Crazed, but not fertility-crazed

I've been letting C. handle all our blogging duties, I've been slacking. But, to stick up for myself, I have created some beautiful gardens, unpacked our house, and found a job in the last several weeks! Yeah for NOT going bankrupt. But....school starts tomorrow! :(
It's been strange taking a cycle out and really cleansing myself of the insane fertility-crazed person I was becoming. I took a month to regain control. No temping, no charting. And here I am again, in control and ready for my period to show her ugly face. It's funny, when you want the bitch to come, it seems to take forever. We've got all our props ready and we will be taking the following measures to help reach our goal: use a fertility monitor, take temps and charting, use the speculum to watch my cervix and fluid change, use OPK's, take fertility-enhancing vitamins, and keep hoping. Oh yeah, we're doing it at home. C. as doctor will do an IVI with the frozen swimmers.

I'll be sure to let you know when the fertilicoaster begins its next ride!

We're off to see the cervix...

Looks like we're a go for cervix gazing--all of our props have arrived, including the fertility monitor. I'm hoping to get a look at S.'s cervix before AF comes to be familiar with the before, during, after positions.

In the meantime, S. got a job (hooray!) in 1st grade, just a few minutes down the street, while I am feeling drained and pooped already from my new job, which I've only been at for 3 days. There are rainbow "safe space" stickers everywhere you look on classroom doors in this school--it's really refreshing to see. And in a sexual harassment mini-course we took, the health educator actually refers to name-calling like "gay," "homo," "fag," or "dyke" as sexual harassment. I love it!

Dirty, Pervy Purchases (to some people!)

If any normal person were to see what S. and I purchased over the past few days, he or she would probably be wicked grossed out. We decided to get serious about doing a home insem, so in preparation we've just bought a fertility monitor (these things sell like hot cakes on e-bay--it's a vicious auction to buy one of these babies) and a metal speculum from a medical supply store on-line. Luckily we found that site, because the only other sites that S. found selling speculums were ones involving pee play. Um, eww.

I guess now we have to decide whether we're going to go all the way with the IUI at home or just do an IVI--I'm not sure. Seeing how neither of us can find S.'s cervix, I think we might have some trouble. So I'm hoping that speculum will arrive any day now! We found some great instructions on-line for how to use it, in case it wasn't self-explanatory enough, through the Feminist Health Center in Chico, CA. They also sell speculums on-line and self-examination kits. Very cool!

Under the Stars

It usually hits us that we live somewhere amazing not when we're hanging around the house cleaning or gardening, but when we drive somewhere nearby that many others travel from around to country to see. Last night, we drove over to Tanglewood in Lenox, MA (less than an hour away) to see James Taylor. We had lawn seats, so we were among the many hundreds of those who set up chairs on the lawn, packed a nice picnic dinner, and just hung out. The best thing about this is that it's totally BYOB and food--so you can bring beer, wine, whatever you want, and sit out under the stars in the mountain-fresh air listening to some of the world's greatest musicians. Tanglewood is the Boston Symphony Orchestra's summer home in the Berkshires, but Taylor lives in the area and occasionally they will have more mainstream performers there. If you think he has an amazing voice when you hear him on the radio, you need to see him live. I seriously started crying when I heard him sing--his voice is just so perfect, mellow, sweet, and gives you that warm, squishy feeling inside.

To home or not to home? (This is the very serious question)

So I can't find S.'s freaking cervix. Either my fingers are too short or I'm too squeamish. You should see the drawing they have in this book we're reading, with a woman squatting and practically pinching her cervix with her thumb and forefinger. It's crazy and still sort of weirdly gross, I think. Am I crazy, or did they not teach you this in sex ed class?

We've been doing a lot of contemplating on home v. docs office insems. S. has been producing more fertile mucus this cycle than in months--months! And you know why (or at least why I think why)? No freaking drugs. I feel like I'm sort of mirroring Marta & Eileen'sdilemma of home vs. doc insems. right now, and how we've been fucking up our bodies with drugs because---why not? We're paying a primo price for the privilege of being parents, so why not do what the doctors and r.e.s say is the "right" way to go about it? What were we thinking--there isn't just one way to conceive a child, and as a lesbian trying to have kids, who feels empowered enough to do so, I should really be ashamed of myself for doing it this way. Part of why S. and I started this blog was to feel empowered about making the right decisions about conception, but I feel like we've only listened to the doctors. That doesn't mean I didn't love Dr. K--I did, we both did--but I think this month off has really given us a chance to think seriously about taking control of this situation-for better or worse.

Leaky doughnut, anyone?

S. bought a great book at B&N called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am like a 12-year-old boy when it comes to these kinds of books--I go "eewwwwww!" and "uhhggggh!" at the very graphic pictures, while S. says, "it's not gross!" I know she's right, but you should see this picture they have of an open cervix with cervical mucus coming out of it. "It looks like a doughnut!" I believe was my initial reaction. Gross.

But then it got us thinking (well, S. thinking)--why can't we cervix gaze? Why can't we actually do an insemination ourselves, at home? It will be at least a month until we meet with a r.e. and commence with insemination, but duh---you can do it yourself! So that meant we really didn't even need a month off-but I'm glad took one. Maybe next time around it will be d.i.y-which I think is pretty cool and exciting and will really help center ourselves and our bodies. I think now I have to go do some more exploration of the leaky doughnut...

One matching baby, please!

This weekend we did some shopping, which we are very good at. We bought this adorable rug on sale at the Bon-Ton, which is a kind of weird store, but when they have good sales, you can get great stuff. And since we have an entire home to furnish, we like home sales. So this rug is a little lion's head, and it's soft and little and round, and we placed it in our potential nursery where a potential crib may go. Mind you, this is literally the only thing in the room--one lion rug. It's like we've set this room aside already for baby stuff and nothing can be stored in it. The drawers are empty (and there are a lot of them, built in). Nothing is on the wall. No bedding is there. It's just like--waiting. So, I'd really like a baby to match with my room, please, because I don't feel like buying anymore furniture unless it's a crib. Or anymore towels unless they're little and soft. Or anymore clothes unless they only fit on my right foot. (Okay, I could use some new school clothes.) It's funny what your mind does ahead of your body--we clearly have no child yet to put in the room, but we are just so sure that one day, soon, there will be a tiny warm body to put in there that we just want to put it aside-just in case!

And in a shameless plug, I started another blog where we'll be talking about house stuff only--it's not really appropriate to write about it here (unless it's about the phantom nursery), plus I do a lot of really stupid stuff that could potentially be very amusing. So, check it out here!

DSL and HMOs

Well, we're running off the good old DSL now. I feel totally guilty because we told the lady at town hall we'd be purchasing town internet, but it's not going to be ready until like, December, and a girl just can't wait that long. So here we are, back with Verizon. A calm has descended over me since I hooked it up yesterday. Sick, I know.

I've been thinking a lot about insurance since we've moved up here. I really don't know what my new insurance will and will not cover. We were lucky enough last time that Dr. K. charged us for nothing, and all we payed for was our sperm. But here in MA, we're legally married, so does that mean insurance has to pay for our infertility "problem"? I think IVF is covered by law in MA, which is really cool, but what about all the other procedures that we'll now probably be charged for? I'm worried that even though we have more rights and are legally married here, we're going to feel like reproducing is putting a bigger strain on our savings account.

RE and PCP adventures

We're up in Maine visiting some family friends and maxin' and relaxin' (again). Nothing too exicting to report. We found a cool new fertility book at a bookstore here, but of course we're so cheap we're waiting until we get home to buy it at Barnes and Noble, where S. has a gift card. Anyway, I am looking forward to reading more about it. We're also seriously considering acupuncture. Any thoughts on this from anyone who's done it?

We made the hard decision to go with a local HMO for my health insurance. It looks like they have a good array of R.E.s to choose from. The only problem is that you have to visit your primary care physician first, which is really, really annoying. But all part of the process, right? I have faith that the r.e. we've already chosen out of the provider book will be good. He's affiliated with Baystate Hospital in Springfield, which is known for its birthing center and pre/postnatal care. So! I think this is something to feel excited about. Now if only we could get our drs appointments before, you know, October, we could start this thing again...

ugh

Yup, I've been avoiding you. While C. seems to post about random inane topics du jour, I just turn away. And it really has taken me an entire week to unwind. I have been disapointed, angry and very, very sad. I can't express the extraordinary sadness that overcomes me when I find that we spent a whole month planning and waiting for no reason. I think this one was so much more difficult because we have so much new going on - and it's going to be *so much harder* to transition to new insurance and a new doctor, once we find one. And who knows how long that will take? I know it's a good thing for my mental stability to take August off, but I have to admit, I don't really want to. It's going to be quite the effort to start up again. I haven't even been tracking my period or temps this month. While it's quite a relief, I feel a bit guilty. I have no time to waste - my clock is ticking. I just hope it's not ticked out....

Mostly, I just really hate not getting my way. -sp

Fun City, Bad Cable

Just when we're thinking, what the heck are we doing with this house in the country, we get to go to Northampton for the day and all our doubts melt away. After a tussle with the lawnmower (again), we spent the afternoon in Northampton shopping their massive sidewalk sales with S.'s cousin and her totally freakin' adorable new baby. He never fusses or cries, so of course we have this warped view of what having an infant is going to be like. Regardless, we enjoyed a lovely Noho afternoon with good food and company. Any lesbian who hasn't yet made a pilgramage to the lesbian capital of the Northeast must go! Small city with a lot of character, interesting people, liberal politics, and amazing food. It's where S. and I picture raising our children and attending lesbian parenting support groups (yes, I daydream about attending lesbian parenting support groups!).

In the meantime, our municipal cable company doesn't carry Bravo or the WB, so we can't watch "Project Runway" and then in the fall we can't watch...wait, I can't say it...."Gilmore Girls." (Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!) I just don't know what to do. No "Gilmore Girls?" With such a cliffhanger at the end of last season??!! Looks like I'm heading up to my in-laws every Tuesday night!
--cd

Dial Up is Just...

So as you may have guessed, S.'s re-test results were negative. She ended up spotting later the same day as the second test. Of course, we didn't know for sure sure until today--when we called the office. They had no record of the blood test, so it took some detective work, but a nice lady in the office kindly informed up that the test was indeed negative. We're "taking August off," so don't ask me what I'm going to talk about on the blog for the next month, but it will probably involve the hassles of new home ownership and the hunt for a new doctor, which we are not looking forward to. How could anyone compare with Dr. K (even if he didn't manage to knock S. up)?

I'm about to break down and order DSL because dial-up is just...well...it's just not cutting it for me. Do you notice the lack of posts? It's because of the fear of facing how long it takes for me to boot up the computer and log on. Luckily I've been parked in front of the TV so it sort of distracts me from how incredibly painful this is (the dial-up, I mean!). -- cd

Stay Away From Me, Spam!

I am so annoyed right now. So, first off, we're still on vacation in NH and drove all the way to Concord to Quest to get our BHCG test yesterday. Dr. K. called today with the results---"borderline." I guess S.'s levels are a 6, and since 5 is negative, 6 is a little low to be an actual positive. This makes us want to cry. We have to go back to Concord today for another test, and we won't find out until tomorrow morning. By the way, Dr. K. is going to Greece for the next several weeks, starting tomorrow, so don't ask me how we're going to find out the results.

Secondly, we just found out we have COMMENT SPAM! What is up with this?! We were all excited that people were reading our blog, and then we find out that it's someone from a mortgage company and an on-line poker forum. How inappropriate! It's not like we have a gaming blog, or even a house blog. Does anyone else have this problem? And how do you get rid of it?

We're trying to salvage our day by going over to Concord shortly and then climbing a mountain and canoeing/kayaking in the lake later on. Hopefully this will accomplish our vacation goals of being relaxed and being pregnant.
--cd

R&R

Everything went smoothly, we are all moved in and have begun the unpacking process. Which I think is pretty fun. It's so nice to be home. Now, we're headed out for a few days of rest and relaxation! We need it! We should have some news by the time we return home.
-sp

Who could ask for anything more?

When S. moved to NY 4 years ago, she didn't want to come here. She moved because she needed a change, needed to get out of Western Mass, and needed to be near me--and I refused to leave NYC after only being here a year. We didn't live together for a year after she moved--it was just too much, too fast for me to not only be in a serious relationship and in-love, but to be with a woman to boot! And when I helped move her from her apt. in Western Mass. to her apt. in Westchester, she said to me in the U-Haul, "I can't wait until next year when we're riding this U-Haul in the opposite direction, with you driving because I'm pregnant!" Well, I thought I just might choke when she said that!

Luckily it all worked out, and hopefully what she said 4 years ago will come true 4 years later--that we'll be riding (albeit in my Jeep, as we're in a position to actually hire movers this time!) heading in the opposite direction, me driving, S. pregnant. If you asked me 5 years ago when I moved to Brooklyn what my life would be like 5 years in the future, this isn't likely what I would have said. But for all the weird twists and turns my life has taken, all the demons I've faced and have faced me, I couldn't trade tomorrow--me driving back North to a house I've poured sweat, blood, and love into, with my baby, my doggy, and hopefully my baby's baby--for anything more.
--cd

Halftime report

I am 7 days past ovulation (dpo), which means I'm halfway through the terrible two-week-wait (tww). It hasn't been too terrible, though I know the second half is always WAY worse than the first. Now begins the desperate search for implantation/pregnancy signs. I've poked my boobs so many times today that they are sore - just from the poking. It's dangerous to get my hopes up because, really, I have to attribute the normal pregger signs to the progesterone I am taking to help lengthen my luteal phase. I won't even get my period until after I stop taking them, so I truly have to wait for the test results next week.
So here we are waiting. Waiting...and moving two states away into our first house, and going to a wedding, and going on vacation. You'd think all this would distract me and make the time pass relatively quickly, but no. -sp

"Dirty Little Word"

It's just too friggin' hot to do much. However, we worked our butts off aaaall weekend trying to get the shackhole in order for our move on Wednesday. Accordingly, we didn't let S. touch anything that might be mildly toxic and impede implantation, including staining, painting, heavy lifting, and cleaning (except vacuuming-she's a champ at that!). I think her mother thought we were being a little stupid and overly-cautious, but at $500 a pop, I think we can afford to slow down and be a little careful!

Looks like we'll be in New Hampshire when we're supposed to do our 2-week test, so I don't know what we'll be doing about that. I guess a home pregnancy test, but that makes me nervous, plus we'll be at our friends' family lake house. Wouldn't it be swell if they saw the pregnancy test in the trash and thought it was our friends'! So, we have to find a hospital or a lab or something and get that squared away. Also, we found out this weekend that our town doesn't have their high-speed internet up and running so we may have to use (choke, cough, gasp) dial-up for a little bit. I think we'll spring for the Verizon DSL. Isn't it funny how "dial-up" is such a dirty little word now?

Nurture v. Frizz

My hair is just a frizzmongo mess today. You see, I have very curly hair, and during most of the summer it's like a halo, standing at least an inch above my skull. In the winter it's dry and brittle. And why did we choose a donor with curly hair? I dunno. I am very attached to my stubborn and annoying curls because I see them as some sort of reflection of my personality. Rebellious but somewhat classy if you manage to tame them with enough gel and conditioner. So I am hoping my child will have these same qualities, though his or her hair. He or she will have S.'s stubborness, practicality, and mechanical sense, and hopefully, since we did purposefully seek out a donor with curls, my hair. That's all that really matters is the hair. Hopefully, he or she will not have my sense of balance or my common sense, which are practically non-existent.

I am a firm believer in nurture - I have to be, since biologically, the first child won't be of my mettle. I can only hope my abrasive personality and bad hair rub off on the kid.

Check it out!

OK ttc'ers. I figured it out. Tech-speak does not come to me intuitively, so it took a bit of patience and lots of trial and error. I now have a link to my ovulation chart in the sidebar. Take a look - what do you think? -sp

I'm the cranky one

It's really hot out and I'm cranky-pants. S. hasn't been nearly as cranky as I have, and she's the one with $1,000 worth of sperm inside of her! So, in order to make myself feel better, I'm posting my wish list. These are all the things I want to happen instantaneously, and I'll feel just great when I get my way!

I want...

my mortgage to be all squared away; my car to get better gas mileage; my cat to not be sick; my dog to walk himself; my apartment to pack itself; the movers to charge less than their estimate; me to not be so sweaty; the humidity to go away; my house to be complete; my father to wake up tomorrow and decide that he's been an asshole for the past 5 years and he's really, really sorry; my grandmother to feel better; my grandfather to not be so old and cranky.

And though it's not at the top of the list, it is of course at the top of my thoughts: for S. to be PREGNANT! At last! Please! I don't know who I'm pleading with because I don't make bargains with god anymore, so if there's some sort of pregnancy spirit out there, it would be really swell of you to pay us a visit.

I do have a lot of hope this cycle, though. Besides the 2 insems, it was a full moon last night, S.'s egg was really, really large and ready to drop, and we switched to sperm that has already achieved pregnancy. So--all these things make me happy and not nervous for our tww. Just hoping my crankiness dies down a bit.

--CD