A just-fine mama

Well, I found out today what it's going to be like to be the second-parent of a child I didn't give birth to--exactly like he or she is my own.

When I moved in with S., she had a cute little cat named Luna. Well, this cute little cat was not my style. I hated cats, but I loved S., so I grew to like Luna and I think Luna grew to reasonably like, or at least tolerate, me. Today, Luna was nowhere to be found. S. looked up and down, in every closet, crevice, or box we could think of, but still no Luna. S. grew teary while a lump began to form in my stomach. I couldn't bear the thought of S. being so unhappy that this cat, which she raised from a kitten, might be gone. Moreso, I couldn't stand losing her, either! I realized I had grown to love her just like she was my own, raised from a kitten as if I were a cat lover. Consequently, I have learned to like cats, and I especially love this one and realized that even though I didn't raise her, she is still mine. And I have the same feelings and love and responsibilities for her that S. does.

Not to worry--Luna reappeared early this evening in the apartment on the 2nd floor that's being renovated. When she slipped out, she apparently slipped in there and slept all day with the workers. Edison, our super, found her, saw our note we posted on the front door, and contacted up right away. Thanks, Edison and Luna, for allowing me to realize I'll be a just-fine mama when S. has our baby.
--cd

reflecting

The emotional toll is the hardest. I had convinced myself we were headed for a positive result. My body and my mind were convinced. It's crushing. My first reaction was...I can't go through this again. In the moment, it seems impossible. So, for a few days I just couldn't talk about it. I had to gain perspective. C. called the Dr., she told our friends...and slowly I came to grips. I think I'm most scared because this is probably our last time with the beloved Dr. K. We're moving...insurance is changing...time is out. We're starting a new chapter that I'm looking forward to but it also makes for a stressful month. Luckily, I am out of school for real and can head off any potential stress by starting packing today.

I also feel a bit of guilt. I used stain and floor sealer last weekend right during the time of implantation. I wasn't thinking. Here I have quit smoking, quit caffeine, quit aspartame and didn't think about the materials I was using. I think that might have had something to do with it. No home improvement chems for me this month.

I guess I'll never find out "the reason" - but can do my best to make a happy healthy stress-free environment. C. is NOT allowed to be snippy with me - AT ALL. EVER. good rule.

No Fun in Babymaking Land

Unfortunately, AF came knocking on our door on Thursday. We sort of knew that, as our first pregnancy test came out negative, but it was still early. But we went for the blood test Friday anyway just to double-check. We still don't know for sure sure, but a girl knows, and S. is sure she's not pregnant. We're disappointed. I definitely felt this kind of, like, empty void feeling this time around that I didn't get so strongly the last time, just because you never, ever expect it to work the first go-around. But this time I was more hopeful than I tend to let myself become.

Dr. K. is willing to do an insemination once more with us before turning us over to the r.e., who will be way more expensive and perhaps less understanding. I'm not looking forward to it, but by that time we will have moved to MA and will have to find a new doctor and start all over again anyway. Sigh. Big disappointment, but we're looking ahead to next cycle. Hey, at least we get more and more informed everytime we do it!
--cd

Opposites attract

See, I totally disagree. I feel like I'm finally allowed to look there hopefully. Today I sat on the floor and read through each box, figuring out which one was best for me. I had read all the reviews of course, because I'm a thorough kind of girl. I splurged on the First Response test with the lines, not the + and -. Not a lick of embarassment. Just annoyance at spending $17.

Today I wore the whitest of white undies, just daring AF to come. I know, sounds silly. The last few days of this wait are the WORST. I mean, the worst.

Pee tests are weird

Can I just tell you how scary and weird it is that we're taking home pregnancy tests now? Actually, the scariest part is buying them. I've been buying the hpts and opks at the Rite Aid by my school. Every time I go in, I have this vision of me, squatted down in front of the pharmacy shelf where they sell the hpks, opks, some lube and condoms, when one of my students comes up behind me. Or worse, checks me out at the register! I can just see it now. The news spreads like wildfire in the halls: "Ms. D.'s pregnant!" Maybe I flatter myself to think they'd even care. Besides, school is out for them unless they're taking the state exams. But still-I feel like I'm risking it every time I go in there.

Is anyone else slightly embarassed by buying these things? I am. Although I was also embarassed to buy myself maxi pads and tampons until about 5 years ago because I was raised to not talk about such things openly. Good thing I went to an all-women's college, where I got over that pretty quickly!

Well, I fell victim to the craze of home pregnancy tests. I've been feeling off, my nipples are killing me, I had implantation spotting, my temperature dipped and then went way back up - all these are the signs of possible pregnancy. So, I just couldn't bear waiting a whole week to find out. I go for a beta (blood test) on Friday, but I simply couldn't wait. C. brought it home for me yesterday and all night long I dreamt of insemination and positive hpt's. I made this deal with myself - if my temperature spiked high, than I would test. And test I did. Nervous as hell, I peed in the cup, spilled it on the floor and acted the part of scientist dropping my 4 drops of piss into the little hole. For five minutes we waited. And.......NOT positive. I refuse to say it was negative, because there is still a chance. I tested early. I'm only 10 days past insem. Too early...and I knew it. I feel like I was tricked by my body. I always planned on just waiting for my period but I couldn't help myself. It's like finding your birthday present and peeking - which we all know, I do. Can't help it! I'm not doing it again tomorrow, it's too much pressure. But...lets see what my chart tells us and maybe again on Thursday or Friday. -sp

If at first you don't succeed...

I've always hated that saying. I really like to get things right the first time and if I don't, I usually quit. It's apparently part of my astrological sign. However, S. is the persistant type, and of course I want this baby to really happen, so we did insem#2. I can't believe it's only been 3 days-it seems like forever, and we still have over a week and a half to find out if S. is really pregnant or not. I'm becoming impatient and short with everyone around me, including S., which I feel really terrible about. It's also getting harder to keep our senses of humor in tact at this point. I know that was the overall goal-besides getting a baby-but the humor in this situation is kind of declining.

One funny thing that did happen during insem#2, though. I had to drive to New Haven, CT and back for a teacher test that morning and was exhausted and hadn't had enough to eat. The second Dr. K. was done with the insem, I thought I was going to puke-it had been painful for S. and hard to watch-and between that and the small, hot room and lack of food, the room started going dark, my ears started ringing, and I felt like I was going to puke. "I am so sorry, but I think I'm going to throw up. Where's the bathroom?" I think I mumbled something along those lines. I dashed to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on my face, breathed deeply, and felt pretty o.k. I was sure S. and Dr. K. were back in the room waiting for me to make hurling sounds. We laughed about it later that night with friends. So, if we can't find trying to get pregnant funny anymore, at least we can laugh at the partner who almost puked!

to try #2

It did get better. I thought we were on target. The OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) and my temps looked good. We checked my follicles and at 18.9, Dr. K gave me the trigger shot of HCG and 24 hours later, on Saturday night, we did the insem. It was actually REALLY painful this time. But there we were, in an abandoned hospital warming sperm up in a coffee mug, debating granite vs. laminate and hopefully and happily taking part in our second IUI. Then I went home to a delicious homeade dinner with the greatest friends who didn't seem to mind that my ass was in the air all night. Top it off with a full moon.
I'm trying to keep hope. My temperature never spiked, which it does the day after you ovulate. So...I'm discouraged. And stressed - both of which don't help with the pregnancy picture. Today, I got two job rejections and my tire fell off on the highway today ($500 later...I guess we're going with ugly laminate!).
Here were are in the tww (two week wait)...all your hopes...please.
-sp

Well, obviously...

Obviously we will be giving birth to the devil baby, if at all, because today was the day from hell, as SP so elequently put it with her cursing post there. You know, I don't understand why stupid people exist in this world. Really. Is there a purpose for them? Well, obviously it's to screw up FedEx shipments. I mean, seriously--how dumb can you be when you decide to put a 22-pound box that says FRAGILE and KEEP UPRIGHT on every single side sideways all day long? C'mon!!!!! This isn't rocket science--you work at fucking Fed Ex, it's your job to follow shipping directions.

I might also add that Clomid is probably the new enemy. How dare it make SP ovulate like, days and days and days early! Jeesh! And I thought this was supposed to help us? If Dr.K. is a fertility doc, shouldn't he know that Clomid will make her ovulate earlier, therefore everything should be done earlier? Like, ultrasounds and HcG shots and all of that? I am just sick of having to depend on other people to get this done. If it were up to us, we'd have this over and done with months ago. We're freakin' geniuses compared to all the asses we encountered today. Really!

--a pissed and tired CD

Phew. Just a vent.

fuck. assholes. bitch. shit.

So she jinxed us with her ranting before. Today was the worst...I went in to get my follicles all measured up and they were smaller! Which means they either didn't grow at all and the difference is the machine, or I missed ovulation. fuck. I was even using a predictor kit, and it never showed a positive. It's way too early. How could that happen? fuck. He's going to take one more look in the a.m. and we'll inseminate anyway and just hope for the best.
Then....we went to pick up the little guys and and FedEx had been storing them on their side. It so clearly says that the nitrogen tank must be kept upright. assholes. Big problem! No one wanted to take the blame or apologize so corporate FedEx will get an earful when they talk to me. The lady said that maybe we shouldn't ship big packages to her site. It's FedEx - that's what you DO, people. assholes.
During our time ripping FedEx a new one, we got a parking ticket. bitch.
Then I stepped in cat puke. shit.
-sp

Devil Baby

Do I really feel like conceiving the week of 666? Well, I'll take it, even if it means we'll give birth to Damian. To celebrate 666, one of the gangs at school decided to start a mass-fight during 6th period. So clever, those gangs are. Ugh.

I have become obsessed with the timing of this next insemination. Pick up baby daddy tomorrow. Take HcG shot tomorrow. Inseminate---when? That's the trick. Last time, we figured out we really did it too early. But if we wait later, we'll be inseminating at like, 11:00 at night or something, and I don't know if Dr. K. will be that cool about letting us in after-hours. If that's the case, I wonder if we should just skip the HcG shot and rely solely on the LH surge and OPK. (Wow, I'm really getting the lingo down now!) But---will that still give me the assurance we'll conceive our devil baby? I just don't know! This is why I don't gambe, except at the quarter slots.

--CD (at the request of Laura,
I'll sign my posts)

number one, number one

first option...lots and lots of the first option...
and then maybe a little of the third!

Wild Yams, Strawberries, and Conceiving

Hey! We have an archive now! That is beyond exciting. So I am contemplating how to make this cycle better than the last one. These are some thoughts I've been having. Let me know if you've tried any of these and they actually have worked:

• Having lots and lots (and lots and lots) of sex to trick S.'s body into thinking it's receiving sperm and about to procreate. Isn't that why people oppose same-sex marriage? Because our sexual encounters are base and have nothing to give to society, like more people?
• Using progesterone cream after S. has ovulated. I guess it's actually derived from wild yams or something. I am just intrigued by the fact that wild yam cream can somehow thicken S.'s uterine wall by simply smearing it inside her legs and on her stomach.
• Eating more dark vegetables & fruits. I've provided for dinner this evening green curry with tofu and lots of dark green veggies. S. may have strawberries for dessert, because they're dark red, and then maybe some chocolate sorbet because, you know, that's dark, too. And sort of a vegetable. (Hey, it's from a freaking plant, isn't it?!)

That's all I can think of trying right now. All further suggestions are more than welcome.