Crazed, but not fertility-crazed

I've been letting C. handle all our blogging duties, I've been slacking. But, to stick up for myself, I have created some beautiful gardens, unpacked our house, and found a job in the last several weeks! Yeah for NOT going bankrupt. But....school starts tomorrow! :(
It's been strange taking a cycle out and really cleansing myself of the insane fertility-crazed person I was becoming. I took a month to regain control. No temping, no charting. And here I am again, in control and ready for my period to show her ugly face. It's funny, when you want the bitch to come, it seems to take forever. We've got all our props ready and we will be taking the following measures to help reach our goal: use a fertility monitor, take temps and charting, use the speculum to watch my cervix and fluid change, use OPK's, take fertility-enhancing vitamins, and keep hoping. Oh yeah, we're doing it at home. C. as doctor will do an IVI with the frozen swimmers.

I'll be sure to let you know when the fertilicoaster begins its next ride!

We're off to see the cervix...

Looks like we're a go for cervix gazing--all of our props have arrived, including the fertility monitor. I'm hoping to get a look at S.'s cervix before AF comes to be familiar with the before, during, after positions.

In the meantime, S. got a job (hooray!) in 1st grade, just a few minutes down the street, while I am feeling drained and pooped already from my new job, which I've only been at for 3 days. There are rainbow "safe space" stickers everywhere you look on classroom doors in this school--it's really refreshing to see. And in a sexual harassment mini-course we took, the health educator actually refers to name-calling like "gay," "homo," "fag," or "dyke" as sexual harassment. I love it!

Dirty, Pervy Purchases (to some people!)

If any normal person were to see what S. and I purchased over the past few days, he or she would probably be wicked grossed out. We decided to get serious about doing a home insem, so in preparation we've just bought a fertility monitor (these things sell like hot cakes on e-bay--it's a vicious auction to buy one of these babies) and a metal speculum from a medical supply store on-line. Luckily we found that site, because the only other sites that S. found selling speculums were ones involving pee play. Um, eww.

I guess now we have to decide whether we're going to go all the way with the IUI at home or just do an IVI--I'm not sure. Seeing how neither of us can find S.'s cervix, I think we might have some trouble. So I'm hoping that speculum will arrive any day now! We found some great instructions on-line for how to use it, in case it wasn't self-explanatory enough, through the Feminist Health Center in Chico, CA. They also sell speculums on-line and self-examination kits. Very cool!

Under the Stars

It usually hits us that we live somewhere amazing not when we're hanging around the house cleaning or gardening, but when we drive somewhere nearby that many others travel from around to country to see. Last night, we drove over to Tanglewood in Lenox, MA (less than an hour away) to see James Taylor. We had lawn seats, so we were among the many hundreds of those who set up chairs on the lawn, packed a nice picnic dinner, and just hung out. The best thing about this is that it's totally BYOB and food--so you can bring beer, wine, whatever you want, and sit out under the stars in the mountain-fresh air listening to some of the world's greatest musicians. Tanglewood is the Boston Symphony Orchestra's summer home in the Berkshires, but Taylor lives in the area and occasionally they will have more mainstream performers there. If you think he has an amazing voice when you hear him on the radio, you need to see him live. I seriously started crying when I heard him sing--his voice is just so perfect, mellow, sweet, and gives you that warm, squishy feeling inside.

To home or not to home? (This is the very serious question)

So I can't find S.'s freaking cervix. Either my fingers are too short or I'm too squeamish. You should see the drawing they have in this book we're reading, with a woman squatting and practically pinching her cervix with her thumb and forefinger. It's crazy and still sort of weirdly gross, I think. Am I crazy, or did they not teach you this in sex ed class?

We've been doing a lot of contemplating on home v. docs office insems. S. has been producing more fertile mucus this cycle than in months--months! And you know why (or at least why I think why)? No freaking drugs. I feel like I'm sort of mirroring Marta & Eileen'sdilemma of home vs. doc insems. right now, and how we've been fucking up our bodies with drugs because---why not? We're paying a primo price for the privilege of being parents, so why not do what the doctors and r.e.s say is the "right" way to go about it? What were we thinking--there isn't just one way to conceive a child, and as a lesbian trying to have kids, who feels empowered enough to do so, I should really be ashamed of myself for doing it this way. Part of why S. and I started this blog was to feel empowered about making the right decisions about conception, but I feel like we've only listened to the doctors. That doesn't mean I didn't love Dr. K--I did, we both did--but I think this month off has really given us a chance to think seriously about taking control of this situation-for better or worse.

Leaky doughnut, anyone?

S. bought a great book at B&N called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am like a 12-year-old boy when it comes to these kinds of books--I go "eewwwwww!" and "uhhggggh!" at the very graphic pictures, while S. says, "it's not gross!" I know she's right, but you should see this picture they have of an open cervix with cervical mucus coming out of it. "It looks like a doughnut!" I believe was my initial reaction. Gross.

But then it got us thinking (well, S. thinking)--why can't we cervix gaze? Why can't we actually do an insemination ourselves, at home? It will be at least a month until we meet with a r.e. and commence with insemination, but duh---you can do it yourself! So that meant we really didn't even need a month off-but I'm glad took one. Maybe next time around it will be d.i.y-which I think is pretty cool and exciting and will really help center ourselves and our bodies. I think now I have to go do some more exploration of the leaky doughnut...

One matching baby, please!

This weekend we did some shopping, which we are very good at. We bought this adorable rug on sale at the Bon-Ton, which is a kind of weird store, but when they have good sales, you can get great stuff. And since we have an entire home to furnish, we like home sales. So this rug is a little lion's head, and it's soft and little and round, and we placed it in our potential nursery where a potential crib may go. Mind you, this is literally the only thing in the room--one lion rug. It's like we've set this room aside already for baby stuff and nothing can be stored in it. The drawers are empty (and there are a lot of them, built in). Nothing is on the wall. No bedding is there. It's just like--waiting. So, I'd really like a baby to match with my room, please, because I don't feel like buying anymore furniture unless it's a crib. Or anymore towels unless they're little and soft. Or anymore clothes unless they only fit on my right foot. (Okay, I could use some new school clothes.) It's funny what your mind does ahead of your body--we clearly have no child yet to put in the room, but we are just so sure that one day, soon, there will be a tiny warm body to put in there that we just want to put it aside-just in case!

And in a shameless plug, I started another blog where we'll be talking about house stuff only--it's not really appropriate to write about it here (unless it's about the phantom nursery), plus I do a lot of really stupid stuff that could potentially be very amusing. So, check it out here!

DSL and HMOs

Well, we're running off the good old DSL now. I feel totally guilty because we told the lady at town hall we'd be purchasing town internet, but it's not going to be ready until like, December, and a girl just can't wait that long. So here we are, back with Verizon. A calm has descended over me since I hooked it up yesterday. Sick, I know.

I've been thinking a lot about insurance since we've moved up here. I really don't know what my new insurance will and will not cover. We were lucky enough last time that Dr. K. charged us for nothing, and all we payed for was our sperm. But here in MA, we're legally married, so does that mean insurance has to pay for our infertility "problem"? I think IVF is covered by law in MA, which is really cool, but what about all the other procedures that we'll now probably be charged for? I'm worried that even though we have more rights and are legally married here, we're going to feel like reproducing is putting a bigger strain on our savings account.

RE and PCP adventures

We're up in Maine visiting some family friends and maxin' and relaxin' (again). Nothing too exicting to report. We found a cool new fertility book at a bookstore here, but of course we're so cheap we're waiting until we get home to buy it at Barnes and Noble, where S. has a gift card. Anyway, I am looking forward to reading more about it. We're also seriously considering acupuncture. Any thoughts on this from anyone who's done it?

We made the hard decision to go with a local HMO for my health insurance. It looks like they have a good array of R.E.s to choose from. The only problem is that you have to visit your primary care physician first, which is really, really annoying. But all part of the process, right? I have faith that the r.e. we've already chosen out of the provider book will be good. He's affiliated with Baystate Hospital in Springfield, which is known for its birthing center and pre/postnatal care. So! I think this is something to feel excited about. Now if only we could get our drs appointments before, you know, October, we could start this thing again...

ugh

Yup, I've been avoiding you. While C. seems to post about random inane topics du jour, I just turn away. And it really has taken me an entire week to unwind. I have been disapointed, angry and very, very sad. I can't express the extraordinary sadness that overcomes me when I find that we spent a whole month planning and waiting for no reason. I think this one was so much more difficult because we have so much new going on - and it's going to be *so much harder* to transition to new insurance and a new doctor, once we find one. And who knows how long that will take? I know it's a good thing for my mental stability to take August off, but I have to admit, I don't really want to. It's going to be quite the effort to start up again. I haven't even been tracking my period or temps this month. While it's quite a relief, I feel a bit guilty. I have no time to waste - my clock is ticking. I just hope it's not ticked out....

Mostly, I just really hate not getting my way. -sp