Am I dead inside yet?

Try #14 and my first IVF cycle began last night with my first shot of Lupron. The IVF protocol that I am on (maybe all IVF protocols? - I'm not a master at this yet) takes two cycles to perform. So, I take Lupron from ovulation until my period. Then, I start stims and continue Lupron until egg retrieval. I'm in the first stage - in which I am sending myself into menopause, killing anything natural that may be going on so the RE has a clean slate to start with - no follicles, no eggs, no natural ovulation. This sounds so horrible. So...not...natural.

Let's recap what led me to this:
3 IUI's in NYC with OB/GYN
3 ICI's at home with C.
4 IUI's with Clomid in MA with RE
3 IUI's with Injectibles with RE

I hope this is the magic answer.

On another note, I went to a new ob/gyn yesterday. My feet have been in stirrups for a year and a half. Funnily enough, I have not had an annual exam and pap smear. oops. And the RE's office doesn't do it. So I took their recommendation and went to the place they have a relationship with. It's a very popular practice - big and busy, but people love it. The doctor was great, I could see myself using her, but my apt. was an hour and a half late. When I went to book next years exam they didn't have anything available until December 08 and that wasn't even after school hours. I did like her but...is it worth it? They are popular for a reason, right? Why do I feel like I'll be sacrificing something? Am I just used to the small coziness of my RE? And remember, with any luck, I may be using this practice in pregnancy and delivery. It was nice to be able to grill her about their pregnancy and delivery practices (one of the five will deliver you at either of the local hospitals). Thoughts?

Loving Fall

Reflection of the Bridge of Flowers

Fall is my absolute favorite season, and of course I'm totally prejudiced against the Northeast having, hands down, the best fall everything, ever--foliage, scenery, food, views, drives--and we got a chance to get out and do some of those things today with S.'s parents. We drove to Shelburne Falls, home of both Bill Cosby and the famed Bridge of Flowers (so much for such a little town!). We took a walk, had a nosh, and enjoyed the amazing views from the road on the way out there--the leaves are just starting to turn the mountainsides beautiful variegated colors. Good stuff!

Bridge of Flowers, Shelburne Falls, MA

So, that is a lot of medicine there. And a lot of needles. Here is the cool thing that our IVF nurse taught us about administering the meds, though--we don't have to poke S. with a needle three times a day! We actually mix all of the meds together into one vial, then inject her. Though it's a lot to inject all at once, I feel better knowing S. is getting only one poke a night, all subcutaneously (we're doing the progesterone suppositories again, not the progesterone-in-oil shots). S. and our doc talked and decided on implanting only one embryo, but to take off both transfer day 3 and 5 from work, since we're not sure just yet which one we'll be doing. (Explanation for those thankfully unfamiliar with IVF: the docs can choose to implant an embryo on day 3 or day 5 of its development, depending on what the eggs are doing in the lab.) So, that's a lot of days off of work in one week, but we'll manage. S. has an amazing boss, and though I have yet to tell mine what is going on, I know he'll be cool with it.

And now a huge request/favor for the locals out there--is anyone going to Women's Week in Provincetown this year? We were supposed to go, but our IVF schedule is going to now conflict with our weekend. We already have a room, though, and it's non-refundable. It's $90/night for a room with a double bed, free continental breakfast, sweet little place that's a walk right into downtown. It's for the evening of the 5th, 6th, and 7th of October (Columbus Day Weekend). It's called Dexter's Inn and the website is www.dextersinn.com

Any takers??? Let us know--we'll give you all the info if you're interested. Also, for more information on Women's Week, check out www.womeninnkeepers.com.
There's a whole schedule there to be found.

War on My Ovaries

We now own a small arsenal of IVF- related supplies and medicines. Okay, the arsenal is not that small. This is scary. Tomorrow I'm going to count the needles.

the cutest kind of torture

I love to torture myself apparently.

We went down to NYC this past weekend to do some visiting, stay with some of our closest friends, take in the 'fresh' cool air as we walked from the West Village to the East Village, and eat soup dumplings in Chinatown. We also went to meet babies. Two new babies. I was prepared, I wasn't surprised, I recognized the feelings of desperation - but I knew I had to do it. I AM an adult after all and that's what adults do. Meet, smile, coo and bounce the new babies of friends. ugh. It was hard. Both babies were from friends my own age, who started trying after we did. We've been lapped in pregnancy, birth and now into mommyhood and we're not even out of the fucking starting gate. And now we're headed to the last resort. That last negative hpt killed me. I have to admit, I had to leave the "shower" to get myself together, clear my head, stop the tears, and smoke a cigarette. Pathetic, right? I still have a pit of sadness in my stomach.

I love my friends, I wish them both happy sleepy darling healthy babies. This will get easier, right? S., my friend, is a reader - please don't be offended, upset or worried. This is MY issue to get over. I do love my friends, just not their babies. Joking. mostly.

Thank you, Doctor

After going through our "fuck, fuck and double fuck" phase after finding out we weren't pregnant, we calmed down and got ready to yell at one of our fertility nurses to make our doctor call us so we can get our IVF protocol. It worked. Miraculously, our doctor called S. with everything she's going to need to take and everything she needs to do. In the meantime. we're headed to the clinic for the drug protocol class and a meeting with the doctor in person. We are feeling apprehensive, but good. By the way, it's a luteal/Lupr*n protocol--if anyone knows anything about it, advice and info would be great.

You know, S. has quite a way with words. Once, in Hawaii, we were saying goodnight to a random stranger in an elevator and instead of saying "goodnight!" and giving the "shaka" sign with her hands (you know--hang ten with you thumb and pinky hanging out), S. said "nigh-night!" and made the "I love you" in sign language sign. Yeah. So after she was done talking to our doctor about her protocol, S. goes--"Thank you, Doctor." Like she was on some cheesy 70's soap opera or on Gener*l Hospital or something. Or--a porno set in a doctor's office. Yeah.

A big FUCKING no. Another one. FUCK. Who was the friend who talked me into staying positive and really believing it could happen this time? Well, FUCK them. I'd rather be more pessimistic and then maybe it wouldn't hurt this much. Onto FUCKING IVF - I never thought I'd be here.

Only the truly cheesy survive

As S. would say, it's time to "buck up" and get ourselves back on track. 2 days until testing--I am so super-nervous this time. I feel like so much is riding on this tww. At least we both have school to occupy us. We're both back at work, as school is going in full-swing now. I decided I should take this rare moment of repose to reflect back on our awesome summer vacation. Here are some memories of my summer vacation: Alaska, gardening, that first summer garden tomato, building a brick patio in the backyard, James Taylor at Tanglewood, the beach on RI, and..sleeping in!!

Okay, that all made me feel better. I have been feeling totally guilty for my bratty post where I said I didn't want to blog anymore. Who the hell else knows what I'm feeling and can actually commiserate with me when I feel like shit because we're not pregnant again this month?? You. Who is happy when we are, sad when we are, and supports us no matter what? You . I hope you feel we do the same for you...

And as this posts enters the realm of true cheesiness, I think I'll end this right here. Thanks, fellow bloggers, for just being there and reading. Cheers!

Self-pity party

It is becoming unbearable to not be pregnant. I am really hoping we have good news at the end of this tww. Otherwise, I think I'll have to stop blogging, as there are hardly any blogs left on our blogroll who are not either pregnant or already given birth and it's making me totally depressed. We also happen to know a lot of IRL people who are pregnant/new moms. I know this is a completely selfish thought, and I am more than amazingly happy for everyone who I know has been trying as hard as we have to make a baby--and managed to succeed. But it's just hard. I'm tired of waiting, and I want a baby...is this time our time? I really hope so...

And sorry, just another side note to mention that I really am so happy for all the BFPs around here lately. I hope all your good baby karma rubs off on us!