Rain on our (follicle) parade

This weekend was kind of a wash-out--rain, rain, and more rain. There went our grand plans for finishing up our garden boxes. At any rate, we had another u/s on Saturday morning, bright and early, only we got some sort of unexpected news--one of S.'s big follicles fizzled out and away, while we had about 3 mildly juicy one. I thought, hey, okay, 3 follicles actually maturing this far--this is good.

S. thought otherwise. I didn't realized until we were done that S. was crying on the table, and then I said something insensitive to our Dr. - "She was expecting to have about 50 mature eggs." Or, I realized later it was insensitive. When I think about it, okay, we're spending $600 a month on this new medicine, for what? Results that are only a step above what we had on Clomid, for the most part. So what's the point? What's the big, grand, expensive point??

I really think that the fact that we have more than ONE follicle is good, and Clomid did not give us that. Her estrogen levels are growing nicely and her uterine lining is good. All this is GOOD. BAD for S., though. I think she had mega-high expectations going into this cycle that fell a bit short. And, when you're pumped up with massive amounts of hormones, this can sort of set you off.

I feel sad for S. I feel sad for me. I feel sad that ttc'ing is not joyous as it is with most straight couples (I am imagining--I know it's not the reality, but at least they get to have sex in the process,for the most part). I feel sad that a baby might be conceived in a stressful environment like this. But..I feel hopful that once we get that BFP, it'll all fade and we'll leave this chapter of our lives behind us for good.

How To Tell If Your Wife Is On Injectible Fertility Meds

1. She cries 3 times a day at school, for both happy and sad reasons
2. She bawls you out for accidentally running over the curb pulling out of Dunkin' Donuts in her car, letting you know you can never drive a small car and can only and ever driver a big, clunky truck
3. She swears and kicks at the lawnmower repeatedly
4. It's her birthday, her favorite time of the year, and she isn't interested at all

Can we say these hormones are having some effect on our little S? You betcha! The ultrasound today revealed that she has 3-4 follicles on one ovary and 1 on the other. Kind of disappointing, actually, so we're upping her dosage for the next 3 days. Should be a blast given the weekend's outbursts above. But as long as it works, I can tolerate any of it.

Do you hear that, baby? I love you, outbursts and all! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

--cd

Injectibility

Well, seeing as our last cycle was yet another failure, here we are on to injectible meds. Yes kids, on to the expensive stuff. $50 a dose. There is $600 worth of drugs sitting in my refrigerator as I type. Last night was our first injection, and I actually wasn't nervous at all, and S. took it like a champ. When she got home from school today, I asked if the medication was giving her any strange side effects, to which she replied: "I cried three times." What?! Well, I laughed at her, but I thought it was a good sign because it meant her hormones were really raging around down there.

Then there's this tricky thing about Fifth's disease..I guess one of S.'s student's siblings has it, and her student may have it, but it's one of those things you don't know you have until you have a rash and by then you've already infected the next person. For those of you who don't know, Fifth's disease is kind of like chicken pox and is HIGHLY dangerous to pregnant women. Our real estate agent, in fact, lost her baby when she was 5 months pregnant because her daughter brought it home. How heartbreaking is that? Our nurses at the clininic, however, were remarkably nonchalant about the whole thing, assuming S. is already immune due to her many years working with little kids. We'll find out Sunday, but in the meantime, we're still taking meds with the chance that we may have to stop this cycle if we find out S. is not, in fact, immune. And there will be $200 worth of G*nal F shot into her belly, all for nada.

In happier news, we're going to the first Brimfield Antique Show this weekend and then a birthday party with people we love hanging out with. Yipster!

Happy Bloggiversary!

It's been a year to the day that we have been posting our travels in the land of (in)fertility. Sigh. I miss the naive days when I thought I could do this "naturally", when every twinge was a potential sign of pregnancy, when I treated everyday like the tww, when we gazed at my cervix lovingly and temped every single day, when the drugs were just a small co-pay, when shopping for sperm was silly and exciting. I am exhausted, sad, and really really disapointed. I need to get some of the hope back.

As I sat at my 30th birthday party, drinking seltzer, in my first tww, I remember thinking "at least next year I'll have a baby to celebrate with - or at the very least, I will be pregnant." Here comes 31.

Sorry so low.

Yesterday I had a giant DD caffeinated ice coffee, a 6 pack of Opa-Opa Red Rock Ale, and a half-pack of M*rlboro Ultra Lights. Can you guess what the pee-stick said?

I guess strange stomach feelings are *not* a sign of pregnancy for me. This is never going to happen.

waiting

I've noticed (my research being the million blogs I read) that some women LOVE to pee-on-a-stick and others hold off as long as they can. I am of the latter group. I will wait wait wait and just hold out hope for as long as I can. And that's a long time because the prometrium bullets I'm taking hold off my period - so I have to test. Other women start on 10dpo, testing each day until the positive or until the period comes. I couldn't stand that daily disapointment.

So here I am, 13 dpiui, and I haven't yet tested. And I don't plan on testing tomorrow. I just can't do it and then go to work with young children. Bad for the psyche. Sometime over the weekend, I promise.

-s

Halfway there!

7 dpiui. Halfway home. I'm trying a different approach this time around. I've decided not to talk about it too much - here or in real-life. Keeping this go-around low key.

On another note, the fertility pharmacy we're working with "accidentally" shipped and charged me for next months injectible meds. Oops. Yes, $600 worth of gonal-f is sitting in my refrigerator. Medication I **hopefully** won't need. I've worked it out with the company that I will be able to return it if necessary. Annoying...

But wouldn't that make a great story? How ironic!
-s

Cranky Pant

I can't stop eating nacho chips and I need to go downstairs to cook something REAL to eat. Just a quick update, though...obviously S.'s cramps subsided--but not for about an hour, and she was really out of commission. I heard this was bad--one of the book we've read said that cramping causes unnecessary distress in you uterus, making it less likely to accept sperm. But...then I read a bunch of message boards where women had terrible cramping after an IUI and got pregnant that cycle, so who knows--guess every body is different. The nurses and Babymaking Clinic told her to take some extra-strength Tylenol (which does squat for S. most of the time, but oh well).

That's all...that and S. and I are really aggravating each other. I think we need to get outside--we've been cooped up too long!

Commence IUI #7

The deed is done. It happened this morning. I can't post a long, detailed post because C.'s mom is in town and that's rude. But a quick update...necessary. It was relatively painless at the office, but an hour after, starting in the grocery store parking lot, I got the WORST cramps. I cramped constantly for about and hour and a half. It was really painful - severe cramping. Has that ever happened to anyone? Is there still a chance this could work? I like of to think of the sperm in the uterus dancing around banging into the walls because they're so excited to be here. But I'm worried that the sperm got in there and said, "Woh, I heard she's a lesbian, let's get the hell out of here!"

Why Straight Women Can Be Annoying

I love straight women. Really, I do. LOVE them. Most women I know and love are, in fact, straight women. But sometimes, when it comes to their fertility, they just don't know how lucky they have it!

Example. We went to our "How To Shoot Expensive Meds Correctly Into Your Body" workshop with a lovely nurse from the hospital. 2 other women were there, both definitely straight and without their husbands present. The first problem is that the seminar is very hetero-centric. Not that I was offended by that, but the nurse made sure to tell ALL of us, without exception, that after we take the hcg shot, we should have intercourse that night. Hmmm....now, I could, indeed, have intercourse the same night, but it probably wouldn't have the same result as these other two women.

Okay, problem number two was that the nurse assumes that everyone's uber-expensive fertility drugs are going to be covered by insurance, as are all the procedures (IUI, ultrasounds, etc.). For us, not so much. So that really vexed me. And here's why it vexed me more--these other two women, while I'm sure were perfectly nice, clearly didn't have as great a clue as WE, the two gay women who aren't having their procedures covered. We know what an IUI is, we know how to go through the rigamarole of inseminations, we know what an HCG shot does, and we know when we can inseminate after an HCG has been given. These two didn't seem as clued in. Now granted, if they're at this point in their conception--to the point of injectible fertility meds, that is--they probably have some clue as to their inner working. You know, timing ovulations, temping, blah blah blah....but it just didn't seem like they were on the same page as us.

I guess I really shouldn't be crowing about this, because for one thing, their sperm is free, and another, the meds are probably covered. So what do we get for being so knowledgable and with it? A big, fat credit card bill.

Pokey little puppies

Looks like we're on the slow boat this month, not the express train. S.'s follicles, while still numbering more than 1, are growing very, verrrrry slowly. I think the biggest one right now, from Thursday to Monday, grew from 10 to 14 mm. Hmmm...the u/s tech told us to come back Thursday, which is so ridiculous because we have to go there on Wednesday for injectible meds. orientation. And I assume we'll also be back Friday or Saturday for the insem. That's just way more days than I'd like to spend at the hospital.

In other unrelated news...this rain is just ridiculous. We honestly thought the "brook" behind our house was going to bust up over the bank and flood our house. The brook looked more like a gushing white-water rapids yesterday. We were afraid to let Ringo, our doggy, out back too far for fear he'd get swept away! Ahh! Luckily the Westfield River has seemed to recede some, enough that we're not afraid that our house is going to get washed out. Fun vacation times!

U/S update

Took a gander at my follies this morning. They are small - all about 10mm - but there are 3 on the left and 1 on the right. I've decided to take this as good news. Small, yes, but the amount is a big improvement. Now, no way to know right now if they will all keep growing at the same pace, but it's a good start. It's different than the past - and at this stage in the game, different is good. Let's do a recap:
1st try at R.E.(Clomid)-day 12, 1 follicle 25mm, triggered at office, insem 24 hours later
2nd try at R.E(Clomid)-day 11, 2 follicles 15mm, triggered days later, insem 36 hours later
TODAY(Clomid) - day 11, 4 follicles 10mm, going for another ultrasound Monday AM....

Weird, but there is a pattern there. Slower growing follicles, but more of them. Any similar experiences - particularly good ones?

What this also means is that I will be able to head into the city this weekend! Yeah! We've been feeling the need to get out of the cold wet country. Drink some wine (I know, tsk..tsk), plan our trip to Alaska with friends, and celebrate a friends 30th!

Down Time

We're not so super-duper psyched up over here these days. I guess we're just waiting around until S. is ready for her next insemination, which should be over the next week or so. This is a Clomid-only cycle, since we have to take an official class with a nurse on how to inject those expensive drugs correctly into S.'s body. I'm not really looking forward to it--I could barely manage the hcg shot into the belly in February. Doing the shot itself was fine, of course--it's physically shoving a needle into your loved one's body that is a little intimidating. Big props to all my diabetic peeps out there and their family members--don' t know how you do it every day!

Other than that, we've been keeping very busy lately--planning our garden, raking the lawn, planting peas, knitting, dinner...fun stuff. And vacation next week. Hopefully it will be warm enough to feel inspired to dig up our garden and build our raised beds. Otherwise, we're mellowing out, hoping those follicles are growing nice and plump and juicy.

Confirmed

We waited for over a half an hour in our R.E.'s office on Friday--an auspicious beginning. What resulted from the meeting wasn't half-bad, though. Confirmation that in all likelihood, S.'s ovaries and uterus are completely normal and that we've just been unlucky. Further confirmation that we have to do 12 in-office, under-meds inseminations for insurance coverage to kick in. And, the big blow, a confirmation of how much injectible meds are going to cost us. Let's just say it's a lot. And that we'll be spending about $500 more per cycle now.

Well, starting in May, actually...and May represents the one-year anniversary of us trying to get pregnant. So, for our May cycle, after we've ordered the drugs and we've taken the class on how to shoot ourselves up, off we go. Looks like this month we're just going to do another Clomid cycle and hope for the best.

I really hope this is it--because the thought of doing this 6 more times with a doctor, another HALF A YEAR, seems gruelling and mentally impossible at this point. You know, as if the insurance company has any freaking right to tell us that home inseminations don't count. What about straight couples who can just saunter into a doc's office and tell them they've been trying for a year?? So not fair.

On the upside of things, it finally felt like Spring this weekend. If you want to see something funny, check out S. vacuuming our lawn!

Sassy-slacks begone!

To help reassure that I am not always a grouchy ol' sad-sack!

Things for which I am currently thankful:

1. new hope packaged in a RE appointment tomorrow morning to discuss new protocol
2. a thoroughly vigorous and reenergizing yoga class
3. my darling animal yin-yang

Green.

I was NOT looking forward to yesterday. I was dreading it for a week or so. In fact, it may have inspired a major meltdown/breakdown/pity party I threw for myself on Friday night. Yes, many a tear and sob was shed over several hours the night before. Wait till you hear why...

I had to go to a baby shower, for a baby girl, for someone who started trying after I did. Poor me. I know I am over-dramatizing this situation, but honestly, for me, this was really hard. Let me add, that I do, in fact, really like this couple. It's so dangerous for me to fawn over little, soft, pink, things - things I cannot have.

I want this month on the sidelines to be over. I want to get back to the business of making a baby. Hopefully with some new inspiration from our RE who we see on Friday. Because I really need the inpiration - the 'this is never gonna happen' vibe is making me crazy.

-s

Things to remember: A List

1. Snow gets heavy when it's over 4" high; then you need a snowblower
2. Little dogs get lost in the snow when it's higher than they are
3. People in massachusetts loooove st. patrick's day
4. People in massachusetts loooove beer, a parade, and st. patrick's day
5. Mixing Guiness, Bailey's and Jameson is tasty and bad, all at the same time.

City Dork, Country Dork

I may now officially be a country girl, ahem, nee dork. Know what I'm looking forward to this weekend? The Maple festival. Yes, that's right--March is Massachusetts Maple Month (catch the illiteration?) and on Saturday, it'll be a day of tapping demonstrations, a parade, lots of syrup and other maple goodies for sale, and..I don't really know what else. But doesn't it sound COOL?

That is one of the ONLY good things about March around here--there are so many sugar shacks that start opening up once the sap starts a-flowin', and they're open for breakfast much of the morning and into early afternoon on the weekends. My recommendation is High Hope Sugar Shack, in...hmm, where is that place..somewhere on Rt. 20. Worthington, I believe. Unlimited pancakes, eggs, bacon & sausage served with, of course, their own maple syrup, made on-site. Glorious!

Here's the link for High Hopes. I'm sure you can find some other sugar shacks from the website, too: http://www.hidden-hills.com/highhopes

Housing Authority

When it comes to getting things done around our house, S. is definitely the task master. This past week, we accomplished many-a-project, including painting our bedroom, touching up all the places we accidentally painted the ceiling, and making curtains for our pantry cabinets (which were cabinet door-less). She is amazing! Without her, I wouldn't get anything done. Plus all this running-around house-stuff keeps our mind off the baby-stuff, which is on hold until next month. So, no ttc this month--we meet with Dr. Impossible on the 30th to see what the next step shall be and how much it's going to cost us.

In the meantime, like I mentioned, we're doing stuff around the house and getting psyched up for our garden. This weekend the snow really started melting, so it kicked our desire for spring into super-high gear. We're planning a raised bed-style garden. It'll be our first done all on our own (and it's going to be organic!), so be sure to follow our trials and tribulations over here. That's our house blog called "Those Girls Next Door" which I abandoned after just a few posts due to major stress at work and babymaking and generally adjusting to life in a completely new surrounding. Turned out two blogs was too much for me to deal with, but I think I'm prepared for the responsibility now.

There's pictures there, too.

Not just unlucky

There's a title I think I need to start trying on....infertile. 3IVI's and 6IUI's (4 with Clomid) and still no pregnancy. That's something to consider.