Monday, September 17, 2007

the cutest kind of torture

I love to torture myself apparently.

We went down to NYC this past weekend to do some visiting, stay with some of our closest friends, take in the 'fresh' cool air as we walked from the West Village to the East Village, and eat soup dumplings in Chinatown. We also went to meet babies. Two new babies. I was prepared, I wasn't surprised, I recognized the feelings of desperation - but I knew I had to do it. I AM an adult after all and that's what adults do. Meet, smile, coo and bounce the new babies of friends. ugh. It was hard. Both babies were from friends my own age, who started trying after we did. We've been lapped in pregnancy, birth and now into mommyhood and we're not even out of the fucking starting gate. And now we're headed to the last resort. That last negative hpt killed me. I have to admit, I had to leave the "shower" to get myself together, clear my head, stop the tears, and smoke a cigarette. Pathetic, right? I still have a pit of sadness in my stomach.

I love my friends, I wish them both happy sleepy darling healthy babies. This will get easier, right? S., my friend, is a reader - please don't be offended, upset or worried. This is MY issue to get over. I do love my friends, just not their babies. Joking. mostly.


5 comments:

Lo said...

Oh, I hear you. I am so sorry it's so damn hard.

A said...

Totally understand - the feeling plus the guilt of feeling it is enough to drive you insane. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. :-)

tbean said...

You should be proud of your ability to even go there and support your friends at all. Many would not have been that strong or that committed to their friends after what you've been through. I hold a vision for you on the other side of this one day.

Faith said...

I feel like I'm surrounded by unlikely pregnancies - and there's one in particular that blows my mind. And then there are the nearly constant comments along the lines of 'When will we hear the pitter-patter of little feet?' Like I'm not wondering the same exact thing!

Sara I said...

I'm not offended. I was really happy to see both you and Chrissy, but I totally understand why it would be difficult for you. If it makes you feel any better, I feel guilty that I was pregnant before you. I always thought I would be asking you for advice. However, when you have your baby, and yes, you will have a baby, I will come and help you cook, do your laundry, take Ringo for walks and entertain Luna.