Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Complete arse

Sometimes I do feel like an arse when I'm around pregnant people, or people who just had children (to be fair, I sort of feel the same as when I'm around a certain teacher at school whose wife just had a baby--my jerkiness knows no bounds). Like S., I feel like a volcano inside. I think I have actually said things to myself like "Wow, her face sure is getting fat" as I watch one of the guidance counselors at my school grow into her pregnancy. What a jerky thing to think! I scold myself immediately, but deep down I know it's just jealously and annoyance.

Then other times it's just numbness. Tonight at the hopsital, where we were visiting S.'s Meme (she's come down with pneumonia), she asked if we were still trying. I felt so completely unenthusiastic about this. Our answers have been boiled down to "Yup, still tryin'." Like it's a..I don't we're trying to score a goal, learn to sew, or run an 8-minute mile. And then this Friday, S. is going to get her follicles measured. Usually this is the exciting part, because it means the insemination is coming soon. But I'm just like---yup, going to the doctors, getting the follicles measured, ho-hum....

I am having a hard time maintaining my enthusiasm for much lately. I don't know if it's the damn cold front that's finally decided to roll into the Northeast, the trying to be pregnant, the feeling of being cooped up inside, not liking my job, etc. etc. blah de blah...I could go on with my complaints and speculations. All in all, I'd say I'm not the greatest, most supportive person to be around right now. So, my apologizes to S. and anyone else I may have offended lately with my lack of anything resembling interest or enthusiasm or, a damn. I'd like to say it will be better (for me and all I affect) soon, but I'm just not so sure how soon.

On the flip side...I have made a conscious choice to exercise tomorrow, on a treadmill, so maybe I'll be feeling more chipper with the onset of endorphins..

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