an open cervix with cervical mucus coming out of it. "It looks like a doughnut!" I believe was my initial reaction. Gross.

But then it got us thinking (well, S. thinking)--why can't we cervix gaze? Why can't we actually do an insemination ourselves, at home? It will be at least a month until we meet with a r.e. and commence with insemination, but duh---you can do it yourself! So that meant we really didn't even need a month off-but I'm glad took one. Maybe next time around it will be d.i.y-which I think is pretty cool and exciting and will really help center ourselves and our bodies. I think now I have to go do some more exploration of the leaky doughnut...

One matching baby, please!

This weekend we did some shopping, which we are very good at. We bought this adorable rug on sale at the Bon-Ton, which is a kind of weird store, but when they have good sales, you can get great stuff. And since we have an entire home to furnish, we like home sales. So this rug is a little lion's head, and it's soft and little and round, and we placed it in our potential nursery where a potential crib may go. Mind you, this is literally the only thing in the room--one lion rug. It's like we've set this room aside already for baby stuff and nothing can be stored in it. The drawers are empty (and there are a lot of them, built in). Nothing is on the wall. No bedding is there. It's just like--waiting. So, I'd really like a baby to match with my room, please, because I don't feel like buying anymore furniture unless it's a crib. Or anymore towels unless they're little and soft. Or anymore clothes unless they only fit on my right foot. (Okay, I could use some new school clothes.) It's funny what your mind does ahead of your body--we clearly have no child yet to put in the room, but we are just so sure that one day, soon, there will be a tiny warm body to put in there that we just want to put it aside-just in case!

And in a shameless plug, I started another blog where we'll be talking about house stuff only--it's not really appropriate to write about it here (unless it's about the phantom nursery), plus I do a lot of really stupid stuff that could potentially be very amusing. So, check it out here!

DSL and HMOs

Well, we're running off the good old DSL now. I feel totally guilty because we told the lady at town hall we'd be purchasing town internet, but it's not going to be ready until like, December, and a girl just can't wait that long. So here we are, back with Verizon. A calm has descended over me since I hooked it up yesterday. Sick, I know.

I've been thinking a lot about insurance since we've moved up here. I really don't know what my new insurance will and will not cover. We were lucky enough last time that Dr. K. charged us for nothing, and all we payed for was our sperm. But here in MA, we're legally married, so does that mean insurance has to pay for our infertility "problem"? I think IVF is covered by law in MA, which is really cool, but what about all the other procedures that we'll now probably be charged for? I'm worried that even though we have more rights and are legally married here, we're going to feel like reproducing is putting a bigger strain on our savings account.

RE and PCP adventures

We're up in Maine visiting some family friends and maxin' and relaxin' (again). Nothing too exicting to report. We found a cool new fertility book at a bookstore here, but of course we're so cheap we're waiting until we get home to buy it at Barnes and Noble, where S. has a gift card. Anyway, I am looking forward to reading more about it. We're also seriously considering acupuncture. Any thoughts on this from anyone who's done it?

We made the hard decision to go with a local HMO for my health insurance. It looks like they have a good array of R.E.s to choose from. The only problem is that you have to visit your primary care physician first, which is really, really annoying. But all part of the process, right? I have faith that the r.e. we've already chosen out of the provider book will be good. He's affiliated with Baystate Hospital in Springfield, which is known for its birthing center and pre/postnatal care. So! I think this is something to feel excited about. Now if only we could get our drs appointments before, you know, October, we could start this thing again...

ugh

Yup, I've been avoiding you. While C. seems to post about random inane topics du jour, I just turn away. And it really has taken me an entire week to unwind. I have been disapointed, angry and very, very sad. I can't express the extraordinary sadness that overcomes me when I find that we spent a whole month planning and waiting for no reason. I think this one was so much more difficult because we have so much new going on - and it's going to be *so much harder* to transition to new insurance and a new doctor, once we find one. And who knows how long that will take? I know it's a good thing for my mental stability to take August off, but I have to admit, I don't really want to. It's going to be quite the effort to start up again. I haven't even been tracking my period or temps this month. While it's quite a relief, I feel a bit guilty. I have no time to waste - my clock is ticking. I just hope it's not ticked out....

Mostly, I just really hate not getting my way. -sp

Fun City, Bad Cable

Just when we're thinking, what the heck are we doing with this house in the country, we get to go to Northampton for the day and all our doubts melt away. After a tussle with the lawnmower (again), we spent the afternoon in Northampton shopping their massive sidewalk sales with S.'s cousin and her totally freakin' adorable new baby. He never fusses or cries, so of course we have this warped view of what having an infant is going to be like. Regardless, we enjoyed a lovely Noho afternoon with good food and company. Any lesbian who hasn't yet made a pilgramage to the lesbian capital of the Northeast must go! Small city with a lot of character, interesting people, liberal politics, and amazing food. It's where S. and I picture raising our children and attending lesbian parenting support groups (yes, I daydream about attending lesbian parenting support groups!).

In the meantime, our municipal cable company doesn't carry Bravo or the WB, so we can't watch "Project Runway" and then in the fall we can't watch...wait, I can't say it...."Gilmore Girls." (Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!) I just don't know what to do. No "Gilmore Girls?" With such a cliffhanger at the end of last season??!! Looks like I'm heading up to my in-laws every Tuesday night!
--cd

Dial Up is Just...

So as you may have guessed, S.'s re-test results were negative. She ended up spotting later the same day as the second test. Of course, we didn't know for sure sure until today--when we called the office. They had no record of the blood test, so it took some detective work, but a nice lady in the office kindly informed up that the test was indeed negative. We're "taking August off," so don't ask me what I'm going to talk about on the blog for the next month, but it will probably involve the hassles of new home ownership and the hunt for a new doctor, which we are not looking forward to. How could anyone compare with Dr. K (even if he didn't manage to knock S. up)?

I'm about to break down and order DSL because dial-up is just...well...it's just not cutting it for me. Do you notice the lack of posts? It's because of the fear of facing how long it takes for me to boot up the computer and log on. Luckily I've been parked in front of the TV so it sort of distracts me from how incredibly painful this is (the dial-up, I mean!). -- cd

Stay Away From Me, Spam!

I am so annoyed right now. So, first off, we're still on vacation in NH and drove all the way to Concord to Quest to get our BHCG test yesterday. Dr. K. called today with the results---"borderline." I guess S.'s levels are a 6, and since 5 is negative, 6 is a little low to be an actual positive. This makes us want to cry. We have to go back to Concord today for another test, and we won't find out until tomorrow morning. By the way, Dr. K. is going to Greece for the next several weeks, starting tomorrow, so don't ask me how we're going to find out the results.

Secondly, we just found out we have COMMENT SPAM! What is up with this?! We were all excited that people were reading our blog, and then we find out that it's someone from a mortgage company and an on-line poker forum. How inappropriate! It's not like we have a gaming blog, or even a house blog. Does anyone else have this problem? And how do you get rid of it?

We're trying to salvage our day by going over to Concord shortly and then climbing a mountain and canoeing/kayaking in the lake later on. Hopefully this will accomplish our vacation goals of being relaxed and being pregnant.
--cd

R&R

Everything went smoothly, we are all moved in and have begun the unpacking process. Which I think is pretty fun. It's so nice to be home. Now, we're headed out for a few days of rest and relaxation! We need it! We should have some news by the time we return home.
-sp

Who could ask for anything more?

When S. moved to NY 4 years ago, she didn't want to come here. She moved because she needed a change, needed to get out of Western Mass, and needed to be near me--and I refused to leave NYC after only being here a year. We didn't live together for a year after she moved--it was just too much, too fast for me to not only be in a serious relationship and in-love, but to be with a woman to boot! And when I helped move her from her apt. in Western Mass. to her apt. in Westchester, she said to me in the U-Haul, "I can't wait until next year when we're riding this U-Haul in the opposite direction, with you driving because I'm pregnant!" Well, I thought I just might choke when she said that!

Luckily it all worked out, and hopefully what she said 4 years ago will come true 4 years later--that we'll be riding (albeit in my Jeep, as we're in a position to actually hire movers this time!) heading in the opposite direction, me driving, S. pregnant. If you asked me 5 years ago when I moved to Brooklyn what my life would be like 5 years in the future, this isn't likely what I would have said. But for all the weird twists and turns my life has taken, all the demons I've faced and have faced me, I couldn't trade tomorrow--me driving back North to a house I've poured sweat, blood, and love into, with my baby, my doggy, and hopefully my baby's baby--for anything more.
--cd

Halftime report

I am 7 days past ovulation (dpo), which means I'm halfway through the terrible two-week-wait (tww). It hasn't been too terrible, though I know the second half is always WAY worse than the first. Now begins the desperate search for implantation/pregnancy signs. I've poked my boobs so many times today that they are sore - just from the poking. It's dangerous to get my hopes up because, really, I have to attribute the normal pregger signs to the progesterone I am taking to help lengthen my luteal phase. I won't even get my period until after I stop taking them, so I truly have to wait for the test results next week.
So here we are waiting. Waiting...and moving two states away into our first house, and going to a wedding, and going on vacation. You'd think all this would distract me and make the time pass relatively quickly, but no. -sp

"Dirty Little Word"

It's just too friggin' hot to do much. However, we worked our butts off aaaall weekend trying to get the shackhole in order for our move on Wednesday. Accordingly, we didn't let S. touch anything that might be mildly toxic and impede implantation, including staining, painting, heavy lifting, and cleaning (except vacuuming-she's a champ at that!). I think her mother thought we were being a little stupid and overly-cautious, but at $500 a pop, I think we can afford to slow down and be a little careful!

Looks like we'll be in New Hampshire when we're supposed to do our 2-week test, so I don't know what we'll be doing about that. I guess a home pregnancy test, but that makes me nervous, plus we'll be at our friends' family lake house. Wouldn't it be swell if they saw the pregnancy test in the trash and thought it was our friends'! So, we have to find a hospital or a lab or something and get that squared away. Also, we found out this weekend that our town doesn't have their high-speed internet up and running so we may have to use (choke, cough, gasp) dial-up for a little bit. I think we'll spring for the Verizon DSL. Isn't it funny how "dial-up" is such a dirty little word now?

Nurture v. Frizz

My hair is just a frizzmongo mess today. You see, I have very curly hair, and during most of the summer it's like a halo, standing at least an inch above my skull. In the winter it's dry and brittle. And why did we choose a donor with curly hair? I dunno. I am very attached to my stubborn and annoying curls because I see them as some sort of reflection of my personality. Rebellious but somewhat classy if you manage to tame them with enough gel and conditioner. So I am hoping my child will have these same qualities, though his or her hair. He or she will have S.'s stubborness, practicality, and mechanical sense, and hopefully, since we did purposefully seek out a donor with curls, my hair. That's all that really matters is the hair. Hopefully, he or she will not have my sense of balance or my common sense, which are practically non-existent.

I am a firm believer in nurture - I have to be, since biologically, the first child won't be of my mettle. I can only hope my abrasive personality and bad hair rub off on the kid.

Check it out!

OK ttc'ers. I figured it out. Tech-speak does not come to me intuitively, so it took a bit of patience and lots of trial and error. I now have a link to my ovulation chart in the sidebar. Take a look - what do you think? -sp

I'm the cranky one

It's really hot out and I'm cranky-pants. S. hasn't been nearly as cranky as I have, and she's the one with $1,000 worth of sperm inside of her! So, in order to make myself feel better, I'm posting my wish list. These are all the things I want to happen instantaneously, and I'll feel just great when I get my way!

I want...

my mortgage to be all squared away; my car to get better gas mileage; my cat to not be sick; my dog to walk himself; my apartment to pack itself; the movers to charge less than their estimate; me to not be so sweaty; the humidity to go away; my house to be complete; my father to wake up tomorrow and decide that he's been an asshole for the past 5 years and he's really, really sorry; my grandmother to feel better; my grandfather to not be so old and cranky.

And though it's not at the top of the list, it is of course at the top of my thoughts: for S. to be PREGNANT! At last! Please! I don't know who I'm pleading with because I don't make bargains with god anymore, so if there's some sort of pregnancy spirit out there, it would be really swell of you to pay us a visit.

I do have a lot of hope this cycle, though. Besides the 2 insems, it was a full moon last night, S.'s egg was really, really large and ready to drop, and we switched to sperm that has already achieved pregnancy. So--all these things make me happy and not nervous for our tww. Just hoping my crankiness dies down a bit.

--CD

Here come the boys!

All the swimmers are in. Two vials and $1000 worth of sperm! We had two separate insems yesterday - one at 10:30 am and one at 10:30 pm - and C. says I don't take her out on exciting dates! It seems like the timing was good. With the juicy 22mm egg spotted, the HCG trigger shot was given and at 24 hourse and 36 hours we did the insems. That's about perfect according to the research I've done. Insems are not fun - I think they're painful eventhough all the books say they shouldn't be, if the cervix is open like it should be. Whatever...shh...I don't even like tampons. So I was not as lighthearted as maybe a typical conception is. After the morning insem I was very "spampy" - a term I learned on the message boards - sperm cramps. It is like putting a foreign object up there - I've been an outright lesbian for 10+ years. Makes sense to me. But, I feel fine today.

Other ttc'ers - I'm a little worried about my bbt temperatures. I know ovulation was triggered by the hcg and that my own ovulation is overided, but I wanted to see that temperature rise, and I didn't. It was the lowest it ever has been. Does that mean I might actually ovulate today and I missed it? I'm going to try and make my ticker on the site a link to my chart at ff so you can check it out. Experiences please....

Plump and Juicy Eggs Here!

I love Dr. K. because he does a play-by-play of all of S's ultrasounds. Today went a little something like this:

"Oh, look at this nice juicy, plump egg here-22 mm! And oh, this uterine stripe! Lookin' nice!"

Since I sort of know what I'm looking at now, I was oohing and ahhhing along with him. He always prints out a picture of S's egg and says, "for the scrapbook." I hope that I can show that picture to my kid one day and say see, this is how you started-a nice juicy, plump little egg!

S. will be taking Prometrium this time around since we suspect she has a short luteal phase. Did you know the warnings on the bottle say NOT to take it if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant? That's reassuring, huh? But of course we ran to the internet to look it up, and it alleviated all our worries. Not that we don't trust Dr. K., but when a drug has a fat red sticker on it saying NOT to take it if you're trying to become pregnant, one hopes you pause a moment to find out what the issue is.

Insems are tomorrow morning and night. I really, really, really hope the liquid nitrogen lasts until 10:00 tomorrow evening. Where do you get liquid nitrogen anyway? A party store? I remember having it at a 5th grade haunted house, so it can't be all that hard to come by!
--CD

Bigger! Better! Faster! More!

According to dictionary.com, here is the definition of motility:
n. ability to move spontaneously and independently

Here is the definition according to the Lesbian TTC Dictionary (which I am writing):
n. the potency and speed at which sperm travels through a catheter into S.'s uterus, increasing our chances of getting preggers

We did some digging and managed to finagle the motility count of our current donor from the sperm bank. Turns out he's at a respectable 41 million. Because we've tried twice with this guy to no avail, we considered switching donors. We decided that whoever had the fastest swimmers would be the lucky one picked. It turned out that our next choice, the new guy, has an average motility of 75 million. 75! That's like two for the price of one compared to our old guy (poor slow swimmer). Plus, this new guy has already achieved a pregnancy, while old guy has not.

So--we're following the numbers and hoping statistics will be on our side. We're switching donors this month to Mr. Speedy-Sperm, and doing two insems. We're very hopeful and Dr. K. is being nice and patient and tolerant of all our craziness, as usual. May the fastest swimmer be our baby daddy!

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Yes, we got married on July 4th! I like to think of it as our way of asserting our independance, rather than showing our patriotism. Last year, we had two of the most beautiful days in the summer to celebrate our love with family and friends. It was a bit of a thrown together affair - but it was perfect for us. On the 3rd we had a picnic with lots of family and friends. It involved a mean croquet tournament on a regulation court - of which my brother took very seriously. There were brackets for goodness sake and my parents won - of course! There was good food, good booze, good music, a chocolate fountain and wiffle ball too! It was a glorious day.

The next day we had a smaller gathering of people in the garden of a local park. A local justice of the peace married us in front of 40 of our closest family and friends. It was a beautiful simple ceremony with none of the 'pomp' that doesn't suit us anyhow. One of the funnier moments was when we were ready to start we just turned to the standing crowd, waved our hands around and said "we're ready! are you? pay attention!", for lack of any other start signal. We were so thankful to our friends and family for supporting us. The only person who couldn't find it in his heart to accept it was C.'s dad. Which is sad. He missed a hell of party. Afterward, there was brunch at a local Hotel which was oh so yummy.

And we made it through the year! I couldn't have imagined it better. My baby, my cute squidge doggy and sexy kitty. A house we have put blood sweat and tears into for over a year that is just about ready to move into. A perfect pear tree in the front yard that we planted as our anniversary gift to one another. If this cycle is ours - if I end up pregnant - it would be like the cherry on top. It's almost to good to be true. I love my baby - as she asked Dr. K tonight at our ultrasound about my ovaries and follicles, I was just beaming! Beaming with a dildo-cam up my twat! I've never been so proud.

A just-fine mama

Well, I found out today what it's going to be like to be the second-parent of a child I didn't give birth to--exactly like he or she is my own.

When I moved in with S., she had a cute little cat named Luna. Well, this cute little cat was not my style. I hated cats, but I loved S., so I grew to like Luna and I think Luna grew to reasonably like, or at least tolerate, me. Today, Luna was nowhere to be found. S. looked up and down, in every closet, crevice, or box we could think of, but still no Luna. S. grew teary while a lump began to form in my stomach. I couldn't bear the thought of S. being so unhappy that this cat, which she raised from a kitten, might be gone. Moreso, I couldn't stand losing her, either! I realized I had grown to love her just like she was my own, raised from a kitten as if I were a cat lover. Consequently, I have learned to like cats, and I especially love this one and realized that even though I didn't raise her, she is still mine. And I have the same feelings and love and responsibilities for her that S. does.

Not to worry--Luna reappeared early this evening in the apartment on the 2nd floor that's being renovated. When she slipped out, she apparently slipped in there and slept all day with the workers. Edison, our super, found her, saw our note we posted on the front door, and contacted up right away. Thanks, Edison and Luna, for allowing me to realize I'll be a just-fine mama when S. has our baby.
--cd

reflecting

The emotional toll is the hardest. I had convinced myself we were headed for a positive result. My body and my mind were convinced. It's crushing. My first reaction was...I can't go through this again. In the moment, it seems impossible. So, for a few days I just couldn't talk about it. I had to gain perspective. C. called the Dr., she told our friends...and slowly I came to grips. I think I'm most scared because this is probably our last time with the beloved Dr. K. We're moving...insurance is changing...time is out. We're starting a new chapter that I'm looking forward to but it also makes for a stressful month. Luckily, I am out of school for real and can head off any potential stress by starting packing today.

I also feel a bit of guilt. I used stain and floor sealer last weekend right during the time of implantation. I wasn't thinking. Here I have quit smoking, quit caffeine, quit aspartame and didn't think about the materials I was using. I think that might have had something to do with it. No home improvement chems for me this month.

I guess I'll never find out "the reason" - but can do my best to make a happy healthy stress-free environment. C. is NOT allowed to be snippy with me - AT ALL. EVER. good rule.

No Fun in Babymaking Land

Unfortunately, AF came knocking on our door on Thursday. We sort of knew that, as our first pregnancy test came out negative, but it was still early. But we went for the blood test Friday anyway just to double-check. We still don't know for sure sure, but a girl knows, and S. is sure she's not pregnant. We're disappointed. I definitely felt this kind of, like, empty void feeling this time around that I didn't get so strongly the last time, just because you never, ever expect it to work the first go-around. But this time I was more hopeful than I tend to let myself become.

Dr. K. is willing to do an insemination once more with us before turning us over to the r.e., who will be way more expensive and perhaps less understanding. I'm not looking forward to it, but by that time we will have moved to MA and will have to find a new doctor and start all over again anyway. Sigh. Big disappointment, but we're looking ahead to next cycle. Hey, at least we get more and more informed everytime we do it!
--cd

Opposites attract

See, I totally disagree. I feel like I'm finally allowed to look there hopefully. Today I sat on the floor and read through each box, figuring out which one was best for me. I had read all the reviews of course, because I'm a thorough kind of girl. I splurged on the First Response test with the lines, not the + and -. Not a lick of embarassment. Just annoyance at spending $17.

Today I wore the whitest of white undies, just daring AF to come. I know, sounds silly. The last few days of this wait are the WORST. I mean, the worst.

Pee tests are weird

Can I just tell you how scary and weird it is that we're taking home pregnancy tests now? Actually, the scariest part is buying them. I've been buying the hpts and opks at the Rite Aid by my school. Every time I go in, I have this vision of me, squatted down in front of the pharmacy shelf where they sell the hpks, opks, some lube and condoms, when one of my students comes up behind me. Or worse, checks me out at the register! I can just see it now. The news spreads like wildfire in the halls: "Ms. D.'s pregnant!" Maybe I flatter myself to think they'd even care. Besides, school is out for them unless they're taking the state exams. But still-I feel like I'm risking it every time I go in there.

Is anyone else slightly embarassed by buying these things? I am. Although I was also embarassed to buy myself maxi pads and tampons until about 5 years ago because I was raised to not talk about such things openly. Good thing I went to an all-women's college, where I got over that pretty quickly!

Well, I fell victim to the craze of home pregnancy tests. I've been feeling off, my nipples are killing me, I had implantation spotting, my temperature dipped and then went way back up - all these are the signs of possible pregnancy. So, I just couldn't bear waiting a whole week to find out. I go for a beta (blood test) on Friday, but I simply couldn't wait. C. brought it home for me yesterday and all night long I dreamt of insemination and positive hpt's. I made this deal with myself - if my temperature spiked high, than I would test. And test I did. Nervous as hell, I peed in the cup, spilled it on the floor and acted the part of scientist dropping my 4 drops of piss into the little hole. For five minutes we waited. And.......NOT positive. I refuse to say it was negative, because there is still a chance. I tested early. I'm only 10 days past insem. Too early...and I knew it. I feel like I was tricked by my body. I always planned on just waiting for my period but I couldn't help myself. It's like finding your birthday present and peeking - which we all know, I do. Can't help it! I'm not doing it again tomorrow, it's too much pressure. But...lets see what my chart tells us and maybe again on Thursday or Friday. -sp

If at first you don't succeed...

I've always hated that saying. I really like to get things right the first time and if I don't, I usually quit. It's apparently part of my astrological sign. However, S. is the persistant type, and of course I want this baby to really happen, so we did insem#2. I can't believe it's only been 3 days-it seems like forever, and we still have over a week and a half to find out if S. is really pregnant or not. I'm becoming impatient and short with everyone around me, including S., which I feel really terrible about. It's also getting harder to keep our senses of humor in tact at this point. I know that was the overall goal-besides getting a baby-but the humor in this situation is kind of declining.

One funny thing that did happen during insem#2, though. I had to drive to New Haven, CT and back for a teacher test that morning and was exhausted and hadn't had enough to eat. The second Dr. K. was done with the insem, I thought I was going to puke-it had been painful for S. and hard to watch-and between that and the small, hot room and lack of food, the room started going dark, my ears started ringing, and I felt like I was going to puke. "I am so sorry, but I think I'm going to throw up. Where's the bathroom?" I think I mumbled something along those lines. I dashed to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face, breathed deeply, and felt pretty o.k. I was sure S. and Dr. K. were back in the room waiting for me to make hurling sounds. We laughed about it later that night with friends. So, if we can't find trying to get pregnant funny anymore, at least we can laugh at the partner who almost puked!

to try #2

It did get better. I thought we were on target. The OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and my temps looked good. We checked my follicles and at 18.9, Dr. K gave me the trigger shot of HCG and 24 hours later, on Saturday night, we did the insem. It was actually REALLY painful this time. But there we were, in an abandoned hospital warming sperm up in a coffee mug, debating granite vs. laminate and hopefully and happily taking part in our second IUI. Then I went home to a delicious homeade dinner with the greatest friends who didn't seem to mind that my ass was in the air all night. Top it off with a full moon.
I'm trying to keep hope. My temperature never spiked, which it does the day after you ovulate. So...I'm discouraged. And stressed - both of which don't help with the pregnancy picture. Today, I got two job rejections and my tire fell off on the highway today ($500 later...I guess we're going with ugly laminate!).
Here were are in the tww (two week wait)...all your hopes...please.
-sp

Well, obviously...

Obviously we will be giving birth to the devil baby, if at all, because today was the day from hell, as SP so elequently put it with her cursing post there. You know, I don't understand why stupid people exist in this world. Really. Is there a purpose for them? Well, obviously it's to screw up FedEx shipments. I mean, seriously--how dumb can you be when you decide to put a 22-pound box that says FRAGILE and KEEP UPRIGHT on every single side sideways all day long? C'mon!!!!! This isn't rocket science--you work at fucking Fed Ex, it's your job to follow shipping directions.

I might also add that Clomid is probably the new enemy. How dare it make SP ovulate like, days and days and days early! Jeesh! And I thought this was supposed to help us? If Dr.K. is a fertility doc, shouldn't he know that Clomid will make her ovulate earlier, therefore everything should be done earlier? Like, ultrasounds and HcG shots and all of that? I am just sick of having to depend on other people to get this done. If it were up to us, we'd have this over and done with months ago. We're freakin' geniuses compared to all the asses we encountered today. Really!

--a pissed and tired CD

Phew. Just a vent.

fuck. assholes. bitch. shit.

So she jinxed us with her ranting before. Today was the worst...I went in to get my follicles all measured up and they were smaller! Which means they either didn't grow at all and the difference is the machine, or I missed ovulation. fuck. I was even using a predictor kit, and it never showed a positive. It's way too early. How could that happen? fuck. He's going to take one more look in the a.m. and we'll inseminate anyway and just hope for the best.
Then....we went to pick up the little guys and and FedEx had been storing them on their side. It so clearly says that the nitrogen tank must be kept upright. assholes. Big problem! No one wanted to take the blame or apologize so corporate FedEx will get an earful when they talk to me. The lady said that maybe we shouldn't ship big packages to her site. It's FedEx - that's what you DO, people. assholes.
During our time ripping FedEx a new one, we got a parking ticket. bitch.
Then I stepped in cat puke. shit.
-sp

Devil Baby

Do I really feel like conceiving the week of 666? Well, I'll take it, even if it means we'll give birth to Damian. To celebrate 666, one of the gangs at school decided to start a mass-fight during 6th period. So clever, those gangs are. Ugh.

I have become obsessed with the timing of this next insemination. Pick up baby daddy tomorrow. Take HcG shot tomorrow. Inseminate---when? That's the trick. Last time, we figured out we really did it too early. But if we wait later, we'll be inseminating at like, 11:00 at night or something, and I don't know if Dr. K. will be that cool about letting us in after-hours. If that's the case, I wonder if we should just skip the HcG shot and rely solely on the LH surge and OPK. (Wow, I'm really getting the lingo down now!) But---will that still give me the assurance we'll conceive our devil baby? I just don't know! This is why I don't gambe, except at the quarter slots.

--CD (at the request of Laura,
I'll sign my posts)

number one, number one

first option...lots and lots of the first option...
and then maybe a little of the third!

Wild Yams, Strawberries, and Conceiving

Hey! We have an archive now! That is beyond exciting. So I am contemplating how to make this cycle better than the last one. These are some thoughts I've been having. Let me know if you've tried any of these and they actually have worked:

• Having lots and lots (and lots and lots) of sex to trick S.'s body into thinking it's receiving sperm and about to procreate. Isn't that why people oppose same-sex marriage? Because our sexual encounters are base and have nothing to give to society, like more people?
• Using progesterone cream after S. has ovulated. I guess it's actually derived from wild yams or something. I am just intrigued by the fact that wild yam cream can somehow thicken S.'s uterine wall by simply smearing it inside her legs and on her stomach.
• Eating more dark vegetables & fruits. I've provided for dinner this evening green curry with tofu and lots of dark green veggies. S. may have strawberries for dessert, because they're dark red, and then maybe some chocolate sorbet because, you know, that's dark, too. And sort of a vegetable. (Hey, it's from a freaking plant, isn't it?!)

That's all I can think of trying right now. All further suggestions are more than welcome.

Moving on

I won't say it didn't hurt. But the rational part of me took over pretty quickly. It was our first try....I'm just used to getting lucky! But hey, it's on to the next cycle. That's the exhausting part. Soon enough, you notice that every part of your menstrual cycle is an important one. We have to start planning for the next try - clomid, vaginal ultrasounds - right away! That's how this process takes over your life. It's not like you can stop planning or thinking about it. I can't tell you how many times I've counted and recounted the days in my cycle, retracing the last few months of charting that I've done. Forget the other things going on in your life - the end of the school year and my last week at this school, trying to find a new job, finishing up our house so that we can move in July. That stuff is all in the back seat. What's important is making this baby.

Very Big Sigh

Sadly, S.'s period came on Thursday, a few days ahead of schedule. Well, okay, 9 months ahead of schedule. We took the pregnancy test anyway. I think it's negative. But we're on the clomid this month. Very unlike us. But it was actually me who sprung into action on this one. When I found out S. wasn't pregnant, I said--let's get on this thing--because honestly, I don't want every month to turn out like this. I wanted us to be as natural as humanly possible (you know, natural for when our dr. is sticking sperm up a catheter into S.'s uterus), and this is definitely not the natural way to go--but it's the least expensive and, from what I can tell, invasive fertility drug we can take. Plus, with S.'s periods being slightly off-schedule the last couple of months, we could use a little assurance that our $500 baby-daddy is going to meet our egg or eggs in happy union.

...And we wait...

....

I know all of you "ttc" couples out there know what those elipses mean. It means eternity. It means not knowing whether or not you'll be dropping another $500+ dollars for baby making. And most importantly, it means obsessing like a crazy person over any little weirdo thing you body does. S. likes doing this. She also likes reading everyone's pregnancy blogs, which I am convinced has psyched her own body either in or out of pregnancy.

Anyhow, we both have job interviews tomorrow up New England way, as we are moving out of NYC in July and have yet to secure teaching positions for next school year. The only thing to laugh about lately is that S. had to drink seltzer out of her 30th Birthday wine glass that one of her former students gave her as a present. Did I mention this student is in 1st grade and obsessed with her? Totally weird-and funny!

1 week down. 1 to go.

Well, I've felt weird for the last few days. Can't explain it exactly. Today I was a bit nauseous and I've never been around 5-year olds with such bad breath. But...I was tired. It could be just that. I don't want to go all psychosomatic. Maybe I just feel weird because there is *sperm* in me. It's such a hard wait. 2 weeks, 2 weeks??? I don't even really mind that I can't have a glass of wine for my birthday, but I want it to be for a reason. Ya know? Also, I've got to stop reading other pregnancy blogs and websites. It's a bit obsessive...me, obsessive?

Boys Swim Straight, Girls In Circles

I was supposed to write this last week--you know, after insem, but I got a little worried about what I would say. This waiting game is a killer-every time S. says she "feels funny," or gets emotional, or anything like that, I jump inside, hoping it's a little fertilized embryo trying to tell us something. She has me talking to her belly, hoping to encourage a fertilized embryo, if there's one in there, to attach itself to her uterine lining. So I say things like, "Hey, you in there? If you attach, I promise I'll feed you really good food forever!" We'll see if bribing it into existence works.

S. also turned 30 today (yay!) and while I expected a nuclear meltdown, she's been totally mellow about it. So mellow, in fact, that she's passed out on the couch taking a nap before catching the season finale of "Top Model." Pretty anti-climactic 30th birthday if you ask me, but hey, it's her day, not mine. We're having a party this weekend, and guess what--there will be no drinking for S.! However, after watching our totally terrific Dr. K. do the insem last week, I could use a few pops.

Note: Jokes made during the insemination process should not, repeat, not be taken too seriously. Example: Dr K: "So I checked out the sperm under the microscope to make sure you didn't get ripped off. It looks like a good mix of males and females, actually. The males are swimming straight ahead and the females are swimming around in circles." Us: "Really? You can tell already?"
Dr. K: "It's a joke guys."

Meet the family!

Wanna meet my "baby daddy"?

NO chasing sperm

Just back from my vaginal sonogram (kind of like a dildo-cam). Getting my follicles measured up to see if they're up to the task. I didn't get much info, just that the follicles on my right ovary are bigger. Interesting....I call Dr. K tomorrow to get the scoop.

The sperm is somewhere in/over Middle America as we speak. SO STRANGE! We've made arrangements to pick it up at the FedEx place tomorrow because as New Yorkers without a doorman, we have chased plenty a UPS van around the Upper Eastside trying to get a package. As a lesbian, I've made it a rule not to chase sperm. What do we do with it when we get it home? Hang out with it for the night? Take pictures? It seems weird to not treat it, um, specially. I'm not talking foreplay here, but it is a biohazard. At the very least, I'll be sure to keep out of the way of white dog and black cat. They've been very...boisterous...lately.

Wait, that's not my name!

Today I took a little jaunt down to the Duane Reade to pick up an injection for S. that's supposed to make her ovulate so we can, you know, inseminate. It turns out there is someone else with her name, in our neighborhood, who also gets prescriptions filled at our Duane Reade, because after I walked back home (and up 4 flights of stairs, mind you), S. realized that, "Hey, they spelled my name wrong! And they got my address wrong!" Uh oh. Wrong S.!!! So back down I go, back a block and a half to the Duane Reade to get it all straightened out. Oops! They didn't even apologize, but the good news--our insurance covers 5 whole more dollars of the rX than the other S.'s insurance did, so way to go for us!

With any luck, the R.N. at S.'s school won't have a problem injecting her on Thursday and then away her body goes, into semi-forced and semi-natural ovulation. Bliss!

Lesson #2 in baby making - check your prescription before you leave the pharmacy to make sure it's actually yours!

Not a moron...

Her post makes me seem like a moron...I found the same blogs she did and within those, I did not find what I was looking for. I found lesbian moms...lesbians with infertility issues...lesbians with plenty of other issues....but no lesbians making a baby. Perhaps they were once blogs about making a baby, but now they are baby picture galleries (congrats!) which I suppose I hope this will be soon...but I'm more focused on the process, not the product right now.

Coming up on our first insemination attempt. A big week for sure. Today is day 10 - A vaginal ultrasound on Wed., a follow-up call with Dr. K on Thurs. and the big day on Fri. - that is, if my body cooperates with my schedule! I wrote it in my planner though....and we all know what that means. I'm a bit of a scheduler, what can I say, I like things planned. I recognize the need to relax, don't worry! ---sp

Lesson Number One - Finding a Doctor Who's Funny

S. searched and searched for a blog on lesbians trying to get pregnant and found nothing. I (C,) looked and found about a zillion, of course, but she still insisted that we write our own. I don't know if or how our experiences trying to get pregnant will differ from the other women we've read about, but it certainly does help sort out your feelings on the whole matter, plus it's way cooler than making a lame-o scrapbook.

So, here we go--our first post on getting pregnant. Let me tell you a little anecdote and the first lesson I've learned about being gay and trying to get pregnant--find a doctor with a sense of humor and some compassion. Dr. K. is hilarious. As he says himself, "I wanted to go to comedy school, but my mother told me to be a doctor instead." As he was sticking a large, metal speculum in S. for the HSG (a procedure we fondly refer to as "power washing"), he was having trouble locating her cervix. Instead of fidgeting around and making her uncomfortable, he said, "Where's your cervix? Did you bring your cervix with you today?" Way to make an awkward situation funny (although I don't think S. really noticed the humor until after the procedure was done).

The other important thing is to make sure your doctor knows what's up between you and your partner. The radiology assistant did not want to let me in during the HSG, but Dr. K. saw me and said, "Come right in." Phew.

So lesson number one--humor and compassion. Or you'll all be crying-and not for joy.