1 down, 1 to go

Quick update - I'm not testing until next Sunday. So that means we're half way through. It's 8 dpiui and I'm hopeful but not too hopeful. Trying to find the balance.
I wish Monday wouldn't come so fast.
-sp

Yoga for Babies

Usually, after S. is inseminated, I talk to her belly for the next 2 weeks, telling the little mass of cells to divide, then burrow, then grow into a baby. Obviously this hasn't worked yet, so I'm taking a new approach--I'm "om"-ing to the baby. If you're familiar with yoga, you know that chanting "om" is meant to represent the sound that the nervous system makes as it relaxes and recharges your body. So, it's the representation of the life force (sorta-kinda). I thought this would work since, you know, I really want there to be some spark of life in that there belly, and maybe it just needs a little urging on to keep dividing and forming into a little thing of a person.

Does anyone else do something unusual or special to their or their partner's tummy after insemination? While pregnant? I think it's pretty cute, don't you?

It's a whopper!

Well, S.'s follicle measured 25mm today, so she's shot up with the good stuff and we're insemming tomorrow. Thank goodness that, in babymaking town, its babymaking factories are open 7 days a week! I think I really do love it there-as much as one can love a gigantic, clinical, sterile place where hundreds of infertile women gather to become pregnant. So, bottoms up--here's hoping our next vial is our last.

Complete arse

Sometimes I do feel like an arse when I'm around pregnant people, or people who just had children (to be fair, I sort of feel the same as when I'm around a certain teacher at school whose wife just had a baby--my jerkiness knows no bounds). Like S., I feel like a volcano inside. I think I have actually said things to myself like "Wow, her face sure is getting fat" as I watch one of the guidance counselors at my school grow into her pregnancy. What a jerky thing to think! I scold myself immediately, but deep down I know it's just jealously and annoyance.

Then other times it's just numbness. Tonight at the hopsital, where we were visiting S.'s Meme (she's come down with pneumonia), she asked if we were still trying. I felt so completely unenthusiastic about this. Our answers have been boiled down to "Yup, still tryin'." Like it's a..I don't know..like we're trying to score a goal, learn to sew, or run an 8-minute mile. And then this Friday, S. is going to get her follicles measured. Usually this is the exciting part, because it means the insemination is coming soon. But I'm just like---yup, going to the doctors, getting the follicles measured, ho-hum....

I am having a hard time maintaining my enthusiasm for much lately. I don't know if it's the damn cold front that's finally decided to roll into the Northeast, the trying to be pregnant, the feeling of being cooped up inside, not liking my job, etc. etc. blah de blah...I could go on with my complaints and speculations. All in all, I'd say I'm not the greatest, most supportive person to be around right now. So, my apologizes to S. and anyone else I may have offended lately with my lack of anything resembling interest or enthusiasm or, well...giving a damn. I'd like to say it will be better (for me and all I affect) soon, but I'm just not so sure how soon.

On the flip side...I have made a conscious choice to exercise tomorrow, on a treadmill, so maybe I'll be feeling more chipper with the onset of endorphins..

SLOW DOWN..I'm coming!

Is it unreasonable for me to ask the world to please stop populating while I catch up? Is it unreasonable for me to begrudge other people their pregnancies? Now, I don't begrudge pregnancies out-loud or to their face, it's just a silent jealousy that bubbles up inside. I try to take the emotions as they come and sort them out however I can. This has been more of an emotional rollercoaster than anything I have ever been through before. I am a relatively successful woman, one who puts her all into something she wants to do and goes forward until she's achieved a semblance of mastery. Until I decide I want more...that's the women's college education in me, I think. I'm full of pride, a quick-learner and wicked efficient. Well, try as I might, and damn have I tried...I cannot achieve. I've read the books, taken the hints, explored the parts, ordered the tools, eaten the food, exercised the body and NOTHING. I'm not used to failure. And that is what this is.
So, yes, because I have worked hard and wanted and hoped - I am allowed to feel jealousy and frustration toward women who have achieved pregnancy without the hard work and tears. I don't like these women any less, I don't wish them malice, I hope their pregnancy is easy and healthy...it's just hard to watch. I will wish them the congratulations they are due, even as my eye twitches and heart breaks. So, if I have any pregnant readers (or readers at all) I apologize if this offends. Do other "trying" women feel anything similar?

This post arose after a visit this weekend to the city, where every woman, in every borough, is pregnant. I even suspect those who tell me they aren't. Sick, huh?

Yet Another

This blog is getting really boring. I even find myself bored with it, and it's my own life, so that's really saying something. So, sorry, what readers of this blog may be out there, for over here in babymaking town, we're just not feeling too peppy or in the mood to blog much lately. We got yet another negative test result. (Which translates into: Yet another holiday season of drinking and smoking down the tubes for S.) There was the faintest glimmer of hope, when the cheap Brooke's brand preggo test I bought (which looks alarmingly like an OPK) showed the faintest, teensiest line in the "pregnant" box. We sprung for a more expensive kind, but it was a no-go--we got our negative result this morning.

This leaves us facing an 8th insemination. I feel okay only because we'll be doing it with the baby factory nurses, who are just so incredibly awesome at doing IUIs that it's almost like "Yippee! Another chance!" Maybe we're not that enthusiasic--it is, after all, hard to maintain your enthusiasm after doing the same darn thing 7 darn times--but I think we both feel comfort in the smoothness with which their operation is run.


But I am getting really bored of this routine.

Happy New Year!

Finally back home after a few days away visiting friends in Philly. Fun times! Cheesesteaks at Geno's (whoa, there was a lot of neon!), Italian Market in South Philly (go Rocky!), and of course seeing friends we hadn't seen since June--that's a really long time to go without seeing friends you were used to seeing like, at least twice a month. We had an extremely low-key New Year's Eve affair, hanging out, knitting, and stuffing our faces. Pretty much anytime there's stuffing of faces involved, I'm having fun. The food was yummy. We patriotically visited the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. I took a pictures of S. and our buddy Laura (who lives there) at the back of the Liberty Bell, so I didn't get the crack in the picture. But there was no one back there! Who wants a picture of a crack anyway?!

I have no clue what I am doing with any of my classes tomorrow, so I'm off to write some lesson plans. No news yet on S., obviously. She's feeling kind of crappy, but that might just be from the face stuffing we did all day yesterday (and all weekend for that matter).

Happy New Year!