Tuesday, January 16, 2007

SLOW DOWN..I'm coming!

Is it unreasonable for me to ask the world to please stop populating while I catch up? Is it unreasonable for me to begrudge other people their pregnancies? Now, I don't begrudge pregnancies out-loud or to their face, it's just a silent jealousy that bubbles up inside. I try to take the emotions as they come and sort them out however I can. This has been more of an emotional rollercoaster than anything I have ever been through before. I am a relatively successful woman, one who puts her all into something she wants to do and goes forward until she's achieved a semblance of mastery. Until I decide I want more...that's the women's college education in me, I think. I'm full of pride, a quick-learner and wicked efficient. Well, try as I might, and damn have I tried...I cannot achieve. I've read the books, taken the hints, explored the parts, ordered the tools, eaten the food, exercised the body and NOTHING. I'm not used to failure. And that is what this is.
So, yes, because I have worked hard and wanted and hoped - I am allowed to feel jealousy and frustration toward women who have achieved pregnancy without the hard work and tears. I don't like these women any less, I don't wish them malice, I hope their pregnancy is easy and healthy...it's just hard to watch. I will wish them the congratulations they are due, even as my eye twitches and heart breaks. So, if I have any pregnant readers (or readers at all) I apologize if this offends. Do other "trying" women feel anything similar?

This post arose after a visit this weekend to the city, where every woman, in every borough, is pregnant. I even suspect those who tell me they aren't. Sick, huh?


e. said...

You read my mind.

Recently A. and I were in Maine and EVERY waitress in EVERY restaurant/bar was pregnant. Every time I turned around I saw another pregnant woman.

It drove me mad.

I too am used to giving things my all and achieveing, and I feel like a huge failure because I can NOT get pregnant. Not matter what I do. And now it's starting to make me crazy.

Sophia said...

sweetie i think that envy was the primary motivation for writing my blog. And I don't think I'm the only one

Laura D. said...

Okay...well I guess it's time to tell you.

I'm pregnant, too.

JUST KIDDING!!! Just think of it this way, my dear. At least you'll DEFINITELY beat me to the mommy finish line. :)

Melody said...

There is one pregnant woman at work who I can't even look at. I have a meeting with her once a week, and I dread it. I disliked her before she was pregnant, and I LOATHE her now.

I try to be happy for everyone else. I think I'm channeling all of those negative feelings into hating this one woman.

vee said...

Totally gives me the needle too.

CD & SP said...

I can't thank you all enough. Well, except Laura...I could kick your *ss. You shouldn't joke about such things - a *single* mom is no laughing matter. :)

bean said...

I have to say-I can't have kids, and after the third of my bestest friends told me they were pregnant while at dinner at a restaurant-I went burst out crying and had to leave . . .

I am sorry this is hard . . .keep on keeping on!

Anonymous said...

From someone who's been there.....you will notice that EVERYONE is pregnant until you are carrying the babyseat around.

You will hate all of the 15 year old babies having babies. The drug addicted women having sex for drugs in which they got pregnant. The women who were on the pill and using condoms, with one fallopian tube getting pregnant. And of course, we have to give it up to the lesbian couple who got pregnant at home the first time around. We hate all of them. And more power to you for hating them.
The hate goes away when you become pregnant. The pregnant women seem to vanish when you have a baby of your own.
Like all of the doctors have confirmed....you are normal.

Co said...

It's totally normal, I think.

By way of example, some of my favorite bloggers have gotten pregnant or become parents recently. Some of the pregnancy blogs or parenting blogs, I can still read. But I can't read the shiny, happy ones more than once a week, because it just makes me want to sob. I *am* happy for them. I don't begrudge people who didn't go through hell to get pg. But it makes me sad.

One of my closest friends, LM, who is sort of TTC (playing the "I'll wait and see what happens" game with her husband), and who knows I'm very actively TTC, said she hoped our other close friend, JW, gets pg before either of us do. LM is one of my best friends, but I wanted to poke her in the eyes when she said that. My hope is that JW and I get pg at the same time. But I don't wish for her to go first. No way. Way too jealous for that.