I am feeling the least bit symptomatic of being pregant, and symptoms I do feel (hunger, bloat, sore boobs, extreme anxiety and moodiness) I am attributing to the progesterone. However, I am only 7 dpo, more or less, and with another week to go of the tww, I am trying to stay positive--or at least neutral. If this try does not work, then I am already booked for a surgery to get my cyst removed next month. I am really, really not looking forward to this surgery (it's supposed to hurt for a week after), so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I see two lines next week.

On a funnier note..my kid is hilarious. And..he is 20 months old. As in 2-0. In a whole other set of numbers old. 24 months seems so, so close. And his mommies...so, so sad. Where is our little boy? Below, witness the big boy consuming an ENTIRE corned beef sandwich at our local St. Patrick's Parade.

And did you know...?

Did you know that, as a side perk of increasing progesterone production (hopefully), B-complex also turns your pee the color of Mountain Dew? Quite amusing!

Oh, NOOOO!

Ahh yes, and as soon as I took comment moderation off, I get a block of Chinese spam, as Shroedinger pointed out. Just loverly!

I feel very good about the timing of these insems. We did one in Noho yesterday at a beauuuutiful new space there called Cr@dle, done by the same mw that delivered Theo (a good sign? I hope so.), then another one this morning. My midwife is fairly certain, as am I, that I ovulated last night because my temp did go up, but I was still very open with LOTS of ewcm. She old me it was as good a timing as she's seen, so that is tre hopeful. I had to go alone this morning and tell a white lie to work about not being able to come to my first 2 classes, but it's all good. Now I just sit back and wait as my nerves jangle about my short luteal phase. I start progesterone supplements Wed. night and bought some B-complex to take in addition.

Aaaaand, guess what word Theo has learned? NO!!! Ahhh, yes, the wonderful world of NO, or, as he likes to say in a way-too cute voice, OH, NOOOOO!!!!!! It takes our all not to imitate him and give him the wrong idea that it's actually a fun and cute word that's okay to say all the time. I guess it was inevitable.

All systems go!

I turned comment moderation OFF. To tell you the truth, it was really more annoying than having to delete random-ass comments. So, feel free to fire away again.

My OPK finally turned positive (jeesh, only took until day 17--lordy my cycle is screwed up) and it looks like I'm heading in tomorrow morning. Yikes. We went for 2 vials this week; our midwives' insem policy with 2 vials is to do the inseminations at 12 hours and 36 hours after a peak reading. To me, the last one seems a little late. Thoughts? I feel like I'm an on-the-early-side ovulator, but don't really have consistent proof because I only started temping last month. Dummy dumb-dumb dummy. ALWAYS DO YOUR TEMPS! Lesson learned. But, at least I'll feel good about tomorrow morning's insem, and hope the egg doesn't leave the nest before Monday morning.

Well. I guess my cycle last month really was a fluke, because I went in for a follicle scan yesterday, day 12, and there was one pretty tiny follicle present. It needs to get twice as big before it's ready. So, probably back for another scan later this week. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Erg. The swimmers (2 vials) are landing tomorrow.

We're also waiting for Spring over here. We got a sneak preview this weekend. Oh boy, was it a good feeling basking the sun, watching the rivulets of melting mountain snow trickle down the hills and into the streams and rivers, and walking---walking outside! Yes, it was muddy, but all the more puddles for Theo to jump into.

Oh yeah, remember Theo? In my megalomaniacal quest to get pregnant, I seemed to have forgotten that this blog is named after the cutest BABY. Jeesh. Well, he's a crazy, hilarious maniac, and that's probably all you need to know for now. Oh yeah...and CUTE!

Proof of the actual sun actually melting the snow:

Mental Health Day

Sorry, this is very annoying to some people, but I had to turn my comment moderation on. I was getting super-weird messages from super-weird places. You know what I mean. So if it takes a day or two for your comments to pop up, please do not be offended! I don't always check my e-mail daily (crazy, I know).

Babysitter's daughter has strep, so Theo's home with me today. I needed a mental health day anyway. Did anyone else have a horrible week?? The weather is just compounding the misery. The planets are definitely aligned in some wacky, wacky way. Hoping next week is better.

Oh - and it's CD2. This confirms it - I have a ridiculously short luteal phase. Since I am 99% sure I ovulated between CD 13 and 14, that would have made my luteal phase for my last cycle 8 days long. 8 days! That is insanity. Progesterone after this month's insem for sure, and if we get a BFN, perhaps onto some Cl@mid? I know it's worked miracles for many of you.

Have a great weekend. If it's snowing where you are - ENJOY IT! Our snow storm this week was a bust, blowing forth drippy, wet snow that turned into 4 inches of slush on our gravel driveway which then turned into pouring rain. Spring, are you around the corner somewhere?

Regrouping

I have to say, I only mourned this cycle for about 6 hours - basically, from the time I woke up and my temp peaked and I knew I had ovulated, to the time I was able to call the sperm bank and cancel our shipment at the last minute. I guess I just felt good that, hey, my cycle was regulating itself, and that I pretty successfully could identify multiple signs pointing to impending ovulation. I'm just hoping with earlier monitoring next cycle we'll have really good timing. I'm feeling good.

Oh, and all our woes from last week seemed to have worked out. I visited my Grammy in the hospital and her recovery is going great; Theo's nose is still weird, but damn he's cute; our car wheel is fixed; and my tire hasn't deflated anymore since the fill-up. Oh yes, things are looking up.

Do check out these pictures of Theo taken by our good friends Stacey & Peter during a Winter walk this weekend. You will laugh when you get to the last one, I guarantee!

When it rains..

Remember that "I'm on vacation and relaxing, damnit!" attitude I had last Thursday? Oh, how things change so quickly.

WARNING: there is lots of what is likely to be interpreted as "whining" in this post. At least, that's what S. would call it. I just call it "talking." But you've been warned either way.

So, where to start. Let's start at the very beginning.

During our weekend trip to Martha's Vineyard, Theo fell off a set of stage stairs flat on his face and got a HUGE shiner on his cute-as-a-button nose. When we returned Sunday, we noticed two incredibly huge and hard lumps on either side of his nose. We thought he may have broken it, so today we got a last-minute appointment with our ped. who does not think it is broken, bruised, or fractured. We totally disagree with her. His nose did NOT have those weird bumps before he fell face-first onto the floor. Grr.

Then, on the way to Theo's gymnastics class on Monday, I drove into a nasty pothole (damn freeze-thaw cycles!) while driving S.'s car. Immediately after, the steering wheel started shaking. I took it in today to get looked at. Diagnosis: a bent wheel. Cost of repair: $200. Yay.

I then find out my grandmother had triple-bypass surgery yesterday, only my mother neglected to call and tell me and now I look like a horrible daughter for not calling her yesterday to see how things went. I think I fixed that mistake and will travel two hours on Friday or Saturday to see my grandmother once she's out of the ICU.

Oh, and the best one yet...I ovulated. And our sperm wasn't supposed to arrive until tomorrow.

Let me explain that I don't usually get a peak reading on my monitor or opks until around days 17-19. I got a peak on my monitor day 13, and by day 14, my follicle was gone. I went in for an ultrasound this morning, and there was nothing left but fluid. That ship sailed sometime last night. And us, sperm-less, could do nothing about it except respectfully bow out of this cycle.

It also snowed yesterday, so I got up at 5:00 this morning to shovel and snowblow to get out of the driveway to make it to my u/s appointment.

Okay, I'm done bitching now. Our bffs are coming back around this way for a visit the rest of the week so we can have some actual fun.

Whining over.

What the hell is with all of my junk blog comments lately? Does anyone else have that problem? I even have the word-thingy on, but it doesn't seem to prevent the random "Hello, nice blog! check out mine at..." comments that lead to random-ass things.

Just a rant. But I'm on vacation now so I.DON'T.CARE! Let the week of relaxing begin.

Conversation Hearts

S: It's almost Valentine's Day. What did you get me?
Me: I thought we weren't exchanging presents. Did you get me something?
S: Yes.
Me: What? Seriously? I thought we agreed not to!
S: I got you 56 million little presents.
Me: What?
::thinks::
Me: Oh. Thanks, baby!

Yes, that's right--more sperm, coming our way soon, next week with an insem hopefully next weekend or the beginning of the week after. We're doing two vials this time - next cycle we're taking off because we don't want to have a baby around Christmas. Selfish, maybe, but hey, if we can control it, why the hell shouldn't we? At least it's one thing we have control over.

I certainly don't have control over this thing right here; just look at the mess he made of my laundry!

Onwards we go. BFN.

I'm glad to have Theo around to cheer me up through this process.

Growing Up

In all the hubbub about our first IUI, we neglected to mention that Theo is officially (as of a week ago) and one-and-a-half-year-old. Or, an 18-month old, depending on your personal preferences.

So what is the lovey up to? All of a sudden, he just knows oh-so much. He points and nods and gesticulates wildly when he's excited about or wants something. Ask him something, and he can point to it. People speak of there being a sign explosion or a language explosion. I wouldn't call it that exactly. It's just--an involvement explosion? I don't know. He's just different in a big-boy way. He also climbs up everything. Stools. Ladders. Couches. Chairs. Tables. Anything mountable he can find a way to scramble up.

On the words front, I don't think he still has officially met the "10 words by 18-months" quota, but some of his frequent words are mama, munny (for mommy), lala (elmo), ball, ba (for bottle, though he doesn't take one anymore, so it now means a sippy cup of milk), light (sort of), and I swear the other day he said "stair" as we were going upstairs, but who knows.

So, not 10. But, he points and nods and babbles away. I'm not really worried, but I'm no early childhood specialist like my darling wife, who analyzes everything Theo does. The car pile-ups down his parking garage ramp; the occasional lining up of cars. Does it mean anything? Of course not necessarily. But she's still watching him like a helicopter mom. One of the teachers at S.'s schools, after hearing Theo's list of "symptoms," like not being able to hold his spoon properly, said, "oh, yeah. you should get him tested." Sometimes S. needs to be kept in check.

And, sometimes it's a bad thing when teachers turn into parents.

And did I mention the boy self-weaned himself off the bottle? He did indeed. Just stopped being interested in it at night and now happily (er, sort of) will have his pajamas put on, his teeth brushed, a book read to, and then plop into bed.

That's the love. He never stops moving and never stops amazing us and testing us. I think we're already getting a preview of the fabled terrible twos, as he's taking to smacking us in the fact without warning. Yes. Any advice on that one? Maybe in another post.

Self-medicating

I am self-medicating the way I learned it watching S. get multiple IUIs and me prepare my body for the 2 embryo transfers we did last year. After most of S.'s IUIs, she was given prometrium supplements to bulk up her lining and prevent an early lining loss, which may trigger miscarraige.

Me, I have a ridiculously short luteal phase--we're talking 10 days at best, and I've even had it as low as 7 or 8 days. I am so paranoid that, should this insemination have actually worked, that the pregnancy won't take or last because I ovulated so late in my cycle (CD 19 was the insem and I think I ovulated that afternoon/night).

One would think my cycle length would be commensurate with my late ovulation, but it's normal - 28 to 29 days, leaving me this month, best case scenario, with a 10 day luteal phase. Not long enough for my comfort.

Since we did the IUI Friday afternoon, there was no one in the office to talk to, so I am planning on giving them a call tomorrow just to check and make sure it's okay. I kind of feel like it's in the "can't hurt-might help" category--I just want to make sure I'm not taking too much.
Returning the blasted tank tomorrow via FedEx. Always a joy to see the look on the FedEx worker's face when picking up and returning a large box labeled "Biological Shipper."

Did we mention how sick Theo is AGAIN? What the heck. Ear infection, on antibiotics. Had a high fever for a few days and a snotty nose and coughy chest. Poor bug, but he is finally on the mend.

Down the Hatch

IUI #1 (and hopefully "and only") is done. It was terrible. I won't horrify everyone with too many details, but basically the insemination induced body-bending cramps resulting in nausea and, um..other stuff the cramps can induce...for nearly 45 minutes. I mean, I was dizzy, sweating, shaking...it was not a pretty sight. WHY? Has this happened to anyone else before? S. also had some bad insems where the cramping was really painful. But this..this was just...enough to make you never want to be pregnant!

Annnddd..to top off the weirdness, the first time the midwife looked at the sperm under the microscope, the sperm were all DEAD. Not moving. Nothing. So she checked again and then...magic! There were a ton of them swimming around. Strange, strange, strange.

All in all, it's a day I am glad is over.

And now we wait.

Dear Body, Please Behave. Love, Me.

My body is doing weird things.

Note: please stop reading if you do not enjoy/cannot take reading about weird things that go on when women are trying to reproduce.

So, my cyst (I feel like I should name it. Any suggestions? It's pretty hefty.) may be causing these strange things to happen before they are supposed to: ewfm before I have even hit the "medium" reading on my fertility monitor; low, low cramping; and extreme mood swings.

Example: I started crying in Ikea yesterday when S. suggested that I should probably go try to use the restroom. What the heck??!! We had to take a detour through some ugly bookshelves until I composed myself.

Then, later that day, I started to have these strange, low low cramps, but according to the fertility monitor that morning, I was still on "low" fertility. Odd. (I still have them, by the way.)

And then..oh yes, and then...I went into the bathroom later on that day to find...ewfm. I was all, seriously, body? Are you really doing this to me when my sperm isn't even going to be in the same time zone as me until Tuesday??!!

So, I peed on an OPK. Nothing. It totally corroborated the evidence from my monitor that morning. I was so sure this morning I would either move up to medium or get a peak reading, but it was still LOW!!! LOW!!

What is going on? Is this going to be the one month my body doesn't follow the pattern? Go figure. Go freaking figure.

Wait, I said I wasn't going to freak out, so I'm going to go make myself some hot chocolate, enjoy the Golden Globes, and not thing about what my body is doing wrong or right.

Feelin' Groovy

Well, I think I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for whatever comes. We picked a new donor, arranged to work with our midwives who delivered Theo to do insems for at least a couple of months, and ordered said specimen to arrive next week for the big day. My monitor seems to be working, and there's a fresh box of OPKs under the sink.

I kind of can't wait to start, because I just have a feeling this may be a long trip ahead. But who knows? With no indication of whether I'm fertile or not, anything goes.

I feel relaxed, which is very uncharacteristic of me. Does this mean that something is WRONG already??

::Cue freak-out::

Just kidding. You will certainly know when freak-out time has arrived. For now, enjoy the silence.

Wasn't Expecting That One!

We met with our R.E. yesterday to talk about our next steps, whether she thought I needed to be tested because we failed with our 2 FETs, and how insems would work at their clinic. (It's been quite a long time since we've been there for that and we honestly couldn't remember.) Looking over my chart, she noted again the 5 cm cyst I have on my left ovary and thought there was a possibility that I had endometriosis.

Come again?! Okay, this cyst has been sitting on my ovary for years now, and no one has ever mentioned the "E" word before. And when one is about to embark on an unknown journey into conception with donor sperm, that's about the last thing she wants to hear.

She described other symptoms of endometriosis and it was like running down a checklist of my cycles. Cramping before period but after ovulation: yup. Cramping after period is through: yup. Occasional spotting after period is over: yup.

Oh crap.

A large boulder has started to form inside my stomach. However, at this point we have absolutely no clue how or even if potential endo. will interfere with conception. We haven't even tried my eggs yet, remember?? But she was noticing from past ultrasounds that most of my follicles end up growing on my right ovary, not my left.

Clomid, anyone?

For now, we decided that we're actually going to do a couple of natural cycles using the monitor, OPKs and our midwife's office instead of the R.E. It's more low-key and probably cheaper for us in the long run to try it this way. And hey, we'll see what happens. If I do have endo, it's probably a mild case, as it only causes me slight discomfort if any, my tubes are clear, and the cyst hasn't grown significantly (at least not yet, anyway). She offered laproscopy as a possibility to remove the cyst, but that just sounds too scary right now.

So, we're gearing up for our first insem, my first ever IUI, in a couple of weeks with the midwife. A new donor. A new kind of insemination for me. A shot for my eggs to cooperate. And, of course, a shot at a new baby.

Whoa.

--cd

Mystery Word

Theo has a mystery word. He's been uttering a word that sounds like "pie" for several days now. I suppose it could be pie, but the way he says it, it's more like, "piiiiiiiiiiie, piiiiiiiiiie."

He's not necessarily pointing at anything when he says it either. Hmmm...

Burgeoning language skills are fun - and mysterious.

Highs/Lows

So, I've been told several times in the last 24 hours that it is not, in fact, the turn of the decade. Who cares. It feels like it, so that's what I'm believing in.

At the very least, I will indulge in more reminiscing by reviewing the highs and lows of 2009, to put them behind me in anticipation of the New Year and hopeful Good New Stuff in Our Lives.

HIGHLIGHTS (Theo-related stuff):

Seeing Theo turn 1. Holy crap. My kid went from an infant to a baby-toddler who walks, talks, and feeds himself.



Beaching it up in RI.



Stumbling around the yard during our gorgeous New England fall.



Experiencing the wonder and joy of Christmas.



Additional highs: us becoming a "Mac" (sorta) family with the purchase of a M@cBook and a Touch (yes this is exciting, dammit!); family beach vacation; S. feeling like a seriously rocking teacher; an actual brand new, purchased appliance in the form of a new washer/dryer pair, making us feel oh-so grown up.

LOWLIGHTS:

Yes, there are always lowlights. This year was particularly hard on our family, as we lost S.'s grandmother, my grandfather, and our family dog, Ringo in about a 4-month span of time. The holidays this year were especially tough as we felt the absence of their presences at our holiday tables (and under it, in Ringo's case).

Ringo nuzzling a 3-month-old Theo


We thought were were ready for a new dog, but when we went to look at some shelter dogs, we realized that, while our hearts went out to these homeless animals, they weren't ready to be opened wide all the way to be let in. The space is still occupied. I think we also realized that at Theo's age, a new pet is probably not idea. When Theo turns 4 or 5, and he can be involved in all the day-to-day parts of having a new dog, it will be time. Other lowlights: being pregnant for like, a week, then being not-not-not pregnant and my body having to deal with the consequences of that. We are reading to head into the next year with our hearts and my body fully invested in taking ttc seriously as we try to give Theo a sibling.

I already wished you all warmest New Year's wishes, but once again, may you eat well, love well, and be well in 2010.

Insane Decade

I've been thinking back a lot on the past 10 years. I went from a 20-year-old college student to a 30-year-old mother with a wife, house, and steady job. For ha-has, here's a list of random assorted facts, figures and events from the past 10 years.

In the last 10 years, I went from: age 20 to age 30.

I lived in: 2 dormitories, 5 apartments, and 1 house in 2 different countries and 2 different states with a total of 13 different roommates

For school, I: graduated college and then, 3 years or so later, from grad school

Had: 3 different jobs and 2 different careers

Dated: really only a handful of people, one of whom I'm married to now

Gained: 10-15 pounds

Saw: the Twin Towers in flames down the street, the first Black president, the birth of my son, the legalization of gay marriage in many places, and myself commit to someone forever

There's a whole lot more that happened, obviously, but those are some of the major events of my whirlwind decade. Most of those things happened within the first 5 years of the last decade, with the past 4 years being incredibly steady and the same (except for that whole wife giving birth thing). What a strange transformation 20 to 30 is! I'm mostly happy to be putting the tumult of my early 20's behind me for good and looking forward to what 30 plus has in store.

May your New Year's Eves be special and meaningful--even if it's just you hanging around the house with those you love most. That's what I'll be doing tonight-thankfully and blessedly ringing in the next 10 years of insanity.