Dia de los Muertos

Grampy worked his dream job ushering for the Boston Red Sox during spring training at their park in Ft. Myers, FL for nearly 15 years.

Grampy and Theo Memorial Day Weekend

In honor of the Day of the Dead, I thought I'd post some pictures of special people that we've lost over the past year. This past May, S. lost her grandmother who we called Meme, and in September I lost my grandfather, Grampy, to Pulmonary Fibrosis.

I'll let S. post about her own grandmother, but for me, I can say that my Grampy was at times cantankerous, but always had a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and great stories about growing up in East Boston in the 1930's. Born in 1929, he worked a variety of jobs in his lifetime, mainly around cars and automotive repair. He became the first authorized dealer of Honda Motorcyles on the East Coast in the 1960's, selling them before anyone knew what the Honda brand was. When I asked him why he started selling Hondas, he told me that he saw some celebrity on the Johnny Carson show talk about toodling around Hollywood on a Honda, and he was instantly intrigued. He loved us grandchildren very, very much, and of my son, remarked, "That's quite a kid you've got there," which from him is one of the greatest compliments.

We're gonna try this. Excited?

I dreamed a dream

I have temporarily satiated my little sick doodle bug with banana chips so I have about two minutes to type up a blog entry. I think I'm ready to talk.

After getting the official news of my negative pregnancy, I purchased a bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and proceeded to eat about half the bag myself. (Yes, I am one of those. Thank goodness I haven't had to face much adversity in my life, because I'm pretty sure I'd be obese if I did.) I was pissed. I was angry. I was bewildered and infinitely sad. How could four perfectly good embryos not implant themselves successfully into my picture-perfect lining? It just seemed---unfair. Was this just the lot of my family---to have to jump over multiple hurdles and endure heartbreak after heartbreak before getting to baby? I would think once would be enough for any family to endure.

Alas, the heartbreak continues. Two mornings ago, in the foggy, vivid dreaming between snooze alarm hits, I dreamed I was three months pregnant. I was rubbing my belly. I was so happy. I did not want to wake up.

The fear behind trying again is that we do not have a Plan B for Baby B. Our frozen embryos from S.'s successful IVF cycle were our next and only plan. Our donor is "temporarily" unavailable, but who knows what that means. His specimens could be released tomorrow, or never. I am afraid to call the Bank to find out, because quite frankly, last time a representative was so rude to me that I ended up hanging up in tears. (I have to say this is an exception to the way we usually interact with this particular bank, but it was a bad one.)

So, now what?? IF....we cannot get the same donor, but still feel strongly about giving Theo a bio sibling, S. would have to give me her eggs, but according to our nurse, that is crazy expensive. If we do have the donor, do I then go through IUIs, or consider pouring the expense into again having S.'s eggs? We just don't know. I suppose the starting place is going to be our bank. It is highly likely that we are his only pregnancy, but as soon as we reported it to them, he "sold out." We never got the chance to stock up.

Jeesh, I sound like we went grocery shopping.

But seriously. I know we will figure this out, but mustering up the energy to do it seems impossible right now.

It's just not fair.

Our Wild Thing

"We'll eat you up-we love you so."

Definitely not pregnant.

Pregnancy Fail

We're watching "Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami" (there is seriously nothing on t.v. I don't even know why we're watching this garbage) and watched Kourtney Kardashian pee on 8 sticks and get a pregnant every time. Oopsies!

It makes me kind of sick.

I peed on a stick Friday morning. One lone, single pink line. So not pregnant.

Blood test tomorrow morning but we already know the answer this time.

Now what?

Shoe Dilemma Solved

I am nursing a killer shoulder right now--must have slept on it wrong (really, really wrong) last night because I can't turn my neck to look left! Yes, it's that bad. Hopefully some acupuncture treatment today will start kicking in soon.

So, since I was being the human pincushion this afternoon, S. took Theo to a kid's shoe store in town. The lady was apparently won-der-ful, a true whiz at measuring baby and kid feet. Much to our surprise, our little Theo's shoe size is officially (drum roll please): 6 extra-wide. Know what size the S.R. pair we had been jamming his feet into were? A 4!! No wonder the kid could barely walk in them. It's like when you get measured for a bra for-reals and you had been wearing a 36 C but you're actually a 40 EEE or something...So, there were only two pairs of that crazy size in the store, so S. settled on a nice pair of brown leather sneaker-type Stride Rites. I think they are from their "Sensory Response Technology" line. Cute, but the downside is they are tie, not velcro (boo).

I appreciate all the suggestions. We actually love the See Kai Runs. They fit his feet great--we had some sandals of theirs he wore all summer long. For some reason, though, we could not find any we really liked in our neck of the woods. Plus, I think he really needed his feet measured.

So, lesson learned. Bring your fat-footed kid to a shoe store, with people who actually know what they're talking about to help. Then drop more money on his shoes than you ever wold for yourself.

Fat-footed girls (and boys) you make the rockin' world go 'round

Switching topics...I decided that wallowing in the tww is a drag, so..

I'm looking for advice from mamas with large babies. Our babe, though lovable, is a tad on the big side, especially in the feet area. They're pretty wide but, moreover, they are stacked. Like, little fat pockets. So fitting his tootsies into shoes has been challenging. So far, we've been able to only fit his feet into soft shoes (Bobux, Robeez, etc.). We tried jamming his foot into some Converse All-Star high-tops to no avail (his heels would just not get in there right!), and we have a pair of Stride Rite velcro jobs. Well, Sunday we put the S.R. pair on him and suddenly, he just started bawling. I mean, crying. We took him out of the stroller to let him walk around and burn off some steam, but he crumpled to a heap to the ground screaming. It was kind of scary, to be honest. Then his grandmother was like, take that kid's shoes off! And sure enough, he gradually calmed down. His feet must have fallen asleep all squished inside his sausage casing like that.

So, the question---what shoes to put on the now-walker's feet? Something ergonomically, podiatrically (not word, I know) correct. Brands, kinds, sizes? Anything non-smooshy please.

In the Still of the Night

After a day of fireworks down there on Friday, there has been much stillness in the ute. Of course, as I am typing this, I'm beginning to feel a mild something-or-other down there begin, but all weekend, it was pretty darn quiet. I think the time for implantation has passed, so I'm really hoping the the yo-yos decided to snuggle on down into my lovely triple-layer lining.

I keep thinking of what I will think about myself if this transfer doesn't do the job. Will it mean I am truly infertile, and there is something seriously wrong with me? Because think about it. I have now had 4 perfectly perfect, healthy embryos transferred into my body. I know it's only twice, but seriously---how could it not work if my reproductive system was working the way it is supposed to? S. got pregnant with one embryo, one time. (Yes, granted, this was after 14 failed insems, but still--the embryo went in, and Theo came out.)

I need to stop thinking about what a failure my uterus is because, really, hello, I am only halfway through the tww. I don't test until next Sunday. That's like, an entire week! So I am thinking winning thoughts, jobs well done. No symptoms be damned--stranger things have certainly happened.

Post-transfer delirium

So since transfer day, which went very smoothly--both defrosted, both put back--I was on mandatory bed rest. Well, S. mandated I stay home from school an extra day and "lie down!" I tried--and I mostly succeeded. The idea of staying home in pjs and lying on the couch from the beginning of the day to the end sounds romantic, but in practice my busy mind is wandering to the many other places and things I could be doing at that moment--correcting papers; cooking; doing laundry; making the bed. I finally gave up and washed some diapers and compromised by plopping down in the unmade bed for an unexpected nap (I wasn't even tired when I went down, I swear!) that lasted 2 1/2 hours. Yikes.

Back to work today and things felt fine. I have to say I have been feeling some "twinges" and am hoping that's a good thing. More acupuncture today made me feel cleansed and mellow--hoping the cool, calm demeanor will rub off on my uterus.

No heavy lifting, no lawn mowing or kitty box scooping (yes!)--I'm barely picking up my own son. He's a heavy doodle these days, so I just let him walk everywhere and climb the stairs on his own and let S. lift him into things like high chairs and cribs.

2 days down, 9 to go.

Transfer the Second

We had Transfer #2 today--both frozen embryos thawed, both were put back. Yikes. Well, it was "yikes" last time and nothing much came of it, so we'll take our chances on yikes.

The lab tech, as she handed us our "certificate" of embryo thaw, said, "and that's it--you've cleaned out the freezer." No more chances. No more embryos (for now). That's that. It feels so--final. But...I had an acupuncture appointment immediately afterward to clear my body of rejection, hopefully, and make the uterus oh-so warm, fuzzy, and welcoming to the embryo guests who will hopefully be settling down for a long term visit.

And now....we wait. You know how it goes. I'm hoping the recent positives out there in lady-land rub off and mean good things for us over here. Everything's crossed on this one.

An Elegy

"The Lake Isle of Innisfree"
by William Butler Yeats

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

For my Grampy--Lake lover and dweller extraordinaire.
August 24, 1929 - September 19, 2009

Grampy and I at his house on Lake Winnepesaukee

Plea for (estrogen patch) Help

I'm sending some feelers out there in the lovely ttc/ivf world to see if anyone by chance has any estrogen patches with an imminent expiration date hanging around. Getting ready for transfer #2 and need the damn things that the clinic had previously been supplying to me free of charge. Who knew they cost $14 a pop? Without insurance covering anything, they are over $375 for a box of 40. Now, who the heck knows how long I'll need them for, and I sure as hell am not going to plop down that amount of cashish only to be not pregnant and not need them and out of the money to boot.

Soooo....I thought I'd try this. I'm going to buy enough to get me through the tww and a little beyond. But I know that we had a crapload leftover after S.'s IVF, and just let them expire. So, so sad--if we had known how expensive they were, we would have quickly donated them.

Many thanks and probably some homemade gift of thank you if anyone by chance is willing and able to donate some.

Because who couldn't use a laugh?

Growing, changing, cleaning

We are god-awful bloggers. The school year's start always knocks us back on our asses for a bit, but then suddenly around weeks 2-3 or so, we look around and feel like, hey, we're actually in a routine of sorts here, which gets us motivated to start at things yet again. For instance, this weekend, we "real cleaned" our whole house (as opposed to fake cleaning where we just pick up and wash a couple of toilets--we're talking the full royal treatment of dusting, vacuuming, picking up, laundry and even re-caulking the bathtub! Woo hoo!). It felt--oddly good. And hey, what else is there to do, really, on a rainy fall afternoon?

Oh, I love saying that...fall afternoon...the phrase just makes me feel gooey inside.

I am such a New England girl, as is S. I heart fall with all its New England magnificence--the apples, the last-of-the-season crops and canning and freezing the harvest, the leaves, the crisp weather, the sweaters. Oh me oh my. Wrap me up in a warm sweater on a sunny, crisp day, point me to some maple trees blazing orange, and put a cup of warm apple cider in my hand and I'm yours.

Though fall is the season where everything prepares for dying, for hibernating, for hunkering down, we're ready to do TTC #2 imminently. Flo finally showed (wasn't sure she would show up on time after last month), and I was cleared to try another transfer with our last remaining two embryos. To say I feel some pressure is an understatement. But...I am trying to keep my cool. I feel great right now. Of course, it's day 2, so naturally I would. As the transfer date nears, assuming all goes well with body, I'm sure I'll be much less cool.

Other thoughts drifting through my mind include: H1N1 vaccine? Anyone getting it? Anyone getting it for their kiddos? We are fairly certain that Theo will not be getting one, and are not sure of ourselves. Luckily for us, he is the only baby at his babysitter's house, but he does go into S.'s school a fair amount. Hmm..what to do, what to do...

Then there's Theo's inevitable bloom into a baby-toddler. Not quite a toddler yet, though toddling is his preferred method of transportation. His first haircut happened last weekend (his cute curls of summer were starting to turn into a rat tail). He babbles and does his version of talking non-stop, is signing away, and out of the blue learned to shake his head "yes." No idea where that one came from!

I wouldn't dream of leaving you without any pics of our burgeoning baby-toddler, so below, Theo on haircut day (free chop courtesy of Meme, S.'s mom and Theo's beloved grandmother. She cut all her kids hair and continues to give free haircuts to anyone who asks!). It was a traumatizing day for us, we won't lie...

Theo pre-cut. Cute whisps, but they get scraggly.

Figuring out the comb.

Mid-cut. We kept him still with crackers.

The final result! Such a big boy, it broke our hearts for a while.

So, where was I?

Remember I said in my last post that I was "getting my body ready for try #2"? Yes. Well. We spent the last few days in NYC eating up a storm. Please, allow me to reveal to you my oh-so healthy diet over the past 4 days.

Breakfasts:
Bagels and cream cheese x3
Coffees (I at least made them decaf!)
Goat cheese & leek crepe

Lunches:
Pork soup dumplings, scallion pancakes, hot & sour soup
Leftover Indian food
Turkey sandwich with nitrate-laden lunch meat

Dinners:
Lamb sandwich & fries
Chicken sandwich & fries
Indian food
Dagwood sandwiches & grilled corn

Desserts:
Grilled peaches & vanilla ice cream
Rice pudding
Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia bar

Yeah. I know some very health-conscious and wicked awesome people are chronicling their adventures in smoothy-and juicy-ness right now, and I am jealous. Like, maybe I should be doing what they're doing, making my body a baby-making temple and all that. But whenever we go back to visit NYC, our visits center on all the awesome food we can only get there and NEED to eat and that doesn't exist in Western Mass. So, now that I've gotten all that out of my system, I am vowing to eat either from my garden, Trader Joe's, or the farmer's market. Any other suggestions for getting me fertile and squeaky-clean?

Well, you're probably wondering what the hell is going on, right? Right. Sorry I disappeared there. I thought I really wanted to share all this, but then I didn't, but now I do again. Confused? So am I.

See, S. and I decided that this summer would be the perfect time to do try to knock me up for the first time. No schedule, no work, no classes, us being teachers and all. We decided a while back that I would be using some of the frozen embryos from S.'s IVF that produced Theo. The sibling would be 100% biologically related, and that meant a lot to both of us. Plus, our donor isn't currently available, so the plan was perfect. Our RE looooved this idea, thought it was great and fabulous and awesome. And, so did we.

So we did it. We had to manipulate my body with birth control pills, but eventually my hormones cooperated, my protocol was followed, and a transfer ensued. Two embryos, by the way, because they are frozen in pairs. Yes, we were petrified of twins, but forged ahead.

And..guess what? I got pregnant!!! And guess what? Now I am not.

I got a great beta number 11 dpt (they were 3-day embryos), then the next beta, not so much. In the meantime, I started cramping a bit, and there was an eeensy-weensy bit of spotting. This is, of course, the day before we are to leave for vacation. Go figure.

We went ahead and left for vacation anyway, and I ended up getting another beta down in RI. The number wasn't good. It was over. I stopped my meds, my patches, and let nature tell me what was going to happen next.

And then it did. Painfully. I was most definitely not pregnant. The beautiful lining I'd been building up for weeks and weeks, plus the implanted embryos, all left me. But it was quick--the bleeding stopped after just 3 days or so. Was it a miscarriage? S. would call it so, but for me, I am loathe to call it that. It was so early, just 4 weeks or so. The word doesn't seem to fit. But, I don't know what else to say, other than--I was pregnant, now I am not.

So now what? Well, we're getting over it (I think we're both fine now), and waiting for my hcg to go back to baseline so I can get the all clear to try again. I am panicked and nerve-wracked over this. We have one more pair of embryos frozen, but the what-if monster keeps running through my head--what-if this doesn't work? Will Theo ever get a sibling? What-if the donor is never available again? What-if, what-if, what-if....

But then again..I got pregnant. Now I know my body can be pregnant. Can it stay pregnant? So...what-if it works this time? I have to stay positive (NOT in my nature, but I'm trying) and just go with the flow, I think.

There is my news. I'm sorry to share it so late. We told literally 3 people about the transfer. I didn't want to have to back track. And as it turned out, I'm glad we told no one, as the backtracking would have been necessary.

Fingers crossed as I get my body prepared for try #2.

I have a lot of things to say and get off my chest-yes, we did something, something happened, but probably not what you're thinking (sorry to be so cryptic--S. is right, I am the quiet one), but right now it's still vacation and I'm not ready to talk yet. So, in the meantime, I will regale you all with photos of what has been a near-perfect week at the beach. Our first week in RI, we stayed in a miniscule cottage on a gorgeous salt-water pond but with voracious mosquitos; now, we are at my parents' summer home in RI, which they haven't used in 15 years because they've been renting it out. This year they reclaimed it for their own personal use. It's still a work in progress, but it's nice to be back here after so many absent summers.

Proof of the fun:


Kayaking on the saltwater pond where our cottage was (S. and I both dumped ourselves out of our respective kayaks on the shore--idiots!)


In the beach pool--Theo was a little intimidated by the shoreline, but loves splashing around in the water and crawling in the sand


Sunset on the beach



Headed down the sand bank



Dinner on the beach at sunset

Theo-boy has at least two enduring loves in his life so far--water and wheels. He'd take wheels over water anytime, but if there's water on the way to his wheels, well, then, that's another matter. If he can have both at once, I daresay he'd be blissfully happy. Someday, I'm sure he'll get a kick out of going through a carwash. For now, we set up a kiddie pool on our patio, and he usually stops and splashes about for a bit en route to the wheels--aka the cars in our driveway. Below, examples of said loves.

Splashing in the pool


Checking out the car


Ouchies bare feet on the driveway (he never seems to care much that there are hundreds of tiny rocks puncturing his feet, but we do!)


Stud-man on Uncle Pete and Aunt Stacey's beloved Subaru. Whose kid is this? Future mechanic? It would come in handy seeing as we just blew $700 on new brakes for our other car.

The Mammas are Amazed

Well, we've finally hit the big one. You know, the big ONE--to the surprise of exactly no one except his mammas, Theodore Lee turns one-year-old today. I know, I know--I won't say much new here that other mammas with suddenly and unexpected one-year-olds haven't already said, but what the....? A year? Seriously? I mean, my baby is a...a...boy. A little, trouble-making boy.

So, what does our one-year-old little boy do? Well, no words yet, except for the usual "Mama" or "Mom" sounds, and "Uh-oh!" when something isn't quite going his way (like right now, he really, really wants the door to the baby gate to open but the darn thing seems to be locked somehow..."Uh-oh!") He does talk, however, and quite emphatically. Something along the lines of "Ahh doo nuh nuh DAAAHH DOOOOW!" He also speaks Parseltongue. (If you never read any Harry Potter, this will make no sense to you whatsoever). I swear when he's looking at his bottle, he whispers sweet nothings to it in a language only he and Voldemort can understand.

He brushes his teeth and can point to his head, mouth, and belly. He does not walk, but cruises ad infinitum and crawls at breakneck pace. If there are a garagefull of toys in the yard, he will completely ignore all the ones that don't have wheels, and then make a bee-line to the gravel driveway where he'll often stand in bare feet (um, ouchies) and do laps around our cars. That boy loves him some big wheels.

I could go on and on about the things he does that exactly no one else would find interesting except for us, so I'll just stop it all and again stare in disbelief at my one-year-old and be continually awed by his progress and stare in wonder as I attempt to catch just one single moment of him today--turning a year. Happy Birthday (no-longer-baby) Theo!

Birthday Boy!

We had Theo's Birthday party this weekend. This was the invite for his luau:We ended up with a beautiful day (after a rainy morning), delicious food (and authentic thanks to my dad), and tons of family and friends (including C's dad - first time ever). It was the best best day. I had a intense "I'm the mom" moment when I had to cut the cake. It's always a task I give away gladly to whatever mom is in charge. Oh, that's me.













My mom made the cake and Theo ate it!!
















And loved it!!!! And now, our family room looks like a toy store....lucky lucky boy. Even luckier mommas.

I'd like a second helping, please.

There's a resurgence of babymaking going on these days. I love it. I'm not saying the BFPs are rolling in yet...but there could be second babies in homes next year. We've got the ladies making famblys , the two moms are at it again and the O family's growing too. Oh look at the optimism back in my voice. You think the years of trying, the countless BFNs and the jaded outlook would come storming back - but I'm remarkably calm. I'm not sure why - maybe time has healed the wounds or maybe because it's because it's not my body, so there's more faith. I'd hoped C. would talk more about it, but she's a quiet one. I respect that. We balance each other out in that way. If it were me I'm sure you'd be hearing about my cooch much more often. Lucky you.

That's crazy ladies. Siblings. Yikes. Is Theo ready for that?

Here's my new favorite picture of my bruiser. Watch out baby!

-S.

Why didn't someone tell us that traveling with a baby is so exhausting? Between the many hours in the car, the constant following him around a non-babyproofed houses, trying to see and do it all (our own fault) and the not sleeping so well in a pack-n-play, we are worn-ass-out. Theo was so relieved to get home and play and crawl around with his toys, and us...we were happy to sit and watch.
Lest I leave you with the impression that we didn't have a FABULOUS time...
Highlights of trip in pictures:

Theo at the Capitol building

Theo's favorite part of Camden Yards

While Cousin J. says "Go, O's!" we know the Sox rock!


The weather was perfect, the company even better. We had a great visit to Philly and Baltimore. What a great way to kick off summer!

-sp

I want to be a better, more active part of this community. I started with a little bloggy facelift (nothing ground-breaking, so don't feel like those of you reading in a feed need to click over!) I intend to comment more and post more often. Lofty. Plus, things are about to get a little more interesting. bah bah bhum...that should keep you coming back.

I'm not finished tweaking here...l'll take into account some of C's opinions too. For one, I'm not sure I want a blog roll, since I have them all in Reader. And, from here on, we will sign our entries, as our colors didn't all transfer with us, depending on the template I picked.

All aboard!

Oh yeah. What brought on this sudden burst of energy and committment? The beginning of summer and the last day of school! YAHOO.

The seasons a-changing

I'm counting on the solstice to turn some things around for us over here in cute baby town.

Spring was tough. I usually love the season, with lilacs and birthdays and all that. I went into hibernation a bit. Too much to handle with Meme's death, Auntie Rita's death, my mom's deep sadness, Ringo's death, fear of the pink slip at work, eventual involuntary transfer notice from a school I adore and the class from hell (yes, I don't blog much about work, but it was BY FAR the most challenging (aka pain-in-the-ass) group I have taught in 11 years.) Between weddings and funerals, we have had no time at home to just be outside in the garden. And the rain, the fucking rain.

Summer is coming. 1/2 day of school left. I am teaching summer school but it is a much lighter load of children and classes meet only 3 hours/day 4 days/week. We have things to look forward to. Theo's FIRST birthday. 4th of July with friends. Red Sox in Camden Yards with cousin Jackson. A week on the beach. Time to garden. Teeth coming, more words, more laughing. Time together.

And a big one...continued ttc. I'm not sure how to talk about this one. We have some IRL readers these days. C. may not be ready to share this info. I'll follow her lead I guess. We would really miss out on the camaraderie and support of this community though, especially when we need it the most. Perhaps a move to Wordpress where we can password protect? Has that been good for people? I've never been into total anonymity, but I don't want to let it hang out there either.

It's good to be back. Hope you're still there.

Well...yes, yes, here come the excuses. It's the end of the school year (teachers should know this excuse is sufficient enough!). We've been busy traveling--a wedding last weekend, another funeral the week before, believe it or not (S.'s grandmother's sister). It's just been---crazy. Guess what we get to do this weekend? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. And we will love every second of it. We have "plans" already (apparantly we cannot sit still) -- working in the yard will be a MUST this weekend. That lawn won't mow itself. Although the weather in New England has been less than inspiring to get out in the yard and work this week, we did manage to pick some radishes and lettuce from our garden, which is a tease for all the other bounty to come. If only the sun would come out, maybe the other veggies could actually GROW!

I'll leave you with some beach pics of Theo--his first trip there with our friend S. down on the shore in Connecticut. It was a beautiful weekend for hanging on the beach, although the water hasn't quite warmed up yet. Theo was a fan, but not so much of his sunhat. That fair-haired boy will need one stitched onto his head this summer or have his hair doused in sunscreen.

Sand in the mouth? It doesn't taste so bad!

Mom, do I really have to wear this stupid hat?!

Red, White and Cute

Memorial Day. We have a five-minute-long parade that comes down our street, but we get out our red, white, and blue anyway. You can see Theo enjoys his American paraphernalia.

Way too long of a week

This week has been a tough one for us, which accounts for our long stretch of silence. (I know there's always an excuse somewhere embedded in our lives now with a little monster crawling/climbing/cruising around.) We endured a couple of losses since Monday, both of which have taken a toll on us. First, S. lost her precious Meme, her grandmother who was the most loving lady around. She loved and accepted me from the beginning, and absolutely adored Theo. She was a very, very special person to everyone, and her passing hit us hard.

Then, the next day (I'm not even joking--you can't make this stuff up) .... our dog died. Yes, our doggy love, Ringo. We've blogged many-a-time about little Ringo. He was an incredibly special dog. He came from Animal Control in Brooklyn and leaped right into our life from the second we saw him in that shelter. He was the loviest dog ever--and he so loved Theo! Ringo was protective of him from the second we brought him home from the hospital--chasing the cat away, and just seeming to understand that he was a special something to care for. He never barked, he always ate Theo's food mess off the floor (the best vacuum cleaner!), and loved everyone. His heart just stopped--he was sick for some time, but the timing of it all just seems so unfair.

We are still devastated over our losses. It is strange to think we won't see Meme the next time we go to visit S.'s aunt (she lived there), and it still feels a bit still at our house with no little white fluff ball underfoot (Theo doesn't count). So, we're moving on, slowly.

I must not neglect S.'s birthday in all of this chaos, which is today. We had an impromptu family party yesterday with ice cream cake--yummmmmmmy!

I love you, doll. Happy Birthday. Sleep in as long as you want, then we're making you breakfast.

My man has rhythm!!!

I miss New York. As I sit in our UES rental apartment and I can just imagine my fantasy life. I want to be a lunching lady! I want to meet my friends, from RCDS, MHC, and beyond and have lunch with our small children followed by a playdate at our gorgeous apartments. Of course in my fantasy we own this posh apartment, we don't work, and our children are always well-behaved. :)

I don't even really care that our vacation is being rained out. I love feeling like I live here again. We even ordered in from Falafel House - this tiny hole-in-the-wall by our old 91st street apartment. Our aparment, by the way, is rocking. It's on the 17th floor of a great doorman building. It has huge beautiful windows and a balcony. Perfect. Oh, and every little boy deserves a huge bathtub.

I had a great day. Here's proof.

And we're off...

Bright lights, Big city.

I am mom - hear me roar!

Easter day - let me set the scene. My parent's house, usual relatives are there - meme, aunts, cousins, cousin's cute, lovable, but crazy children. Before brunch. Theo dressed to the nines.

Everyone enjoying each other's company, as it has been a long time. 

I go talk to my cousin and cousin-in-law who are holding Theo and they keep turning away from me. Finally, I get around and I see what they are hiding from me. They are FEEDING MY SON A FUCKING COOKIE. Yes, an anise cookie with frosting and sprinkles. My son who gets carefully chosen, organic, homemade babyfood. Is eating a cookie. The mom came out in me. It was fucking ferocious. I yell, in front of everyone (me - who usually pushes just about everything under the rug until it boils up inside of me and spills out on C.), "I am beyond pissed - give me him!" and run to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I was literally shaking with fury as I cleaned him up. 

It pissed me off on so many levels. It's beyond the cookie-eating. For five years, I have watched her be a mother as she gives her kids candy (1 1/2 year old ate jellybeans like there was no tomorrow), cookies, and junk from morning to night. Smokes through pregnancy and around them. Spanks them when she's fed up. And judge, yes I did. But I never said or did anything because what I think doesn't really matter. I respected her as the mother. Not a good one..but the mother. And she couldn't pay that same respect back. She KNEW I wouldn't give him a cookie but thought she knew better??? wtf?

After her apology when I told her that if she was confused about why we eat and feed Theo organically I would explain it to her, she called me weird. Ignorant.

The sprinkles? All down his brand new Easter outfit. I know...lame reason to be mad, but goddamnit I like my kid to look neat. No boogey faces, wild hair and stained dresses here.

And how about possible egg allergies? Refined sugar before one year of age? 

And you know what? It should have been us who gave him his first cookie. It should have been us who enjoyed that big smile, eager eyes and wild tongue that couldn't get enough of the sweetness. 

Here he is Easter morning with the bunny from his basket!

-S.

p.s. We found a place in NYC (on the UES, our old neigborhood)! Yippee! Coming Sunday, leaving Thursday if anyone's up for a playdate!

Know any New Yorkers leaving the city any time between April 19-25? Know any cheapish hotels? Anyone wanting to see the Northampton area/foothills of the Berkshires? We're coming into town with a very good family friend to do some college tours and our usually home sweet city home is a little crowded for us now with friend and baby. Just 2 or 3 days we are looking for. Let me know if you can help us out. 

On another note. I want to emphatically state what everyone already knows. Being a working mom is so hard. I thought I was going to lose it last week and ended up taking a "mental health" day on Friday. Between school work (report cards go home on Thursday), housework (book club meets here on Wednesday), meal planning (for us, Theo and the book club), errands (out of disposables, wipes, and organic cheerios), yardwork (raking, deadheading, planting peas) and not sleeping (4am wake-ups thanks to a tooth), I was highly stressed and couldn't see when it would all get done. I'm definitely feeling better now that the weekend is over. When I have so many things on my plate I don't know what to concentrate on. I get overwhelmed too easily I think. Between the two of us, we were able to get just about everything done - and even enjoyed Sushi out last night. Breath deep... here comes another week.

 

I leave you with the doodlebug and his doggy who he has come to know and love.

wham bam whoo yah!

Those would be my words for Iowa on this very lovely, historic day. Let us hope and wish and pray (if you are inclined to do so) we don't see a Prop 8-style repeat. Brick by brick, my friends..

In other news, Theo's first tooth officially broke on through last Thursday. Then he got sick. Madness and poor sleeping habits swiftly followed. It's not been a fun week. But, it's over. That's about as much as I can say about it. Good thoughts for the next week, until the next tooth (or cold) may come.

You are my sunsine...

Most of you will think I'm a terrible mama for thinking this is funny. But I crack up every time I watch it. It started off so sweetly with TJ singing to Theo and the ending was just so unexpected - for Theo, TJ and the mama's. And I love "sowwy" and kiss. TJ is Theo's "fake cousin" and his bff - we heart TJ to death. Everyone was fine like ONE minute later. I promise.

CD & SP + 8

Carrie over at Eat, Poop, Love had a great post a couple of days ago about the TLC show "Jon and Kate plus 8" and how disgustingly commercial and gross the whole show has become. She also touched upon how controlling and distasteful the mother is--I think every commenter agreed that the show has gone out of control. Suddenly, having a million kids is very trendy. See Brangelina, Madonna, et. als. for adoption/out of control reproduction problems. Then there's the horrid "18 Kids and Counting: The Duggars," also on TLC. Let's not even get into the octo-mama thing...

It seems everywhere people are having gaggles of children and we are endlessly fascinated by them. I thought this whole discussion was rather appropriate given our recent stressing out over the number of children we'd like to have in our family (as in, should we have 1 or 2, not should we have 4 or 8). Then this morning on NPR, I heard this rather amazingly disgusting story of the Quiverfull Movement. Yes, it's biblical. Yes, it's the idea of "be fruitful and multiply." And it's also the "God will tell us when we've had enough children" theory. Oh, and don't forget the "We're building a Christian Army" part of it. Yikes. (If you listened to this story, I'm sure you'll especially like the bit where a woman claimed in just three generations they could take over urban centers that have gone astray like San Francisco!)

So okay, I admit that I am vaguely jealous of these women's obviously amazing fertility and ability to grow and deliver healthy children. Apart from that, I'm just sort of grossed out by the whole gaggle of children concept--especially these days. I know I'm being judgemental, but it is just not fair to the Earth to have these many kiddos running around. What a resource suck.

Just my thought for the day. I know I sound bitter and rude but, hey, some days I just am.

Theo is 8 months old today. woh.

It's interesting that I haven't posted many updates on the breastfeeding situation. Please recall the breastfeeding dilemma I have been in from day one. I never got enough supply to sustain him, so most of his nutritional intake is from formula. However, I kept up what I could for the health/brain benefits as well as the comfort. Plus, I liked it. Lately he's been nursing before bed and first thing in the morning. I envisioned myself a extended breastfeeding kinda woman...alas...

I pulled the plug. I stopped pumping. I've dutifully pumped everyday for 8 months even though I get paltry amounts. It used to be every time I fed him (even in the middle of the night). Then I went back to work so I was just pumping 3-4 times when I was home. Eventually it dwindled down to once, after I fed him at night. I decided to stop pumping because he self-weaned out of his evening feedings. At this point, he wants the bottle because it's faster and easier. I'm lucky he didn't do this sooner. My supply has diminished to just about nothing (I also stopped the d*mperidone). He isn't interested at night and he was just vaguely piqued this morning.

I worked really hard at breastfeeding. I would call myself a success. Even though he's a formula baby. My first goal was to get breast milk into him everyday for 3 months. Check. Then make it 6 months. Check. My next was 9. I don't know if we'll get there. We have a few weeks left of frozen breastmilk - stored from many tiny amounts acquired while pumping. In my heart, I was hoping for a year. I'm sad it's just about over.

I had such a tumultuous relationship with the entire process. I'm jealous of women who can just whip-it-out and sustain their baby. I'm bitter with women who can and choose not too. I did what I hope was best for Theo. I tried my damndest.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

I felt a little flip-floppy in my stomach as we rode the elevator up to that office again. Already, we were informed that our doctor was running one hour behind. We pulled the bitch mom move: "We have to leave at 4:00 to bring him to swimming and we both left early from work." Yeah, that line. It sort of worked. I still didn't see the doc until 4:20 or so (my appointment was for 3:20), but S. got to come in and show Theo off to our most favorite and understanding ultrasound tech in the world, at the very least, then split with Theo for his swim class.

Okay, so the meaty part. Our doc loved the idea of doing a FET for me. She said, hey, we're paying to have these embryos stored, so why the hell not?? While we both knew insurance would not cover a FET for me, she informed me of the price---let's just say it is about the same cost as 4 IUIs with frozen donor sperm. And no signifigant army of meds - stuff that co-pays will probably actually apply to. Two yucky procedure--the shg and hsg--but even those will (fingers cross, knock on wood) probably be covered.

Waaahhh? Seriously? That's IT?! That was basically my reaction. Not that I am foolish enough to think this will be "easy." Frozen embryo transfers have only about a 25-30% success rate, a 70% thaw rate, and I will probably have to transfer 2 embryos. Our feelings on this is..well..sort of distressing, actually. We only put one embryo back for Theo on the doc's recommendation, and we really do trust her, so if she says she would probably want us to do two, I guess that's it. The yoyos are frozen in pairs, but they don't have to put two back. That is ultimately our choice. But....

..I don't know. So we've apparantly just gone from wondering about having two to figuring out WTF we'd do with three.

And let me tell you, she was ready to sign me up to start right then and there. Walking out the door she said "Welcome Back"! with quite the gleeful smile. Is the economic downturn hititng the infertility business as well or what?!

So that's that. We're not necessarily anywhere closer to an answer now than we were when I spewed off my anxiety about having another kiddo. But, at least we feel armed with the information we need to make that decision.

Thanks for your comments and thoughts on only vs. siblings. I loved hearing about your stories from childhood and to find out that many of you have stressed/are stressing over the same decisions.

On My Mind

Before we actually had Theo, we were 100% positive we wanted two kids. Each of us has one other sibling in varying years of separation (S. is 3 years older than her bro, me 7 years older than my sis), and we were sure we would want a sibling withint 2 years of Theo.

Hence our appointment with the RE tomorrow to talk business, particularly regarding doing a frozen embryo transfer with me as the carrier (Is that the right term? That kind of makes me feel like a pigeon!).

But lately, we've been thinking..how the hell would we do it with two? We are exhausted constantly (blissfully so, but still, exhausted nonetheless). S. can barely make it out of the house with one. We go many places with Theo and it seems that adding to the pot would only make us pull our hair out more. We've watched as S's cousin with an almost-three-year-old and almost-one-year-old twin girls has been run around ragged by her brood. She handles them amazingly, don't get us wrong, but we know how exhausting it is. And she has a shitload of help with those kids and we really don't--it's our babysitter during the school day and that is really it for caretakers on a regular basis.

So, what are some pros and cons of having an only child? Well, as teachers, both S. and I do notice a difference with only children. They can be...well...I don't know...I do not want to sound off -putting, but perhaps only children are a bit more..entitled? Ach, it's delicate, I know. I am just speaking from experience, and S. has occasionally seen the same thing in her little kids. One of my high school friends that I shared the most drama with was an only and her mother's interference in her day-to-day life confounded me. It was like, jeesh, doesn't she have anything better to do?

Of course I know better now, in retrospect. At the time, not being an only, I didn't really get it. I get it now.


And then on the other hand, our neighbor is an only child, and she is Theo's future babysitter, remarkably smart, cute, and nice, and is super-close to both her parents. She is wonderful. And they have traveled all over the country with her from a young age.

Is it selfish to have another? We have so many more resources to give when there's only one to give them to.

So, what to do? Do we cut our losses and raise Theo solo?? He has plenty of cousins around to play with. We could be happy with just him. But would we be missing out on even more happiness by not having another baby??

This is just what's on my mind. I'll let you know how the RE appointment goes tomorrow. Yikes.

Yeah right, mom!

Just to throw my last post back in my face, I'm sure, Theo has decided to be a fuss bucket at unusual times--including 4 in the a.m. I can only guess that teeth are coming. Poor dude! Poor mommies!

I'm sure he did that just to remind me that babies are unpredictable in every imaginable way.

What teeth gel, if any, did you guys use when your little ones started teething? We bought this "100% natural" homeopathic stuff only to find that there is parabens in it. We're looking for something a bit less...icky. Any suggestions? 

Random Ramblings

My kid still amazingly still has no teeth. No sign whatsoever except all the drooling. But I suppose we should be happy that we don't have that awful poor teething sad cry going on quite yet.

Theo is loving food--we had to put blueberries on hiatus for now because they are ridiculously messy and stain stuff (duh!), so we've moved on to pears. Yummy, juicy, clear pears.

We occasionally watch random vintage Sesame Street clips on YouTube (prompted by my spontaneously remembering all of the words to  song I haven't heard in 25 years-it's an odd talent I have), and found this one surprising. I guess I always knew that Sesame Street's thing was to be inclusive and appreciate diversity, but when I heard the girl sing "I've got one daddy, I've got two" I almost dropped to the floor. And the best part is, I knew all the words to that song as a kid and it never registered as strange or stood out to me, ever. 

Gotta love Sesame Street. Damn liberal left-wing media agenda!!

Slow News Day

We are negligent bloggers, there is just no getting around that anymore. The most I can bare to do most of the time is post pictures of Theo. I know that is sort of satisfactory for some, but not for me. There was a time when this blog was one of the only outlets we had for our frustration. This is not to say that our frustrations have ended, and indeed I will make good use of you all again as sounding boards when our next TTC frustration (because isn't TTC always a frustrating experience?) exhausts me and nooneunderstandsbutyou!!

So, in the meantime, knowing that frustration is peeking out from behind a tree up the road, I'll leave you with these pics. Mealtime is far from blissful, but Theo does usually enjoy himself, which keeps his mamas happy for sure. He's only sort of got the hang of the food bag, in which we've stuffed some blueberries for munching. Yummy! 

Free Time

We've heard that six months is a tough age for the little babes. Alas we do find that vaguely true over in babymaking town. Poor T is drooling an ocean over those tiny teeth that just haven't broken through to the other side yet. No sign whatsoever except for the shiny face and chapped, slimy hands.

I would say the best thing about six months, though, is trying all the new food. It is awesomely fun, and I really don't get why people buy baby food in jars. I mean, I probably saved like 500% on baby food this month and I still paid $5 for two organic avocados, $4 for an organic sweet potato, less than $2 for a bag of organic peas, and $2.50 for a bunch of organic bananas. At 80-something cents a pop for a jar of organic baby food, I would say I have myself a bargain. Making baby food is definitely beyond the thrill of the bargain for us, though. We like knowing we prepared everything especially for T--we picked it out, peeled it, washed it, mashed it--is this really too much trouble for some people? I get if you're traveling or something, but jeesh.

Okay, enough about my food tirade. I think I'm just feeling so sad for the little dude and his teeth that will not be. Soon soon, I know. As long as everything else stays the same forever and ever I'm good. Like sleeping, for instance. Sleeping can stay. We like sleep--all of us.

We had reached an impasse with our cloth diapers in December. They were constantly leaking, the babysitter kind of stopped using them, and we were just generally unhappy for them. We recommitted in 2009, did some more research about our possible issues, and seem to be back on track. He still can't sleep overnight in them, though---anyone have a good solution for heavy overnight wetters?

Oh, the things I think about now in my free time...

Goals for 2009

I don't like to make New Year's resolutions. I know it's a month past New Year's already, so this is coming incredibly late, but I thought I would start ruminating about this now. This year, I'd like to read more, move more, perhaps move out of my town, and get pregnant. Yes, it's time to start thinking about #2...

I think we have to start thinking about this now because family planning when there's money involved is, well, just more difficult than your run-of-the-mill hetero family planning. I'm sure their's goes something like this: "So, want to have a baby soon?" "OK, let's have sex and see what happens." "Okay, great!"

I know that is an exaggeration and I am NOT insinuating that it is always that easy for heteros to get pregnant. I know it's not and that it can be just as stressful (and expensive!) But after watching S. go through 13 insemination unsuccessfully, I just don't know what is going to lie ahead for me. I'm the same age now as S. was when she started, just about. However, she was incredibly regular--I'm not. I'm also not entirely convinced that don't I have some sort of cyst-situation going on in there that may need to be looked at and resolved before we can start trying.

And then there's this-----it's important to us that Theo has a biological sibling, so do we go with using our donor and my egg, or one of his frozen brothers or sisters sitting in the hospital where we had our IVF? Right now, the donor is not available, but may be in the future--but they don't know when. This is not good. Will it be in a year? A month? Never?? But Theo's brothers and sisters are available right here, right now, for the one-time cost of a FET. But what if it doesn't work and then there's no donor sperm left? What if what if what if what if????????

Clearly we have a lot to work out. What I do know is that it is day 17 of my cycle and I haven't freaking ovulated yet, according to the monitor. WTF?! This is not a promsing start, but I'm going to be positive until we meet with our RE in March. I can, will, and do ovulate. I can be and am regular. I can get pregnant this year.

Most likely you will not hear me talk about this again until our meeting with the RE. I just wanted to put it out there and get it off my chest. So there you go.

I love this kid's hair. I did NOT style this faux hawk--this is 100% natural!

Kidneys: The Update

We took the boy in for his unpleasant procedure this morning. All in all, I would say he did great considering they shoved a catheter up his nether-regions and left it there to watch him pee on screen! However, there was very good news that came out of it all---no reflux! AKA, the pee is not going back in, just going out like it's supposed to.

So now we're on an every-six-month ultra-sound and check-up schedule. Hey, we'll take it. It also means we won't have to give him antibiotics everyday to ward off possible UTIs that come with reflux--not a prospect we were exactly looking forward to. We don't even use antibacterial soap!!! 

Anyway, it's all a non-issue (for now) and hopefully in six months it will disappear completely. Honestly, we didn't think it was reflux because this beastly child pees SO MUCH, that to think any way going back in would mean that there wouldn't be a diaper available to hold all that liquid!

So, pee away, little Theo, pee away! 

Happy Half-Birthday Theo!

The grand finale is totally worth it!

My baby is 6 months old today. How did that happen?

Yay for democracy!

We dressed Theo in his red, white, and blue tie-dye shirt today, but he promptly managed to poop all over it by the end of the morning. Hope that's not an omen of some kind...

Smiles and cheers all around for OUR new President!

Stroller Whores

Well, we gave being baby minimalists our best shot, but to our chagrin we are now the owner of 4, count 'em FOUR strollers. In our own defense, I feel obligated to talk about each of them and their individual functions:

-Snap-n-go for infant carrier--so very handy when Theo was a wee lad and didn't mind being in the car seat. Now the straps hardly fit around him (even though it's supposed to go to 30 lbs.) so we need another solution since we'll be switching to the big car seat very soon.  

-Large Peg Pereggo - purchased before Theo was born for a steal on Craigslist. More drawn by its designer-ness (though we know this pales in comparison to the Bugaboos, Stokkes, etc.) than its functionality, we took it out for the first time last weekend. We loved the roominess for our huge dude and the versatility of the seat positions. Storage compartment gets a thumbs down, though.

-Umbrella Stroller - We got this as a shower gift. When he's older, it will be good, although I know it has pretty much zero support.

- Peg Pereggo Aria - a one-handed, extremely lightweight version of our Cadillac Escalade of strollers up there. It's awesome. We think we like it better than the big Peg, although we just bought it yesterday, again as a steal off of Craigslist. Ahh, Craigslist...

There is a real reason we bought that last one. Theo goes to a babysitter's house every day, and every day he is strolled there in his infant carrier since our sitter lives across the street from S.'s school. Sooner rather than later, little Theo is going to get a big-boy car seat, which means the end of the Snap-n-go. The Aria will stay at school with S., and go back and forth to the sitter's house every day. So it's almost like we don't even own that last stroller, since we won't be traveling with it or really even using it. 

Okay, I just had to get that off of my chest. Please don't judge me for my excessive baby gear! 

all things medical

Some of you may recall way back in the day of 20-week ultrasounds, they found an irregularity in the baby's kidney. Well, that baby turned out to be Theo, and the irregularity still exists. We just went to a pediatric urologist hoping to have him wave us a way saying "see? I told you it would resolve by itself..." But no, Theo has Grade 2 (1 being best, 5 the worst) hydronephrosis of the left kidney and needs a VCUG, which is a catheter inserted into his penis, dye injected into his bladder, all on ultrasound so they can see which way the fluid is moving. Hopefully, not toward his kidneys. I know this will give us an answer once and for all if anything is wrong, but I don't want him to go through this. hmph. 

On another note, he's covered in patches of an excema-like rash. We have a call into the pediatrician. It doesn't seem to bother him, but it's all over his belly, spotty on his back, the back of his knees, his neck. Poor little doodle. We've been spreading Aqu@phor on him pretty liberally. My worry is that it is a sign of food allergy. We started rice cereal on Christmas - he was 5 months and sooooo ready. That kid was born to eat. 

Oh yeah, 19lbs2oz. Big doodle.

Any advice, experience, concerns????