I am mom - hear me roar!

Easter day - let me set the scene. My parent's house, usual relatives are there - meme, aunts, cousins, cousin's cute, lovable, but crazy children. Before brunch. Theo dressed to the nines.

Everyone enjoying each other's company, as it has been a long time. 

I go talk to my cousin and cousin-in-law who are holding Theo and they keep turning away from me. Finally, I get around and I see what they are hiding from me. They are FEEDING MY SON A FUCKING COOKIE. Yes, an anise cookie with frosting and sprinkles. My son who gets carefully chosen, organic, homemade babyfood. Is eating a cookie. The mom came out in me. It was fucking ferocious. I yell, in front of everyone (me - who usually pushes just about everything under the rug until it boils up inside of me and spills out on C.), "I am beyond pissed - give me him!" and run to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I was literally shaking with fury as I cleaned him up. 

It pissed me off on so many levels. It's beyond the cookie-eating. For five years, I have watched her be a mother as she gives her kids candy (1 1/2 year old ate jellybeans like there was no tomorrow), cookies, and junk from morning to night. Smokes through pregnancy and around them. Spanks them when she's fed up. And judge, yes I did. But I never said or did anything because what I think doesn't really matter. I respected her as the mother. Not a good one..but the mother. And she couldn't pay that same respect back. She KNEW I wouldn't give him a cookie but thought she knew better??? wtf?

After her apology when I told her that if she was confused about why we eat and feed Theo organically I would explain it to her, she called me weird. Ignorant.

The sprinkles? All down his brand new Easter outfit. I know...lame reason to be mad, but goddamnit I like my kid to look neat. No boogey faces, wild hair and stained dresses here.

And how about possible egg allergies? Refined sugar before one year of age? 

And you know what? It should have been us who gave him his first cookie. It should have been us who enjoyed that big smile, eager eyes and wild tongue that couldn't get enough of the sweetness. 

Here he is Easter morning with the bunny from his basket!

-S.

p.s. We found a place in NYC (on the UES, our old neigborhood)! Yippee! Coming Sunday, leaving Thursday if anyone's up for a playdate!

Know any New Yorkers leaving the city any time between April 19-25? Know any cheapish hotels? Anyone wanting to see the Northampton area/foothills of the Berkshires? We're coming into town with a very good family friend to do some college tours and our usually home sweet city home is a little crowded for us now with friend and baby. Just 2 or 3 days we are looking for. Let me know if you can help us out. 

On another note. I want to emphatically state what everyone already knows. Being a working mom is so hard. I thought I was going to lose it last week and ended up taking a "mental health" day on Friday. Between school work (report cards go home on Thursday), housework (book club meets here on Wednesday), meal planning (for us, Theo and the book club), errands (out of disposables, wipes, and organic cheerios), yardwork (raking, deadheading, planting peas) and not sleeping (4am wake-ups thanks to a tooth), I was highly stressed and couldn't see when it would all get done. I'm definitely feeling better now that the weekend is over. When I have so many things on my plate I don't know what to concentrate on. I get overwhelmed too easily I think. Between the two of us, we were able to get just about everything done - and even enjoyed Sushi out last night. Breath deep... here comes another week.

 

I leave you with the doodlebug and his doggy who he has come to know and love.

wham bam whoo yah!

Those would be my words for Iowa on this very lovely, historic day. Let us hope and wish and pray (if you are inclined to do so) we don't see a Prop 8-style repeat. Brick by brick, my friends..

In other news, Theo's first tooth officially broke on through last Thursday. Then he got sick. Madness and poor sleeping habits swiftly followed. It's not been a fun week. But, it's over. That's about as much as I can say about it. Good thoughts for the next week, until the next tooth (or cold) may come.

You are my sunsine...

Most of you will think I'm a terrible mama for thinking this is funny. But I crack up every time I watch it. It started off so sweetly with TJ singing to Theo and the ending was just so unexpected - for Theo, TJ and the mama's. And I love "sowwy" and kiss. TJ is Theo's "fake cousin" and his bff - we heart TJ to death. Everyone was fine like ONE minute later. I promise.

CD & SP + 8

Carrie over at Eat, Poop, Love had a great post a couple of days ago about the TLC show "Jon and Kate plus 8" and how disgustingly commercial and gross the whole show has become. She also touched upon how controlling and distasteful the mother is--I think every commenter agreed that the show has gone out of control. Suddenly, having a million kids is very trendy. See Brangelina, Madonna, et. als. for adoption/out of control reproduction problems. Then there's the horrid "18 Kids and Counting: The Duggars," also on TLC. Let's not even get into the octo-mama thing...

It seems everywhere people are having gaggles of children and we are endlessly fascinated by them. I thought this whole discussion was rather appropriate given our recent stressing out over the number of children we'd like to have in our family (as in, should we have 1 or 2, not should we have 4 or 8). Then this morning on NPR, I heard this rather amazingly disgusting story of the Quiverfull Movement. Yes, it's biblical. Yes, it's the idea of "be fruitful and multiply." And it's also the "God will tell us when we've had enough children" theory. Oh, and don't forget the "We're building a Christian Army" part of it. Yikes. (If you listened to this story, I'm sure you'll especially like the bit where a woman claimed in just three generations they could take over urban centers that have gone astray like San Francisco!)

So okay, I admit that I am vaguely jealous of these women's obviously amazing fertility and ability to grow and deliver healthy children. Apart from that, I'm just sort of grossed out by the whole gaggle of children concept--especially these days. I know I'm being judgemental, but it is just not fair to the Earth to have these many kiddos running around. What a resource suck.

Just my thought for the day. I know I sound bitter and rude but, hey, some days I just am.

Theo is 8 months old today. woh.

It's interesting that I haven't posted many updates on the breastfeeding situation. Please recall the breastfeeding dilemma I have been in from day one. I never got enough supply to sustain him, so most of his nutritional intake is from formula. However, I kept up what I could for the health/brain benefits as well as the comfort. Plus, I liked it. Lately he's been nursing before bed and first thing in the morning. I envisioned myself a extended breastfeeding kinda woman...alas...

I pulled the plug. I stopped pumping. I've dutifully pumped everyday for 8 months even though I get paltry amounts. It used to be every time I fed him (even in the middle of the night). Then I went back to work so I was just pumping 3-4 times when I was home. Eventually it dwindled down to once, after I fed him at night. I decided to stop pumping because he self-weaned out of his evening feedings. At this point, he wants the bottle because it's faster and easier. I'm lucky he didn't do this sooner. My supply has diminished to just about nothing (I also stopped the d*mperidone). He isn't interested at night and he was just vaguely piqued this morning.

I worked really hard at breastfeeding. I would call myself a success. Even though he's a formula baby. My first goal was to get breast milk into him everyday for 3 months. Check. Then make it 6 months. Check. My next was 9. I don't know if we'll get there. We have a few weeks left of frozen breastmilk - stored from many tiny amounts acquired while pumping. In my heart, I was hoping for a year. I'm sad it's just about over.

I had such a tumultuous relationship with the entire process. I'm jealous of women who can just whip-it-out and sustain their baby. I'm bitter with women who can and choose not too. I did what I hope was best for Theo. I tried my damndest.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

I felt a little flip-floppy in my stomach as we rode the elevator up to that office again. Already, we were informed that our doctor was running one hour behind. We pulled the bitch mom move: "We have to leave at 4:00 to bring him to swimming and we both left early from work." Yeah, that line. It sort of worked. I still didn't see the doc until 4:20 or so (my appointment was for 3:20), but S. got to come in and show Theo off to our most favorite and understanding ultrasound tech in the world, at the very least, then split with Theo for his swim class.

Okay, so the meaty part. Our doc loved the idea of doing a FET for me. She said, hey, we're paying to have these embryos stored, so why the hell not?? While we both knew insurance would not cover a FET for me, she informed me of the price---let's just say it is about the same cost as 4 IUIs with frozen donor sperm. And no signifigant army of meds - stuff that co-pays will probably actually apply to. Two yucky procedure--the shg and hsg--but even those will (fingers cross, knock on wood) probably be covered.

Waaahhh? Seriously? That's IT?! That was basically my reaction. Not that I am foolish enough to think this will be "easy." Frozen embryo transfers have only about a 25-30% success rate, a 70% thaw rate, and I will probably have to transfer 2 embryos. Our feelings on this is..well..sort of distressing, actually. We only put one embryo back for Theo on the doc's recommendation, and we really do trust her, so if she says she would probably want us to do two, I guess that's it. The yoyos are frozen in pairs, but they don't have to put two back. That is ultimately our choice. But....

..I don't know. So we've apparantly just gone from wondering about having two to figuring out WTF we'd do with three.

And let me tell you, she was ready to sign me up to start right then and there. Walking out the door she said "Welcome Back"! with quite the gleeful smile. Is the economic downturn hititng the infertility business as well or what?!

So that's that. We're not necessarily anywhere closer to an answer now than we were when I spewed off my anxiety about having another kiddo. But, at least we feel armed with the information we need to make that decision.

Thanks for your comments and thoughts on only vs. siblings. I loved hearing about your stories from childhood and to find out that many of you have stressed/are stressing over the same decisions.

On My Mind

Before we actually had Theo, we were 100% positive we wanted two kids. Each of us has one other sibling in varying years of separation (S. is 3 years older than her bro, me 7 years older than my sis), and we were sure we would want a sibling withint 2 years of Theo.

Hence our appointment with the RE tomorrow to talk business, particularly regarding doing a frozen embryo transfer with me as the carrier (Is that the right term? That kind of makes me feel like a pigeon!).

But lately, we've been thinking..how the hell would we do it with two? We are exhausted constantly (blissfully so, but still, exhausted nonetheless). S. can barely make it out of the house with one. We go many places with Theo and it seems that adding to the pot would only make us pull our hair out more. We've watched as S's cousin with an almost-three-year-old and almost-one-year-old twin girls has been run around ragged by her brood. She handles them amazingly, don't get us wrong, but we know how exhausting it is. And she has a shitload of help with those kids and we really don't--it's our babysitter during the school day and that is really it for caretakers on a regular basis.

So, what are some pros and cons of having an only child? Well, as teachers, both S. and I do notice a difference with only children. They can be...well...I don't know...I do not want to sound off -putting, but perhaps only children are a bit more..entitled? Ach, it's delicate, I know. I am just speaking from experience, and S. has occasionally seen the same thing in her little kids. One of my high school friends that I shared the most drama with was an only and her mother's interference in her day-to-day life confounded me. It was like, jeesh, doesn't she have anything better to do?

Of course I know better now, in retrospect. At the time, not being an only, I didn't really get it. I get it now.


And then on the other hand, our neighbor is an only child, and she is Theo's future babysitter, remarkably smart, cute, and nice, and is super-close to both her parents. She is wonderful. And they have traveled all over the country with her from a young age.

Is it selfish to have another? We have so many more resources to give when there's only one to give them to.

So, what to do? Do we cut our losses and raise Theo solo?? He has plenty of cousins around to play with. We could be happy with just him. But would we be missing out on even more happiness by not having another baby??

This is just what's on my mind. I'll let you know how the RE appointment goes tomorrow. Yikes.

Yeah right, mom!

Just to throw my last post back in my face, I'm sure, Theo has decided to be a fuss bucket at unusual times--including 4 in the a.m. I can only guess that teeth are coming. Poor dude! Poor mommies!

I'm sure he did that just to remind me that babies are unpredictable in every imaginable way.

What teeth gel, if any, did you guys use when your little ones started teething? We bought this "100% natural" homeopathic stuff only to find that there is parabens in it. We're looking for something a bit less...icky. Any suggestions? 

Random Ramblings

My kid still amazingly still has no teeth. No sign whatsoever except all the drooling. But I suppose we should be happy that we don't have that awful poor teething sad cry going on quite yet.

Theo is loving food--we had to put blueberries on hiatus for now because they are ridiculously messy and stain stuff (duh!), so we've moved on to pears. Yummy, juicy, clear pears.

We occasionally watch random vintage Sesame Street clips on YouTube (prompted by my spontaneously remembering all of the words to  song I haven't heard in 25 years-it's an odd talent I have), and found this one surprising. I guess I always knew that Sesame Street's thing was to be inclusive and appreciate diversity, but when I heard the girl sing "I've got one daddy, I've got two" I almost dropped to the floor. And the best part is, I knew all the words to that song as a kid and it never registered as strange or stood out to me, ever. 

Gotta love Sesame Street. Damn liberal left-wing media agenda!!

Slow News Day

We are negligent bloggers, there is just no getting around that anymore. The most I can bare to do most of the time is post pictures of Theo. I know that is sort of satisfactory for some, but not for me. There was a time when this blog was one of the only outlets we had for our frustration. This is not to say that our frustrations have ended, and indeed I will make good use of you all again as sounding boards when our next TTC frustration (because isn't TTC always a frustrating experience?) exhausts me and nooneunderstandsbutyou!!

So, in the meantime, knowing that frustration is peeking out from behind a tree up the road, I'll leave you with these pics. Mealtime is far from blissful, but Theo does usually enjoy himself, which keeps his mamas happy for sure. He's only sort of got the hang of the food bag, in which we've stuffed some blueberries for munching. Yummy! 

Free Time

We've heard that six months is a tough age for the little babes. Alas we do find that vaguely true over in babymaking town. Poor T is drooling an ocean over those tiny teeth that just haven't broken through to the other side yet. No sign whatsoever except for the shiny face and chapped, slimy hands.

I would say the best thing about six months, though, is trying all the new food. It is awesomely fun, and I really don't get why people buy baby food in jars. I mean, I probably saved like 500% on baby food this month and I still paid $5 for two organic avocados, $4 for an organic sweet potato, less than $2 for a bag of organic peas, and $2.50 for a bunch of organic bananas. At 80-something cents a pop for a jar of organic baby food, I would say I have myself a bargain. Making baby food is definitely beyond the thrill of the bargain for us, though. We like knowing we prepared everything especially for T--we picked it out, peeled it, washed it, mashed it--is this really too much trouble for some people? I get if you're traveling or something, but jeesh.

Okay, enough about my food tirade. I think I'm just feeling so sad for the little dude and his teeth that will not be. Soon soon, I know. As long as everything else stays the same forever and ever I'm good. Like sleeping, for instance. Sleeping can stay. We like sleep--all of us.

We had reached an impasse with our cloth diapers in December. They were constantly leaking, the babysitter kind of stopped using them, and we were just generally unhappy for them. We recommitted in 2009, did some more research about our possible issues, and seem to be back on track. He still can't sleep overnight in them, though---anyone have a good solution for heavy overnight wetters?

Oh, the things I think about now in my free time...

Goals for 2009

I don't like to make New Year's resolutions. I know it's a month past New Year's already, so this is coming incredibly late, but I thought I would start ruminating about this now. This year, I'd like to read more, move more, perhaps move out of my town, and get pregnant. Yes, it's time to start thinking about #2...

I think we have to start thinking about this now because family planning when there's money involved is, well, just more difficult than your run-of-the-mill hetero family planning. I'm sure their's goes something like this: "So, want to have a baby soon?" "OK, let's have sex and see what happens." "Okay, great!"

I know that is an exaggeration and I am NOT insinuating that it is always that easy for heteros to get pregnant. I know it's not and that it can be just as stressful (and expensive!) But after watching S. go through 13 insemination unsuccessfully, I just don't know what is going to lie ahead for me. I'm the same age now as S. was when she started, just about. However, she was incredibly regular--I'm not. I'm also not entirely convinced that don't I have some sort of cyst-situation going on in there that may need to be looked at and resolved before we can start trying.

And then there's this-----it's important to us that Theo has a biological sibling, so do we go with using our donor and my egg, or one of his frozen brothers or sisters sitting in the hospital where we had our IVF? Right now, the donor is not available, but may be in the future--but they don't know when. This is not good. Will it be in a year? A month? Never?? But Theo's brothers and sisters are available right here, right now, for the one-time cost of a FET. But what if it doesn't work and then there's no donor sperm left? What if what if what if what if????????

Clearly we have a lot to work out. What I do know is that it is day 17 of my cycle and I haven't freaking ovulated yet, according to the monitor. WTF?! This is not a promsing start, but I'm going to be positive until we meet with our RE in March. I can, will, and do ovulate. I can be and am regular. I can get pregnant this year.

Most likely you will not hear me talk about this again until our meeting with the RE. I just wanted to put it out there and get it off my chest. So there you go.

I love this kid's hair. I did NOT style this faux hawk--this is 100% natural!

Kidneys: The Update

We took the boy in for his unpleasant procedure this morning. All in all, I would say he did great considering they shoved a catheter up his nether-regions and left it there to watch him pee on screen! However, there was very good news that came out of it all---no reflux! AKA, the pee is not going back in, just going out like it's supposed to.

So now we're on an every-six-month ultra-sound and check-up schedule. Hey, we'll take it. It also means we won't have to give him antibiotics everyday to ward off possible UTIs that come with reflux--not a prospect we were exactly looking forward to. We don't even use antibacterial soap!!! 

Anyway, it's all a non-issue (for now) and hopefully in six months it will disappear completely. Honestly, we didn't think it was reflux because this beastly child pees SO MUCH, that to think any way going back in would mean that there wouldn't be a diaper available to hold all that liquid!

So, pee away, little Theo, pee away! 

Happy Half-Birthday Theo!

The grand finale is totally worth it!

My baby is 6 months old today. How did that happen?

Yay for democracy!

We dressed Theo in his red, white, and blue tie-dye shirt today, but he promptly managed to poop all over it by the end of the morning. Hope that's not an omen of some kind...

Smiles and cheers all around for OUR new President!

Stroller Whores

Well, we gave being baby minimalists our best shot, but to our chagrin we are now the owner of 4, count 'em FOUR strollers. In our own defense, I feel obligated to talk about each of them and their individual functions:

-Snap-n-go for infant carrier--so very handy when Theo was a wee lad and didn't mind being in the car seat. Now the straps hardly fit around him (even though it's supposed to go to 30 lbs.) so we need another solution since we'll be switching to the big car seat very soon.  

-Large Peg Pereggo - purchased before Theo was born for a steal on Craigslist. More drawn by its designer-ness (though we know this pales in comparison to the Bugaboos, Stokkes, etc.) than its functionality, we took it out for the first time last weekend. We loved the roominess for our huge dude and the versatility of the seat positions. Storage compartment gets a thumbs down, though.

-Umbrella Stroller - We got this as a shower gift. When he's older, it will be good, although I know it has pretty much zero support.

- Peg Pereggo Aria - a one-handed, extremely lightweight version of our Cadillac Escalade of strollers up there. It's awesome. We think we like it better than the big Peg, although we just bought it yesterday, again as a steal off of Craigslist. Ahh, Craigslist...

There is a real reason we bought that last one. Theo goes to a babysitter's house every day, and every day he is strolled there in his infant carrier since our sitter lives across the street from S.'s school. Sooner rather than later, little Theo is going to get a big-boy car seat, which means the end of the Snap-n-go. The Aria will stay at school with S., and go back and forth to the sitter's house every day. So it's almost like we don't even own that last stroller, since we won't be traveling with it or really even using it. 

Okay, I just had to get that off of my chest. Please don't judge me for my excessive baby gear! 

all things medical

Some of you may recall way back in the day of 20-week ultrasounds, they found an irregularity in the baby's kidney. Well, that baby turned out to be Theo, and the irregularity still exists. We just went to a pediatric urologist hoping to have him wave us a way saying "see? I told you it would resolve by itself..." But no, Theo has Grade 2 (1 being best, 5 the worst) hydronephrosis of the left kidney and needs a VCUG, which is a catheter inserted into his penis, dye injected into his bladder, all on ultrasound so they can see which way the fluid is moving. Hopefully, not toward his kidneys. I know this will give us an answer once and for all if anything is wrong, but I don't want him to go through this. hmph. 

On another note, he's covered in patches of an excema-like rash. We have a call into the pediatrician. It doesn't seem to bother him, but it's all over his belly, spotty on his back, the back of his knees, his neck. Poor little doodle. We've been spreading Aqu@phor on him pretty liberally. My worry is that it is a sign of food allergy. We started rice cereal on Christmas - he was 5 months and sooooo ready. That kid was born to eat. 

Oh yeah, 19lbs2oz. Big doodle.

Any advice, experience, concerns????

What a year!

From my giant jolly 5 month old to my ever-unhappy newborn.

We're Off!

..to a distant state for Christmas. Here is our packing list, to be shoved in the back of S.'s dad's 12-seater work van. I dare there to be any room left for passengers after we get through packing it up:

• one exersaucer - not collapsable
• at least 3 bags of groceries, just from our home, nevermind what S.'s parents are bringing
• several bags and 2 boxes of presents
• one huge bag just for Theo
• a suitcase for us
• a bag o'toys, blankets, etc...
• diaper bag plus our own personal purse-type bags (we barely carry purses anymore-anyone else have this issue? Bye-bye handbag obsession, hello diaper bag obsession!)

Ugh...and this is after S.'s parents have put their luggage, presents, and groceries in. Even with that long van, I predict it will be a squeeze. But all for love of family do we travel thus, right? This will be Theo's longest car ride yet--we'll see how he does. We leave tomorrow after school time, so most of the driving will correspond with sleepy time, in theory.

Here's Mr. Theo styling in his car seat last weekend. We hope he'll be that happy in it all week!

Always the eldest!

Theo's not the baby any longer. His cousin arrived Sunday evening. 

Meet Jackson Joseph - what a cutie!

We will be spending Christmas with him several states away. We can't wait to squish on him. Theo's going to look like the beast he has become next to this teenie-weenie. What special gifts we have this year.

A Weekend of Miracles

I am the bah-humbug of this family, but even I had to admit I was pleased with everything that happened this weekend while we were away. I was worried about numerous things, from packing up all our crap to traffic driving into the city on a Friday to a cranky baby in line at M@cy's to see Santa. Behold the miracles our magical trip contained:

1. NO TRAFFIC! Once we finally crossed the Triboro (I mean the "RFK Bridge"), I finally had to burst out "Where is everybody?!" which prompted a whack from S. because you never jinx a good streak like that.

2. Pete came down to both help us empty the car and give us his parking spot on his block. What a good friend.

3. We carried Theo around in the Ergo and he had zero meltdowns. Zero. He was amazing--either sleeping or taking in the sights of the city. And, the biggest miracle of all...

Theo totally dug Santa, and I really think we got the real one who totally dug Theo back. No screaming, no fussing. Not a peep. And the line was just not that long--half-hour tops.

4. Then we got to Soho, which on a normal Saturday would be obsurdly crowded. No one there. We were in and out of the Paul Frank store to pick up a couple of onesies for S.'s mom to give to Theo and his cousin (who is supposed to be born on Thursday!!). And they were 25% off. And they were serving milk and cookies.

5. We ate sushi. Theo stuck his hand in the soy sauce. He seemed to enjoy it.

6. There were some other boring things we did that went smoothly. We made it home and ate yummy pizza. We ate bagels and coffee for breakfast, went to Ikea, then went to visit more friends in CT.

The only bummer was the ride home in snow and non-plowed or salted roads. That really sucked and definitely added a bit onto our ride, not to mention was stressful as hell, but all in all I'd say the exhaustion was blissfully warm and squishy and sufficed to even get me to sing a Christmas carol or two in the car. S. declared me offically "in the Christmas spirit." The end.

And We're Off...

There isn't one weekend in December where we are not either going away or have something going on. This is the inaugural weekend of December insanity, and we're off to the city to stay with friends and maybe, just maybe, stand in line to get Theo's picture taken with the Macy's Santa Claus. This sounds like insanity to me, but S. insists we're "making memories!" It will be an adventure nevertheless, toting Theo around on the subway and down city streets. I'm kind of interested to see what our lives would have been like had we not moved out, and had to deal with the consequences of being city mamas. I know there are plenty of you out there whose blogs we read who deal with this everyday, so let's see if we have the muster to do it for even one weekend!

One of my biggest defects is that I have wonderful ideas and intentions, but terrible or not-so-perfect execution and follow-through. This blog is a perfect example. In theory, I love writing on the blog. The reality is, I come home from work exhausted from a long day, then am Mommy and home chef and housekeeper and various errand runner, and then I don't even have time to check e-mail let alone write a blog entry. I'm sure this is a common tale, and my intention is certainly not to fill this particular entry with woe and whining about how hard my life has become. The fact is life is more challenging now, with less down-time, especially this time of year. But the fact remains that life has improved in immeasurable ways.

Today I officially adopted Theo. I found the day to be a happy occasion, but S. found the whole thing absurd rather than a celebration. We had to pay $1,000 just so that some other state or country can recognize our marriage (by default) and the birth of our son (by law). She just doesn't think we should be having to do this in the first place. But I'd like to remind her that there are plenty of states (like, mostly the rest of them) that wouldn't even have allowed our adoption today to have happened, and certainly in not such a pleasant way. The judge smiled and flirted with Theo the whole time (the whole 5 minutes it took) instead of being all grave and serious. We never felt talked down to, but felt encouraged by her words: "I don't see why we shouldn't make this family right now." Bloggers already know that love makes a family long before the law does, but it was affirming nonetheless, especially in light of all the craptastic civil rights repeals as of late.

And so I'll leave you not with an adoption picture exactly (he screamed his head off through all of those!), but with a four-month picture of Theo happily playing in his (now legal) family home.
By the way, this kid is, for all intents and purposes, a beast. His height percentage was apparently "off the charts", and he weighs a whopping 16 lbs, 12 oz. Yikes!

working mama

Being a working mom is even harder than been a stay-at-home mom and I thought that was hard! It's like having 2 full-time jobs. I'm exhausted. I can't ever imagine having a minute to myself. My god, how will I blog? :) I know it's just a matter of getting used to our new routine. But, whoa.

Actually, the first two days of this week, our babysitter's kid came down with pneumonia, so I had to call C. mid-day to go get him. I couldn't leave on my first day back, right?! Then he went to school with me on Election day when we had Professional Development (aka - no students). So it's only been two days. She says he's been great. 

I love being back in the classroom. It feels good. And I love being reunited at 3pm. It's really the perfect situation. I just need to realize that I'm not going to do as much in the classroom - let it go - I do not need to be teacher of the year! There's no productive early mornings or late afternoons with the little Theo with me. Priorities, right?

Little Stinker

Hope everyone had a happy Halloween weekend. I'll let you know how day one as a working mom goes tomorrow. I'm too busy to be freaked out - I'm sure that will creep up at 3 am. 

counting down

One week left! My goodness. Some predicted I would be "loving it" by this point and go back to school kicking and screaming. Partly true. There is part of me that will miss some parts of the day - but overall, I'm ready to go back. Well not ready per se, but ready to get ready. I have plans to make, schedules to change, assessments to analyze, kids to know -YIKES. I'm going back to school. It will be a lot of energy and organization in the beginning both on the Theo end and the being a teacher part. But I look two months ahead and like the routine and consistency and being a working mom. That's me. SAHMhood was fun (well, not always) while it lasted. 

We spent the weekend in Burlington visiting with family friends. We had a great time. But we're glad to be home to get Theo back into his routine. He had fun waking up 5 times on Saturday night. I think his buddy Noah taught him that.

Here they are palling around!

the difference a year can make

A year ago today, Theo was an 8-cell top-grade embryo being placed inside my uterus. Thankfully, he burrowed in nicely, stayed warm and cozy for 9 months before arriving to turn our world upside-down. It's hard to imagine a time without Theo. I mean, I remember it and sometimes I miss it, but I couldn't imagine tomorrow without him. You know? 

He's three months old tomorrow. Seriously. Last year I had an 8-cell embryo that I was hoping would stick around and this year I have a three month old. I wish I could tell the last year S. to relax - next year you'll be crazy in an entirely different way. 

Amazing. 

Just trying something

We bought this flip video camcorder awhile back but I hadn't yet tried downloading to blogger. Here's Theo in his swing - yes, I know, not very exciting. Just trying it out. I hope it works, this camera is pretty cool. Cheap and easy. Not high-quaility but good for catching little baby moments. 

changes

Change #1

I'm learning how to become a stay-at-home-mom. In the last few days we have gone to infant massage class (not relaxing), gone for a walk with a parents group I've joined, and had an adult- with-child playdate with friends we made in birthing class. We've entered a whole new world. Strange. But comforting. 3 weeks left - I still want to go back to work.

Change #2

I think Theo may finally be rejecting my slow, low-supply breasts. We've had an OK time with our breastfeeding/formula-feeding routine. He gets both. First the boobs - then a 4oz. bottle. Nutrition and comfort, followed by sustenance. In the last week he just pulls off from the boob, sometimes he cries or screams. I don't want to force it but...I want to force it. Not quite ready to give it up. My goal was 3 months and we made it to that, but now I want to make it to 6 months. Lofty, huh? I've really given this breastfeeding thing my all - it's still a disapointment to me but I feel like I overcame it.  Any hints on how to keep him going? I do have some frozen to give in a bottle for the next month or two.

Change #3

The season. It's beautiful here right now. Here he is 'enjoying' it. 

It's National Coming Out Day tomorrow, although I now understand that when you have a child together, you and your same-sex partner must come out in one way or another pretty much every day. I'm running the Gay-Straight Alliance at my school while my good friend and co-worker is on maternity leave (she and her wife had their son in the beginning of Sept.), and we celebrated today by having the kids pass out rainbow ribbons to everyone--and I mean everyone. These kids were undaunted, giving them out to students, teachers, paraprofessionals, staff, and administrators. And, I'm happy to report--most of the adults wore them.

We did have one incident where a teacher (yes, another "educator") told a student, when asked if she'd like a ribbon: "No. I don't believe that should be promoted at school." I have informed my friendly Title IX coordinator and I believe they've had a little chat about that already.

I was so proud of my kids--one even got on the morning announcements (which is on camera, mind you) and said "I'm Gay!" and proceeded to talk about how much casual insults can really hurt. He told me later that when he returned to his class, they gave him a standing ovation.

Making tiny ripples in the system makes me happy.

So does this!

Boring Snoring

So last week I said, damn, this blog has sure gotten boring...but S. responded in a way that surprised me. She said "Good. I like it that way."

Then we looked back to our posts from a year ago, when we were getting ready to start our IVF cycle after 14 failed inseminations. So yeah, I think in comparison, I'll take a boring blog.

I'll leave you with a boring picture or two. Yes, we love torturing our child. We were trying to get a good picture for a Holiday card, and then made him pose in some homemade sweaters (and a pumpkin his uncle picked out just for him while it was growing this summer in the pumpkin patch!).

Big Boy

This is a kid we were worrying wasn't gaining enough? Yikes.

He officially weighs in at 13.6 - 90th percentile. 

His height is 23 1/2 - 75th percentile.

Head circumference is 40cm - 50th percentile.

Cuteness is 100th percentile.

My mom purports that 13lbs. is the magic number. The amount they weigh when they calm down, stop crying and relax into being a sweet baby. Maybe we're getting there. Maybe. It's hard to tell with him. Just as I think things are getting easier, he has a crappy day. So, no promises, but I think we're still headed in the right direction. As we speak, he's hanging out on my bed just talking to himself. 

Travels with Baby

Well, it's officially no more fun to travel. We went on a Philadelphia/NYC excursion this past weekend--to Philly for the wedding of a dear friend, to NYC to stay along the way to break up the drive. I think it may have been tolerable to travel with a two-month old had we not had to unpack and then re-pack the car a total of three times in three days. S. and I had one suitcase for all of our stuff, plus another bag to carry into our friend's apt. in NY so we wouldn't have to haul said suitcase all the way up the stairs. Theo had his mitts into every single piece of luggage we packed, plus a bag that was all his very own, plus the co-sleeper. Oh yeah, and the breast pump. And the diaper bag. Needless to say, we used disposable diapers this weekend!

All in all, though, Theo was on his best behavior. He was mostly very good during the wedding, though he did have to be carried off by Stacey during the actual ceremony because he was screaming (S. had to do a reading and I was a bridesmaid). Other than that he was good. He slept great in his co-sleeper in the hotel and in the apartment, so that is nice to know about him. The maid-of-honor actually set up her pack-and-play in the hotel bathroom to make sure her 10-month old stayed asleep--craziness!

Here are some shots of our BIG two-month old boy. The one down below is with our other friend S.'s boy L. who just turned one in August! Check out that awesome hair (L's, not Theo's!)!!

These are the handknit/sewn/crocheted gifts we've received for Theo. It seems they deserved a special place in the blog. As knitters, we know just how much works goes into a blanket or sweater. 

The grey and tan blankets were crocheted by mom, the pinkish one by my good MHC friend, Liz. The tan sweater was crocheted by my mom (because who doesn't need a sweater to match your blanket). The off-white one by my cousin, new to knitting.  And the grey one was knit by Stacey (our doula) to match her boyfriends sweater. I can't wait to see them together this fall. The quilt on the crib was also made by Stacey. She's amazing, huh? Knitting, sewing, AND catching babies. The bumpers on the crib were sewn by C.'s mom, a very talented seamstress. Below is Theo in a handknit bib by another MHC friend. 

And there you go...home grown love for little Theo. 

Well, it's that day again. On that day, I was certainly not thinking that seven years in the future I would be married and have a child and not live in NYC anymore. But here I am. I'm not going to talk about this day. There's plenty said by others and more eloquently. I'll only quietly reflect like many of you are doing, I'm sure. One thing I will say though--it scares me slightly that my son was born under this event's shadow. And I can only hope his generation gets us out from underneath it.

Back to business now--Theo still screams. A lot. There are bad days and then there are slightly better days. Tuesday he screamed so much that the poor kid is actually starting to lose his voice. Growth spurt? Tummy ache? We really don't even know where to begin, so I'm throwing in the towel and bringing him to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm not an over-reactive medical type of person--but when a baby does nothing but scream, even after eating, even I know something is kind of wrong.

But he is growing--and how! Here's a rare glimpse at Theo smiling, then fascinated with his favorite new friend--the black and white dog we like to call Bingo. Yes, we broke down and bought one of those crazy florescent play mats with the dangly things. He just loves them, so what can we do but acquiesce?

Updates and whatnot

Well, Mr. Theo has pretty much been dominating our lives for the past week and a half, as you could probably tell by our severe lack of posts. After S.'s initial shock at being left home along with a screaming infant all day, Theo seemed to have possibly turned a corner--he was actually pretty good for two whole weekends--in a row! But you parents know how it goes. The best laid plans...yeah. Today, fuss. Nonstop, apparently. Now, of course I'm at school all day so I dodge this until I come home, then I take over fussy baby duty, to a certain extent, to give S. some downtime. At least that's the ideal. Right now, I have actually managed to lull him to sleep with his sleep machine. (This is a must-have for our fussy baby and will now be our go-to shower gift for moms-to-be!) I actually feel sort of guilty for using it during the day, which seems a little weird. I mean, he doesn't know what time it is, really, not yet. I just hope he isn't actually more in-tuned to our nighttime routine than I know and now he's going to sleep for the next four hours and make S.'s night miserable. Ugh.

Other than that, I have to say he's been mostly pretty good (with the exception of today) this whole week. Of course I was around a lot. No work Monday, and we took Theo to his pediatric urology appointment Tuesday so I didn't go then either. His hydronephrosis is really mild, but still needs to be watched, basically--another ultrasound and consultation in four months' time. Hopefully it will disappear by the time he's one.

Oh yeah, and he's an official member of the pork-pie club, weighing in at 11.2 pounds. He's chubbing up at last!

I've gone "back to school" every year for the past 27 years. Really truly since Kindergarten - I had my first teaching job right out of college. I love clean desks, school supplies, school clothes, and those first day flutters that even the teacher gets.

I'm not going back to school tomorrow. It feels really weird to me, weird in a bad/sad way. I'm missing things. I'm having a hard time letting go of my classroom and letting the long-term sub take over. I find myself wanting to get the kids started on the right foot.

I don't have anyone else to admit this to. I wish I was going back to school tomorrow.

I'm ashamed that I would rather be in my classroom than home with my baby. But today was my first day as a SAHM (C. went back to school today) and it was hard. Really fucking hard. He cries a lot. He fusses all day. He doesn't nap during the day. Eating is the only way to calm him down - and nursing is still a long process for us, followed by a bottle. I don't know how women do this and like it. I'm not enjoying my baby right now. There, I said it.

I love my baby, I'm just not enjoying him. Don't flame me. Seriously, I'll cry.

How do you politely tell strangers that no, you cannot hold my baby? Um, awkward...

And just for fun, we went blueberry picking! I think Theo likes it. He'll probably like it better when he can actually eat the blueberries, though!

My "Birth" Story--sorta/kinda

S. wanted me to post my version of the birth story. She claims I remember way more. (Which is actually true--now and then I'll be like "remember when you..." and she'll be like "no, I don't.") I suppose that is your body's brilliant biological/psychological reaction to massively painful experiences like childbirth--the end-product makes you forget about all the labor it took to get there.

I won't post my whole version--it obviously cannot possibly compare to S.'s--but I will say a few things about being there from start to finish as a birth partner. First of all, it is the most bizarre thing I have possibly ever seen, watching S. give birth. She has a very low pain threshold, so I knew a natural birth was going to be rough, but I had no freaking idea how she was going to do it. Doubted her? No, not doubted, because I knew how committed she was to having a natural birth. I just didn't understand how it was all going to actually happen.

So what was so bizarre? Well, I guess the fact that she was actually doing it, and watching her go through the most painful thing she has/will ever experience. She seemed like a different person, so close and so far. She needed me and our doula to be there, but at times I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I was there, helping her, but my other self was floating above, watching with disbelief as S. experienced each contraction.

Then it came time to push. As soon as our midwife said "OK, it's time for you to get on your back and push your baby out!" my knees just about buckled under me. The adrenaline pumping through my body made me quiver so hard I could hardly help hold S.'s legs up--or fan her!--but somehow I did it. And again, I watched in disbelief and S. did the most amazing thing I will ever see happen.

So basically, I came out of Theo's birth with a new perspective on S. She wowed me with her strength (even though she doubted her own strength many times throughout the labor) and stamina and most of all, the ability to tolerate all that pain. Maybe tolerate is an understatement, but she did it! I am so, so proud of her, and I look at our son and see her there, and remember all the hard work she did (and continues to do) for him and for our family.

And I won't say anymore about the actual birth, because there are pregnant women and partners out there who will just have to wait to experience those parts (the kind of yucky ones) for themselves!

3 weeks ago today

At long last, my birth story. I'll warn you now - it's long. And not very artfully written. It's a simple account of what happened. I wrote some details down the days after birth and some have come to me over the last several weeks. I would love for C. and Stacey to write/publish their versions. The whole story still shocks and amazes me. I did that.

Birth Story

On Monday, July 21^st we headed to Hospital for an 11am ultrasound. We planned to check in on the baby who was now 10 days overdue. The ultrasound tech (our favorite) found a pretty low level of amniotic fluid and suggested a call to the midwives. They proceeded to send us to the Birthing Center for a non-stress test, to make sure the baby was not in any type of distress.

When we arrived Nurse Brian asked if we would like a small, medium or large room since we’ll be here for awhile. Convinced he had us confused with another patient, I told him that it didn’t matter because we were only here for a non-stress test. He was a little more insistent and I told him we’re not staying. Adamantly, “we don’t have any of our things and the dog is home all alone”. Oh, okay then.

Hooked up to the EFM, Liza (the midwife) comes in around 2:00 and informs us that the amniotic fluid levels are too low to let us leave. She would like to see me attached to the EFM from now on. Liza explains that Cerv1dil will ripen my cervix tonight, I will get a good night sleep and Pit0cin will be administered in the morning. Another midwife will deliver me tomorrow/tomorrow night/the next day. This could be a long process. I begin to realize my birth plan is out the window. C. calls Stacey, our friend/doula, who is on her way back from NH and then heads home to get our birthing things. Things are not going as planned….

At 6pm Cerv1dil is inserted, with a 2^nd dose planned for 6am. Liza notes that my cervix is high and hard, not at all ready for birthing. Not planning on delivering me, she fails to read the birthplan and cordblood things. Stacey, C. and I eat a pizza and plan to watch some Bravo, maybe play Dominoes. But cramps begin within a half hour. I start to feel yucky and wonky and tired.

By 7pm the cramps are bad and I am attempting to rock them away in the rocking chair. Stacey begins timing some things because they seem so repetitive. They are 4-6 minutes apart. But remember, these are just cramps that sometimes accompany the Cerv1dil. I say to C., “If the cramps are this bad, how will I ever be able to stand contractions?” Our new nurse, Tina, comes in and notices that I seem to be deteriorating and things are tough. She gets Liza, who offers Morphine for sleep. What? I refuse, because I hate the way I feel when medicated. She assures it is safe and will be out of my system before the baby comes. She really wants me to sleep. I don’t see how that will be possible.

Between 8pm and 11pm the painful cramping continues. When I throw up the pizza, Tina worries that we have over stimulated my uterus and gets Liza. Liza agrees and wants to remove the Cerv1dil. When she does that – surprise – I’m 5 centimeters dilated. Not cramps after all, contractions – and I’m half way there! She removes the Cerv1dil and my body continues on its own.

From 11pm to 3am I labor in bed. I am very uncomfortable. In fact, that’s what I keep saying to everyone, “I’m very uncomfortable”- umm, understatement. Liza repeatedly offers an epidural even though my birth plan states “I will ask, please don’t offer.” Annoying, but tempting. I never commit. The next time she checks my cervix it’s 7 centimeters. The tub is contemplated, but I don’t think I can move to another room.

My water finally breaks in the bed, and things get really hard. I turn to my side, helping the cervix to fully dilate. Hard and tough and painful and constant. I can’t seem to get my body to stop convulsing, even as I realize this is the transition. I try to ride them out, but I feel like I’m just hanging on for the ride, clenching until it’s over. It’s like being under a giant wave, and not being able to reach the surface. And then you’re slammed onto the shore, take a breath and another wave overtakes you. This was definitely the worst for me. In fact, I relive it for the next day or two – shuddering each time.

The need to push comes sometime before 4am, but Liza is not ready for me to push. My body is not ready so I have to hold them back. This is so difficult, impossible even. My body says “PUSH” and I feel powerless to stop it. Poop.

Around 4am, true pushing beings. It’s better because there are longer breaks between the contractions. I’m trying to follow directions, but everyone seems irritated that I can’t do what they’re saying. Just because my eyes are closed (which they were for almost the entire birth), doesn’t mean I can’t hear you. I am so unbelievably hot. “Hot”, I keep repeating. Even with the A/C at full blast, I’m “hot.” C. and Stacey fan me with a Chinese handheld fan from Stacey’s doula bag that she got at Pearl River Mart. It was an invaluable tool! Between fanning, they are also holding my legs which are so tired and heavy.

Around 5am, the baby is in the birth canal and Liza wants me to go slow. As the baby moves further down, I feel like my bottom is exploding. I know she’s trying to help me stretch slowly but I have to get the baby out. Like, right now. C. can see hair as the baby comes down. I feel like if I look or touch, I will lose focus – so I take her word for it. I’m taking the deep breaths, and bearing down 2 to 3 times per contraction. I’m so thankful for the breaks between.

5:20, I feel the tearing/stinging, but I don’t care. I’ve got to push this baby out.

At 5:26 the baby comes out and is placed straight onto my belly. I’m surprised by all the blood. I look to C., “What is it?” and she says, “I don’t know!” What? The baby’s body was turned away from her and she couldn’t see the parts. Taking a peek over, she says, “A boy, I think” and Liza nods. The nurse wipes him up and I hear little cries and moans and I realize – I did it. It’s over, and I did it. C. and I have our family.

It takes awhile for Liza and Tina to figure out the cordblood banking. The baby lays tired on my chest. Birthing the placenta is so relieving. We all take a look at what it was that sustained our son for so long. Really amazing.

Around 6ish Liza begins repairs on my third-degree tear while the baby is cleaned and weighed. I birthed an 8lb 10oz, 20 ¾ inch long, baby boy. Woh. Liza has Dr. Loebel, and ob/gyn surgeon, come in to take a look at the tear and do the stitches. The stitches are done from front to back – ow – but are superficial (no muscles), thank goodness. It takes awhile and I keep thinking about how I can’t wait to close my legs. They are so tired and shaky.

Around 7ish we are finished and I can breastfeed for the first time. He takes it easily. C. begins to call people, who are surprised - remember we weren’t even supposed to be put into labor until this morning? My mom and dad are here within a few hours. C.’s mom and sister come later in the day. It’s a whirlwind of a day as we introduce Theo to his new family.

I ended up with the Birth Story I wanted. Surprisingly. No one thought this is how it would go. I wouldn’t have done it without the support (and fanning) of C. and Stacey. And I trusted my instincts. I trusted my body. It was hard.

We Heart Poop

Obviously the novelty of this will wear off, but Theo seems to be pooping more regularly now. This is only exciting because he was going 5+ days with nary a poo in sight, so poop = good, because poop = Theo's getting enough to eat!

Ummm, I don't think two years ago I would have ever been so excited about changing a poopie diaper. Oh my, the times, they are a changin'...

Cow for hire

Anyone ever use a breast milk from a milk bank? I'm trying to figure out logistics/cost, but the info is not that easy to find. I'm not even sure if there is one local enough to western MA. I know 'breast is best' but I have to admit I'm a little creeped out about the idea of using a strangers breast milk.

This is probably not the way we'd go, but I like to explore all my options...

Do people still hire wet nurses? :)

Ignorance is bliss

I yearn to be ignorant. I want to be that woman who doesn't understand how her body works - because she doesn't have to - it works and that's all that matters.

I don't know why I'm always surprised by the inadequacies of my body. Why do I have to become an expert about conception? about IVF? about ways to make an overdue baby come naturally? about breastfeeding? Part of me knows it's just my personality - I seek out the knowledge. And part of me is just bitching about the women out there who have no interest in breastfeeding but are still leaking 6 months down the road.

Theo is getting about an ounce from me every time he feeds. Obviously, nowhere near enough to sustain him. So, supplementing with formula. I am also pumping after every feed and getting about half an ounce. He gets that too. urgh. I've done everything and I know that now. 4 lactation consultants, fenugreek, domperid0ne, a tongue-tie surgery, J@ck Newman's book from cover to cover, pumping every two, a hospital pump, a good latch and a *perfect* sucking baby. I think I have insufficient glandular tissue - this is all it has to give.

I've kind of made peace with it. I will continue to breastfeed and pump as long as there is some milk there. It' s not what I envisioned, but I've done everything and I feel content that there's nothing else to be done, so it's time to move on. Hell, I was a formula fed baby and I'm smartish and have always been healthy, allergy and asthma free.

Another exciting day of screaming today. We went to the hospital to get Theo's kidneys ultrasounded (is that a verb? it is now!). They are still dilated and have some fluid in them, so our next stop is to go to a pediatric urologist where they will figure out the cause. It's probably just going to be a minor procedure that isn't a big deal, but it's one more thing to deal with when it feels like we're dealing with many other things over here--like, is Theo eating enough? Will S. ever make enough milk and, if she does, will Theo figure out how to get to it? Will he ever gain weight? Why isn't he pooping? Will he ever stop screaming?

To try to answer these questions, we will head out again tomorrow to meet with yet another lactation consultant. At his weigh-in on Friday, we will decide once and for all whether this breastfeeding thing is going to be for him, and whether we will throw in the towel in bring in the bottle. This.is.hard.

But at least he's cute...

Rise n' Shine, Campers!

Today our darling dog Ringo decided he'd love to try one of Theo's poopie diapers. Ugh is just about all I can say about that. Did I mention Ringo is a white dog? Double ugh.

All this diaper tearing ensued while we were out of the house this morning. We did what I am fairly certain is a complete and total lesbian first: we are very likely the first lesbian couple to travel 45 minutes to a lactation consultant who also happens to be the nurse for a Catholic summer camp for two weeks. She's really good, obviously, and she didn't have a problem with us coming up there this morning, so we rose early, woke up Theo, and headed out the door around 7 a.m. to meet her at 8 at the camp. It felt a little weird being the lesbian breastfeeding couple in the nurse's sleeping quarters at the Catholic camp, but the lactation consultant didn't seem to care, so we eased up eventually, too, and just let her give us her wonderful guidance and advice.

She thinks Theo's latch is not quite right yet. We did a LOT of work on it this morning, and all day long. Hopefully he's getting it and getting more milk so S. can make more milk. Whew. Still hard, but maybe we at least have a cause now of the low supply. We weigh in again on Friday. It feels so far away!

The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore

Well, it makes occasional stops. Like, weekend service or something. S.'s milk is still not all there, but there is milk, so that is the positive thing, and Theo is getting some breastmilk right now. We're going to the camp where our hospital lactation consultant is working right now (yes, we're so desperate we're driving to her) to check things out. In the meantime, by the graciousness of a wonderful close friend of ours, S. has started taking an rx that is supposed to increase milk supply. We're all crossing our fingers hoping this will be it, that she just needs a little boost and Theo and Mamas will be happy. Because no one is really very happy at the moment. I am happy to say, though, that while he may be restless and scream his head off during the day, he's been pretty good (cross fingers, knock-on-wood) at night, giving us a 3-4 hour stretch before we hear his little lips smacking after his last feeding.

I just don't want my baby to be hungry, or my baby mama to feel inadequate, because her dedication to Theo and breastfeeding is so amazing. So many women would have just thrown in the towel by now. Even though it's emotionally and physically draining, she's hanging in there hoping things will work out. And if not--we will resign ourselves to it, pick up the pieces, and move forward.