1 down, 1 to go

Quick update - I'm not testing until next Sunday. So that means we're half way through. It's 8 dpiui and I'm hopeful but not too hopeful. Trying to find the balance.
I wish Monday wouldn't come so fast.
-sp

Yoga for Babies

Usually, after S. is inseminated, I talk to her belly for the next 2 weeks, telling the little mass of cells to divide, then burrow, then grow into a baby. Obviously this hasn't worked yet, so I'm taking a new approach--I'm "om"-ing to the baby. If you're familiar with yoga, you know that chanting "om" is meant to represent the sound that the nervous system makes as it relaxes and recharges your body. So, it's the representation of the life force (sorta-kinda). I thought this would work since, you know, I really want there to be some spark of life in that there belly, and maybe it just needs a little urging on to keep dividing and forming into a little thing of a person.

Does anyone else do something unusual or special to their or their partner's tummy after insemination? While pregnant? I think it's pretty cute, don't you?

It's a whopper!

Well, S.'s follicle measured 25mm today, so she's shot up with the good stuff and we're insemming tomorrow. Thank goodness that, in babymaking town, its babymaking factories are open 7 days a week! I think I really do love it there-as much as one can love a gigantic, clinical, sterile place where hundreds of infertile women gather to become pregnant. So, bottoms up--here's hoping our next vial is our last.

Complete arse

Sometimes I do feel like an arse when I'm around pregnant people, or people who just had children (to be fair, I sort of feel the same as when I'm around a certain teacher at school whose wife just had a baby--my jerkiness knows no bounds). Like S., I feel like a volcano inside. I think I have actually said things to myself like "Wow, her face sure is getting fat" as I watch one of the guidance counselors at my school grow into her pregnancy. What a jerky thing to think! I scold myself immediately, but deep down I know it's just jealously and annoyance.

Then other times it's just numbness. Tonight at the hopsital, where we were visiting S.'s Meme (she's come down with pneumonia), she asked if we were still trying. I felt so completely unenthusiastic about this. Our answers have been boiled down to "Yup, still tryin'." Like it's a..I don't know..like we're trying to score a goal, learn to sew, or run an 8-minute mile. And then this Friday, S. is going to get her follicles measured. Usually this is the exciting part, because it means the insemination is coming soon. But I'm just like---yup, going to the doctors, getting the follicles measured, ho-hum....

I am having a hard time maintaining my enthusiasm for much lately. I don't know if it's the damn cold front that's finally decided to roll into the Northeast, the trying to be pregnant, the feeling of being cooped up inside, not liking my job, etc. etc. blah de blah...I could go on with my complaints and speculations. All in all, I'd say I'm not the greatest, most supportive person to be around right now. So, my apologizes to S. and anyone else I may have offended lately with my lack of anything resembling interest or enthusiasm or, well...giving a damn. I'd like to say it will be better (for me and all I affect) soon, but I'm just not so sure how soon.

On the flip side...I have made a conscious choice to exercise tomorrow, on a treadmill, so maybe I'll be feeling more chipper with the onset of endorphins..

SLOW DOWN..I'm coming!

Is it unreasonable for me to ask the world to please stop populating while I catch up? Is it unreasonable for me to begrudge other people their pregnancies? Now, I don't begrudge pregnancies out-loud or to their face, it's just a silent jealousy that bubbles up inside. I try to take the emotions as they come and sort them out however I can. This has been more of an emotional rollercoaster than anything I have ever been through before. I am a relatively successful woman, one who puts her all into something she wants to do and goes forward until she's achieved a semblance of mastery. Until I decide I want more...that's the women's college education in me, I think. I'm full of pride, a quick-learner and wicked efficient. Well, try as I might, and damn have I tried...I cannot achieve. I've read the books, taken the hints, explored the parts, ordered the tools, eaten the food, exercised the body and NOTHING. I'm not used to failure. And that is what this is.
So, yes, because I have worked hard and wanted and hoped - I am allowed to feel jealousy and frustration toward women who have achieved pregnancy without the hard work and tears. I don't like these women any less, I don't wish them malice, I hope their pregnancy is easy and healthy...it's just hard to watch. I will wish them the congratulations they are due, even as my eye twitches and heart breaks. So, if I have any pregnant readers (or readers at all) I apologize if this offends. Do other "trying" women feel anything similar?

This post arose after a visit this weekend to the city, where every woman, in every borough, is pregnant. I even suspect those who tell me they aren't. Sick, huh?

Yet Another

This blog is getting really boring. I even find myself bored with it, and it's my own life, so that's really saying something. So, sorry, what readers of this blog may be out there, for over here in babymaking town, we're just not feeling too peppy or in the mood to blog much lately. We got yet another negative test result. (Which translates into: Yet another holiday season of drinking and smoking down the tubes for S.) There was the faintest glimmer of hope, when the cheap Brooke's brand preggo test I bought (which looks alarmingly like an OPK) showed the faintest, teensiest line in the "pregnant" box. We sprung for a more expensive kind, but it was a no-go--we got our negative result this morning.

This leaves us facing an 8th insemination. I feel okay only because we'll be doing it with the baby factory nurses, who are just so incredibly awesome at doing IUIs that it's almost like "Yippee! Another chance!" Maybe we're not that enthusiasic--it is, after all, hard to maintain your enthusiasm after doing the same darn thing 7 darn times--but I think we both feel comfort in the smoothness with which their operation is run.


But I am getting really bored of this routine.

Happy New Year!

Finally back home after a few days away visiting friends in Philly. Fun times! Cheesesteaks at Geno's (whoa, there was a lot of neon!), Italian Market in South Philly (go Rocky!), and of course seeing friends we hadn't seen since June--that's a really long time to go without seeing friends you were used to seeing like, at least twice a month. We had an extremely low-key New Year's Eve affair, hanging out, knitting, and stuffing our faces. Pretty much anytime there's stuffing of faces involved, I'm having fun. The food was yummy. We patriotically visited the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. I took a pictures of S. and our buddy Laura (who lives there) at the back of the Liberty Bell, so I didn't get the crack in the picture. But there was no one back there! Who wants a picture of a crack anyway?!

I have no clue what I am doing with any of my classes tomorrow, so I'm off to write some lesson plans. No news yet on S., obviously. She's feeling kind of crappy, but that might just be from the face stuffing we did all day yesterday (and all weekend for that matter).

Happy New Year!

Smooth operators

IUI complete! Baby factory doctors are GOOD. Oh my god, was she good. It was so easy. No cramping, no waiting, no hesitation, no tenaculum. (If you don't know what that is google it and then protect your private parts.) I guess that's why it's a bona-fide baby factory. It makes my NYC inseminations feel a little...well...dirty. Dark abandon hospital room, Dr. carrying our equipment in his pocket, warming sperm in unknown nurse's coffee mug (yes, that happened!) without a thermometer or microscope, tenaculum present and used. As much as a loved Dr. K, I just didn't realize what this "should" be like.

So, I'm feeling good. Really good. 1 DPO good - we ALWAYS feel good during this part of the tww. I am going to try to remain calm, open-minded and relaxed over the next two weeks. I'm going to go to as many yoga classes as my body and wallet will allow. And...I'm going to Philly for New Years where my long-lost friend is going to take such good care of me and give me lots of lovin'!
-sp

Plump up the volume...

I guess S.'s ovaries responded to the Clomid, because she had a plump, juicy 22mm follicle ready to bust out of there. So, she had the HCG shot TODAY, which means we're insemming TOMORROW. I have to call out sick for school, which makes me sad. I did want to say good-bye, Merry Christmas, see you next year, etc., to my students. Plus I have like, no sub plans ready, tomorrow being the last day before Christmas vacation and me planning to do things like read "Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus" and analyze the deeper meaning behind it. Um, yeah. (I'm an English teacher, can't you tell?)

So, tomorrow is our day. First insem. at the baby factories--and with strangers. We always had Dr. K. do ours; it was personal and cozy and intimate, and now we'll be one of many passing through that day, hoping sperm and egg miraculously join while we sit it out for the next two weeks. Merry merry!

Plump 'er up!

We have been quite the slacker bloggers lately. Holidays plans have basically swallowed us whole and all we've been doing is shopping, cleaning, and planning. We decided to have Christmas Eve at our house this year--a move prompted by my missing of the traditional Italian Christmas Eve called Night of the 7 Fishes. No one knows why we crazy Italians eat 7 fishes on Christmas Eve, but it's a tradition that I whole-heartedly miss (FYI for those who don't know--S., my dad, and I can't be in the same room, house, or state together due to my father's lack of acceptance of my "lifestyle"--so no more family holiday gatherings for me, unfortunately).

Baby planning is going well. S. goes in for an ultrasound tomorrow to check the status of her plump Clomid follicles. Of course, with a new doctor's office, there's a whole new set of procedures to follow and forms to fill out. We finally got it straightened out, but not before I had a mini-nervous breakdown last night about taking care of all the details. I've been very emotionally fragile lately and little things have set me off. It makes me wonder what kind of mother I am going to be--will I always be so impatient with my kids as I am with life? That's not good.

But back to babies..looks like we may be insemming either right before or immediately after Christmas--we're going to learn how to administer the HCG shot ourselves so that we can do it on Christmas day if need be, putting us in a good spot for a Dec. 26th insem. We're hoping the higher doses of Clomid this cycle will make those follicles numerous and plump.

*deep sigh*

Not our turn yet. 5 days ago, I would have sworn I was pregnant. nope. This process f*cks with your head in a serious way.

Miracle of...ewwww, weird....

Not that we're there yet, but S. and I thought it would be fun to rent The Miracle of Life from the library to prepare us for what happens inside the body when a baby is growing there. You know, to remind us of what may be going on inside of S.'s body right now. The only thing either of us remembered from our 8th grade (S.) and 9th grade (me) viewings during health class was the lady's bush, following by her popping out a kid. And sure enough---that's pretty much the only thing we remembered after watching it again!

Not that it's "gross" per se--but S. definitely felt a pang of nausea after watching it. The woman filmed gives birth for all of like, 2 minutes, and without a scream to be heard. Aside from the "money shot" (as S. referred to it), it was fairly fascinating to see the sperm and egg interact inside the body, and then to see them on a molecular level. I had no clue what I was looking at half the time, but it was cool anyway.

We're almost done with the tww. We're feeling, well..I don't know. Inconclusive. S.'s boobs hurt a lot this week, following by not hurting today, so who knows. We're trying to hold out testing until Tuesday, then we need to figure out whether we should go in for a blood test at the baby factory--it would really suck if S. was actually pregnant and had stopped taking her progesterone supplements (aka "hoo-hah bullets") because we never went in for a beta. So that's our stat. No news yet, but soon to come!

Thanks for Wreaths and Suppositories

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Hope Turkey Day went swell. This time last year, we were watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and had ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from Fresh Direct. It was swell. This year was a little different. We not only made dinner, but made wreathes. Wreathes! Made with freshly-snipped greens from S.'s parents yard. They looked like that. Snazzy, right? (Mine is the one in the middle. It's leafy and wild, like me!)

Anyway, we think all went well for the insem. S. is feeling some twinges, but of course I know it's her obsessing. Stupid me forgot to take the tank to school with me. I know what you're thinking--you showing your students your sperm tank or what?! But the FedEx facility is about 10 mins. from school. OR about 40 mins. from our house. So now I have to call tomorrow to find out if I can drop it off Monday. Our doc has S. on progesterone suppositories, which is fine. The weird thing about them is that they're the same one Dr. K. had prescribed her to take ORALLY. These are to be taken VAGINALLY. Is that not totally bizarre?! I understand it's the same thing, and it's better to be taken vaginally than by mouth (you know, closer proximity, better absorption, etc.), but it's just weird. And S. is starting to get that wonky progesterone feeling. She didn't turn into uber-bitch, but felt just a litte---off--the last time she took them. So, let's hear it for TWW! I honestly feel like it's our first real one in a while, since the last one we already knew wouldn't work. It's a nice feeling, actually, and I don't think I'm minding it so far. Of course, ask me how I feel about it in about a week and I'll probably have a different answer. --cd

The Sperminator

Well, today was the day. After grappling with whether we should do it last night, this morning, skip work and do it today, or just this afternoon, we decided we would each go to school for the day and meet back home at 3:00. I had to skip my faculty meeting for this and I think S. missed dismissal. Hope I'm not in trouble!

Anyway, I actually SAW the cervix this time. I took the liberty of looking at it while S. was at the baby factory, so I knew what it should look like and then voila! There it was. It was like magic and it just popped right into view. So, hopefully I coated it well with the swimmers and the rest of them have found their way up into the uterus okay.

I'm relieved it's over. It'll be super-sweet if this works. If it doesn't, I think we'll both be happy to be doing the next cycle at the doctor's office. The stress of when to do the insem. was killing us all yesterday and today. We're terrible at making decisions and sticking with them, and when you're making a $500 (or lifetime, depending on how you look at it) decision like this, it makes you ridiculously stressed and anxious--which we all know is no good for babymaking. So!! Hats off, sperm tank--I won't be sad to never see you again. May you be a remnant of our past lives and endeavours, something to laugh and reminisce over--but never, ever be in our bedroom, again!

READY

I'm 1 to 2 days away from a peak reading - I can feel it. Plenty of fluid, some ovary aches. C'mon! Baby Daddy is here and I'm ready. I mean really ready. Really really ready. I want everyone we know (and those we don't) to send a good vibe, a comment, or a prayer our way over the next few days. I'm feeling the need for some lovin!
-sp

How about a baby IN a Louis Vuitton?

Well, the appointment went well. I like her. I felt the baby factory feeling, but if the end result is...well...a baby, ok. She had a resident with her who did all the work, the notetaking, the exam, the history. I think we surprised them both by knowing so much about my cycle. I mean I told her like 5 times that I have short luteal phase, but she wasn't hearing it until I said that I ovulated on day 20 last cycle and got my period on day 29. Her response..."wow, clomid should help you!" I remember that last time with the meds I was not so gung-ho afterward. Will I regret it again? I don't know.
We plan to go ahead and do one more at-home insem this month, timed with the fertility monitor. It's kind of like a hail-mary. Unfortunately, we find out that insurance kicks in after an entire year of trying (which is quite progressive - go MA - some states have no infertility coverage). However, one year of trying means one year in the doctors office, of covering our own bills. $$$ - I hope we don't run out. The 3 iui's we did in NYC count, but not our at-home insems. Policy is "12 months of contact with sperm," now why won't they cover us at home when they cover every other hetero couple who does it at home? The heteros I know who are trying don't even know when they ovulate! I understand the frozen/fresh factor, but if we were trying at home with fresh, would they cover us? I think not. Damn heterosexist society! Bah humbug, it is what it is! And, though I'm scared to admit it...I feel lucky this cycle for some reason. If it happens at home the RE apt. is redundant - saving us mega-bucks and a lot of energy and ifrustration. Today is day 10 - so about a week from now we need all the hopes and prayers in the world. C'mon baby...Mommy wants a Louis Vuitton for Christmas!

Soup it up

We're going to the city after our dr.'s appointment tomorrow. I really don't know what to expect at the doctor's, I really don't. I don't know what it means that we'll be working with an R.E., and I don't know what else she can do for us. So, here's hoping this isn't a horrendous experience that makes me feel as if I'm in a baby factory. The only happiness I feel about it is that they probably have a great deal of experience helping lesbos get pregnant, it being in Western Mass and all--so! Here's hoping our midwestern R.E. has an open mind and is a good shot with a syringe and catheter.

And..we're eating soup dumplings this weekend. Can't get much better than that!

We're sell-outs

Obviously, S. did not go on a mad hunt for sperm. It's nice to daydream about, but it's just something we would never, ever do. To add to the annoyance of this cycle, our r.e.'s office called Tuesday to inform us that, less than a week before our appointment, we couldn't see this doctor because she wasn't taking any new patients. Apparently, the dumbass who made our appointment was unaware of this. Now we're pushed back to 11/10, which likely means another cycle at home. We're not really happy about this at all, but we just want to get it out of the way. We know that we'll pretty much never see our doctor again after this one appointment, and just be working with the techs and nurses when we go in for ultrasounds and IUIs. It's just the reality of going to a big infertility clinic, and at this point I think we're both willing to accept this. It will be hard for us, since we were so used to seeing Dr. K. every single time we went into the clinic in NYC, and HE was the one who inseminated us--but we're willing to throw that close relationship away and sell it out for some answers and some stirrups.
--cd

Can I buy you a drink?

I got a peak reading and all my signs are lined up - if I had sex TODAY I would get pregnant. I am going on a mad hunt for sperm.

Anyone have some extra sperm?

Yup! She's right...totalled. We need the "real stuff" to do this. Fresh sperm, aka "man-goo" has so many advatages - it lives longer, swims better and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. It's too much money and too much stress to play this guessing game any longer. From now on, Dr. monitored cycles or we need to ask someone for the swimmers! That's a hard decision..but it sure would make things easier. We suck at this. We question everything and keep making bad decisions. Boo!