Down Time

We're not so super-duper psyched up over here these days. I guess we're just waiting around until S. is ready for her next insemination, which should be over the next week or so. This is a Clomid-only cycle, since we have to take an official class with a nurse on how to inject those expensive drugs correctly into S.'s body. I'm not really looking forward to it--I could barely manage the hcg shot into the belly in February. Doing the shot itself was fine, of course--it's physically shoving a needle into your loved one's body that is a little intimidating. Big props to all my diabetic peeps out there and their family members--don' t know how you do it every day!

Other than that, we've been keeping very busy lately--planning our garden, raking the lawn, planting peas, knitting, dinner...fun stuff. And vacation next week. Hopefully it will be warm enough to feel inspired to dig up our garden and build our raised beds. Otherwise, we're mellowing out, hoping those follicles are growing nice and plump and juicy.

Confirmed

We waited for over a half an hour in our R.E.'s office on Friday--an auspicious beginning. What resulted from the meeting wasn't half-bad, though. Confirmation that in all likelihood, S.'s ovaries and uterus are completely normal and that we've just been unlucky. Further confirmation that we have to do 12 in-office, under-meds inseminations for insurance coverage to kick in. And, the big blow, a confirmation of how much injectible meds are going to cost us. Let's just say it's a lot. And that we'll be spending about $500 more per cycle now.

Well, starting in May, actually...and May represents the one-year anniversary of us trying to get pregnant. So, for our May cycle, after we've ordered the drugs and we've taken the class on how to shoot ourselves up, off we go. Looks like this month we're just going to do another Clomid cycle and hope for the best.

I really hope this is it--because the thought of doing this 6 more times with a doctor, another HALF A YEAR, seems gruelling and mentally impossible at this point. You know, as if the insurance company has any freaking right to tell us that home inseminations don't count. What about straight couples who can just saunter into a doc's office and tell them they've been trying for a year?? So not fair.

On the upside of things, it finally felt like Spring this weekend. If you want to see something funny, check out S. vacuuming our lawn!

Sassy-slacks begone!

To help reassure that I am not always a grouchy ol' sad-sack!

Things for which I am currently thankful:

1. new hope packaged in a RE appointment tomorrow morning to discuss new protocol
2. a thoroughly vigorous and reenergizing yoga class
3. my darling animal yin-yang

Green.

I was NOT looking forward to yesterday. I was dreading it for a week or so. In fact, it may have inspired a major meltdown/breakdown/pity party I threw for myself on Friday night. Yes, many a tear and sob was shed over several hours the night before. Wait till you hear why...

I had to go to a baby shower, for a baby girl, for someone who started trying after I did. Poor me. I know I am over-dramatizing this situation, but honestly, for me, this was really hard. Let me add, that I do, in fact, really like this couple. It's so dangerous for me to fawn over little, soft, pink, things - things I cannot have.

I want this month on the sidelines to be over. I want to get back to the business of making a baby. Hopefully with some new inspiration from our RE who we see on Friday. Because I really need the inpiration - the 'this is never gonna happen' vibe is making me crazy.

-s

Things to remember: A List

1. Snow gets heavy when it's over 4" high; then you need a snowblower
2. Little dogs get lost in the snow when it's higher than they are
3. People in massachusetts loooove st. patrick's day
4. People in massachusetts loooove beer, a parade, and st. patrick's day
5. Mixing Guiness, Bailey's and Jameson is tasty and bad, all at the same time.

City Dork, Country Dork

I may now officially be a country girl, ahem, nee dork. Know what I'm looking forward to this weekend? The Maple festival. Yes, that's right--March is Massachusetts Maple Month (catch the illiteration?) and on Saturday, it'll be a day of tapping demonstrations, a parade, lots of syrup and other maple goodies for sale, and..I don't really know what else. But doesn't it sound COOL?

That is one of the ONLY good things about March around here--there are so many sugar shacks that start opening up once the sap starts a-flowin', and they're open for breakfast much of the morning and into early afternoon on the weekends. My recommendation is High Hope Sugar Shack, in...hmm, where is that place..somewhere on Rt. 20. Worthington, I believe. Unlimited pancakes, eggs, bacon & sausage served with, of course, their own maple syrup, made on-site. Glorious!

Here's the link for High Hopes. I'm sure you can find some other sugar shacks from the website, too: http://www.hidden-hills.com/highhopes

Housing Authority

When it comes to getting things done around our house, S. is definitely the task master. This past week, we accomplished many-a-project, including painting our bedroom, touching up all the places we accidentally painted the ceiling, and making curtains for our pantry cabinets (which were cabinet door-less). She is amazing! Without her, I wouldn't get anything done. Plus all this running-around house-stuff keeps our mind off the baby-stuff, which is on hold until next month. So, no ttc this month--we meet with Dr. Impossible on the 30th to see what the next step shall be and how much it's going to cost us.

In the meantime, like I mentioned, we're doing stuff around the house and getting psyched up for our garden. This weekend the snow really started melting, so it kicked our desire for spring into super-high gear. We're planning a raised bed-style garden. It'll be our first done all on our own (and it's going to be organic!), so be sure to follow our trials and tribulations over here. That's our house blog called "Those Girls Next Door" which I abandoned after just a few posts due to major stress at work and babymaking and generally adjusting to life in a completely new surrounding. Turned out two blogs was too much for me to deal with, but I think I'm prepared for the responsibility now.

There's pictures there, too.

Not just unlucky

There's a title I think I need to start trying on....infertile. 3IVI's and 6IUI's (4 with Clomid) and still no pregnancy. That's something to consider.

Domestic Bliss

Some visions of the domestic goddess I was today:

Painting the bedroom--bu-bye, turquoise! It was a good run, but we won't miss you. Helloooo Ralph Lauren "Sisal"!













Yum! Sugar cookies! (Because I didn't have any more chocolate chips in the house!)














Of course, I also had the not-so-fun job of calling around and making appointments for us. If this cycle turns out to be a dud like the others, we have to go to injectible fertility meds. Which means we have to somehow see Dr. Impossible so we can get the lowdown on what meds she recommends for us and then attend an orientation on how to shoot them into your body. Fun times. Next available appointment: March 30. If we weren't taking next cycle off, we'd be slightly screwed now, wouldn't we? Luckily I think we'll be able to manage by having a little phone chat and just attending the orientation ourselves. And then there's the cost..I'm not talking about that right now and insist on not talking about it until we actually reach that phase--which will be never, because this cycle is going to be it.

It's true what they say...

People say that teachers hardly work, and I guess this time, they'd be correct. S. had a delay this morning (with a puny accumulation of maybe 3" on the ground) and I had a...cancellation! Yes, we just had the last week off of work for February vacation, and now I get my vacation extended an extra day. AND we're supposed to get dumped on Friday. Don't worry--we'll be making these days up at the end of the year, and then you'll be laughing at us.

Not to worry about me, though--S. left me a "list" of things to accomplish today. I think I can handle it, though I am perpetually lazy and have about a million tests to correct that I sort of let fester over break. But I'm awake, semi-dressed, and ready for some more caffeine to get my list done. Maybe I'll even tackle painting the bedroom-alone!

A List

Here's a list of things you can do to while away the tww. (We did all of these things this week, in fact!)

• dehydrate bananas and apples in your parents' food dehydrator from the 1980's
• make granola
• finish knitting and sewing projects lying around the house
• go to Mass MoCA
• go visit your mom
• drive through a snow storm for pizza in Northampton
• mail packages to your friends who just had babies
• repaint your bedroom

I think we would be doing those things even if we weren't in the tww, seeing as we were both on February vacation this week from our schools. But, that is everything we've accomplished this week. It definitely fell short of our "master list" of things to get done during our vacation, but I'd say all in all, we did alright!

Yuck Day

S. bled and cried, but the swimmers are inside. (Hey, I didn't even mean that to rhyme, but it did). I think that it's good thing we are taking next month off if this doesn't work. Emotionally, I don't think we can do another month straight through like this. Also, how bad is this---our actual doctor came in to do the insemination today and we didn't even recognize her! Oh, babymaking clinic...

Tww, here we are (again).

Snow Day!

Off the subjet for a second, Blogger finally broke me down and I had to switch over to signing in with my Google account, something I've been resisting. I'm never going to remember how to log in now!

Back to the subject--it's a snow day! And it's Valentine's Day, which means S. and I get to spend the day snuggled up together on the couch, watching trashy daytime tv and eating junk food. Sounds glorious, no? (It's great that we're both teachers on days like this.) S. goes in for her ultrasound tomorrow to see the status of the little follicles. They were a tad too big last time we did the insem, so the people at the clinic are thinking that earlier by a day or two will be better for us. Hopefully we'll be able to do the insemination on Friday, because we're supposed to go to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. I will be quite annoyed if we don't get to go because we're waiting on S.'s follicles to plump up.

Not that I'm mad at the follicles or at S. or even at the fact that we're insemming for the 9th time--but that I have constantly been rearranging my life as we've been ttcing. I'm just so sick of it being an interference, and I don't want to look at it that way--I want it to be exciting and hopeful and a good, positive event. I think I need to shed the negativity, say that it is what it is, and hopefully let some more positive energy help us this time around.

Just Take It...

It doesn't seem like we're getting a reprieve from being NOT pregnant anytime soon, so I'm telling myself to just take it and deal with it and look ahead to next month.

But when I look ahead to next month, I get nervous. Next month is the last month using Clomid only. And if this doesn't work, then what, you may be wondering. On to injectibles. Swell. How much does this cost, you might ask. Great question--and I do NOT have an answer to it. How much does insurance cover? No clue. Will S. undergo any testing to see if there's anything "wrong"? Umm, not sure.

So you see my nervousness. I am just not sure of anything past next month, and S. has said that she refuses to ttc in March because she doesn't want a December baby. I guess that's considerate of her--it does suck having a birthday close to Christmas, as many of our close friends will contest, and this year her cousin screwed up the holidays when her baby wasn't born until the 23rd. I guess one positive is that we can control (sorta) these things when we're planning like this.

boo

More disapointment for us.

1 down, 1 to go

Quick update - I'm not testing until next Sunday. So that means we're half way through. It's 8 dpiui and I'm hopeful but not too hopeful. Trying to find the balance.
I wish Monday wouldn't come so fast.
-sp

Yoga for Babies

Usually, after S. is inseminated, I talk to her belly for the next 2 weeks, telling the little mass of cells to divide, then burrow, then grow into a baby. Obviously this hasn't worked yet, so I'm taking a new approach--I'm "om"-ing to the baby. If you're familiar with yoga, you know that chanting "om" is meant to represent the sound that the nervous system makes as it relaxes and recharges your body. So, it's the representation of the life force (sorta-kinda). I thought this would work since, you know, I really want there to be some spark of life in that there belly, and maybe it just needs a little urging on to keep dividing and forming into a little thing of a person.

Does anyone else do something unusual or special to their or their partner's tummy after insemination? While pregnant? I think it's pretty cute, don't you?

It's a whopper!

Well, S.'s follicle measured 25mm today, so she's shot up with the good stuff and we're insemming tomorrow. Thank goodness that, in babymaking town, its babymaking factories are open 7 days a week! I think I really do love it there-as much as one can love a gigantic, clinical, sterile place where hundreds of infertile women gather to become pregnant. So, bottoms up--here's hoping our next vial is our last.

Complete arse

Sometimes I do feel like an arse when I'm around pregnant people, or people who just had children (to be fair, I sort of feel the same as when I'm around a certain teacher at school whose wife just had a baby--my jerkiness knows no bounds). Like S., I feel like a volcano inside. I think I have actually said things to myself like "Wow, her face sure is getting fat" as I watch one of the guidance counselors at my school grow into her pregnancy. What a jerky thing to think! I scold myself immediately, but deep down I know it's just jealously and annoyance.

Then other times it's just numbness. Tonight at the hopsital, where we were visiting S.'s Meme (she's come down with pneumonia), she asked if we were still trying. I felt so completely unenthusiastic about this. Our answers have been boiled down to "Yup, still tryin'." Like it's a..I don't know..like we're trying to score a goal, learn to sew, or run an 8-minute mile. And then this Friday, S. is going to get her follicles measured. Usually this is the exciting part, because it means the insemination is coming soon. But I'm just like---yup, going to the doctors, getting the follicles measured, ho-hum....

I am having a hard time maintaining my enthusiasm for much lately. I don't know if it's the damn cold front that's finally decided to roll into the Northeast, the trying to be pregnant, the feeling of being cooped up inside, not liking my job, etc. etc. blah de blah...I could go on with my complaints and speculations. All in all, I'd say I'm not the greatest, most supportive person to be around right now. So, my apologizes to S. and anyone else I may have offended lately with my lack of anything resembling interest or enthusiasm or, well...giving a damn. I'd like to say it will be better (for me and all I affect) soon, but I'm just not so sure how soon.

On the flip side...I have made a conscious choice to exercise tomorrow, on a treadmill, so maybe I'll be feeling more chipper with the onset of endorphins..

SLOW DOWN..I'm coming!

Is it unreasonable for me to ask the world to please stop populating while I catch up? Is it unreasonable for me to begrudge other people their pregnancies? Now, I don't begrudge pregnancies out-loud or to their face, it's just a silent jealousy that bubbles up inside. I try to take the emotions as they come and sort them out however I can. This has been more of an emotional rollercoaster than anything I have ever been through before. I am a relatively successful woman, one who puts her all into something she wants to do and goes forward until she's achieved a semblance of mastery. Until I decide I want more...that's the women's college education in me, I think. I'm full of pride, a quick-learner and wicked efficient. Well, try as I might, and damn have I tried...I cannot achieve. I've read the books, taken the hints, explored the parts, ordered the tools, eaten the food, exercised the body and NOTHING. I'm not used to failure. And that is what this is.
So, yes, because I have worked hard and wanted and hoped - I am allowed to feel jealousy and frustration toward women who have achieved pregnancy without the hard work and tears. I don't like these women any less, I don't wish them malice, I hope their pregnancy is easy and healthy...it's just hard to watch. I will wish them the congratulations they are due, even as my eye twitches and heart breaks. So, if I have any pregnant readers (or readers at all) I apologize if this offends. Do other "trying" women feel anything similar?

This post arose after a visit this weekend to the city, where every woman, in every borough, is pregnant. I even suspect those who tell me they aren't. Sick, huh?