Where do I put it all?

My mom threw us a family shower last weekend. As nervous and distressed as I was over the whole thing, I have to admit, it went quite well and wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it might be. It helped to have my cousin's 2-year old there for comic relief and to take the spotlight away from me. She kept asking if my baby was coming today and I replied that "No, it's still busy growing in my belly. It's not ready to come out yet." Response? "How'd you eat that?" :) She's a firecracker that one.
I was surprised how well people were able to get the "gist" of "us" by looking at our registry. We're picky, we know that...and don't really make excuses for it. We like what we like. People were thoughtful and generous with gifts. My cousin gave us a whole cloth diapering kit, even though she would never consider using them herself. Another cousin's wife gave us a basket with a food mill and organic kids cookbook, glass dish and spoons etc. It really made me feel respected and loved. On the flip side (very few of these,) if you're not going to put thought into a gift...why would you shop and not use the registry? No - diaper genies are not good for cloth diapers. I pledge to always follow the registry...people register because it's what they want - I get it now!

On another note...I crossed the line from shiny happy pregnant to tired achy angry pregnant. The baby is sitting on my sciatic nerve, making it difficult to walk, nevermind keep up with first graders - I can do anything for 8 1/2 more days!!!!

Happenings

So, what's the happenings, you might be asking. Well, for starters, there are three weeks left of school and six weeks left to this pregnancy. Oh my.

Next, we bought some powdered Ch@rlie's Soap for our diapers. I'm experimenting with it using our own clothes because I have a phobia of powdered detergent stemming from my days I lived in England and they mostly used powder. Since I was a dumb American and accustomed to liquid, I always put too much powder into the drum and the soap residue was always all over my clothes. But..I think I get it now. I was using waaaay too much!

We had our breastfeeding class. It was good. Mostly things we knew, some we didn't. The teacher was a bit scatterbrained as well as a little bit sexist since she claimed men burp babies differently from women. Apparently, men burp babies by holding them like a puppy, face down, while women tend to put the baby over their shoulder to tap the back gently. I guess I fell into this stereotype since I automatically threw the semi-life-like breastfeeding babydoll right over my shoulder as the men put the babies in their laps or, yes, even held them like dogs.

It led me to wonder if the presence of a lesbian couple is ticking off the other couples in the class. Our instructor only says "partner", not husband. Even the couples will correct themselves and adjust their language to "partner." I guess I don't feel bad about it or anything, since we are taking the class in one of the gay-friendliest little cities in this whole big country, not to mention in a state where I am legally married to my wife. If you're uncomfortable with "partner," move out. I don't sense any discomfort from any of the other couples in the class so maybe I'm just being paranoid. I am, after all, the only female partner in the room!

Breathe in....

...And breathe out. Our birthing class focused a lot of relaxation tonight, helping baby mama through contractions with massage, breathing, etc. Then we learned about drugs. Quite possibly, if this is even possible, the epidural sounds more frightening than natural childbirth. I think S. felt the same way.

This post is really a reminder to myself to just OMMMMMMMM......really, try it. It feels great! Or just scream, or sigh, or moan. Any noise to relieve stress. The vibrations in your chest do relieve tension--it's not just a hippy-dippy yoga thing! Ommm on this weekend, everyone!

Busy and Sniffing

How could it have been over TWO years that we've been writing this blog?! That is insane. I was vaguely thinking that we had missed our "blogiversary" and I was right. Oh well--many, many, many things going on in our lives, so many so that even blogging has seemed to take a back seat. I think we have something happening nearly every day of the week until baby arrives. That is just not right. I'm hoping Memorial Day weekend, when we're supposed to be planting our garden, will be a relaxing one--you know, after my sister's graduation and S.'s 10-year college reunion are over with!

I will leave you with a lovely 32-week belly shot. S.'s favorite flowers to sniff are lilacs, and the baby likes them, too!

This n' That

Well, many things going on, mostly boring, but I felt I needed to write a new post before you'd all written us off as lazy bloggers. Plus, at this stage of the pregnancy, no news for long stretches can be worrisome. So! In a nutshell and quickly, since we're off for the weekend:

1.) We've started childbirth classes and we're the only queer couple. This is fine, except last night the "birth mothers" got together in a small group and the "partners" in another, and since I was obviously the only female partner, I felt more than a little awkward. Luckily the men all seemed kind of too shy to talk much, so I did the talking for them.

2.) We went to our first Annual Town Meeting (ahh, New England!) on Monday. Suffice to say it will probably be my last. It was an eye-opener, though. Many people are unhappy funding public education to the regional school district and were unsupportive of public education in general. As two public ed. teachers, we were seething but kept our traps shut lest we make the meeting any longer. It made us think, do we really want to raise and school our kid in this town?

3.) Our awesome NY friend, also S., who now lives in CT, is throwing us a baby shower tomorrow. And..

4.) Tomorrow is S.'s (my S.) birthday. Happy happy day, my lovely, on your last birthday before baby comes into our lives. I love you and wish you many happy returns!

Laundry?!

When I see my future with my baby, I see....laundry. This is mostly because we are doing cloth diapering and I know we'll be doing a load of nasty diapers pretty near every two days or so, in addition to dirty clothes, burp cloths, etc. Our one dilemma, though, is that we are really torn about what kind of detergent to use with the diaps. Powdered? Liquid? We do have a front-loader washer, if that makes a difference. I am casting a net out to cloth diapering mamas to ask what works best, what their laundry routine is, etc. The whole diaper pail thing is stumping us, too. We scored a $20 Simple Human slimline trashcan that we love, but will it keep out the stink?

So many questions--and I know we'll develop our own methods as time goes on, but I at least want a starting point. Suggestions?!

Have you noticed..

I am 30 weeks pregnant. Making me 3/4 of the way finished with pregnancy, nearing the end. gulp. It's starting to feel very real. Real as in, I'm going to have a baby. My own baby. I have approximately 10 weeks left. 10 weeks goes by fast. Really fast. Um, we haven't even started birthing classes - next week thank goodness! And at the rate we've been going here in blogland - it could be less then 10 weeks.

Hard Day: Update

Well--the student died yesterday afternoon. Somehow, after it stopped raining and the sun came out, I knew it. I got a phone call last night from my department head confirming this. It is sad, to say the least. Our principal got on our morning announcements TV show (yes, we have a TV studio in our school--it's quite cool) to announce it, give students permission to leave the class when they felt necessary, and have a moment of silence. Surprisingly, all but one (a very close friend of the victim) of my seniors came to 1st period today. I was amazed at their strength. I said we didn't have to do what I had planned, but they wanted to--and were okay. We read 17th century poems about sex and getting girls. They laughed. It was nice. My other kids were mellow-ish, one was blatantly disrespectful and rude, and the other, the class where I will be teaching the brother of the deceased, well..they are immature freshmen who weren't handling their grief too well, I think, but we talked about it.

At any rate, I feel like the kids are alright today, thanks to some action they took that made them feel better--a vigil last night, passing out white ribbons to wear today--sometimes kids really amaze me. They handled this with such grace and respect. And now I'm done being a downer, because the mattress we won is coming our way! Woo hoo!!

Oh, and thank you for the stories you shared about your personal experiences with loss as a student--they really did help me figure out what I was going to do today.

Good News, Sad News

Today we have some great stuff happening on the good news front, the first of which is that S.'s baby sugars came back normal!!! That is a major relief. The second is that S. has been entering on-line contests like mad and we actually won one, and it's big----an organic crib mattress! Can you believe it?! We had registered for one, and my mom was going to buy it, but now she can spend her money on baby in other ways. We are overjoyed! The third piece of good tidings is that S.'s cousin K. delivered her twins Friday and they are ridiculously tiny and cute, and mom is doing well. Yay yay yay.

On the sad news front, I am learning how to deal with teenage grief and loss as two of the seniors in the high school I teach at were in a serious car accident over the weekend, and one will probably not make it. I teach the younger brother of the boy who will probably not make it, plus a class of already-grieving seniors and I just really don't know what to do. I have never been faced with a situation like this as an educator, and it's hard enough to keep it together myself, let alone be a pillar of strength the kids can feel comfortable and safe around. How do I do this? I am so saddened for the school, the family, my student who will potentially lose his only brother--when you see these tragedies on the news, they seem so remote, so distant. You feel sadness for the families of the lost children, but never truly realize the impact this loss will have upon the faculty, other students, and the community at large. I don't pray, but I am sending good vibes out into the universe for this family and our school. I can be nothing but sad.

The pessimist is back...

This has been, by far, the worst week of my pregnancy. I sort of feel like I've been waiting for this shoe to drop. TTC was so hard that it seemed unreal that pregnancy was so easy.

First, we had our second ultrasound and the kidney issue has not resolved itself as of yet. The right kidney is measuring too large (the perinatalogist said it was measuring a 7 - 7, what? I don't have the foggiest. And the left, which is fine, is measuring a 5.) She said the baby will need to have its kidneys looked at right after birth and that we should come back for one more check before delivery. ugh. This issue could resolve on its own within 2 years, but we will need to be super alert for signs of infection. Or...it could be worse. I'm staying away from Dr. G00gle this time but the technical term is something like the kidney pelvis dilation.

Second, I failed the stupid one hour baby sugar test by the tiniest bit and now I have to waste 4 hours of my last vacation day at the hospital taking the three hour test. And I can't eat before. Hungry, hospital, bored, blood taken every hour - this is not the making of a good day. Damn gestational diabetes. Damn you.

Third, the lady who is supposed to teach our childbirth class is giving us the run around and I'm afraid I'll give birth before our class is even over. As of now, we'll be going until week 37. What!!??

Just so you know it's not all bad, we spent a lovely weekend in NYC. We walked, ate, shopped and checked out the new G@p Home for nursery stuff. We bought this adorable organic pea pod chew toy. Look, the baby is already playing with it. A lovely day. One person even offered me her seat on the subway. That felt nice.

Well it has just been too long since our last post so I figured we were due. I don't have any overly-thrilling news to report, other than the baby kicking me when I give S. a hug. That kid is still rocking and rolling like crazy in there! After we learned that Erin and Sara's water broke almost a full three weeks early, we realized that, now in our third trimester, it is entirely possible for the same thing to happen to us some time in the near future. The planner in S. is scared out of her wits. Me, I'm more of a go-with-the-flow--but plan just in case sort of person. So I'm not overly-freaking, but I do admit that the rash of early births around here has me a bit nervous! We don't even have a mattress yet for our crib! But I also know that this babe would have everything it needed for the first month or so of life without needing to buy anything off of our registry---us, diapers, a co-sleeper, and a lactating mommy!

Just as a side note, I'm really glad to see that mainstream media (The Today Show, NPR) is at least talking about the presence of BPAs in hard plastic, especially in baby bottles. Making people aware that this may even be a risk, however remote, is so important. I think Born Free will be doing a lot of business at Big Baby Store now that these stories have aired!

I did just come back from a three 1/2-day trip to FL to visit my grandfather. Ironically, the temps there and here were almost the same, but the difference--lots and lots of blooming flowers and trees, and of course--the beach! Two more days of vacation before I'm back to work (blah) and S. is on vacation. Her goal: complete the nursery. Like I mentioned, these early births got Mama in a panic. But somehow it just works--right?!

check that out!

Did you see that ticker?? We're into double digits baby - less than 100 days until our estimated due date. YIKES!

In other news, I've been feeling and seeing the baby move around like crazy. It seems she/he has finally moved up off of my cervix and into the top floor apartment of my uterus. Probably a 5 floor walkup :) I appreciate that. Strangers can tell I am pregnant, or I at least get the look at the belly and can hear the questions in the head saying, "I think she's...." I feel good, other than being so damn tired I feel hungover. I just can't sleep at night. It is sooo frustrating.

This is my cousin and I. She's in orange and about 3 weeks away from dropping identical twin girls. Yes, she wins.

Out Like a Lamb...

You know the saying--"March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb." Well, they got it half correct this year. The beginning of March was another major snow storm, and now, a month later, instead of snowing it's raining non-stop. Not quite gentle and lamb-like, but nevertheless to say that April is tomorrow feels really good. We finally have some little daffodils and tulips poking their heads out of the cold, cold ground, but some icebergs remain in our yard, some part not quite sunny enough, and the air not quite warm enough, to melt. But ah, spring! I wish I could say I felt it right around the corner, but not with this weather.

Yesterday was awesome, however. We attended the Holyoke St. Patrick's Day Parade. Fun was had by all. The baby loved it, as evidences by the many flips and kicks he/she was doing inside the belly. And, speaking of which..I've FINALLY felt the baby on the outside. Finally!!! It's wondrous. My next milestone is to actually see the baby kick from the outside. Haven't seen that yet, though S. says it's happening once in a while.

We also purchased our crib and nursery chair (with a white cushion) from Ike@ this weekend. Hopefully it will be of the "wicked easy and joyful" Ike@ assemblies and not the "holy shit why did I buy this cheap piece of crap" assemblies. We've had experiences with both. We also sort of settled on some decor--it is not a theme, people. You know what others do when they sense you have a theme--they go insane with the theme and then it becomes kitschy and lame. So, we have decor and that's all we're sticking to! We purchased the "Farm Wall Graphics" and some black and white 5x7 cards to frame. We were originally painting the walls orange but may now switch to this nice shade of green from the picture, because when have you seen sheep grazing in an orange meadow?!

Anyway, things are getting exciting around here, for sure!

Memes Galore!

We have been very kindly tagged for the following 2 meme's. And trying not to be the party-poopers that sometimes we can be, here we go. It's only fair...two meme's, two people.

First, tagged by the fabulous Forever Reaching,

What’s On Your Nightstand?

Rules, rules, rules: post what you’ve got on the table (chair, nightstand, whatever) beside your bed. Leave nothing out. Nothing. Heh. Link back to the kind person who tagged you and then tag 3 other folks. Really tag them - none of this “whoever hasn’t done this meme yet” tagging.

We have two tall stools to the sides of our bed. On mine, there are two books, The Big Rumpus by Ayun Halliday and the Pregnancy Countdown Book, yes I like to read one entry each night. There is also a lamp and the control for our electric blanket. Don't yell, we turn it off before I get in...do you know how much a 250 gallon tank of oil costs? $730!

C's bedside stool has a lamp, used tissue, vaseline (she's addicted), tums (for me), the alarm clock and a bbt thermometer (yes, we starting to track her cycles so we can contemplate #2 when the time is right).

Nothing too exciting, I'm kind of a neat nick and pick up pretty often, plus they're small. What this meme has done is gotten me thinking about finding some proper night stands.

And now I put C. at the helm...I did just make her a to-do list so it shouldn't be that hard ;) And maybe it will get her to do it.

We were tagged by the mommies extraordinaire at The Family O.

Here are the rules:

Step 1. Reference back to the blog that sent you.
Step 2. Make a list of 5 things that you have to get done this week, no matter how small.
Step 3. Get 2 other people off their asses to get their shit in order.

Ugh. I hate lists. I know I need them because I always forget the things I have to do, but there's something about someone else writing the list for me (ahem, honey) that irks me. But I know it's for my own good because I don't write my own lists except for groceries (sometimes). So, here it goes, thanks to S. who wrote me a list of things to accomplish this week:

1. Make a copy of our Pontiac Vibe key. It only came with one and that's just tempting fate, especially since the clumsy one of the duo drives it (that would be me).

2. Go to the Depot and make 5 copies of our new door keys. We got new knobs for Valentine's Day from S.'s parents to match the others in our home.

3. Call about car insurance--the rates are finally deregulated in MA so we get to choose from more than just a handful of carriers. Plus we may get a discount for being teacher union members. Whoopie!

4. Call about flood insurance. I won't even get into this one. We live on a brook. We need it. It's an ordeal. Enough said.

5. Get 7 9-volt batteries for smoke detectors so we don't burn the baby down.

Soooooo unexciting. I wish my list had things like "pack for vacation" or "go for a manicure." But no. We are homeowners and this is our sad reality...


Both meme's are being sent to the following:
Two Mom's are Better than One - because they are NOT busy enough ;)

My dear Moho friends - let's send it out of the lesbo-ttc/pregnancy sphere to shake it up! -Not an Ambulance Chaser and this is it

Easter Belly!

Happy belated Easter, everyone. As you can see, S. fixed my big oops with the blog. I swore I would never again touch any of the template settings under pains and penalty of death. But that doesn't mean I can't post, and she'll probably be mad at me for this, but here's a very cute Easter belly shot of my baby at 23 weeks! We're feeling under the gun already, by the way--our nursery is in a state of utter disrepair. There are wood shavings on the rug and clothes strewn about and..oh..it's just bad. Bad bad bad..but the belly is looking good good good!

Big Oops!

Yeah, so...I was trying to update some links and somehow all of the links disappeared and everything translated into HTML, which I don't really understand. Oops. So now I need to run around the blogosphere like a crazy lady trying to find all of your links again. If I don't have you down, please forgive me and please let me know so I can put you back (which I have to figure out how to do). Yikes! When S. wakes up from her nap, she's going to be soooo mad at me!!

Baby Racket

I have had a lot on my mind lately, from the Elliot Spitzer scandal to the 5th anniversary of the Iraq War's start, to the baby, of course. At week 24 in this pregnancy, S. is finally starting to get sick of me in the bed. (Okay, in all honestly she's probably been sick of me in the bed for like, 6 years, but now with the addition of the Snoogle, she's really ready for me to get out.)

Also, we took the plunge and registered. It was, shall we say...overwhelming? But I think we had a good tactic. We started a registry on Am@zon, printed it out, and brought it to BR'U to find comparable, if not exact, items. We did pretty well, I think, but this is definitely not something you go and do once. So, we're going back tomorrow to comb over our selections. Friends with babies already told us we registered for too little, but much of what we really, truly want (the baby bath products, the pack n' play, our high chair, organic bedding and onesies, etc.) just were not sold at BR'U, so looks like our registry will just have to be split. I rationalize it by thinking that most couples register in at least two places when they get married, and we never registered for our wedding so it's all fair (right?!). We're just worried some of our "older" relatives won't bother with the on-line stuff, and then who's going to buy? We'll see what happens at our non-existent shower, of which it seems we will have two since my family's females and S.'s family's females cannot fit in one house and we do not want to go out to a restaurant and make a big to-do. S. has a thing about opening presents in front of people (I know, she's a freak), and in front of people in a public place is even worse.

I think we really freaked my mother out while registering. I don't think she's really stepped into this monstrosity of a store, so she was really overwhelmed and amazed at all of the choices families now have. She claims it was "eye-opening" and kept saying how none of this stuff existed when she was pregnant with me 28 years ago. Yes, it's quite the racket!

news

I felt the baby on the outside for the first time yesterday. I had my hand on my belly - which is a very convenient place to rest it - while sitting at my desk (something I rarely did before becoming so...round) and POP! My hand moved a little. So amazing. The kicks are becoming stronger and stronger each day. Poor C. has yet to feel the rough and tumble pumpkin, but she's been feeling me up non-stop over the last two days. I think it's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

In other news, a wonderful thing happened to us this week. A huge dilemma to be solved will never even need addressing. We have childcare!! A woman whose kids are in my school is looking for a "job". Her last girl will be in Kindergarten next year and her husband urged her to look for something. She doesn't want to be tied down by a job that will make her lose vacation time, summers, or after school with her kids. So...she is going to be our provider. She lives RIGHT across the street - I can breastfeed during lunch. We will trade off kids before/after school. She has a gorgeous home and is setting a bedroom up for our kid - crib, changing table...Our baby will never want to come home :) She already has a background check and tons of recommendations, as well as a background in education. I mean really...how lucky. And she's going to do this at the rate we would pay for a normal daycare situation. Plus, I like her, she's knows I'm queer and she's not afraid of cloth diapers! It's soo good in fact, I may go back to first grade before January. Unbelievable, how things work out...

I've been a sad sack of sickness the past week. Sick, sick, sick. I actually called in sick to work on Friday--for the first time since I began teaching. In five years! Not that I haven't used any sick days--just that I used them for other things besides being sick (all teachers will tell you this is the most common use of sick days during the school year). So yeah--that really means I'm sick. Coughing, runny nose, sore throat, blah blah blah...I even went to the doctor because I thought I had viral conjunctivitis (which I did-sorta/kinda). I never go to the doctor except for routine check-ups. Really. I guess five years of a kick-ass immune system has broken me down for one last winter wallop. Pile a flooded basement on all of that with the crazy heavy rains we had this weekend and it all adds up to one cranky mama. I don't do sick very well, let's just say...

Other than that, we're just biding our time waiting for our midwife appointment on Wednesday, which we're as ever excited for. The babe must be going through a growth spurt because S. is hungry every five minutes. The belly's looking good. S. was not satisfied with my photographic skills at taking belly shots at 20 weeks, so we're going to try again soon for another photo shoot. Other than that, we can see some grass on other people's yards, see past the snow banks at the end of our driveway, and not turn our indoor lights on until much later in the afternoon. All this means one thing--spring is (fingers crossed) around the bend. Yippee!!!!!

Diaper Rampage

Newest Internet addiction: Diaper Swappers. S. has gone on a diaper-buying rampage this week. I think we're almost done. After we lost all those diapers to the rude Cr@igslist seller, we thought we were doomed. But it's seemed to pick up. I sure hope we like using cloth, because we have a whoooole lot of them now!

Sorry for the delay and no belly shot. The first week back at school from vacation was insanely hectic, as we imagined it would be, then we got about five million snow storms. Usually winter doesn't bother us, but there is just a ridiculous amount of snow right now. I'm glad the baby is being born in July when we won't have to worry about slipping and sliding all over the place!

Half-time

I couldn't possibly let the day go by without marking this milestone..

I'm halfway through this pregnancy!! 20 weeks baby!!

How did that happen? Belly shot to be uploaded shortly.

It's a.....

Hi! Yeah, that's our baby waving to you all!! Cool, huh?
Ultrasound was incredible, and bizarre all at once. The baby was moving all over the place, giving the tech some great shots. And the baby is adorable, and probably a pianist. Or C. thinks maybe a boxer. Either way, the baby has my nose. And C.'s feet.

So...the news you've all been waiting for...drumroll, please. We are having a BABY! Only the u/s tech knows, which is kind of a funny feeling. It will be in our report that goes to the midwife, so we can potentially change our minds later. For now, though, a surprise. Yeah, my mom's pissed too.

Another surprise...the baby has irregularly large kidney 'funnels'. The valve at the end of the 'funnel' (yes, very technical) may not close properly, basically squirting pee in the wrong direction. The doc said that 50% of the time the baby adjusts itself before born. Or it could be born with this issue and be prone to infections for the first few months of life, eventually resolving itself. Or, it could be worse. I can't find much information out there on Dr. G00gle because I don't know what to search. Any help out there? Anyway, we go back in 8 weeks to see if there has been any progress. Everything else looks a-ok. Measures correctly, bones in the right places, 10 fingers and toes, brain, heartbeat strong and steady.

It was really something to see the little pumpkin up close.

Tomorrow is it - the ultrasound. It seems that this decision, much like which candidate I was going to vote for on Super Tuesday, is coming down to the wire. I really don't want to find out the sex of the baby anymore, and S. is sort of wavering. I think she's insisting we write it down on a slip of paper, place it in a sealed envelope and then pass it off to her mother, who will hoard the information and not tell us even if we begged and screamed. Or--we find out. I am not dying to know, unlike S. I admit that I was temporarily blinded this weekend when we went away and went to the best stores with the cutest baby clothes ever. But we managed to find the cute gender-neutral stuff (the definition of "gender neutral" clothing is another thing S. and I seem to disagree on, we've come to discover). At any rate, I'm just thrilled to see the baby again up on the big screen, see its little heart beating, and make sure everything is a-o.k.

Sex, no not that kind

A midwife appointment in the middle of our snow day today. It was nice to be home together beforehand and to be a little leisurely I must say.
Heard the racing heartbeat at 150bpm. I have really begun to anticipate that sound and it's so reassuring to hear it. Had our appt. with a different midwife (there's 6 total) and actually had the chance to meet two others. It's important to know them all - you never know who'll be catching the baby!!

The big ultrasound is next week. We actually asked the midwife to weigh-in on the daily ongoing discussion in our household - and now it's your turn. To find out? Or to not find out? She actually suggested waiting, because the moment of the birth is so overwhelming and emotional and not knowing just adds to it. Here are our thoughts on both viewpoints:

• our nursery decor will not be changed by the sex of our baby - we're just not into 'themes'
• it might be special for C. to be able to announce the sex at birth
• the anticipation might help me get through labor a bit
• we both hate baby pink and baby blue and don't want to be inundated by clothes etc. as gifts
• we sometimes see things that we want to buy for baby girls and baby boys
• the NAME GAME, which has begun...girl list is l-o-n-g and the boy list has 1. We could focus our efforts here
• another option...find out and keep it a secret!
  

We change our mind everyday. So, stay tuned and weigh-in!

Love to Hate Her

S. and I watched the Grammy's for the first time in probably about 4 or 5 years on Sunday. I stopped watching the Grammy's mainly because I honestly didn't know who any of the nominees were anymore, since I don't really listen to the regular radio (a lot of podcasts, though, and internet radio, where there's more freedom to play more interesting things). The 50th Anniversary show promised to be packed with performances, and it really was--I think we saw like, five awards actually given out on-air. We eagerly stayed up for the much-anticipated Amy Winehouse satellite performance. As creepy as she is for real, I love her music: the beat, the style, and her unique voice. I think she is a piece of druggie trash, however, who obviously needs a lot of help. It makes me feel sad since she is actually so beautiful and talented. If you G*ogle her, you'll see a few examples of what she looked like before she became..whatever it is that she is now. At any rate, I ended up being pretty pleased with this year's Grammy's--an unusual Album of the Year winner (Herbie Hancock) and Winehouse with a few wins as well. Here's hoping rehab actually works this time for her!

Relief!

The tides finally turned and S. is feeling better. She ate very little over the weekend, but enough that she was nourished and her fluids and nutrients were sufficiently restored. I think she's almost 100% today (as 100% as a preggo could be, anyway!). Phew! Now we're just looking forward to our midwife appointment on Wednesday to hear pumpkin movin' and groovin' again and check to make sure everything is a-ok. So far, so good!

Sick!

Poor S. is sick. Sick, sick, sick as a dog. Maybe this is her payback for going through the entire first trimester with nary a pregnancy symptom. So far today she's exploded from both ends (ahem--that is gross. Sorry to be so graphic.) and barely wants to eat or drink anything. She also has a smidgy-bitty-bit of a fever. Obviously I'm concerned. At first we thought it was bad heartburn, so I bought her some pills much stronger than your average Tums. Next, Imodium. Nothing doing. It's all coming out anyway. At any rate, she's sleeping soundly now, which means she's finally gotten comfortable. Luckily I was home most of the day today, since I had taken a personal day from school to contest a speeding ticket. Which I totally won. Maybe I was destined to go to law school and missed my calling. Or maybe it was fate that S. had to get sick on a day I would be home to take care of her. At any rate, I'm worried about keeping her hydrated, both for her sake at the pumpkin's. She doesn't really want to eat or drink much of anything, so I'm trying to force it upon her. It's only sort of working. I know she's doing the best she can.

Anyone get really sick during pregnancy when it wasn't necessarily pregnancy-related?

Around the Bend

Apparently having a baby in your belly means you must snore like a buzzsaw during supposedly-relaxing naptimes. Or at least that's what it's like in our house these days. For Valentine's Day, S. is getting the Snoogle, which will hopefully help her (and me) get a good night's rest. I think I'm getting a really cool camera bag so I can tote my fancy cam around with me - no excuses. It's hard hauling that big-ass thing around when you're used to a point-and-shoot. Ideally I'd like to have at least a thorough understanding of what all of the manual settings do, even if I don't quite have the hang of using them yet.

Other than that, it's pretty peaceful around here. The weekend blasted us with ice, then warm weather (okay, like 40 degrees) to help it melt away. We're supposed to even maybe hit a big 50 this week. Wooo!

I've also been racking my brain trying to decide who to vote for. Yes, I am that person. Right now I'd rather be reading cookbooks than arming myself with information so I think it's going to be a down-to-the-wire kind of moment in the voting booth tomorrow. And speaking of down-to-the-wire..the Pats blew it last night big time. The Giants totally deserved that win---they way out-played us. And I don't really care, because all the Superbowl means to us is that baseball season (and spring, glorious spring!) is calling from around the bend. Also around the bend--another midwife appt. next week and our big ultrasound in two. Can't wait.

Azz Master Demotion

Apparently I was way too soon in declaring us Azz Masters of the Universe. I guess I jinxed us, as the woman who was to sell us the diaps to complete our stash sold them out from under our feet. She clearly does not get Cr@igs.list selling etiquette. We were half-tempted to write her a nasty e-mail but felt it would probably be bad karma to start something. So I guess we'll have to be demoted from Azz Master to Bum Afficionado or some such lesser rank. Grrr....and I don't really know Margaret Cho's stand-up well so I don't know about the azz master reference, but I do remember the Seinfeld episode with the "Azz Man" license plate that Kramer accidentally got from the DMV. Hee hee.

And it's official--S. has popped and has no more use for her normal-sized clothes. She had to wear her pants with the top button unbuttoned all day long. Poor thing! I'll leave you with our 16-week (now almost 17-week) belly shot--our first!

Axx Masters

We are the axx-masters of the universe. We are nearly completely done with buying cloth diapers, except for a few odds and ends. Thank you, Craigslist! And what is it about cloth-diapering mamas? They are so overly-friendly, ready to give you advice about diapering and other baby-related things at the drop of the hat, and are so genuinely happy for your pregnant. It's wonderful! The last mom we purchased diapers from mentioned a great website, Diaper Swappers. Just thought other trolling moms would like to know!

I went to the gym today, after waking up sore from cleaning the house top to bottom. I thought that seemed a bit pathetic and took it as a sign that I was so far past out-of-shape that I ought to hop on the treadmill immediately. It was torturous, and now I'm even more sore, but I feel better.

In other news..since my high school is filled with gossipmongers, everyone knows that S. is pregnant. Most have never met her, since I rarely attend school events, but they do know that I'm pregnant but not pregnant. That's totally fine. What I'm not fine with is when people start gossiping about my other pregnant lesbian English teacher friend when she's only 7 weeks pregnant. NOT cool, especially when she hasn't chosen to openly tell many people. Someone's blabbing...So how do you break it to high schoolers that you're having a baby, but not? I feel it might be unfair if I come back in the fall and suddenly say, "I had a baby over the summer, guys! Wanna see a pic of my new kid?" and them be all confused because, hey, I had her last year and she didn't look like she had gained that much weight...I'm sure the right moment will present itself. It usually does. And if not, you just make one.

My Morphing Lovie-Love

I love my baby S. Love her, and the baby she's carrying for us. But Preggo S. is different. My old baby loved sandwiches for lunch and despised leftovers. Preggo S. is the opposite, refusing to eat bread unless it's an accompaniment to a meal, and only choosing leftovers the next day for lunch. Also, Preggo S. has trouble sleeping. I feel horrible for her. She tosses and turns, and between me, the animals, and her growing discomfort , she can't get any rest. I awoke in the very early morning hours today to find that my pillow had somehow been swept off of the bed out from under my head in what I'm sure was as fit of unrest by S. between her eight minutes of sleep.

So tonight we're switching it up. I'm up and can't seem to settle down, and she's sleeping soundly in our bed. The dog is probably still being a bed hog (or "bed dog," as we call him on these occasions), so I think I'll finish up this post and let her have a peaceful night's sleep for once as I slip into the guest room for the night.

Anyone try the Snoogle? I think we're at the point of needing one. But I haven't figured out how S. is going to now share the bed with me, the dog, the cat, and a giant, ergonomic body pillow, all in a mere double (not queen) bed.

I'm in love...

...with the film Juno. I know I'm totally late on the Juno bandwagon here, but S. and I rarely go see movies. We chose to see this one. We loved it. More importantly, I think I'm in love with Ellen Page, and I am definitely digging the soundtrack. Luuuuv it. Highly recommended, two thumbs up, etc. etc. etc. Go see it. Buy the soundtrack. It's just so---I don't know. Free and easy, but heavy and appropriate for dealing with issues like teen pregnancy and the desperateness of infertility. And it makes me feel like a college radio DJ again. Happy sighs.

oneofhismoms wondered if my belly was larger than hers. I have been reluctant to post photos, because, well, um, I looked pretty preggo even before I was. It has definitely begun to grow, but let's just say I probably had a head start. Photos will come, I'm just waiting for the right 'stage', where, say, a stranger might notice and feel comfortable commenting.
Now down to business...she also tagged us to do this meme wherein you will learn 6 quirks about us. However, since I have participated in a similar meme before, I am handing this one over to my honey, C.!

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

Well, okay--here it goes. I think I bailed out on the last meme, so it's definitely my due:

1. I have a name that has many variations and various nick-names. When someone calls me by the wrong name, or wrong nick-name, I get really angry but rarely say anything to correct the person. Go figure.

2. I hate to clean but sweep the floor obsessively because I can't stand when there are crumbs on my bare feet. I also hate when my socks get wet.

3. In high school, I dyed my hair jet black and thought my parents wouldn't notice because to me, it looked "natural," not knowing that few people in this world actually have naturally jet black hair. (They noticed, by the way.)

4. I can drive both a standard and an automatic, but S. will say I better "stick" to the automatic because I'm not so great at shifting. I think I do just fine.

5. Before owning a house, I had never, ever, ever run a lawnmower (my Dad wouldn't let me). Now I both mow the lawn and snowblow the driveway. What a babe I am.

6. I just remembered that I already did a meme. Hee hee.

Now tagging: Vanessa and Mel, the Bluemonts, and Jude & Jen. Have fun!

Congrats in order! Finally.

Now that's reason to celebrate - a snow day AND a heartbeat.

Our little pumpkin was moving around so much she had to chase him/her with the doppler. We kept hearing little kicks. The midwife said s/he was very active. We like to think there was some dancing going on, as we had just been boogeying down in the car. It really is a sound I will remember forever.

I concede, second trimester AND a heartbeat. It's time to relax and enjoy.

A Tale of Three Mamas

Things have been..well..quiet and boring over here for the most part, aside from S. peeing every five minutes and blowing through rolls of toilet paper like you wouldn't believe! Now into our 2nd trimester, I think we've been conservative in expressing our joy and anticipation of being pregnant because we hadn't yet heard the heartbeat. Well, we're supposed to hear it at our midwife's appointment tomorrow, but thanks to living in New England, we're getting a snow storm that will most likely cancel school and close all businesses. Ack! And it's not all that easy to reschedule here. I think we're going to have to beg and cry to get another after-school appointment for sometime relatively soon!

In the meantime, we've been trolling Cr*igslist like insane women looking for things we want but feel foolish registering for, like really expensive strollers and whatnot. Our family just makes fun of us too much so we're buying what we really want ourselves. Over the course of yesterday, we made three purchases from three very different kind of mothers. Just thought it would be interesting to compare:

Mother 1:

Purchased this lovely stroller from her.

Got a heck of a deal on this gorgeous P@g-Perego stroller. At first, we felt weird about purchasing a stroller another baby had used a lot, but this woman had a self-proclaimed "stroller fetish" and owned about 5 or 6 really expensive ones. It was hardly used, and there's not a scratch on the thing. It looks brand new. You could tell this woman liked to shop. She also had about 5 cars in her driveway.

Mother 2:

By far the most down-to-earth mama and the one we could relate the most to. We bought 10 infant cloth diapers from her and she was really sweet and said she'd call us in the future as her babies grew out of stuff. Really, really nice, and she even threw in a free pair of infant pants! (Her son grew out of infant stuff too fast.)


Mother 3:

We purchased a mini co-sleeper and a Baby Bj*rn from her. She lived in campus housing at a local college and we had to call and e-mail her about 5 times to get her to agree on a time to meet. When I called again yesterday morning, she sounded half asleep or stoned or something and asked if we could come by later on in the afternoon. Really, lady--we're paying you $100--the least you could do is be a little accommodating! When she came out of her dorm (she only wanted to meet us in the parking lot), she looked like a wacko. That's all I'll say. We were glad to get out of there.

It was interesting to see the completely different mamas in our area yesterday. They all obviously had things we wanted to buy, but oh my lord--if you ever had a meeting with all three of them, I think something interesting could happen. Is this what a mommy's group is like???

Great in '08!

I really super-de-duperly love my dog. Not only is he cute to look at, he's the snuggliest dog on the planet and the biggest love muffin ever. Ringo is his name, and we adopted him from the Animal Control shelter (where they put the dogs to sleep) in Brooklyn. It was a scary place, and he was really scrawny and ugly when we adopted him, but somehow saw through that to the cuteness. We had no idea how cute he's really be.

Now we're afraid that we've wasted all our cuteness on our dog, and our baby might be..not cute. We do not have a baby picture of our donor, like some of the other donors we used did, so we really don't know. We're betting on S.'s genes being the dominant ones so that we have a baby that's recognizable. We did our best to match the donor to me, but I guess you just never know. I try not to think about those things too much, but I feel it's probably something I'll have to answer soon when I start telling a lot of people I work with. As far as I know, there are lesbians at school, but not ones whose partner is pregnant, so I guess I'll be the first. Hopefully I can dodge most of the questions that make people think and probably make them a tad bit uncomfortable, but I'm really fine with answering them all the same.

Happy New Year!! Here's what we ate, besides the 5-course French dinner:

It's a "Bouche de Noel," or Yule Log. Our friend Stacey made it, and wouldn't you say it's ridiculously amazing for her first one?? Stacey is also going to be S.'s doula, and the baby's due date is her birthday, so we think of her as good luck. She claims she needed a head start in giving S. gestational diabetes (joke). Speaking of which, S. has decided that officially, none of her pants fit her. This weekend she seems to have warped into a truly pregnant lady (peeing, weird cravings, etc.).

I have taken so many pictures over the past few days, but I don't know how to upload them yet, so when I do I'll post some of our festivities. We got a very fancy new camera from my mom, which I'm still learning how to use. We had a pretty mellow Christmas. If I do say so myself, I cooked a kick-ass meal on Christmas Eve and we had a great time making merry and such, and we all realized that next Christmas Eve will be utter chaos--S. and I will have had our baby, S.'s cousin's new baby will be a year old, her other cousin's baby will be 2 1/2 and then in May she's popping out TWIN girls. Oh my. Where all those kids will go, I don't know, but it sure will be fun! Christmas day was quiet-S.'s uncle went into the hospital and wasn't around, but it was nice to not have to cook or clean or take any sort of responsibility.

We had a little bit of a frustrating experience at the midwife's office today. S. went in to get her glucose test done. This requires drinking a glucose drink, waiting around for an hour, then getting blood drawn. Too bad that the MW's office didn't know that every single person from the lab was out until 2:00 today and we had to draw blood at 1:15. Luckily, a quick-thinking midwife did a finger prick test just in time (phew!), and S. will just get the other blood tests done when we go back for our appointment next month. But really, people, do you not know when your lab, which is right downstairs, is going to be closed? Annoying.

Oh yes, and our big Christmas gift to each other arrived today--a snowblower. How fun. The gutter off the side of our house also fell clear off the roof with all that ice. Oh the joys of being a homeowner!

Telling the Fam

Telling S.'s family about our pregnancy is going to be easy. We know they'll be supportive and excited. My family is a whole other story. I don't really talk to my father, due to the whole gay thing, and while the rest of my family is accepting, we don't really talk about 'us', as in me and S. as a unit, very much. We're just sort of there and that's that.

But of course when you're having a baby, you have to break that silence a little bit. So, yesterday, at my aunt's holiday party, I did. But first I went home to personally, and alone, tell my father about our baby.

It went better than expected.

Here's what I would have expected: screaming, swearing, praying, storming out of the house. Instead, I got: "OK. I don't know how I feel about that. I'll have to think about it." No screaming. No storming out of the house. And he still came to my aunt's party later on that day.

Progress? I'm not really sure. But he did hug me good-bye last night and, not that things were "normal," it just wasn't quite as awkward as I expected it to be. Weird. My grandmother seemed like she couldn't really give a crap, which is fine, as she is 94 and is sort of set in her ways. (I think maybe if I were the one pregnant, it would have been different.) I know she loves me and S. and that she'll love to have a new baby in the family once he or she arrives. The rest of the fam just seemed to "know"---or else I assumed they did, as people kept hugging us and telling us congratulations. So imagine my surprise at the end of the night when a bunch of my cousins still didn't know! (Thanks, cousin K. for keeping a good secret--love ya!) So, we got to tell them and I think they were happy for us and all that stuff so...it's done with. For now.

I was really dreading yesterday all week. It made me irritable and emotional, but when the actual day came, I felt fine. I didn't cry, puke, go to the bathroom, or any of my normal reactions to such a nerve-wracking situation. So, yay for us, yay for me, and yay for only telling people who will be genuinely excited from now on.

And S. is now at 11 weeks. By the time Christmas comes and goes, we'll be at week 12. Oh my!

gettting there...

Ummm...I did two crazy things this weekend. I bought a pair of maternity jeans and we bought six Bumgenius cloth diapers off of craigsl*st. Those are things pregnant women do...I think this is starting to sink in. 10 weeks down, 1/4 of the way. However, I am still feeling inordinately worried most of the time.

Welcome to the world, baby Jo!

And what a handsome one you are!

lucky girl

I will be 10 weeks at the end of this week. I alternate between saying, 'already?' and 'only?' Most of the people I work with know I am pregnant and I get a lot of "How are you feelings"? So, I thought I would address that. I'm at a point where I don't think I'll be jinxing myself.

I am feeling good. I'm one of those - one of the 25%. Not a minute of queasiness, never mind nausea and puking. I'm tired, but honestly, I tend to be a tired person who loves naps anyway. I have indigestion that's a bit worse than normal, but not everyday anymore. My boobs are huge, but they're not sore. No flames ladies! I know, I'm lucky in this respect. Finally...lucky. In the beginning I WANTED the symptoms, I wanted to know something was going on. And some days I still feel that way. My belly is hardening up and my pants are definitely tighter. It's hard to say if I'm growing, because, well, there was plenty there before we started. :)

Getting Clinical

We toured the Big Hospital today, the one our R.E. practice resides in. It was--a very big hospital! It felt more like a hospital than the other one we've looked at. The rooms were not as nice or spacious, it felt brighter and a big scrungier, and just had that overly-busy, rushed feeling. Not ideal for us for giving birth. Of course, the huge advantage is the NICU should S. indeed go into pre-term labor, or something else that we don't like thinking about. Going with Big Hospital means going with Big Midwife Practice, too, since they're in the same building and obviously deliver there.

It's a lot to think about, but I think we'll have our minds made up by tomorrow, when we interview the midwives from the other hospital. I have a good feeling about them--glowing reviews, a sort of local-celebrity midwife who basically started insemming lesbians in this area 20 years ago, and strong recommendations from local bloggers makes them sound very appealing. Hopefully they live up to all the hype so the decision is made for us.

Oh, and the weather outside here is frightful--S. had a snow day on Monday, but I had merely a delay. My commute was awful and slippery anyway, though!

Christmastime is Here...

I often have trouble getting into the holiday spirit, and S. always called me a Grinch, a Scrooge, a Bah Humbug, etc...but today we finally got a tree and decorated it. This is a pic from our vintage tree from last Christmas---we did it all up in colored lights and old-fashioned glass ball ornament (Shiny Brights). We decided to forgo the little tree this year and just do the biggun'. And it does look good if we do say so ourselves! Can't beat the smell of a real tree, even if it 1.) gets sticky 2.) sheds needles like crazy and 3.) is a pain in the ass to water. All for the sake of a good whiff of fresh pine..we decided to extend the joy our lit tree brings us, we're going to put it outside on our patio with the lights still on and enjoy it through the winter.

And speaking of winter..we may get our first snow day tomorrow!!!

Making the Switch

A lot of your comments from our last post got me thinking--it is really hard to switch from being a "high risk" infertility patient to a totally normal pregnant person. S. is having trouble doing this herself. Because in reality, she shouldn't have had "infertility"--she is 31, 30 when we started this, her cycles were perfect, her follicles and uterus perfect--there was clinically no reason why she couldn't get pregnant. But suddenly you do IVF and you are buttonholed into this bizarre high-risk category that we really want to get out of. In reality, we're minimalists when it comes to medical intervention. If it weren't for the infertility thing, we still would be.

So--how to you pick your hospital? Your midwife group? Or do you go with an actual OB because she knows what could happen to patients who conceive with IVF? I just don't know.

Our impression of our midwife group today was---pretty good, I would say. The midwife we talked to was super terrific--but there are 15 in that one practice, and we could have any one of them at any given appointment. I don't think the other midwife group we're interviewing operates that way, but I could be wrong. Also, we waited for like, 45 minutes, even though we had an appointment. We don't like that. But we acknowledge this is a big hospital and they are very busy.We were impressed by their stats, though--they deliver 400 babies per year (!) and out of those, have up to 9% c-section rate. Super-impressive. And a very low induction rate as well. They have a labor tub in the birthing center, but we haven't seen it yet and don't know if we'll like it as much as birthing center #1.

Ack!!!!

**Note: Yes, Stacey, you are totally right--I won't say "ACK!" anymore because it is a great decision to have to make. Hell, it's great we get to be the ones in charge of this decision in the first place!! I feel lucky to live in an area with so many great midwife practices and hospitals to choose from.

Today we went in for our last ultrasound at the R.E.'s office. It was kind of emotional for everyone, I think. We've grown pretty attached to our doctor, and most especially and nurses and ultrasound techs, throughout the past year. It was a nice way to leave though, of course, and the ideal way--pregnant!

Our scan today showed a 17mm pumpkin seed with a head, a spine, and a fast-beating heart (170!). A co-worker of S.'s is already predicting we're having a girl--apparently, she correctly predicted this of both herself and another co-worker based on heartbeats.

Now onto the scary part--interviewing OBs and midwives to figure out where we go next. Our doctor of course encouraged us to stay in our hospital, and kind of freaked us out. She claims babies conceived using IVF have a higher risk of preterm labor, even with a singleton, and since our hospital has the only NICU in the area, we should birth here. I've never heard this before and haven't found a ton of info on it on the web--anybody have experience with this or heard this before, IVF mammas? At any rate, we're going to meet with the group from our hospital tomorrow, then another one hopefully soon at another hospital we toured today. These birthing rooms were nicer than some hotel rooms we've stayed in, seriously, and the birthing tub was amazing! It really made up look forward to..well..everything.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Isn't it cute? Tell me it's not the most adorable blob with a heartbeat you have ever seen!
I am feeling sooo much calmer, but I'm not there yet. I'm pretty sure I'll be this way through 12 weeks, perhaps the entire pregnancy. I really do look forward to a time where I will relax and enjoy talking and gushing. So I've decided to wait to tell my extended family. I originally thought tomorrow, being Thanksgiving and 7 weeks and all, but I'm not ready. Christmas (and 12 weeks) will be here soon enough. What they don't know won't hurt them, right? I've just got to wait a little longer...sorry all. I'll be greedy though and continue to take all your positive vibes and good energy that you've been sending my way.

Happy Thanksgiving. This is a great time to be thankful. And I am.

Day of Reckoning

The day came. S.hardly ate. I felt like I had a lump of ice in my stomach all day and went to the bathroom about 4 times before noon (umm, I'm a nervous pooer--sorry, tmi, I know). Then the moment came, and we were glad to find out that it was our most favoritest wonderfulest awesomest ultrasound tech to ever set foot on the planet doing our ulatrasound. Already we felt better, but S.'s face started turning bright red (I've never seen her like this--it was intense, akin to when her father's vein in his forehead starts throbbing when he's about to explode). I felt like I was going to vomit.

And then, our ultrasound angel said it. "You are very pregnant." Tears. Disbelief. A visual--there it was. A strong heartbeat, a little 4mm squiggly thing attached to S.'s body and growing healthily (and hopefully happily). So right now we have a little pumpkin seed. We are relieved beyond all relief, happy beyond all happiness. We immediately jetted to the Big Book Store to peruse some baby books. We purchased one and are internet-researching the others (we are habitual half.com shoppers--we hate buying new books for cheapness and ecological reasons).

I am so glad that part is over. On to the next wait--next Thursday, which will be week 8 exactly, we have an appointment with our R.E. Then off into the unknown realm of OBs, one of which we do not have.

Yay.

Sorry folks - still no news. Longest hardest most heart-wrenching tww of my life. U/s Monday - until then I will speculate only to myself and only at 3:38 in the morning...and 3:39...3:40 and so on...

help and tmi

So...traumatic week...hanging on by a thread. We had blood Thursday night. This may be TMI for some, so stop reading if you need to; otherwise, I need my wise internets. A gush of bright-red blood. Not spotting, but not full-on period either. 3 wipes worth. Lasted an hour tops. No cramps. One very tiny 'clot' kind of tissue. I can't find much info that helps. I KNOW it could be nothing, but emotionally I can't wrap my head around it all. I had to leave school yesterday, couldn't hold it together. Needed to sleep and watch Little House on the Prairie (my favorite sick-day show - I love that french horn theme). RE's office says they can't do anything. Had previously scheduled u/s for Nov. 19th - that's when they'll see me next. I asked for a beta to see if anything has plateaued, nurse said it might not show us anything but I went today anyway. Nov. 19th seems soooo far away. ugh.

This was supposed to be the fun part. It's not fair. I've worked so hard to get here, I just want it to be easy.

*C's update:
The beta came back "normal" for where S. is in the pregnancy. We know this doesn't mean everything is normal, but it was very reassuring to know that something drastic had not necessarily happened. We're jittery but better and I'm sure the next week and a day will drag on to no end. Thanks, oh pregnancy sages, for your wise advice and encouragement!

Baby Books: Scaring the Bejeezus out of pregnant women everywhere

I think we made a mistake starting to read baby books already. They are only scaring us, especially the first three months stuff. I think it scared S. so much that she's now insisting we do another beta test. Maybe a bit on a paranoid side, but our doc told us we could if we want to, so we are. I think the main issue is that S. doesn't "feel" pregnant in the way we think of most pregnant women feeling. No nausea or vomiting (yet) or weird food cravings. She did have a weird aversion to her students' breath last week and no desire for a grilled cheese. She's also constipated as hell which I know is a pregnancy sign, so I'm proceeding cautiously with the assumption that S. is pregnant and will stay that way. Our ultrasound isn't for another two weeks--two weeks! Is that normal?? It seems so unbearably far away. But I know (from reading other pregnant lovely ladies' blogs) that the time will fly by and we'll quickly have our reassurance that everything is just fine.

Proof positive!

Beta results:
14 days past retrieval - 103
16 days past retrieval - 250

According to betabase we are looking A-OK, not that I'm ready to relax just yet.

Postaphobic

So just like I didn't want to get the phone call and relay the news to S., I don't want to write a post either. It's..complicated. See, here's the thing. We have a dilemma. It's a dilemma that this fine lady articulated far better than I ever could. The nice IVF nurse told my voicemail (because I heard my phone ring, then threw it down on the car seat and dashed into the market to buy a birthday cake for my mother-in-law) that the test is positive and the numbers look good. But it's two weeks to the day, people. Two weeks!! So, just like the aforementioned blogger, we're just too scared to say it out loud. But, being faithful bloggers, felt obliged to say it because we feel we owe it to all of you for being there for us. That being said...S. has a few words for you. (Hey, this is our first ever joint post! I think this is a momentous occasion on more than one level...)

Those of you whom I know in real life...I'm freaking out and am not ready to talk about it yet. I can't even type the word pregnancy. Let's wait a few weeks/months and then we'll explode with happiness together. It's too damn early. Please. But thank you for thinking those thoughts (keeping 'em coming) and for getting us this far, we really do love you.

OMG-I'm in a state of shock.

Testaphobic

We really could have taken a pregnancy test any time since yesterday. Like, today. But, we didn't. We chickened out. S. chickened out. We bought new ones and everything. So now, I am going to be the one responsible for delivering the news, as tomorrow marks two weeks from the embryo transfer. So, in she goes for a blood test. She left a rambling message on the IVF nurses' voicemail about not calling her, but calling me. So, come lunch tomorrow, I guess I'll know. And then I'll have to carry that with me through the day--whatever it is--and then tell S. when I come home. I'm thinking I'll probably wait until 2:10 comes, because if it's negative, I won't be able to survive my 6th period class without freaking out on them. And maybe wouldn't be able to if it were good news either.

I am so nervous...

How sweet it is!

Embryo-A-Go-Go Red Sox!

Sorry for the "before and after"-style post title. I just am so excited about many things right now. First and foremost of course is that little white dot on the ultrasound screen that we saw Sunday morning and was, in fact, an actual, fertilized embryo, sitting right there in S.'s uterus. A-ma-zing. For me, it was very comforting that a.) our R.E. did the procedure and also happens to be very pregnant right now and b.) was listening to the Rolling Stones during the procedure. I doubt S. noticed this, as she was far too busy feeling uncomfortable/in pain, but I thought it was a nice touch.

Then there's our Red Sox--off to the World Series again!! Ahh! Red Sox Nation is, for those of you not in the know, an insane group of crazy Boston fans who just love these guys and this team and all the mayhem that ensues when they win. I love baseball, love the Sox, and we'll be sitting in our living room rooting for them Wednesday night. And hopefully the littlest Red Sox fan in the room will be rooting along with us.

Pregnant until proven otherwise??

The deed is done. 1 top-grade 8-cell embryo is now busy burrowing into the lining of my uterus. It's possible that I've never gotten this far - embryo inside and all, so it feels good.

It was pretty tough. I'm glad C. came into the OR with me (scrubs on!) and it didn't last too long. I was VERY uncomfortable. Full bladder, Large speculum, Long catheter. I took the Valium, but I have to say, it didn't help much. There is just NO relaxing under these circumstances - at least not for me. Why this isn't done under anesthesia is beyond me. Not to mention, I have a bladder infection from the ER, so peeing afterward was sooo painful. It will all be worth it. The tww is on. Blood test on Nov. 1st.

4 top grade 8 cell embryos were frozen for the future and 2 others are continuing to be cultured until the blast stage and then they will be frozen as well. Everyone, including my Dr. seemed pretty pleased about the whole thing.

Little growing jack-o-lanterns

I feel like those eggs are a ticking time bomb--will they fertilize? Will they keep growing? Will they have something to implant on day 3 or day 5? We did get a call today that out of the 20 eggs, 15 were mature. Out of those 15, 7 fertilized. I think it's good, S. thinks it's just "o.k." We need at least 6 eggs to make it to day 3 to be considered for a day 5 transfer, which we would really prefer. But obviously whatever they tell us to do, we will.

So I filled the valium prescription. At least we have it, and S. can make the decision to take it or not before we go in for the transfer. Thank you so much for all your input -- we felt a little clueless and lost, and now feel much more informed. S. is feeling wonky still--sore, and not up for walking too much. We head to New Hampshire tomorrow for the Keene Pumpkin Festival, which should be able to distract us with pumpkin yumminess and thousands upon thousands of illuminated jack-o-lanterns!

Eggy Update

Egg retrieval - check! They retrieved 20 eggs, more than expected, this morning. Tomorrow we'll get a report on how they are fertilizing, and then wait for either a day 3 or day 5 transfer (Sunday or Tuesday). S. is feeling quite wonky from the anesthesia, but she's hydrated and fed, and napping peacefully right now. I think she's glad it's all over with and looking forward to the hard part--implantation.

A note of concern: they want S. to take 5mg of valium before the procedure. She does not want to do this and is afraid of a bad reaction, but they insist it's not just for mental relaxation, but as a muscle relaxer as they use a fairly LARGE speculum to get in there and place it precisely, and need her to not move at all. Why they don't just put you under if they don't want you to move, we're not sure. Any advice/anecdotes on this? They are really pushing us to take it.

Thanks again for all your well-wishes. We still have a far way to go, though! Ahh! But a great start, for sure.

return to sender

I want you to be sending your karma, prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, and healthy energy to the right address. We'll be needing them. I hate to beg....but please...please...let this work for me.

Thursday at 10am we will be retrieving under anesthesia. We needed the extra day to finish growing/maturing upwards of 20 eggs (only about 14 look like they will be ready to go). Tonight at 10pm, hcg shot. Another day of achy ovaries and then we're on for Thursday. I'm freaking. My yoga instructor gave me some great breathing exercises and womb-happy poses today.

-s

the best laid plans...

We had an ultrasound and bloodwork done yesterday. It was our first peek into the work of Mixmaster C. We had a total of 14 follicles. 9 on the right ovary (though I'm not totally clear if these are all of a size that will allow harvesting) and 5 on the left (all of which are a good size for potential harvesting and a few small ones that probably won't catch up). I've watched this play out many times before - thanks to your blogs - this does NOT mean they will harvest 14 eggs. Who knows how many will actually mature, but, that said, I'm feeling OK about 14. My body did her job in a satisfactory manner.

I am feeling vaguely sore on the right side and can imagine how this is going to get uncomfortable. We are aiming for HCG shot Monday night and possible Egg Retrieval on Wednesday. This, of course, will be confirmed or changed by the u/s tomorrow morning.

Question - if ER is Wed., what day is a Day 3 transfer? Day 5? Do I count the day of ER as day 1? I will ask the Dr. tomorrow, but I thought with all the experts around here I could start planning my insane work week. Thank goodness first graders bounce back, they are going to be thrown for a loop this week. Thankfully, I planned 'easy' knowing there would be a sub at least twice....

Mixmaster C

So we started our stims nearly a week early. This is great news, actually--now the egg harvesting and implantation won't interfere with S.'s parent conferences. The scary thing is we had to come home from our doc's appt. Monday ready to mix up all the drugs that night--just when I was getting the hang of preparing the Lupr*n shots. Our doc's office does have us do something that is pretty cool--mix all of the stims into one bottle. So, I combine Men*pur with the Lupr*n and G*nal F, then suck it all up into one massive shot. (Is this common? I have no clue.) That's the scariest part: seeing all that liquid streaming into S.'s belly.

She feels good so far--of course, it's only been two nights. She swears she feels her follicles growing. She usually does--and that's when she's only producing two or three! Needless to say, we went out and bought some very stretchy pants for her to wear to work this week. So just call me mixmaster C--I am feeling very accomplished, considering when I first played with a syringe I couldn't figure out how to work the darn thing!

Blood came. Ultrasound Monday (can you believe they're open on Columbus Day? Eh, Columbus was an ass anyway). Stims later on in the week. Let the out-of-control hormone rages begin!

I've never wanted my period to come so badly. think blood. then I can get the show on the road!

Am I dead inside yet?

Try #14 and my first IVF cycle began last night with my first shot of Lupron. The IVF protocol that I am on (maybe all IVF protocols? - I'm not a master at this yet) takes two cycles to perform. So, I take Lupron from ovulation until my period. Then, I start stims and continue Lupron until egg retrieval. I'm in the first stage - in which I am sending myself into menopause, killing anything natural that may be going on so the RE has a clean slate to start with - no follicles, no eggs, no natural ovulation. This sounds so horrible. So...not...natural.

Let's recap what led me to this:
3 IUI's in NYC with OB/GYN
3 ICI's at home with C.
4 IUI's with Clomid in MA with RE
3 IUI's with Injectibles with RE

I hope this is the magic answer.

On another note, I went to a new ob/gyn yesterday. My feet have been in stirrups for a year and a half. Funnily enough, I have not had an annual exam and pap smear. oops. And the RE's office doesn't do it. So I took their recommendation and went to the place they have a relationship with. It's a very popular practice - big and busy, but people love it. The doctor was great, I could see myself using her, but my apt. was an hour and a half late. When I went to book next years exam they didn't have anything available until December 08 and that wasn't even after school hours. I did like her but...is it worth it? They are popular for a reason, right? Why do I feel like I'll be sacrificing something? Am I just used to the small coziness of my RE? And remember, with any luck, I may be using this practice in pregnancy and delivery. It was nice to be able to grill her about their pregnancy and delivery practices (one of the five will deliver you at either of the local hospitals). Thoughts?

Loving Fall

Reflection of the Bridge of Flowers

Fall is my absolute favorite season, and of course I'm totally prejudiced against the Northeast having, hands down, the best fall everything, ever--foliage, scenery, food, views, drives--and we got a chance to get out and do some of those things today with S.'s parents. We drove to Shelburne Falls, home of both Bill Cosby and the famed Bridge of Flowers (so much for such a little town!). We took a walk, had a nosh, and enjoyed the amazing views from the road on the way out there--the leaves are just starting to turn the mountainsides beautiful variegated colors. Good stuff!

Bridge of Flowers, Shelburne Falls, MA