What a year!

From my giant jolly 5 month old to my ever-unhappy newborn.

We're Off!

..to a distant state for Christmas. Here is our packing list, to be shoved in the back of S.'s dad's 12-seater work van. I dare there to be any room left for passengers after we get through packing it up:

• one exersaucer - not collapsable
• at least 3 bags of groceries, just from our home, nevermind what S.'s parents are bringing
• several bags and 2 boxes of presents
• one huge bag just for Theo
• a suitcase for us
• a bag o'toys, blankets, etc...
• diaper bag plus our own personal purse-type bags (we barely carry purses anymore-anyone else have this issue? Bye-bye handbag obsession, hello diaper bag obsession!)

Ugh...and this is after S.'s parents have put their luggage, presents, and groceries in. Even with that long van, I predict it will be a squeeze. But all for love of family do we travel thus, right? This will be Theo's longest car ride yet--we'll see how he does. We leave tomorrow after school time, so most of the driving will correspond with sleepy time, in theory.

Here's Mr. Theo styling in his car seat last weekend. We hope he'll be that happy in it all week!

Always the eldest!

Theo's not the baby any longer. His cousin arrived Sunday evening. 

Meet Jackson Joseph - what a cutie!

We will be spending Christmas with him several states away. We can't wait to squish on him. Theo's going to look like the beast he has become next to this teenie-weenie. What special gifts we have this year.

A Weekend of Miracles

I am the bah-humbug of this family, but even I had to admit I was pleased with everything that happened this weekend while we were away. I was worried about numerous things, from packing up all our crap to traffic driving into the city on a Friday to a cranky baby in line at M@cy's to see Santa. Behold the miracles our magical trip contained:

1. NO TRAFFIC! Once we finally crossed the Triboro (I mean the "RFK Bridge"), I finally had to burst out "Where is everybody?!" which prompted a whack from S. because you never jinx a good streak like that.

2. Pete came down to both help us empty the car and give us his parking spot on his block. What a good friend.

3. We carried Theo around in the Ergo and he had zero meltdowns. Zero. He was amazing--either sleeping or taking in the sights of the city. And, the biggest miracle of all...

Theo totally dug Santa, and I really think we got the real one who totally dug Theo back. No screaming, no fussing. Not a peep. And the line was just not that long--half-hour tops.

4. Then we got to Soho, which on a normal Saturday would be obsurdly crowded. No one there. We were in and out of the Paul Frank store to pick up a couple of onesies for S.'s mom to give to Theo and his cousin (who is supposed to be born on Thursday!!). And they were 25% off. And they were serving milk and cookies.

5. We ate sushi. Theo stuck his hand in the soy sauce. He seemed to enjoy it.

6. There were some other boring things we did that went smoothly. We made it home and ate yummy pizza. We ate bagels and coffee for breakfast, went to Ikea, then went to visit more friends in CT.

The only bummer was the ride home in snow and non-plowed or salted roads. That really sucked and definitely added a bit onto our ride, not to mention was stressful as hell, but all in all I'd say the exhaustion was blissfully warm and squishy and sufficed to even get me to sing a Christmas carol or two in the car. S. declared me offically "in the Christmas spirit." The end.

And We're Off...

There isn't one weekend in December where we are not either going away or have something going on. This is the inaugural weekend of December insanity, and we're off to the city to stay with friends and maybe, just maybe, stand in line to get Theo's picture taken with the Macy's Santa Claus. This sounds like insanity to me, but S. insists we're "making memories!" It will be an adventure nevertheless, toting Theo around on the subway and down city streets. I'm kind of interested to see what our lives would have been like had we not moved out, and had to deal with the consequences of being city mamas. I know there are plenty of you out there whose blogs we read who deal with this everyday, so let's see if we have the muster to do it for even one weekend!

One of my biggest defects is that I have wonderful ideas and intentions, but terrible or not-so-perfect execution and follow-through. This blog is a perfect example. In theory, I love writing on the blog. The reality is, I come home from work exhausted from a long day, then am Mommy and home chef and housekeeper and various errand runner, and then I don't even have time to check e-mail let alone write a blog entry. I'm sure this is a common tale, and my intention is certainly not to fill this particular entry with woe and whining about how hard my life has become. The fact is life is more challenging now, with less down-time, especially this time of year. But the fact remains that life has improved in immeasurable ways.

Today I officially adopted Theo. I found the day to be a happy occasion, but S. found the whole thing absurd rather than a celebration. We had to pay $1,000 just so that some other state or country can recognize our marriage (by default) and the birth of our son (by law). She just doesn't think we should be having to do this in the first place. But I'd like to remind her that there are plenty of states (like, mostly the rest of them) that wouldn't even have allowed our adoption today to have happened, and certainly in not such a pleasant way. The judge smiled and flirted with Theo the whole time (the whole 5 minutes it took) instead of being all grave and serious. We never felt talked down to, but felt encouraged by her words: "I don't see why we shouldn't make this family right now." Bloggers already know that love makes a family long before the law does, but it was affirming nonetheless, especially in light of all the craptastic civil rights repeals as of late.

And so I'll leave you not with an adoption picture exactly (he screamed his head off through all of those!), but with a four-month picture of Theo happily playing in his (now legal) family home.
By the way, this kid is, for all intents and purposes, a beast. His height percentage was apparently "off the charts", and he weighs a whopping 16 lbs, 12 oz. Yikes!

working mama

Being a working mom is even harder than been a stay-at-home mom and I thought that was hard! It's like having 2 full-time jobs. I'm exhausted. I can't ever imagine having a minute to myself. My god, how will I blog? :) I know it's just a matter of getting used to our new routine. But, whoa.

Actually, the first two days of this week, our babysitter's kid came down with pneumonia, so I had to call C. mid-day to go get him. I couldn't leave on my first day back, right?! Then he went to school with me on Election day when we had Professional Development (aka - no students). So it's only been two days. She says he's been great. 

I love being back in the classroom. It feels good. And I love being reunited at 3pm. It's really the perfect situation. I just need to realize that I'm not going to do as much in the classroom - let it go - I do not need to be teacher of the year! There's no productive early mornings or late afternoons with the little Theo with me. Priorities, right?

Little Stinker

Hope everyone had a happy Halloween weekend. I'll let you know how day one as a working mom goes tomorrow. I'm too busy to be freaked out - I'm sure that will creep up at 3 am. 

counting down

One week left! My goodness. Some predicted I would be "loving it" by this point and go back to school kicking and screaming. Partly true. There is part of me that will miss some parts of the day - but overall, I'm ready to go back. Well not ready per se, but ready to get ready. I have plans to make, schedules to change, assessments to analyze, kids to know -YIKES. I'm going back to school. It will be a lot of energy and organization in the beginning both on the Theo end and the being a teacher part. But I look two months ahead and like the routine and consistency and being a working mom. That's me. SAHMhood was fun (well, not always) while it lasted. 

We spent the weekend in Burlington visiting with family friends. We had a great time. But we're glad to be home to get Theo back into his routine. He had fun waking up 5 times on Saturday night. I think his buddy Noah taught him that.

Here they are palling around!

the difference a year can make

A year ago today, Theo was an 8-cell top-grade embryo being placed inside my uterus. Thankfully, he burrowed in nicely, stayed warm and cozy for 9 months before arriving to turn our world upside-down. It's hard to imagine a time without Theo. I mean, I remember it and sometimes I miss it, but I couldn't imagine tomorrow without him. You know? 

He's three months old tomorrow. Seriously. Last year I had an 8-cell embryo that I was hoping would stick around and this year I have a three month old. I wish I could tell the last year S. to relax - next year you'll be crazy in an entirely different way. 

Amazing. 

Just trying something

We bought this flip video camcorder awhile back but I hadn't yet tried downloading to blogger. Here's Theo in his swing - yes, I know, not very exciting. Just trying it out. I hope it works, this camera is pretty cool. Cheap and easy. Not high-quaility but good for catching little baby moments. 

changes

Change #1

I'm learning how to become a stay-at-home-mom. In the last few days we have gone to infant massage class (not relaxing), gone for a walk with a parents group I've joined, and had an adult- with-child playdate with friends we made in birthing class. We've entered a whole new world. Strange. But comforting. 3 weeks left - I still want to go back to work.

Change #2

I think Theo may finally be rejecting my slow, low-supply breasts. We've had an OK time with our breastfeeding/formula-feeding routine. He gets both. First the boobs - then a 4oz. bottle. Nutrition and comfort, followed by sustenance. In the last week he just pulls off from the boob, sometimes he cries or screams. I don't want to force it but...I want to force it. Not quite ready to give it up. My goal was 3 months and we made it to that, but now I want to make it to 6 months. Lofty, huh? I've really given this breastfeeding thing my all - it's still a disapointment to me but I feel like I overcame it.  Any hints on how to keep him going? I do have some frozen to give in a bottle for the next month or two.

Change #3

The season. It's beautiful here right now. Here he is 'enjoying' it. 

It's National Coming Out Day tomorrow, although I now understand that when you have a child together, you and your same-sex partner must come out in one way or another pretty much every day. I'm running the Gay-Straight Alliance at my school while my good friend and co-worker is on maternity leave (she and her wife had their son in the beginning of Sept.), and we celebrated today by having the kids pass out rainbow ribbons to everyone--and I mean everyone. These kids were undaunted, giving them out to students, teachers, paraprofessionals, staff, and administrators. And, I'm happy to report--most of the adults wore them.

We did have one incident where a teacher (yes, another "educator") told a student, when asked if she'd like a ribbon: "No. I don't believe that should be promoted at school." I have informed my friendly Title IX coordinator and I believe they've had a little chat about that already.

I was so proud of my kids--one even got on the morning announcements (which is on camera, mind you) and said "I'm Gay!" and proceeded to talk about how much casual insults can really hurt. He told me later that when he returned to his class, they gave him a standing ovation.

Making tiny ripples in the system makes me happy.

So does this!

Boring Snoring

So last week I said, damn, this blog has sure gotten boring...but S. responded in a way that surprised me. She said "Good. I like it that way."

Then we looked back to our posts from a year ago, when we were getting ready to start our IVF cycle after 14 failed inseminations. So yeah, I think in comparison, I'll take a boring blog.

I'll leave you with a boring picture or two. Yes, we love torturing our child. We were trying to get a good picture for a Holiday card, and then made him pose in some homemade sweaters (and a pumpkin his uncle picked out just for him while it was growing this summer in the pumpkin patch!).

Big Boy

This is a kid we were worrying wasn't gaining enough? Yikes.

He officially weighs in at 13.6 - 90th percentile. 

His height is 23 1/2 - 75th percentile.

Head circumference is 40cm - 50th percentile.

Cuteness is 100th percentile.

My mom purports that 13lbs. is the magic number. The amount they weigh when they calm down, stop crying and relax into being a sweet baby. Maybe we're getting there. Maybe. It's hard to tell with him. Just as I think things are getting easier, he has a crappy day. So, no promises, but I think we're still headed in the right direction. As we speak, he's hanging out on my bed just talking to himself. 

Travels with Baby

Well, it's officially no more fun to travel. We went on a Philadelphia/NYC excursion this past weekend--to Philly for the wedding of a dear friend, to NYC to stay along the way to break up the drive. I think it may have been tolerable to travel with a two-month old had we not had to unpack and then re-pack the car a total of three times in three days. S. and I had one suitcase for all of our stuff, plus another bag to carry into our friend's apt. in NY so we wouldn't have to haul said suitcase all the way up the stairs. Theo had his mitts into every single piece of luggage we packed, plus a bag that was all his very own, plus the co-sleeper. Oh yeah, and the breast pump. And the diaper bag. Needless to say, we used disposable diapers this weekend!

All in all, though, Theo was on his best behavior. He was mostly very good during the wedding, though he did have to be carried off by Stacey during the actual ceremony because he was screaming (S. had to do a reading and I was a bridesmaid). Other than that he was good. He slept great in his co-sleeper in the hotel and in the apartment, so that is nice to know about him. The maid-of-honor actually set up her pack-and-play in the hotel bathroom to make sure her 10-month old stayed asleep--craziness!

Here are some shots of our BIG two-month old boy. The one down below is with our other friend S.'s boy L. who just turned one in August! Check out that awesome hair (L's, not Theo's!)!!

These are the handknit/sewn/crocheted gifts we've received for Theo. It seems they deserved a special place in the blog. As knitters, we know just how much works goes into a blanket or sweater. 

The grey and tan blankets were crocheted by mom, the pinkish one by my good MHC friend, Liz. The tan sweater was crocheted by my mom (because who doesn't need a sweater to match your blanket). The off-white one by my cousin, new to knitting.  And the grey one was knit by Stacey (our doula) to match her boyfriends sweater. I can't wait to see them together this fall. The quilt on the crib was also made by Stacey. She's amazing, huh? Knitting, sewing, AND catching babies. The bumpers on the crib were sewn by C.'s mom, a very talented seamstress. Below is Theo in a handknit bib by another MHC friend. 

And there you go...home grown love for little Theo. 

Well, it's that day again. On that day, I was certainly not thinking that seven years in the future I would be married and have a child and not live in NYC anymore. But here I am. I'm not going to talk about this day. There's plenty said by others and more eloquently. I'll only quietly reflect like many of you are doing, I'm sure. One thing I will say though--it scares me slightly that my son was born under this event's shadow. And I can only hope his generation gets us out from underneath it.

Back to business now--Theo still screams. A lot. There are bad days and then there are slightly better days. Tuesday he screamed so much that the poor kid is actually starting to lose his voice. Growth spurt? Tummy ache? We really don't even know where to begin, so I'm throwing in the towel and bringing him to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm not an over-reactive medical type of person--but when a baby does nothing but scream, even after eating, even I know something is kind of wrong.

But he is growing--and how! Here's a rare glimpse at Theo smiling, then fascinated with his favorite new friend--the black and white dog we like to call Bingo. Yes, we broke down and bought one of those crazy florescent play mats with the dangly things. He just loves them, so what can we do but acquiesce?

Updates and whatnot

Well, Mr. Theo has pretty much been dominating our lives for the past week and a half, as you could probably tell by our severe lack of posts. After S.'s initial shock at being left home along with a screaming infant all day, Theo seemed to have possibly turned a corner--he was actually pretty good for two whole weekends--in a row! But you parents know how it goes. The best laid plans...yeah. Today, fuss. Nonstop, apparently. Now, of course I'm at school all day so I dodge this until I come home, then I take over fussy baby duty, to a certain extent, to give S. some downtime. At least that's the ideal. Right now, I have actually managed to lull him to sleep with his sleep machine. (This is a must-have for our fussy baby and will now be our go-to shower gift for moms-to-be!) I actually feel sort of guilty for using it during the day, which seems a little weird. I mean, he doesn't know what time it is, really, not yet. I just hope he isn't actually more in-tuned to our nighttime routine than I know and now he's going to sleep for the next four hours and make S.'s night miserable. Ugh.

Other than that, I have to say he's been mostly pretty good (with the exception of today) this whole week. Of course I was around a lot. No work Monday, and we took Theo to his pediatric urology appointment Tuesday so I didn't go then either. His hydronephrosis is really mild, but still needs to be watched, basically--another ultrasound and consultation in four months' time. Hopefully it will disappear by the time he's one.

Oh yeah, and he's an official member of the pork-pie club, weighing in at 11.2 pounds. He's chubbing up at last!

I've gone "back to school" every year for the past 27 years. Really truly since Kindergarten - I had my first teaching job right out of college. I love clean desks, school supplies, school clothes, and those first day flutters that even the teacher gets.

I'm not going back to school tomorrow. It feels really weird to me, weird in a bad/sad way. I'm missing things. I'm having a hard time letting go of my classroom and letting the long-term sub take over. I find myself wanting to get the kids started on the right foot.

I don't have anyone else to admit this to. I wish I was going back to school tomorrow.

I'm ashamed that I would rather be in my classroom than home with my baby. But today was my first day as a SAHM (C. went back to school today) and it was hard. Really fucking hard. He cries a lot. He fusses all day. He doesn't nap during the day. Eating is the only way to calm him down - and nursing is still a long process for us, followed by a bottle. I don't know how women do this and like it. I'm not enjoying my baby right now. There, I said it.

I love my baby, I'm just not enjoying him. Don't flame me. Seriously, I'll cry.

How do you politely tell strangers that no, you cannot hold my baby? Um, awkward...

And just for fun, we went blueberry picking! I think Theo likes it. He'll probably like it better when he can actually eat the blueberries, though!

My "Birth" Story--sorta/kinda

S. wanted me to post my version of the birth story. She claims I remember way more. (Which is actually true--now and then I'll be like "remember when you..." and she'll be like "no, I don't.") I suppose that is your body's brilliant biological/psychological reaction to massively painful experiences like childbirth--the end-product makes you forget about all the labor it took to get there.

I won't post my whole version--it obviously cannot possibly compare to S.'s--but I will say a few things about being there from start to finish as a birth partner. First of all, it is the most bizarre thing I have possibly ever seen, watching S. give birth. She has a very low pain threshold, so I knew a natural birth was going to be rough, but I had no freaking idea how she was going to do it. Doubted her? No, not doubted, because I knew how committed she was to having a natural birth. I just didn't understand how it was all going to actually happen.

So what was so bizarre? Well, I guess the fact that she was actually doing it, and watching her go through the most painful thing she has/will ever experience. She seemed like a different person, so close and so far. She needed me and our doula to be there, but at times I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I was there, helping her, but my other self was floating above, watching with disbelief as S. experienced each contraction.

Then it came time to push. As soon as our midwife said "OK, it's time for you to get on your back and push your baby out!" my knees just about buckled under me. The adrenaline pumping through my body made me quiver so hard I could hardly help hold S.'s legs up--or fan her!--but somehow I did it. And again, I watched in disbelief and S. did the most amazing thing I will ever see happen.

So basically, I came out of Theo's birth with a new perspective on S. She wowed me with her strength (even though she doubted her own strength many times throughout the labor) and stamina and most of all, the ability to tolerate all that pain. Maybe tolerate is an understatement, but she did it! I am so, so proud of her, and I look at our son and see her there, and remember all the hard work she did (and continues to do) for him and for our family.

And I won't say anymore about the actual birth, because there are pregnant women and partners out there who will just have to wait to experience those parts (the kind of yucky ones) for themselves!

3 weeks ago today

At long last, my birth story. I'll warn you now - it's long. And not very artfully written. It's a simple account of what happened. I wrote some details down the days after birth and some have come to me over the last several weeks. I would love for C. and Stacey to write/publish their versions. The whole story still shocks and amazes me. I did that.

Birth Story

On Monday, July 21^st we headed to Hospital for an 11am ultrasound. We planned to check in on the baby who was now 10 days overdue. The ultrasound tech (our favorite) found a pretty low level of amniotic fluid and suggested a call to the midwives. They proceeded to send us to the Birthing Center for a non-stress test, to make sure the baby was not in any type of distress.

When we arrived Nurse Brian asked if we would like a small, medium or large room since we’ll be here for awhile. Convinced he had us confused with another patient, I told him that it didn’t matter because we were only here for a non-stress test. He was a little more insistent and I told him we’re not staying. Adamantly, “we don’t have any of our things and the dog is home all alone”. Oh, okay then.

Hooked up to the EFM, Liza (the midwife) comes in around 2:00 and informs us that the amniotic fluid levels are too low to let us leave. She would like to see me attached to the EFM from now on. Liza explains that Cerv1dil will ripen my cervix tonight, I will get a good night sleep and Pit0cin will be administered in the morning. Another midwife will deliver me tomorrow/tomorrow night/the next day. This could be a long process. I begin to realize my birth plan is out the window. C. calls Stacey, our friend/doula, who is on her way back from NH and then heads home to get our birthing things. Things are not going as planned….

At 6pm Cerv1dil is inserted, with a 2^nd dose planned for 6am. Liza notes that my cervix is high and hard, not at all ready for birthing. Not planning on delivering me, she fails to read the birthplan and cordblood things. Stacey, C. and I eat a pizza and plan to watch some Bravo, maybe play Dominoes. But cramps begin within a half hour. I start to feel yucky and wonky and tired.

By 7pm the cramps are bad and I am attempting to rock them away in the rocking chair. Stacey begins timing some things because they seem so repetitive. They are 4-6 minutes apart. But remember, these are just cramps that sometimes accompany the Cerv1dil. I say to C., “If the cramps are this bad, how will I ever be able to stand contractions?” Our new nurse, Tina, comes in and notices that I seem to be deteriorating and things are tough. She gets Liza, who offers Morphine for sleep. What? I refuse, because I hate the way I feel when medicated. She assures it is safe and will be out of my system before the baby comes. She really wants me to sleep. I don’t see how that will be possible.

Between 8pm and 11pm the painful cramping continues. When I throw up the pizza, Tina worries that we have over stimulated my uterus and gets Liza. Liza agrees and wants to remove the Cerv1dil. When she does that – surprise – I’m 5 centimeters dilated. Not cramps after all, contractions – and I’m half way there! She removes the Cerv1dil and my body continues on its own.

From 11pm to 3am I labor in bed. I am very uncomfortable. In fact, that’s what I keep saying to everyone, “I’m very uncomfortable”- umm, understatement. Liza repeatedly offers an epidural even though my birth plan states “I will ask, please don’t offer.” Annoying, but tempting. I never commit. The next time she checks my cervix it’s 7 centimeters. The tub is contemplated, but I don’t think I can move to another room.

My water finally breaks in the bed, and things get really hard. I turn to my side, helping the cervix to fully dilate. Hard and tough and painful and constant. I can’t seem to get my body to stop convulsing, even as I realize this is the transition. I try to ride them out, but I feel like I’m just hanging on for the ride, clenching until it’s over. It’s like being under a giant wave, and not being able to reach the surface. And then you’re slammed onto the shore, take a breath and another wave overtakes you. This was definitely the worst for me. In fact, I relive it for the next day or two – shuddering each time.

The need to push comes sometime before 4am, but Liza is not ready for me to push. My body is not ready so I have to hold them back. This is so difficult, impossible even. My body says “PUSH” and I feel powerless to stop it. Poop.

Around 4am, true pushing beings. It’s better because there are longer breaks between the contractions. I’m trying to follow directions, but everyone seems irritated that I can’t do what they’re saying. Just because my eyes are closed (which they were for almost the entire birth), doesn’t mean I can’t hear you. I am so unbelievably hot. “Hot”, I keep repeating. Even with the A/C at full blast, I’m “hot.” C. and Stacey fan me with a Chinese handheld fan from Stacey’s doula bag that she got at Pearl River Mart. It was an invaluable tool! Between fanning, they are also holding my legs which are so tired and heavy.

Around 5am, the baby is in the birth canal and Liza wants me to go slow. As the baby moves further down, I feel like my bottom is exploding. I know she’s trying to help me stretch slowly but I have to get the baby out. Like, right now. C. can see hair as the baby comes down. I feel like if I look or touch, I will lose focus – so I take her word for it. I’m taking the deep breaths, and bearing down 2 to 3 times per contraction. I’m so thankful for the breaks between.

5:20, I feel the tearing/stinging, but I don’t care. I’ve got to push this baby out.

At 5:26 the baby comes out and is placed straight onto my belly. I’m surprised by all the blood. I look to C., “What is it?” and she says, “I don’t know!” What? The baby’s body was turned away from her and she couldn’t see the parts. Taking a peek over, she says, “A boy, I think” and Liza nods. The nurse wipes him up and I hear little cries and moans and I realize – I did it. It’s over, and I did it. C. and I have our family.

It takes awhile for Liza and Tina to figure out the cordblood banking. The baby lays tired on my chest. Birthing the placenta is so relieving. We all take a look at what it was that sustained our son for so long. Really amazing.

Around 6ish Liza begins repairs on my third-degree tear while the baby is cleaned and weighed. I birthed an 8lb 10oz, 20 ¾ inch long, baby boy. Woh. Liza has Dr. Loebel, and ob/gyn surgeon, come in to take a look at the tear and do the stitches. The stitches are done from front to back – ow – but are superficial (no muscles), thank goodness. It takes awhile and I keep thinking about how I can’t wait to close my legs. They are so tired and shaky.

Around 7ish we are finished and I can breastfeed for the first time. He takes it easily. C. begins to call people, who are surprised - remember we weren’t even supposed to be put into labor until this morning? My mom and dad are here within a few hours. C.’s mom and sister come later in the day. It’s a whirlwind of a day as we introduce Theo to his new family.

I ended up with the Birth Story I wanted. Surprisingly. No one thought this is how it would go. I wouldn’t have done it without the support (and fanning) of C. and Stacey. And I trusted my instincts. I trusted my body. It was hard.

We Heart Poop

Obviously the novelty of this will wear off, but Theo seems to be pooping more regularly now. This is only exciting because he was going 5+ days with nary a poo in sight, so poop = good, because poop = Theo's getting enough to eat!

Ummm, I don't think two years ago I would have ever been so excited about changing a poopie diaper. Oh my, the times, they are a changin'...

Cow for hire

Anyone ever use a breast milk from a milk bank? I'm trying to figure out logistics/cost, but the info is not that easy to find. I'm not even sure if there is one local enough to western MA. I know 'breast is best' but I have to admit I'm a little creeped out about the idea of using a strangers breast milk.

This is probably not the way we'd go, but I like to explore all my options...

Do people still hire wet nurses? :)

Ignorance is bliss

I yearn to be ignorant. I want to be that woman who doesn't understand how her body works - because she doesn't have to - it works and that's all that matters.

I don't know why I'm always surprised by the inadequacies of my body. Why do I have to become an expert about conception? about IVF? about ways to make an overdue baby come naturally? about breastfeeding? Part of me knows it's just my personality - I seek out the knowledge. And part of me is just bitching about the women out there who have no interest in breastfeeding but are still leaking 6 months down the road.

Theo is getting about an ounce from me every time he feeds. Obviously, nowhere near enough to sustain him. So, supplementing with formula. I am also pumping after every feed and getting about half an ounce. He gets that too. urgh. I've done everything and I know that now. 4 lactation consultants, fenugreek, domperid0ne, a tongue-tie surgery, J@ck Newman's book from cover to cover, pumping every two, a hospital pump, a good latch and a *perfect* sucking baby. I think I have insufficient glandular tissue - this is all it has to give.

I've kind of made peace with it. I will continue to breastfeed and pump as long as there is some milk there. It' s not what I envisioned, but I've done everything and I feel content that there's nothing else to be done, so it's time to move on. Hell, I was a formula fed baby and I'm smartish and have always been healthy, allergy and asthma free.

Another exciting day of screaming today. We went to the hospital to get Theo's kidneys ultrasounded (is that a verb? it is now!). They are still dilated and have some fluid in them, so our next stop is to go to a pediatric urologist where they will figure out the cause. It's probably just going to be a minor procedure that isn't a big deal, but it's one more thing to deal with when it feels like we're dealing with many other things over here--like, is Theo eating enough? Will S. ever make enough milk and, if she does, will Theo figure out how to get to it? Will he ever gain weight? Why isn't he pooping? Will he ever stop screaming?

To try to answer these questions, we will head out again tomorrow to meet with yet another lactation consultant. At his weigh-in on Friday, we will decide once and for all whether this breastfeeding thing is going to be for him, and whether we will throw in the towel in bring in the bottle. This.is.hard.

But at least he's cute...

Rise n' Shine, Campers!

Today our darling dog Ringo decided he'd love to try one of Theo's poopie diapers. Ugh is just about all I can say about that. Did I mention Ringo is a white dog? Double ugh.

All this diaper tearing ensued while we were out of the house this morning. We did what I am fairly certain is a complete and total lesbian first: we are very likely the first lesbian couple to travel 45 minutes to a lactation consultant who also happens to be the nurse for a Catholic summer camp for two weeks. She's really good, obviously, and she didn't have a problem with us coming up there this morning, so we rose early, woke up Theo, and headed out the door around 7 a.m. to meet her at 8 at the camp. It felt a little weird being the lesbian breastfeeding couple in the nurse's sleeping quarters at the Catholic camp, but the lactation consultant didn't seem to care, so we eased up eventually, too, and just let her give us her wonderful guidance and advice.

She thinks Theo's latch is not quite right yet. We did a LOT of work on it this morning, and all day long. Hopefully he's getting it and getting more milk so S. can make more milk. Whew. Still hard, but maybe we at least have a cause now of the low supply. We weigh in again on Friday. It feels so far away!

The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore

Well, it makes occasional stops. Like, weekend service or something. S.'s milk is still not all there, but there is milk, so that is the positive thing, and Theo is getting some breastmilk right now. We're going to the camp where our hospital lactation consultant is working right now (yes, we're so desperate we're driving to her) to check things out. In the meantime, by the graciousness of a wonderful close friend of ours, S. has started taking an rx that is supposed to increase milk supply. We're all crossing our fingers hoping this will be it, that she just needs a little boost and Theo and Mamas will be happy. Because no one is really very happy at the moment. I am happy to say, though, that while he may be restless and scream his head off during the day, he's been pretty good (cross fingers, knock-on-wood) at night, giving us a 3-4 hour stretch before we hear his little lips smacking after his last feeding.

I just don't want my baby to be hungry, or my baby mama to feel inadequate, because her dedication to Theo and breastfeeding is so amazing. So many women would have just thrown in the towel by now. Even though it's emotionally and physically draining, she's hanging in there hoping things will work out. And if not--we will resign ourselves to it, pick up the pieces, and move forward.

It's been a dark and stormy week here at chez Theo. In reality and metaphorically.

We have had crazy wind/rain/thunder/lightning storms over the last few days. Blowing trees down, knocking down power lines and leaving us in the dark. Fun times with a newborn.

This is hard. Really hard. I know it gets better. I do - really. You don't have to tell me.

Short version - it took a really long time for my milk to come. (Sunday - I gave birth on Tuesday). Theo was losing too much weight so we had to supplement with formula - which was hard. We had a hell of a time finding a lactation consultant on the weekend in the middle of summer, so we were left to our own inadequacies and anxieties about losing the chance to breastfeed vs. starving the baby. We have now gotten some great advice from some great sources and things are on the upswing. He also had his frenulum clipped because I noticed he was tongue-tied. That may or may not have made a bf difference. The metaphorical clouds are lifting - slowly, but lifting. My milk is here, just low, so we're on a two hour pumping regimen, which is why, yes, I am writing this at 1 am.

Birth story soon. I promise it's worth waiting for.

Theo

I should really be sleeping right now, but I couldn't resist...S. will post her story soon!

Guest Blogger (guess why)

   Theodore "Theo" Lee was born  this morning at 5:26 AM.  He's 8 lb, 10 oz, 20 3/4 inches long and has a beautiful pout.  S. was a total rock star.  A cervix ripener was inserted, but she didn't need to be induced after all because less than 12 hours later, it was all over.  Fast and fierce.  Everyone is happy and well, trying to rest after the surprise all-nighter.  Woo-hoo!

xox, Stacey

Debriefing...

To be brief..

The fluid levels are low, so they are having us stay in the hospital to induce (blech) us. Will be there for a couple of days then hopefully be back with the baby!!!!

Thank heavens for friends with pools!

Our oh-so kind friends, one of whom is in my department in school and also pregnant (2 pregnant lesbian English teachers at the same time--our school doesn't know what to make of us!), invited us over their house to go swimming. Being nearly 6 weeks away from giving birth herself, our friend knows what a blessing the water is to the baby belly, so we spent the hot afternoon swimming in the pool. It felt sooooo good! And I'm sure even better for S., who feels weightless in the water. Other than that, we've been dealing with the heat better than usual. At least better than usual for me. I'm usually very cranky when it gets hot. Not only do I sweat, but my hair gets frizzy. NOT COOL! But our house has managed to stay tolerable, and we have a small pond here in town that is available when we get desperate. And then there's of course our kind friends who take pity on us, a week overdue without a pool in our own backyard.

So, that's all. No signs of anything else happening here. Just trying to stay cool.

I have, in the meantime, become obsessed with making things--food, I mean. I made my second loaf of bread and I think I'm addicted to baking it. Now, having picked three baseball bat-sized zucchini out of S.'s parents' garden tonight, I'm trying to figure out how to best preserve them for future use. It's a new kind of sickness!

What happened to my ticker baby, dammit!

Update - but not the kind you, I mean we, are hoping for...
Went to the midwife yesterday and my cervix is still high and closed, so much that she was unable to sweep the membranes. So, no natural induction for now. We have an ultrasound and appt. on Monday for a second try and to check fluid levels.

Believe it or not, we are not yet at the stage where we are considering induction. I have no interest in Pit*cin, so I'll put it off as long as possible. Pit can really lead a pregnancy to an ugly place. In fact, I don't even want to use castor oil - but will if it comes down to that. So for now, lots of walking, squats and nipple stim.

Stay tuned...

Don't get the wrong idea. We're still waiting...

Kitchen Experiments

Nope, nope, nope. Just didn't want you all to think our lack of posts since Saturday meant something exciting had happened. We are just not that lucky yet! So, in the meantime, we have been preparing meals to freeze for when we come home from the hospital and are too dog-tired to think about preparing food. Our doula is an excellent cook, and since she has to hang out here until the baby is born, she's put herself to excellent use preparing wondrous things, which include two quiches (spinach and chedder and mushroom, leek, and swiss), latkes, turkey meat loaf (we ripped that idea from oneofhismoms--thanks!), and a lasagna. Just lovely and tasty.

I have also been occupying myself by doing some experiments in the kitchen. Some have been successful, others not so much. Inspired by Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, I've been making some cheese. I made mozzarella and ricotta, and the ricotta is in the lasagna, cooling as I type. I put the mozzarella onto a pizza this weekend and it was quite tasty. Then I tried making bread. Well, I suck at that. I think I killed the yeast by accident so there wasn't much rising going on, so while the flavor of the bread was good, it was like eating a brick of bread. Oops. I just want something kind of light and artisinal-looking-anyone have any good breadmaking recipes or tips?

More of the same

Nope, not yet. We went to a baby shower we thought we wouldn't ever be able to attend. We were so sure we wouldn't be there that we hadn't even RSVP'd! So we're just..

waiting..

and waiting..

and..you know. More waiting.

And why is the ticker starting to count backwards now? Ugh!

Check out that ticker. Wild.

So, what did you do on your due date?

I weeded the gardens, weed-whacked the yard, stained the decks (with C.'s help of course), replanted some plants....

What I did not do was go into labor. I guess the day's not over yet. Nothing happening here - but go cheer on my due date buddy. Lucky.

Still a'nuthin doing

No baby yet!

We had what we wanted to be our last midwife appointment today (alas, we made one for next Friday as well). They had offered to strip S.'s membranes at 40 weeks (we're just 2 days shy of 40) but we decided we'll only do that if we have to come back next week. It seemed like meddling to us, especially when she's not even overdue yet. But she has been sticking to a regime of evening primrose oil for some good prostaglandins (hopefully!). Who knows---we have people predicting we won't have the baby until the 18th on the full moon. But we don't want to wait a whole week! I know we have nothing to complain about yet. Two days left until the due date, and really, we know in our heads that first babies are anywhere from 1 to 2 weeks late. It's just in our hearts we wanted to meet him/her this weekend. But that could still happen! So we're just waiting in this yucky heat in the meantime, thinking of ways to pass the time, amuse ourselves, and stay cool. We're going to try eating some spicy Indian food tonight or tomorrow to see if we can't get this party started!

Happy Anniversary!

It is our anniversary today, S. and I. Not of when we met or hooked up or started dating officially or even when we started blogging, but of our actual LEGAL marriage here in Massachusetts. I am still overwhelmed at the privilege this state of ours allows us, being just one of two in this whole big screwed-up country. It's nice to have company now though, I have to say (thanks, California!). It was a beautiful day weather-wise--not too hot, but sunny and bright and beautiful. Not like today, which is cloudy and overcast. Today we cleaned the stove, picked up our kitchen from our pie- and strawberry jam-making extravaganza (pics to come--they are very red!). Three years ago we smiled in white dresses and held flowers and felt content and happy with our small, close crowd of our family and best friends who came to watch us do something rather unique. Now we are waiting on pins and needles for something even more amazing to happen. We hope it will happen quite soon, but it would be nice to not have to share our anniversary with our baby's birthday!

So much love and happiness to share I can't quite say it, except that no one else I know would come pick 20 pounds of strawberries with me and help cook it into jam. Happy 3rd anniversary, lovie!

TWO well-earned victories. We've been sending positive thoughts for soo long. And finally.... CONGRATS LADIES! I love when the lesbian fertility universe gets it right. We are so happy for you all.

check!

carseat installed
prize organic mattress in crib
doula in new england
nursery finished
birth books read(Birth Partner, Sear's Birth Book, The Thinking Woman's Guide...anything I'm missing?)
"house" to do list complete(still a few outside/garden things...)
co-sleeper set up
cloth diapers washed and ready (and a pack of 7th generations to start)
going home outfit bought (so cute - I love babies in white)
bag packed - tonight! tonight!
evening primrose oil bought (not using just yet - the 80 year old man in me is dying to hear Prairie Home Companion on Saturday night at Tanglewood)
birth plan written
vinyl shower curtain on bed (just in case)
JOB KEPT! So, my district is in terrible financial trouble and anyone under 3 years in the district got pink slipped last week. Mind you, I have taught for 10 years. Just not here. Everyone kept saying it was a formality - but as the council meeting dragged out over the last few days, it really looked dismal. Tonight, with a $200,000 cut and not a $400,000 cut the superintendent says we will be called back. Thank goodness. Besides, you know, the money, I really love my job and my school in particular. It's a big relief. I know most people recognize this, but public school teachers are shat-upon. It's sick that in the two years I've worked here, my job has been threatened twice and probably will be again next year. All for a measly salary. But we do it for the children. :) gag.

Animals in Baby Places

We love our pets, that is for certain. We will do anything for them. (We hope this translates into us being good parents as well!) I just had to share a couple pics of our crazy animals taking up residence in what is supposed to be places for baby to be--changing table and co-sleeper. O.K., one confession first--S. threw Ringo into the co-sleeper and he hasn't voluntarily gone in since.

Luna the cat, however, goes everywhere she and her black-furred self should not--baby's white changing pad, white chair, you get the idea..guess it's the stupid humans' faults for deciding white would be a lovely nursery color. Duh!

Would you look at that--three more weeks to go. S. is officially and totally, no-turning-back-now full term pregnant. Oh my goodness. And, it is officially S.'s last day of school as well. Hip hip HOORAY! I still have until Monday, but the kids are gone so I am feeling gooood...

This week we did many important "hey, the baby could come at any second now" things around the house and outside, including setting up the co-sleeper and having our car seat bases installed. One of the parents in S.'s school is a police officer and safety technician, so he offered to do it for us. It's kind of freaky riding around with that thing in the back seat, and to think soon there will be a squirmy-wormy thing sitting in it soon. It's all a little much and I think it's finally dawned on us--we are HAVING A BABY!

Babyville, Musicville, and Schoolville

No--we do NOT have a baby yet!! I think about 3 teachers I work with asked me that today. I felt like being flippant and saying "Do you really think I'd be here if I had a baby right now?" but I politely just said, "No, not yet--three more week!" I can hardly believe it when I say it out loud. Three.More.Weeks. Or at least close to it. At the end of this week, we will be officially at full-term. As in--if baby is ready, we have to be, too.

So that leads me to my iPod. I got a new one since my old one bit it (I dropped it off of the treadmill one too many times, as it turns out. Oops. I'll be more careful with this one.) S. and I love music, and she's decided it would be swell to birth with music playing. So she put me in charge of the birthing mix. No pressure or anything! But I am having fun with it. I have my parameters--very mellow music, and enough songs that it could cycle through a few times and we wouldn't notice or mind too much. I doubt she'll really remember what song is playing when the pumpkin finally enters this world, but did any of you have any memorable songs playing during birth??

And then--school. It is almost over. I mean, really almost over. S. has until Friday, me until next Monday. I am in the throes of final exams and couldn't be happier about it, since each exam bring me closer to the end of this very busy and challenging year. We are both looking forward to getting those last-minute preparations done, then kicking back and waiting for the utter chaos to begin.

Where do I put it all?

My mom threw us a family shower last weekend. As nervous and distressed as I was over the whole thing, I have to admit, it went quite well and wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it might be. It helped to have my cousin's 2-year old there for comic relief and to take the spotlight away from me. She kept asking if my baby was coming today and I replied that "No, it's still busy growing in my belly. It's not ready to come out yet." Response? "How'd you eat that?" :) She's a firecracker that one.
I was surprised how well people were able to get the "gist" of "us" by looking at our registry. We're picky, we know that...and don't really make excuses for it. We like what we like. People were thoughtful and generous with gifts. My cousin gave us a whole cloth diapering kit, even though she would never consider using them herself. Another cousin's wife gave us a basket with a food mill and organic kids cookbook, glass dish and spoons etc. It really made me feel respected and loved. On the flip side (very few of these,) if you're not going to put thought into a gift...why would you shop and not use the registry? No - diaper genies are not good for cloth diapers. I pledge to always follow the registry...people register because it's what they want - I get it now!

On another note...I crossed the line from shiny happy pregnant to tired achy angry pregnant. The baby is sitting on my sciatic nerve, making it difficult to walk, nevermind keep up with first graders - I can do anything for 8 1/2 more days!!!!

Happenings

So, what's the happenings, you might be asking. Well, for starters, there are three weeks left of school and six weeks left to this pregnancy. Oh my.

Next, we bought some powdered Ch@rlie's Soap for our diapers. I'm experimenting with it using our own clothes because I have a phobia of powdered detergent stemming from my days I lived in England and they mostly used powder. Since I was a dumb American and accustomed to liquid, I always put too much powder into the drum and the soap residue was always all over my clothes. But..I think I get it now. I was using waaaay too much!

We had our breastfeeding class. It was good. Mostly things we knew, some we didn't. The teacher was a bit scatterbrained as well as a little bit sexist since she claimed men burp babies differently from women. Apparently, men burp babies by holding them like a puppy, face down, while women tend to put the baby over their shoulder to tap the back gently. I guess I fell into this stereotype since I automatically threw the semi-life-like breastfeeding babydoll right over my shoulder as the men put the babies in their laps or, yes, even held them like dogs.

It led me to wonder if the presence of a lesbian couple is ticking off the other couples in the class. Our instructor only says "partner", not husband. Even the couples will correct themselves and adjust their language to "partner." I guess I don't feel bad about it or anything, since we are taking the class in one of the gay-friendliest little cities in this whole big country, not to mention in a state where I am legally married to my wife. If you're uncomfortable with "partner," move out. I don't sense any discomfort from any of the other couples in the class so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I am, after all, the only female partner in the room!

Breathe in....

...And breathe out. Our birthing class focused a lot of relaxation tonight, helping baby mama through contractions with massage, breathing, etc. Then we learned about drugs. Quite possibly, if this is even possible, the epidural sounds more frightening than natural childbirth. I think S. felt the same way.

This post is really a reminder to myself to just OMMMMMMMM......really, try it. It feels great! Or just scream, or sigh, or moan. Any noise to relieve stress. The vibrations in your chest do relieve tension--it's not just a hippy-dippy yoga thing! Ommm on this weekend, everyone!

Busy and Sniffing

How could it have been over TWO years that we've been writing this blog?! That is insane. I was vaguely thinking that we had missed our "blogiversary" and I was right. Oh well--many, many, many things going on in our lives, so many so that even blogging has seemed to take a back seat. I think we have something happening nearly every day of the week until baby arrives. That is just not right. I'm hoping Memorial Day weekend, when we're supposed to be planting our garden, will be a relaxing one--you know, after my sister's graduation and S.'s 10-year college reunion are over with!

I will leave you with a lovely 32-week belly shot. S.'s favorite flowers to sniff are lilacs, and the baby likes them, too!

This n' That

Well, many things going on, mostly boring, but I felt I needed to write a new post before you'd all written us off as lazy bloggers. Plus, at this stage of the pregnancy, no news for long stretches can be worrisome. So! In a nutshell and quickly, since we're off for the weekend:

1.) We've started childbirth classes and we're the only queer couple. This is fine, except last night the "birth mothers" got together in a small group and the "partners" in another, and since I was obviously the only female partner, I felt more than a little awkward. Luckily the men all seemed kind of too shy to talk much, so I did the talking for them.

2.) We went to our first Annual Town Meeting (ahh, New England!) on Monday. Suffice to say it will probably be my last. It was an eye-opener, though. Many people are unhappy funding public education to the regional school district and were unsupportive of public education in general. As two public ed. teachers, we were seething but kept our traps shut lest we make the meeting any longer. It made us think, do we really want to raise and school our kid in this town?

3.) Our awesome NY friend, also S., who now lives in CT, is throwing us a baby shower tomorrow. And..

4.) Tomorrow is S.'s (my S.) birthday. Happy happy day, my lovely, on your last birthday before baby comes into our lives. I love you and wish you many happy returns!

Laundry?!

When I see my future with my baby, I see....laundry. This is mostly because we are doing cloth diapering and I know we'll be doing a load of nasty diapers pretty near every two days or so, in addition to dirty clothes, burp cloths, etc. Our one dilemma, though, is that we are really torn about what kind of detergent to use with the diaps. Powdered? Liquid? We do have a front-loader washer, if that makes a difference. I am casting a net out to cloth diapering mamas to ask what works best, what their laundry routine is, etc. The whole diaper pail thing is stumping us, too. We scored a $20 Simple Human slimline trashcan that we love, but will it keep out the stink?

So many questions--and I know we'll develop our own methods as time goes on, but I at least want a starting point. Suggestions?!

Have you noticed..

I am 30 weeks pregnant. Making me 3/4 of the way finished with pregnancy, nearing the end. gulp. It's starting to feel very real. Real as in, I'm going to have a baby. My own baby. I have approximately 10 weeks left. 10 weeks goes by fast. Really fast. Um, we haven't even started birthing classes - next week thank goodness! And at the rate we've been going here in blogland - it could be less then 10 weeks.

Hard Day: Update

Well--the student died yesterday afternoon. Somehow, after it stopped raining and the sun came out, I knew it. I got a phone call last night from my department head confirming this. It is sad, to say the least. Our principal got on our morning announcements TV show (yes, we have a TV studio in our school--it's quite cool) to announce it, give students permission to leave the class when they felt necessary, and have a moment of silence. Surprisingly, all but one (a very close friend of the victim) of my seniors came to 1st period today. I was amazed at their strength. I said we didn't have to do what I had planned, but they wanted to--and were okay. We read 17th century poems about sex and getting girls. They laughed. It was nice. My other kids were mellow-ish, one was blatantly disrespectful and rude, and the other, the class where I will be teaching the brother of the deceased, well..they are immature freshmen who weren't handling their grief too well, I think, but we talked about it.

At any rate, I feel like the kids are alright today, thanks to some action they took that made them feel better--a vigil last night, passing out white ribbons to wear today--sometimes kids really amaze me. They handled this with such grace and respect. And now I'm done being a downer, because the mattress we won is coming our way! Woo hoo!!

Oh, and thank you for the stories you shared about your personal experiences with loss as a student--they really did help me figure out what I was going to do today.

Good News, Sad News

Today we have some great stuff happening on the good news front, the first of which is that S.'s baby sugars came back normal!!! That is a major relief. The second is that S. has been entering on-line contests like mad and we actually won one, and it's big----an organic crib mattress! Can you believe it?! We had registered for one, and my mom was going to buy it, but now she can spend her money on baby in other ways. We are overjoyed! The third piece of good tidings is that S.'s cousin K. delivered her twins Friday and they are ridiculously tiny and cute, and mom is doing well. Yay yay yay.

On the sad news front, I am learning how to deal with teenage grief and loss as two of the seniors in the high school I teach at were in a serious car accident over the weekend, and one will probably not make it. I teach the younger brother of the boy who will probably not make it, plus a class of already-grieving seniors and I just really don't know what to do. I have never been faced with a situation like this as an educator, and it's hard enough to keep it together myself, let alone be a pillar of strength the kids can feel comfortable and safe around. How do I do this? I am so saddened for the school, the family, my student who will potentially lose his only brother--when you see these tragedies on the news, they seem so remote, so distant. You feel sadness for the families of the lost children, but never truly realize the impact this loss will have upon the faculty, other students, and the community at large. I don't pray, but I am sending good vibes out into the universe for this family and our school. I can be nothing but sad.