Next steps & staying good-bye

I had to go home to attend a funeral of a great aunt today. It was appropriately sad--I definitely lost it standing next to my grandmother as Aunt Helen's casket rolled down the aisle at church--but I have such fond memories of her, and it was wonderful to see family I usually only see at such unfortunate gatherings. We all sort of joked and called it the funeral/family reunion. Not funny, but I know my aunt would love that we were all gathered together to laugh and share stories and pictures, and just be with each other. My mom made two of Aunt Helen's famous dessert cookies to a tee--even Helen's own daughter said they tasted identical. It was--nice. I "inherited" (more like took) some old-fashioned mixing bowls once Helen had to move out of her home and in with her daughter down in Maryland, and I think of her every time I use them (which is a lot). Thanks, Aunt Helen. I hope one day my cookies can live up to the reputation of yours!

S. had to have a sono HSG today in ensure continuing insurance coverage for our babymaking endeavors. It was not pleasant--crampy, icky, uncomfortable, from the sounds of it--but if possible, it sounded slightly more pleasant than the full-on HSG with the dye and everything. No dye used here. I unfortunately could not be with S. to hold her hand today, due to the funeral. And I didn't like not having S. with me. Many family members asked about her, which made me feel good, and I did explain to many of my second and third cousins about my "partner" and how we moved and live in a house in MA now, blah blah blah...they're younger, you know, so I think they get it. Who knows--maybe the rumor there's a queer in the family has trickled down that far, but today, no one really batted an eyelash.

A Beautiful Thing

Something amazing happened to us today. We got our meds in the mail. This should be rather normal for us. But today, it was special. Our drugs had been costing $600 a month (this is for the injectable stuff, of course). Guess how much they cost us this month? $25.00!!! Insurance is a beauuuuutiful thing! Thanks, HMO! For once I don't feel suckered and upset at my insurance plan.

MEME!! At long last..not like you've been waiting...

Time to buckle down and do my me-me, I suppose. So, here it goes!

1. I grew up without cable television and video games (my dad swore up and down they would wreck the television set). And, though my parents have a 50" flatscreen HD TV, they still do not have cable!

2. I have curly hair that I am quite vain about. It looks like crap most of the summer, but I love it anyway. It's about the only physical feature of mine that I really like.

3. I am the oldest child. I have one younger sister who is significantly younger than I am--she's 21 and I'm (almost) 28.

4. I was born on Labor Day. Get it--my mom was in labor on Labor Day? I always found that amusing. And, on those years where my birthday actually falls on Labor Day, like it does this year, I make the joke repeatedly.

5. I spent one glorious year living in London in college. I attended University with other British 3rd years who usually didn't want to talk to me. Consequently, most of the friends I made there were either American or from some other European country. I still love the Brits, though, and long to go back for a visit.

6. I went to Catholic high school. Plaid uniform, religion classes, the whole thing. I am no longer a practitioner of any organized religion, though I do not begrudge those who are unless they are clearly bigoted, foul, and hateful.

7. S. was the first woman I ever dated or kissed or..anything, even though I attended an all women's college. Guess she always will be!

8. I've visited both non-contiguous U.S. states on vacation, and driven through every single state on the Eastern seaboard at least three times, since my dad doesn't like flying. (My first time on an airplane was when I was 16)

Okay, I think I've done my duty now. If you want to play along, go to it, but I think there are precious few who haven't been tagged these days!

Just Beyond the Horizon...

We just got home from our 2nd mini-vacation in a week. Last week it was my family up north--this week, S.'s family down south. Okay, not really "south," per se, but south from here. We went down to Rhode Island, where S.'s aunt and grandmother rent a house for two weeks on the beach. We only got two beach days out of it, but that was enough to get a sunburn. Ouch! I was so careless with my sunblock application yesterday that I completely forgot my back, a little spot near my armpit, and the back of my thighs. It hurts to sit. Owww! S. also burned one of her knees...

And we are not having a baby this month, either. We tested Thursday to a bfn. We'll do it again tomorrow, juuuuust in case...but yeah. So looks like we're on to cycle #13. But, now covered with insurance, which is good, since our doctor decided to up the G*nal F injections this time around. Hopefully this will be good. And hopefully we won't go past this, for past this next cycle is the mysterious place where IVF may be lurking ahead for us. I'm disappointed in not being pregnant this month. But---like last cycle, feel that there is at least some sort of possibility ahead to look forward to, even if it seems strange and a bit scary.

Meme Delinquent

We've been in Maine/New Hampshire/North Shore MA for the past few days, so apologies for lack of updates. We're now 1 week and 3 days past insem. S.'s boobs have been killing her, and she swears they're so big that she's in pain carrying them around, but that's just the progesterone talking (we know that now). Trying to think positive thoughts and hope that a little babe is burrowing in for the long-haul.

Here's a recap of our trip Northwards this year:

--Portland, ME is a really cool city. We were treated to a spontaneous dance recital/fashion show outside the restaurant we ate dinner at. Very random. We then watched a woman who had flames coming off her hula-hoop do some fun stuff. We now believe Portland is truly the sister city of Portland, OR.

--Being with family can be exhausting but satisfying. We saw a lot of them.

--Laying by the pool when it's ridiculously hot and humid is good. Laying in the pool is even better.

--Fried dough, though it makes us sick at the end of the evening, is soooo very tasty.

a meme, my first...

We've been tagged before, I think by A. and E. (sorry girls). But this time we've been caught - by the gals at It's Taking a Village so it's time to face the music. And because we've been tagged before, we consent to do it twice - one for me and another for C.

Here are the rules: Let others know who tagged you. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged. I don't think we'll do any actual tagging - baby steps people.

1. I grew up on Martha's Vineyard Island. People always seem surprised that A. my family is not wealthy and B. People live there year round. Yeah, who watches your children, remodels your homes, makes and serves your food? My family and friends. It was an amazing place to grow up - so safe and easy. I never had any intention of moving back there as an adult though. There is not much in the way of culture or diversity (although that might be changing). It was a "small town" - everyone knew everyone and that gets exhausting. I do go back to visit a couple times a year. I really long for the beach/ocean every so often.

2. I love the smell of rubber/plastic. Band-aids, shower curtains, air mattresses. Wicked weird.

3. I have a deep dark fear. Please don't laugh. I'm afraid I'm going to like my adorable, lovable, snuggly, darling dog Ringo more than I will like my baby. Silly, I know. But my fear before this? That I wouldn't be able to have babies and...ahem...

4. C. and I both went to the same women's college. We were there at the same time (she was a firstie when I was a senior) and we didn't know each other!! We met after C. graduated and moved to Brooklyn with one of my closest friends from said women's college. Thanks l.!

5. I LOVE GAMES. Everyone says I "cheat", I "love to win", I'm a "sore sport" - but none of that is true. I just love to play games: scr*bble, domin*es, trivia, sc*ttergories, cr*nium, cards, load*d questions, b*ggle. You name it, I love to play it. C. does not love games, which makes me sad and is one of the very very few things I would change about her - that and her self-control when it comes to itching.

6. I balance my checkbook to the penny each month. Yes, I'm obsessive when it comes to organization and money - so this is where it shows. Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes and other times it takes me 3 hours to find 14 cents....but I always find it. I've found this task a bit harder now that we own a house and our finances are totally joined. It's my job and I don't really mind it.

7. I come from a long line if "scavengers". My family (mother, father, uncles, aunts...) loves flea markets, junk shops, and free stuff. We're always on the look-out for good stuff. You would think our houses are full of crap, but we're picky too, so we don't just take anything. C., my dad, my mom and I once carried a VERY heavy wrought iron, metal table up to our 5th floor walk-up. My dad had to stop at the 4th floor because I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. The table is still gorgeous and now enjoys a prime spot in our dining room. The things New Yorkers throw out! We would take romantic walks in the moonlight on trash night. And it's pretty common for my dad to call me and say "hey, take a drive over to such-and-such street and check out a blankety-blank on the side of the road". AND I GO! hee hee. My uncle gave us a lawnmower he found on the street and we have used it regularly for more than a year. Sickos - we can't help ourselves!

8. I've been teaching small children for almost 20 years - and I'm only 31! It's the only job I've ever had. I started when I was 12 at a daycare that a family friend owned. So maybe I wasn't exactly "staff" but I had a summer job. I took one summer off to clean houses and it was TERRIBLE. Other than that, I have had no other jobs - not waitressing or retail. When I got to college I vaguely considered being a bio major, but it lasted one semester and then I took education classes. It was meant to be. I love my job. I'm very lucky.

And that's it folks! Now you know more than you ever wanted to know about me. I think I did okay considering I was a meme virgin. The only person I tag is C. Go to it, baby!

#12, Down the Hatch!

The spermies are safely inside and hopefully running full-speed at S.'s egg right about now. #12 is behind us and in front of us all at the same time. To celebrate this momentus occasion we...cleaned S.'s mom's house.

We started a tiny little side "business" of cleaning houses over the summer, since neither of us could score summer school jobs, and we're broke teachers. This is perfect for us because we're relatively clean people, and I make a lot of cleaning stuff and/or use "earth friendly" products, which I think people are starting to appreciate these days. Besides S.'s mom's house, we're doing a family friend's home tomorrow. Even if it's just a little bit extra, it's nice to tuck away for some future summer fun. It at least takes our mind off the tww, if just for a little bit of time.

The other thing we're busy doing to bide our time is re-read every single Harry Potter book. S. is already halfway through #4, me through #3, and we just started Monday! We are crazed. We wanted to fully enjoy and appreciate #7. I'm sure others may think we are nuts, but those in the know, of course, know!

The Power of Visualization

I am feeling like we've had this blog for a long time. For giggles, I went back to our very first post in May of 2006:

"I don't know if or how our experiences trying to get pregnant will differ from the other women we've read about, but it certainly does help sort out your feelings on the whole matter, plus it's way cooler than making a lame-o scrapbook."

Ahhh, yes, better, than a scrapbook. But could I have imagined that we'd be on try #12 and still writing? I don't think so. But then again, what could I have imagined it would have been like a year and 2 months later? I think for all those women whose blogs we've been reading for a long time, and who are fortunate enough to either be pregnant or already have a baby, the future is easy to visualize--you have something certain in front of you. For those of us still on the bus, the future is less certain, even as we gain options with every cycle. It's just those cycles after cycles after cycles that just seem like a never-ending road in front of us.

But try #12 does give us something to look forward to--a stop off the bus, if you will. If it doesn't work this cycle, then insurance must cover our future reproductive plans--including IVF. That's right--S. worked her magic on one of our beloved nurses, who petitioned the insurance bitch about our challenge to the "exposure to sperm" clause in our insurance regulations, she made a call to our insurance and VOILE! Coverage. This leaves us unbelievably hopeful and happy. We know that doesn't translate into "easy"--but it gives us something to visualize for the future.

on the slow train

Still only 14 1/2 mm. And I think we're down to two. Continuing the medicine (which they continue to give me) and go in again on Tuesday for yet ANOTHER ultrasound and MORE bloodwork. At this rate, I don't anticipate doing the HCG shot even then. This is so not typical of this medicine. I am so aggravated. I never never would have guessed my body could be so ornery.

growing this, growing that

So I'm not so good at growing follicles. I am CD11, have been on 150IU of Gonal-F for the last 3 days and 112IU the 3 days before that. I have 3 follicles all on the smallish side, the biggest being 13mm. It's fine. I'm not saying it couldn't/won't work, but it's not the kind of results I thought I was buying. 3 more days of 150IU and we go back in on Sunday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I think they'll give me the trigger shot and we'll have a Tuesday insem. But, we'll see how my stubborn reproductive organs play along.

What I am good at growing is vegetables. Look at todays bounty!! My father, my uncle, my brother and I were having a "contest" for the first ripe tomato. DING DING DING, we have a winner! Of course there is no prize for this contest, just bragging rights. Fine by me! I'm doing the "I got the first red tomato" dance!! As a side note, and to add insult to injury with my father, there is something being said about organic gardening. I can't wait to eat it!

Digging Life

Yesterday was CD6 for us, since S.'s flow didn't really start flowing until the day after our CD1 ultrasound. She has one o.k. sized follicle along with 3 sorta-medium sized ones on one ovary, and a few really, really tiny ones on the other. They upped her G*nal shots to 150. We thought we might run out if we continue at that rate, so they gave us (gave us!) an entire pen to use just in case we ran out. Sometimes, we love our doctors and nurses! They really are so, so nice there. So it looks like we're set to go in on Friday.

In other non-babymaking related news, my poison ivy continues to drive me insane and we're in the midst of digging a patio in our backyard. Digging, for those of you unacquainted with it, is not fun, especially in the heat. I'm sure at the end of the summer, when we're lounging around on our fabulous new brick patio, we'll say, "Oh yeah, it was nothing--totally worth it!" But for now, we're scratching our heads wondering why we ever thought this was a good idea!

You're gonna need an ocean...

...but not of Calomine lotion--apparently it's out of style to use as a treatment for poison ivy these days. That's right--I have poison ivy. Pretty badly, too. Let's just say it's creeping upwards into regions you just do not want to have poison ivy in. Ugh.

I like to think most people get poison ivy accidentally--they're traipsing through the woods on a jolly walk-about, or they're hiking and just brush past it by accident. But me--no, not me! I willingly and voluntarily plucked poison ivy vines out of a bushy patch at the edge of our yard to make way for a rhubarb patch. Not that I did it with my bare hands. I had protection, of course! Rubber gloves up to my elbows, plastic bags tied around both hands and feet, and bucket of bleach in which to plunge the vile plant. I was foolhardy, though--I thought this would be protection enough. Turns out those plant oils can jump! Oh, lord, can they jump, and I did not shower immediately afterward, which is the cardinal rule of knowingly dealing with poison ivy exposure. I've been miserable and paying for it ever since.

To top it all off, I have a wedding to go to this Saturday (our 3rd of the summer). I'm trying to get it it quickly off of my arms, and luckily the biggest, weepiest patches are on my upper thighs. Since I'm not wearing my mini-dress to the wedding, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Anyone have any fool-proof cures for the poison ivy itching and rashes?

Just got home from NYC. We were there for a friend's 30th. I think this is the first time we've gone to visit since moving where we haven't even set foot in Manhattan. Well, okay, we did at the end--to get bagels at our former favorite neighborhood bagelry in our old hood--but for recreation purposes, we stayed squarely in Queens with a trip out to Long Island to Ik.ea. We purchased a kick-butt as-is outdoor chair for our patio. Not that our patio is built yet, but we're getting started this weekend.
Oh, and we came home to discover a flat tire on the Jeep. Great! What a lovely surprise. No idea how it happened. I haven't even driven is since June 20th! Ah well. That thing is on its last legs anyway.

S.'s flow was playing chicken with us for a while. At our day 3 ultrasound, our tech said S.'s lining was still really thick for being on day 3. Turns out her flow was feeling a little shy, so we weren't sure for a little while there if we were going to even be able to start with our meds this cycle--which wouldn't mean no cycle for us, but pretty much did because it would mean S.'s hormone levels were all out of whack. Luckily, the flow started flowing and we commenced as usual, and the blood test showed S.'s hormones on track for the beginning of her period. Phew! It's weird how foreign it all felt after over a month of not being there--the waiting room, the ultrasounds, interacting with techs and nurses and front desk people...but sort of a comfortable thing to fall back on, too. We have yet to broach the insurance issue with our doctor--we rarely see her on our trips into the clinic--so we'll have to call her. I really have no idea how available she is via phone, but I know to make an appointment in person with her, there's like, a two month wait or something crazy like that. Ugh! Imagine being that busy? I can't. I can't even find a summer job!

Back in the saddle...

I am ready to get going again. Fertility issues were by no means on our minds during our Alaska trip--at least not on mine. For a while, we got to forget about going to the doctor every other day, sticking needles into our stomachs, waiting for periods..all that really fun stuff. S.'s period came yesterday, which means we're back on track for insem. this month. This month is significant to us, because it represents the 12th time we will have done an insemination. Number 12 is like this magical, mystical number, because after try #12, insurance is supposed to cover everything. Everything. Sperm. IVF. Whatever. Everything.

Great! Is there a problem here then, you may be asking? Well, our doctor is saying we've only tried 9 times--she does not count the 3 at-home insems we did. I decided to call our insurance company on the down-low last month in anticipation of this moment and ask what they counted as "exposure to sperm," as the insurance company insists we must have for 12 months, and they said whatever the doctor says, counts. So now the task seems to be, if this cycle does not work, convincing our doctor that our at-homes counted and insurance said it counted so why not make everyone happy and count it??!! Why in the world would we spend $1500 on sperm for 3 months, only to waste it? I'm pretty sure I "exposed" S. to it. Not that the exposure amounted to anything, but still.

I know I've ranted about this before, but it's just so annoying to have to prove that S. has been trying to conceive outside a doctor's office. Why the hell else would lesbians buy sperm?!?! Some crazy science experiment??

Oh well. Hopefully none of this will matter and this month will be it. Knowing our dumb luck, it will. The one cycle before everything is to be covered, and our full coverage kicks in, we get pregnant. I can only keep hoping!!

Speaking of saddles...S. looks good on a horse, don't you think? This was the one Alaska outing I was not sure of, but we had a great time!

We are so wonked out and exhuasted from the flight back. We've been up for about 30 hours. I'm trying to hold out and go to bed at a reasonable time. But, I can't wait to catch up on all the blogging..tomorrow probably. Thought I'd check in and leave you with a few shots of our unbelievable trip.

The awe-inspiring Mt. McKinley. 20,000 feet of ice! A moose in our neighborhood in Anchorage. I was a moose virgin... And both of us in front of Holgate glacier, a tidewater glacier off the coast.

ALASKA or bust!

Thank you...

...Massachusetts, for letting me stay married. We didn't celebrate, but I certainly gave S. a nice peck on the cheek and told her sorry, she's stuck with me until further notice. I suppose it's a nice predicament to be in, and I know all my fellow Mass bloggers feel the same, so congrats to all of you, too =)

In other news...prepare for a blogging hiatus as we get set to travel to Alaska. We are being forced to take this cycle off, but I think we will be enjoying ourselves too much to mind (hopefully). I know we've been blogger slackers lately, but the ending of school is usually the most hectic time of year---giving and correcting exams, cleaning out classrooms, doing grades, professional development...it can be quite overwhelming, even though it's supposed to be relieving. Please know that we've been faithfully following along with all of your journeys, too, in the process of slacking off about writing of ours.

I went to graduation today--I didn't know the seniors too well, but I did teach seniors this year. It was...nice. I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did, but it really did make me proud to see the look of joy on each of those kids' faces as they heard their name called to get their diploma. Ten years ago, I did the same, and I can hardly remember it! How fast the time goes by. It can make you nauseated if you think about it too hard. Anyway, it made me think of my high school days and compare them to where I am now. Had you told me that, in ten years, I'd be married, a lesbian, living in Western Mass, a teacher, and trying to have a baby, I would have laughed in your face! What funny turns your life can take!

i can't even imagine it

It's a no...again.

And we miss next cycle because of our travel plans. At least I can have a few (or more) when we're in Alaska.

-s

Blog Bash

I have to admit, I was kinda nervous for our 'blind-date' with Western MA bloggers. I am not entirely comfortable in potentially awkward social situations - especially without a glass of wine. I was so happily relieved. Over a delicious lunch at the Noho Brewery and ice cream at H*rrells we easily chatted about incredibly good toddler behavior, travel plans, the melding of last names, jobs, seafood, religion, life in the "happy valley", pregnancy, dogs and cats, NYC, and, most importantly, a love of games. I LOVE playing games. So, the date went well. I think we may have found some real live friends!

In other news, our little doggy love, Ringo, has a tear in a valve in his heart. This is serious, but better than the news I've been expecting all week. I have to tell you, I went to school this week so I would have to stop crying. I was so incredibly stressed and worried because all the signs pointed to heart disease, which could mean weeks or months. Instead we have a dog that we have to treat like a "heart patient" - low-sodium diet, no prolonged vigorous exercise or excitement, daily medication, yearly EKG's and ultrasounds, daily tooth brushing and yearly teeth cleaning. It's all worth it - I love my dog. If my doggy-mommying is any indication of what I'll be like with a baby - WATCH OUT!

BTW, we test on Wednesday. Probably not before. I feel normal normal normal. ugh.

-s

Slow week, summer work

This feels like the slowest tww we've ever had. I don't know if that's good or bad. I can't describe it-it just feels like the world is slowing down, and at the same time flying by us. This weekend was a bit of a whirlwind, so maybe that's why time seems so screwy--a long weekend, coupled with 50 million things to do (including vegetable garden planting and a flat tire on the Mass Pike). Usually, staying busy makes the tww fly by, but it's only been one week. One slooow week. Hopefully the next week will speed up a bit. Once next week is gone, school is basically over and our trip to Alaska is one week sooner. Yippee!

In frustrating, sad, and expensive news, I took our dog Ringo into the vet this afternoon because he has a loose tooth, and she discovered a heart murmur. An EKG for a dog? A cool $230. And then, being knocked out for a dental cleaning and tooth extraction? Probably another $250 more. Add to that two new tires from our flat on Saturday and another potential month of injectibles and that equals two broke teachers. Guess who's working this summer?!

Blue Light Special, Aisle 9

There has apparently been a run on SuperSperm since we've ordered him. We checked out his profile again last night, only to find that he now has "limited availability." What?! He was fresh and copious a mere 2 weeks ago! I knew he was too good to be true (isn't that always the way with the good ones?)!

So--what does this mean? For us, nothing yet. We don't know if S.S. and S.'s eggs met and lived happily ever after in her uterus, and won't know for 2 weeks. And then what...will we keep trying with him? What if we want to keep going ad nauseum with him, carrying him with us into potential IVF cycles and then he's not available anymore? We've never faced this particular dilemma before, though I know of it happening to others around the blogosphere here. It's really...aggravating! Someone else--taking my baby daddy? The nerve! Before now, I'd never considered our anonymous sperm donor "public property" but that's totally what he is. Guess I should get used to sharing.

S.S. to the Rescue!

For the first time in a looong time, S. had a relatively painless insemination. Fairly easy going in (though the curve of her cervix always trips up that catheter!), and...NO CRAMPING afterwards. We were shocked. We each took the whole day off of school to allow S. to recover and me to attend to her, but she ended up being just a little bit sleepy and pretty much fine. We're attributing this to our new sperm sample, who we like to call "Super Sperm" (or S.S.). He can do everything--including be nice to S.'s uterus. So we are starting off on a great foot, I think.

Though S. thinks it's all b*llsh*t, the nurse told us today it's not the quantity of follicles, but the quality the injectible meds can produce--which you fine folks out there have sort of been telling us all along. I bought it--I just hope S.'s uterus bought it, too.

Rain on our (follicle) parade

This weekend was kind of a wash-out--rain, rain, and more rain. There went our grand plans for finishing up our garden boxes. At any rate, we had another u/s on Saturday morning, bright and early, only we got some sort of unexpected news--one of S.'s big follicles fizzled out and away, while we had about 3 mildly juicy one. I thought, hey, okay, 3 follicles actually maturing this far--this is good.

S. thought otherwise. I didn't realized until we were done that S. was crying on the table, and then I said something insensitive to our Dr. - "She was expecting to have about 50 mature eggs." Or, I realized later it was insensitive. When I think about it, okay, we're spending $600 a month on this new medicine, for what? Results that are only a step above what we had on Clomid, for the most part. So what's the point? What's the big, grand, expensive point??

I really think that the fact that we have more than ONE follicle is good, and Clomid did not give us that. Her estrogen levels are growing nicely and her uterine lining is good. All this is GOOD. BAD for S., though. I think she had mega-high expectations going into this cycle that fell a bit short. And, when you're pumped up with massive amounts of hormones, this can sort of set you off.

I feel sad for S. I feel sad for me. I feel sad that ttc'ing is not joyous as it is with most straight couples (I am imagining--I know it's not the reality, but at least they get to have sex in the process,for the most part). I feel sad that a baby might be conceived in a stressful environment like this. But..I feel hopful that once we get that BFP, it'll all fade and we'll leave this chapter of our lives behind us for good.

How To Tell If Your Wife Is On Injectible Fertility Meds

1. She cries 3 times a day at school, for both happy and sad reasons
2. She bawls you out for accidentally running over the curb pulling out of Dunkin' Donuts in her car, letting you know you can never drive a small car and can only and ever driver a big, clunky truck
3. She swears and kicks at the lawnmower repeatedly
4. It's her birthday, her favorite time of the year, and she isn't interested at all

Can we say these hormones are having some effect on our little S? You betcha! The ultrasound today revealed that she has 3-4 follicles on one ovary and 1 on the other. Kind of disappointing, actually, so we're upping her dosage for the next 3 days. Should be a blast given the weekend's outbursts above. But as long as it works, I can tolerate any of it.

Do you hear that, baby? I love you, outbursts and all! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

--cd

Injectibility

Well, seeing as our last cycle was yet another failure, here we are on to injectible meds. Yes kids, on to the expensive stuff. $50 a dose. There is $600 worth of drugs sitting in my refrigerator as I type. Last night was our first injection, and I actually wasn't nervous at all, and S. took it like a champ. When she got home from school today, I asked if the medication was giving her any strange side effects, to which she replied: "I cried three times." What?! Well, I laughed at her, but I thought it was a good sign because it meant her hormones were really raging around down there.

Then there's this tricky thing about Fifth's disease..I guess one of S.'s student's siblings has it, and her student may have it, but it's one of those things you don't know you have until you have a rash and by then you've already infected the next person. For those of you who don't know, Fifth's disease is kind of like chicken pox and is HIGHLY dangerous to pregnant women. Our real estate agent, in fact, lost her baby when she was 5 months pregnant because her daughter brought it home. How heartbreaking is that? Our nurses at the clininic, however, were remarkably nonchalant about the whole thing, assuming S. is already immune due to her many years working with little kids. We'll find out Sunday, but in the meantime, we're still taking meds with the chance that we may have to stop this cycle if we find out S. is not, in fact, immune. And there will be $200 worth of G*nal F shot into her belly, all for nada.

In happier news, we're going to the first Brimfield Antique Show this weekend and then a birthday party with people we love hanging out with. Yipster!

Happy Bloggiversary!

It's been a year to the day that we have been posting our travels in the land of (in)fertility. Sigh. I miss the naive days when I thought I could do this "naturally", when every twinge was a potential sign of pregnancy, when I treated everyday like the tww, when we gazed at my cervix lovingly and temped every single day, when the drugs were just a small co-pay, when shopping for sperm was silly and exciting. I am exhausted, sad, and really really disapointed. I need to get some of the hope back.

As I sat at my 30th birthday party, drinking seltzer, in my first tww, I remember thinking "at least next year I'll have a baby to celebrate with - or at the very least, I will be pregnant." Here comes 31.

Sorry so low.

Yesterday I had a giant DD caffeinated ice coffee, a 6 pack of Opa-Opa Red Rock Ale, and a half-pack of M*rlboro Ultra Lights. Can you guess what the pee-stick said?

I guess strange stomach feelings are *not* a sign of pregnancy for me. This is never going to happen.

waiting

I've noticed (my research being the million blogs I read) that some women LOVE to pee-on-a-stick and others hold off as long as they can. I am of the latter group. I will wait wait wait and just hold out hope for as long as I can. And that's a long time because the prometrium bullets I'm taking hold off my period - so I have to test. Other women start on 10dpo, testing each day until the positive or until the period comes. I couldn't stand that daily disapointment.

So here I am, 13 dpiui, and I haven't yet tested. And I don't plan on testing tomorrow. I just can't do it and then go to work with young children. Bad for the psyche. Sometime over the weekend, I promise.

-s

Halfway there!

7 dpiui. Halfway home. I'm trying a different approach this time around. I've decided not to talk about it too much - here or in real-life. Keeping this go-around low key.

On another note, the fertility pharmacy we're working with "accidentally" shipped and charged me for next months injectible meds. Oops. Yes, $600 worth of gonal-f is sitting in my refrigerator. Medication I **hopefully** won't need. I've worked it out with the company that I will be able to return it if necessary. Annoying...

But wouldn't that make a great story? How ironic!
-s

Cranky Pant

I can't stop eating nacho chips and I need to go downstairs to cook something REAL to eat. Just a quick update, though...obviously S.'s cramps subsided--but not for about an hour, and she was really out of commission. I heard this was bad--one of the book we've read said that cramping causes unnecessary distress in you uterus, making it less likely to accept sperm. But...then I read a bunch of message boards where women had terrible cramping after an IUI and got pregnant that cycle, so who knows--guess every body is different. The nurses and Babymaking Clinic told her to take some extra-strength Tylenol (which does squat for S. most of the time, but oh well).

That's all...that and S. and I are really aggravating each other. I think we need to get outside--we've been cooped up too long!

Commence IUI #7

The deed is done. It happened this morning. I can't post a long, detailed post because C.'s mom is in town and that's rude. But a quick update...necessary. It was relatively painless at the office, but an hour after, starting in the grocery store parking lot, I got the WORST cramps. I cramped constantly for about and hour and a half. It was really painful - severe cramping. Has that ever happened to anyone? Is there still a chance this could work? I like of to think of the sperm in the uterus dancing around banging into the walls because they're so excited to be here. But I'm worried that the sperm got in there and said, "Woh, I heard she's a lesbian, let's get the hell out of here!"

Why Straight Women Can Be Annoying

I love straight women. Really, I do. LOVE them. Most women I know and love are, in fact, straight women. But sometimes, when it comes to their fertility, they just don't know how lucky they have it!

Example. We went to our "How To Shoot Expensive Meds Correctly Into Your Body" workshop with a lovely nurse from the hospital. 2 other women were there, both definitely straight and without their husbands present. The first problem is that the seminar is very hetero-centric. Not that I was offended by that, but the nurse made sure to tell ALL of us, without exception, that after we take the hcg shot, we should have intercourse that night. Hmmm....now, I could, indeed, have intercourse the same night, but it probably wouldn't have the same result as these other two women.

Okay, problem number two was that the nurse assumes that everyone's uber-expensive fertility drugs are going to be covered by insurance, as are all the procedures (IUI, ultrasounds, etc.). For us, not so much. So that really vexed me. And here's why it vexed me more--these other two women, while I'm sure were perfectly nice, clearly didn't have as great a clue as WE, the two gay women who aren't having their procedures covered. We know what an IUI is, we know how to go through the rigamarole of inseminations, we know what an HCG shot does, and we know when we can inseminate after an HCG has been given. These two didn't seem as clued in. Now granted, if they're at this point in their conception--to the point of injectible fertility meds, that is--they probably have some clue as to their inner working. You know, timing ovulations, temping, blah blah blah....but it just didn't seem like they were on the same page as us.

I guess I really shouldn't be crowing about this, because for one thing, their sperm is free, and another, the meds are probably covered. So what do we get for being so knowledgable and with it? A big, fat credit card bill.

Pokey little puppies

Looks like we're on the slow boat this month, not the express train. S.'s follicles, while still numbering more than 1, are growing very, verrrrry slowly. I think the biggest one right now, from Thursday to Monday, grew from 10 to 14 mm. Hmmm...the u/s tech told us to come back Thursday, which is so ridiculous because we have to go there on Wednesday for injectible meds. orientation. And I assume we'll also be back Friday or Saturday for the insem. That's just way more days than I'd like to spend at the hospital.

In other unrelated news...this rain is just ridiculous. We honestly thought the "brook" behind our house was going to bust up over the bank and flood our house. The brook looked more like a gushing white-water rapids yesterday. We were afraid to let Ringo, our doggy, out back too far for fear he'd get swept away! Ahh! Luckily the Westfield River has seemed to recede some, enough that we're not afraid that our house is going to get washed out. Fun vacation times!

U/S update

Took a gander at my follies this morning. They are small - all about 10mm - but there are 3 on the left and 1 on the right. I've decided to take this as good news. Small, yes, but the amount is a big improvement. Now, no way to know right now if they will all keep growing at the same pace, but it's a good start. It's different than the past - and at this stage in the game, different is good. Let's do a recap:
1st try at R.E.(Clomid)-day 12, 1 follicle 25mm, triggered at office, insem 24 hours later
2nd try at R.E(Clomid)-day 11, 2 follicles 15mm, triggered days later, insem 36 hours later
TODAY(Clomid) - day 11, 4 follicles 10mm, going for another ultrasound Monday AM....

Weird, but there is a pattern there. Slower growing follicles, but more of them. Any similar experiences - particularly good ones?

What this also means is that I will be able to head into the city this weekend! Yeah! We've been feeling the need to get out of the cold wet country. Drink some wine (I know, tsk..tsk), plan our trip to Alaska with friends, and celebrate a friends 30th!

Down Time

We're not so super-duper psyched up over here these days. I guess we're just waiting around until S. is ready for her next insemination, which should be over the next week or so. This is a Clomid-only cycle, since we have to take an official class with a nurse on how to inject those expensive drugs correctly into S.'s body. I'm not really looking forward to it--I could barely manage the hcg shot into the belly in February. Doing the shot itself was fine, of course--it's physically shoving a needle into your loved one's body that is a little intimidating. Big props to all my diabetic peeps out there and their family members--don' t know how you do it every day!

Other than that, we've been keeping very busy lately--planning our garden, raking the lawn, planting peas, knitting, dinner...fun stuff. And vacation next week. Hopefully it will be warm enough to feel inspired to dig up our garden and build our raised beds. Otherwise, we're mellowing out, hoping those follicles are growing nice and plump and juicy.

Confirmed

We waited for over a half an hour in our R.E.'s office on Friday--an auspicious beginning. What resulted from the meeting wasn't half-bad, though. Confirmation that in all likelihood, S.'s ovaries and uterus are completely normal and that we've just been unlucky. Further confirmation that we have to do 12 in-office, under-meds inseminations for insurance coverage to kick in. And, the big blow, a confirmation of how much injectible meds are going to cost us. Let's just say it's a lot. And that we'll be spending about $500 more per cycle now.

Well, starting in May, actually...and May represents the one-year anniversary of us trying to get pregnant. So, for our May cycle, after we've ordered the drugs and we've taken the class on how to shoot ourselves up, off we go. Looks like this month we're just going to do another Clomid cycle and hope for the best.

I really hope this is it--because the thought of doing this 6 more times with a doctor, another HALF A YEAR, seems gruelling and mentally impossible at this point. You know, as if the insurance company has any freaking right to tell us that home inseminations don't count. What about straight couples who can just saunter into a doc's office and tell them they've been trying for a year?? So not fair.

On the upside of things, it finally felt like Spring this weekend. If you want to see something funny, check out S. vacuuming our lawn!

Sassy-slacks begone!

To help reassure that I am not always a grouchy ol' sad-sack!

Things for which I am currently thankful:

1. new hope packaged in a RE appointment tomorrow morning to discuss new protocol
2. a thoroughly vigorous and reenergizing yoga class
3. my darling animal yin-yang

Green.

I was NOT looking forward to yesterday. I was dreading it for a week or so. In fact, it may have inspired a major meltdown/breakdown/pity party I threw for myself on Friday night. Yes, many a tear and sob was shed over several hours the night before. Wait till you hear why...

I had to go to a baby shower, for a baby girl, for someone who started trying after I did. Poor me. I know I am over-dramatizing this situation, but honestly, for me, this was really hard. Let me add, that I do, in fact, really like this couple. It's so dangerous for me to fawn over little, soft, pink, things - things I cannot have.

I want this month on the sidelines to be over. I want to get back to the business of making a baby. Hopefully with some new inspiration from our RE who we see on Friday. Because I really need the inpiration - the 'this is never gonna happen' vibe is making me crazy.

-s

Things to remember: A List

1. Snow gets heavy when it's over 4" high; then you need a snowblower
2. Little dogs get lost in the snow when it's higher than they are
3. People in massachusetts loooove st. patrick's day
4. People in massachusetts loooove beer, a parade, and st. patrick's day
5. Mixing Guiness, Bailey's and Jameson is tasty and bad, all at the same time.

City Dork, Country Dork

I may now officially be a country girl, ahem, nee dork. Know what I'm looking forward to this weekend? The Maple festival. Yes, that's right--March is Massachusetts Maple Month (catch the illiteration?) and on Saturday, it'll be a day of tapping demonstrations, a parade, lots of syrup and other maple goodies for sale, and..I don't really know what else. But doesn't it sound COOL?

That is one of the ONLY good things about March around here--there are so many sugar shacks that start opening up once the sap starts a-flowin', and they're open for breakfast much of the morning and into early afternoon on the weekends. My recommendation is High Hope Sugar Shack, in...hmm, where is that place..somewhere on Rt. 20. Worthington, I believe. Unlimited pancakes, eggs, bacon & sausage served with, of course, their own maple syrup, made on-site. Glorious!

Here's the link for High Hopes. I'm sure you can find some other sugar shacks from the website, too: http://www.hidden-hills.com/highhopes

Housing Authority

When it comes to getting things done around our house, S. is definitely the task master. This past week, we accomplished many-a-project, including painting our bedroom, touching up all the places we accidentally painted the ceiling, and making curtains for our pantry cabinets (which were cabinet door-less). She is amazing! Without her, I wouldn't get anything done. Plus all this running-around house-stuff keeps our mind off the baby-stuff, which is on hold until next month. So, no ttc this month--we meet with Dr. Impossible on the 30th to see what the next step shall be and how much it's going to cost us.

In the meantime, like I mentioned, we're doing stuff around the house and getting psyched up for our garden. This weekend the snow really started melting, so it kicked our desire for spring into super-high gear. We're planning a raised bed-style garden. It'll be our first done all on our own (and it's going to be organic!), so be sure to follow our trials and tribulations over here. That's our house blog called "Those Girls Next Door" which I abandoned after just a few posts due to major stress at work and babymaking and generally adjusting to life in a completely new surrounding. Turned out two blogs was too much for me to deal with, but I think I'm prepared for the responsibility now.

There's pictures there, too.

Not just unlucky

There's a title I think I need to start trying on....infertile. 3IVI's and 6IUI's (4 with Clomid) and still no pregnancy. That's something to consider.

Domestic Bliss

Some visions of the domestic goddess I was today:

Painting the bedroom--bu-bye, turquoise! It was a good run, but we won't miss you. Helloooo Ralph Lauren "Sisal"!













Yum! Sugar cookies! (Because I didn't have any more chocolate chips in the house!)














Of course, I also had the not-so-fun job of calling around and making appointments for us. If this cycle turns out to be a dud like the others, we have to go to injectible fertility meds. Which means we have to somehow see Dr. Impossible so we can get the lowdown on what meds she recommends for us and then attend an orientation on how to shoot them into your body. Fun times. Next available appointment: March 30. If we weren't taking next cycle off, we'd be slightly screwed now, wouldn't we? Luckily I think we'll be able to manage by having a little phone chat and just attending the orientation ourselves. And then there's the cost..I'm not talking about that right now and insist on not talking about it until we actually reach that phase--which will be never, because this cycle is going to be it.

It's true what they say...

People say that teachers hardly work, and I guess this time, they'd be correct. S. had a delay this morning (with a puny accumulation of maybe 3" on the ground) and I had a...cancellation! Yes, we just had the last week off of work for February vacation, and now I get my vacation extended an extra day. AND we're supposed to get dumped on Friday. Don't worry--we'll be making these days up at the end of the year, and then you'll be laughing at us.

Not to worry about me, though--S. left me a "list" of things to accomplish today. I think I can handle it, though I am perpetually lazy and have about a million tests to correct that I sort of let fester over break. But I'm awake, semi-dressed, and ready for some more caffeine to get my list done. Maybe I'll even tackle painting the bedroom-alone!

A List

Here's a list of things you can do to while away the tww. (We did all of these things this week, in fact!)

• dehydrate bananas and apples in your parents' food dehydrator from the 1980's
• make granola
• finish knitting and sewing projects lying around the house
• go to Mass MoCA
• go visit your mom
• drive through a snow storm for pizza in Northampton
• mail packages to your friends who just had babies
• repaint your bedroom

I think we would be doing those things even if we weren't in the tww, seeing as we were both on February vacation this week from our schools. But, that is everything we've accomplished this week. It definitely fell short of our "master list" of things to get done during our vacation, but I'd say all in all, we did alright!

Yuck Day

S. bled and cried, but the swimmers are inside. (Hey, I didn't even mean that to rhyme, but it did). I think that it's good thing we are taking next month off if this doesn't work. Emotionally, I don't think we can do another month straight through like this. Also, how bad is this---our actual doctor came in to do the insemination today and we didn't even recognize her! Oh, babymaking clinic...

Tww, here we are (again).

Snow Day!

Off the subjet for a second, Blogger finally broke me down and I had to switch over to signing in with my Google account, something I've been resisting. I'm never going to remember how to log in now!

Back to the subject--it's a snow day! And it's Valentine's Day, which means S. and I get to spend the day snuggled up together on the couch, watching trashy daytime tv and eating junk food. Sounds glorious, no? (It's great that we're both teachers on days like this.) S. goes in for her ultrasound tomorrow to see the status of the little follicles. They were a tad too big last time we did the insem, so the people at the clinic are thinking that earlier by a day or two will be better for us. Hopefully we'll be able to do the insemination on Friday, because we're supposed to go to Martha's Vineyard this weekend. I will be quite annoyed if we don't get to go because we're waiting on S.'s follicles to plump up.

Not that I'm mad at the follicles or at S. or even at the fact that we're insemming for the 9th time--but that I have constantly been rearranging my life as we've been ttcing. I'm just so sick of it being an interference, and I don't want to look at it that way--I want it to be exciting and hopeful and a good, positive event. I think I need to shed the negativity, say that it is what it is, and hopefully let some more positive energy help us this time around.

Just Take It...

It doesn't seem like we're getting a reprieve from being NOT pregnant anytime soon, so I'm telling myself to just take it and deal with it and look ahead to next month.

But when I look ahead to next month, I get nervous. Next month is the last month using Clomid only. And if this doesn't work, then what, you may be wondering. On to injectibles. Swell. How much does this cost, you might ask. Great question--and I do NOT have an answer to it. How much does insurance cover? No clue. Will S. undergo any testing to see if there's anything "wrong"? Umm, not sure.

So you see my nervousness. I am just not sure of anything past next month, and S. has said that she refuses to ttc in March because she doesn't want a December baby. I guess that's considerate of her--it does suck having a birthday close to Christmas, as many of our close friends will contest, and this year her cousin screwed up the holidays when her baby wasn't born until the 23rd. I guess one positive is that we can control (sorta) these things when we're planning like this.

boo

More disapointment for us.

1 down, 1 to go

Quick update - I'm not testing until next Sunday. So that means we're half way through. It's 8 dpiui and I'm hopeful but not too hopeful. Trying to find the balance.
I wish Monday wouldn't come so fast.
-sp

Yoga for Babies

Usually, after S. is inseminated, I talk to her belly for the next 2 weeks, telling the little mass of cells to divide, then burrow, then grow into a baby. Obviously this hasn't worked yet, so I'm taking a new approach--I'm "om"-ing to the baby. If you're familiar with yoga, you know that chanting "om" is meant to represent the sound that the nervous system makes as it relaxes and recharges your body. So, it's the representation of the life force (sorta-kinda). I thought this would work since, you know, I really want there to be some spark of life in that there belly, and maybe it just needs a little urging on to keep dividing and forming into a little thing of a person.

Does anyone else do something unusual or special to their or their partner's tummy after insemination? While pregnant? I think it's pretty cute, don't you?

It's a whopper!

Well, S.'s follicle measured 25mm today, so she's shot up with the good stuff and we're insemming tomorrow. Thank goodness that, in babymaking town, its babymaking factories are open 7 days a week! I think I really do love it there-as much as one can love a gigantic, clinical, sterile place where hundreds of infertile women gather to become pregnant. So, bottoms up--here's hoping our next vial is our last.

Complete arse

Sometimes I do feel like an arse when I'm around pregnant people, or people who just had children (to be fair, I sort of feel the same as when I'm around a certain teacher at school whose wife just had a baby--my jerkiness knows no bounds). Like S., I feel like a volcano inside. I think I have actually said things to myself like "Wow, her face sure is getting fat" as I watch one of the guidance counselors at my school grow into her pregnancy. What a jerky thing to think! I scold myself immediately, but deep down I know it's just jealously and annoyance.

Then other times it's just numbness. Tonight at the hopsital, where we were visiting S.'s Meme (she's come down with pneumonia), she asked if we were still trying. I felt so completely unenthusiastic about this. Our answers have been boiled down to "Yup, still tryin'." Like it's a..I don't know..like we're trying to score a goal, learn to sew, or run an 8-minute mile. And then this Friday, S. is going to get her follicles measured. Usually this is the exciting part, because it means the insemination is coming soon. But I'm just like---yup, going to the doctors, getting the follicles measured, ho-hum....

I am having a hard time maintaining my enthusiasm for much lately. I don't know if it's the damn cold front that's finally decided to roll into the Northeast, the trying to be pregnant, the feeling of being cooped up inside, not liking my job, etc. etc. blah de blah...I could go on with my complaints and speculations. All in all, I'd say I'm not the greatest, most supportive person to be around right now. So, my apologizes to S. and anyone else I may have offended lately with my lack of anything resembling interest or enthusiasm or, well...giving a damn. I'd like to say it will be better (for me and all I affect) soon, but I'm just not so sure how soon.

On the flip side...I have made a conscious choice to exercise tomorrow, on a treadmill, so maybe I'll be feeling more chipper with the onset of endorphins..

SLOW DOWN..I'm coming!

Is it unreasonable for me to ask the world to please stop populating while I catch up? Is it unreasonable for me to begrudge other people their pregnancies? Now, I don't begrudge pregnancies out-loud or to their face, it's just a silent jealousy that bubbles up inside. I try to take the emotions as they come and sort them out however I can. This has been more of an emotional rollercoaster than anything I have ever been through before. I am a relatively successful woman, one who puts her all into something she wants to do and goes forward until she's achieved a semblance of mastery. Until I decide I want more...that's the women's college education in me, I think. I'm full of pride, a quick-learner and wicked efficient. Well, try as I might, and damn have I tried...I cannot achieve. I've read the books, taken the hints, explored the parts, ordered the tools, eaten the food, exercised the body and NOTHING. I'm not used to failure. And that is what this is.
So, yes, because I have worked hard and wanted and hoped - I am allowed to feel jealousy and frustration toward women who have achieved pregnancy without the hard work and tears. I don't like these women any less, I don't wish them malice, I hope their pregnancy is easy and healthy...it's just hard to watch. I will wish them the congratulations they are due, even as my eye twitches and heart breaks. So, if I have any pregnant readers (or readers at all) I apologize if this offends. Do other "trying" women feel anything similar?

This post arose after a visit this weekend to the city, where every woman, in every borough, is pregnant. I even suspect those who tell me they aren't. Sick, huh?

Yet Another

This blog is getting really boring. I even find myself bored with it, and it's my own life, so that's really saying something. So, sorry, what readers of this blog may be out there, for over here in babymaking town, we're just not feeling too peppy or in the mood to blog much lately. We got yet another negative test result. (Which translates into: Yet another holiday season of drinking and smoking down the tubes for S.) There was the faintest glimmer of hope, when the cheap Brooke's brand preggo test I bought (which looks alarmingly like an OPK) showed the faintest, teensiest line in the "pregnant" box. We sprung for a more expensive kind, but it was a no-go--we got our negative result this morning.

This leaves us facing an 8th insemination. I feel okay only because we'll be doing it with the baby factory nurses, who are just so incredibly awesome at doing IUIs that it's almost like "Yippee! Another chance!" Maybe we're not that enthusiasic--it is, after all, hard to maintain your enthusiasm after doing the same darn thing 7 darn times--but I think we both feel comfort in the smoothness with which their operation is run.


But I am getting really bored of this routine.

Happy New Year!

Finally back home after a few days away visiting friends in Philly. Fun times! Cheesesteaks at Geno's (whoa, there was a lot of neon!), Italian Market in South Philly (go Rocky!), and of course seeing friends we hadn't seen since June--that's a really long time to go without seeing friends you were used to seeing like, at least twice a month. We had an extremely low-key New Year's Eve affair, hanging out, knitting, and stuffing our faces. Pretty much anytime there's stuffing of faces involved, I'm having fun. The food was yummy. We patriotically visited the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. I took a pictures of S. and our buddy Laura (who lives there) at the back of the Liberty Bell, so I didn't get the crack in the picture. But there was no one back there! Who wants a picture of a crack anyway?!

I have no clue what I am doing with any of my classes tomorrow, so I'm off to write some lesson plans. No news yet on S., obviously. She's feeling kind of crappy, but that might just be from the face stuffing we did all day yesterday (and all weekend for that matter).

Happy New Year!

Smooth operators

IUI complete! Baby factory doctors are GOOD. Oh my god, was she good. It was so easy. No cramping, no waiting, no hesitation, no tenaculum. (If you don't know what that is google it and then protect your private parts.) I guess that's why it's a bona-fide baby factory. It makes my NYC inseminations feel a little...well...dirty. Dark abandon hospital room, Dr. carrying our equipment in his pocket, warming sperm in unknown nurse's coffee mug (yes, that happened!) without a thermometer or microscope, tenaculum present and used. As much as a loved Dr. K, I just didn't realize what this "should" be like.

So, I'm feeling good. Really good. 1 DPO good - we ALWAYS feel good during this part of the tww. I am going to try to remain calm, open-minded and relaxed over the next two weeks. I'm going to go to as many yoga classes as my body and wallet will allow. And...I'm going to Philly for New Years where my long-lost friend is going to take such good care of me and give me lots of lovin'!
-sp

Plump up the volume...

I guess S.'s ovaries responded to the Clomid, because she had a plump, juicy 22mm follicle ready to bust out of there. So, she had the HCG shot TODAY, which means we're insemming TOMORROW. I have to call out sick for school, which makes me sad. I did want to say good-bye, Merry Christmas, see you next year, etc., to my students. Plus I have like, no sub plans ready, tomorrow being the last day before Christmas vacation and me planning to do things like read "Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus" and analyze the deeper meaning behind it. Um, yeah. (I'm an English teacher, can't you tell?)

So, tomorrow is our day. First insem. at the baby factories--and with strangers. We always had Dr. K. do ours; it was personal and cozy and intimate, and now we'll be one of many passing through that day, hoping sperm and egg miraculously join while we sit it out for the next two weeks. Merry merry!

Plump 'er up!

We have been quite the slacker bloggers lately. Holidays plans have basically swallowed us whole and all we've been doing is shopping, cleaning, and planning. We decided to have Christmas Eve at our house this year--a move prompted by my missing of the traditional Italian Christmas Eve called Night of the 7 Fishes. No one knows why we crazy Italians eat 7 fishes on Christmas Eve, but it's a tradition that I whole-heartedly miss (FYI for those who don't know--S., my dad, and I can't be in the same room, house, or state together due to my father's lack of acceptance of my "lifestyle"--so no more family holiday gatherings for me, unfortunately).

Baby planning is going well. S. goes in for an ultrasound tomorrow to check the status of her plump Clomid follicles. Of course, with a new doctor's office, there's a whole new set of procedures to follow and forms to fill out. We finally got it straightened out, but not before I had a mini-nervous breakdown last night about taking care of all the details. I've been very emotionally fragile lately and little things have set me off. It makes me wonder what kind of mother I am going to be--will I always be so impatient with my kids as I am with life? That's not good.

But back to babies..looks like we may be insemming either right before or immediately after Christmas--we're going to learn how to administer the HCG shot ourselves so that we can do it on Christmas day if need be, putting us in a good spot for a Dec. 26th insem. We're hoping the higher doses of Clomid this cycle will make those follicles numerous and plump.

*deep sigh*

Not our turn yet. 5 days ago, I would have sworn I was pregnant. nope. This process f*cks with your head in a serious way.

Miracle of...ewwww, weird....

Not that we're there yet, but S. and I thought it would be fun to rent The Miracle of Life from the library to prepare us for what happens inside the body when a baby is growing there. You know, to remind us of what may be going on inside of S.'s body right now. The only thing either of us remembered from our 8th grade (S.) and 9th grade (me) viewings during health class was the lady's bush, following by her popping out a kid. And sure enough---that's pretty much the only thing we remembered after watching it again!

Not that it's "gross" per se--but S. definitely felt a pang of nausea after watching it. The woman filmed gives birth for all of like, 2 minutes, and without a scream to be heard. Aside from the "money shot" (as S. referred to it), it was fairly fascinating to see the sperm and egg interact inside the body, and then to see them on a molecular level. I had no clue what I was looking at half the time, but it was cool anyway.

We're almost done with the tww. We're feeling, well..I don't know. Inconclusive. S.'s boobs hurt a lot this week, following by not hurting today, so who knows. We're trying to hold out testing until Tuesday, then we need to figure out whether we should go in for a blood test at the baby factory--it would really suck if S. was actually pregnant and had stopped taking her progesterone supplements (aka "hoo-hah bullets") because we never went in for a beta. So that's our stat. No news yet, but soon to come!

Thanks for Wreaths and Suppositories

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Hope Turkey Day went swell. This time last year, we were watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and had ordered our Thanksgiving dinner from Fresh Direct. It was swell. This year was a little different. We not only made dinner, but made wreathes. Wreathes! Made with freshly-snipped greens from S.'s parents yard. They looked like that. Snazzy, right? (Mine is the one in the middle. It's leafy and wild, like me!)

Anyway, we think all went well for the insem. S. is feeling some twinges, but of course I know it's her obsessing. Stupid me forgot to take the tank to school with me. I know what you're thinking--you showing your students your sperm tank or what?! But the FedEx facility is about 10 mins. from school. OR about 40 mins. from our house. So now I have to call tomorrow to find out if I can drop it off Monday. Our doc has S. on progesterone suppositories, which is fine. The weird thing about them is that they're the same one Dr. K. had prescribed her to take ORALLY. These are to be taken VAGINALLY. Is that not totally bizarre?! I understand it's the same thing, and it's better to be taken vaginally than by mouth (you know, closer proximity, better absorption, etc.), but it's just weird. And S. is starting to get that wonky progesterone feeling. She didn't turn into uber-bitch, but felt just a litte---off--the last time she took them. So, let's hear it for TWW! I honestly feel like it's our first real one in a while, since the last one we already knew wouldn't work. It's a nice feeling, actually, and I don't think I'm minding it so far. Of course, ask me how I feel about it in about a week and I'll probably have a different answer. --cd

The Sperminator

Well, today was the day. After grappling with whether we should do it last night, this morning, skip work and do it today, or just this afternoon, we decided we would each go to school for the day and meet back home at 3:00. I had to skip my faculty meeting for this and I think S. missed dismissal. Hope I'm not in trouble!

Anyway, I actually SAW the cervix this time. I took the liberty of looking at it while S. was at the baby factory, so I knew what it should look like and then voila! There it was. It was like magic and it just popped right into view. So, hopefully I coated it well with the swimmers and the rest of them have found their way up into the uterus okay.

I'm relieved it's over. It'll be super-sweet if this works. If it doesn't, I think we'll both be happy to be doing the next cycle at the doctor's office. The stress of when to do the insem. was killing us all yesterday and today. We're terrible at making decisions and sticking with them, and when you're making a $500 (or lifetime, depending on how you look at it) decision like this, it makes you ridiculously stressed and anxious--which we all know is no good for babymaking. So!! Hats off, sperm tank--I won't be sad to never see you again. May you be a remnant of our past lives and endeavours, something to laugh and reminisce over--but never, ever be in our bedroom, again!

READY

I'm 1 to 2 days away from a peak reading - I can feel it. Plenty of fluid, some ovary aches. C'mon! Baby Daddy is here and I'm ready. I mean really ready. Really really ready. I want everyone we know (and those we don't) to send a good vibe, a comment, or a prayer our way over the next few days. I'm feeling the need for some lovin!
-sp

How about a baby IN a Louis Vuitton?

Well, the appointment went well. I like her. I felt the baby factory feeling, but if the end result is...well...a baby, ok. She had a resident with her who did all the work, the notetaking, the exam, the history. I think we surprised them both by knowing so much about my cycle. I mean I told her like 5 times that I have short luteal phase, but she wasn't hearing it until I said that I ovulated on day 20 last cycle and got my period on day 29. Her response..."wow, clomid should help you!" I remember that last time with the meds I was not so gung-ho afterward. Will I regret it again? I don't know.
We plan to go ahead and do one more at-home insem this month, timed with the fertility monitor. It's kind of like a hail-mary. Unfortunately, we find out that insurance kicks in after an entire year of trying (which is quite progressive - go MA - some states have no infertility coverage). However, one year of trying means one year in the doctors office, of covering our own bills. $$$ - I hope we don't run out. The 3 iui's we did in NYC count, but not our at-home insems. Policy is "12 months of contact with sperm," now why won't they cover us at home when they cover every other hetero couple who does it at home? The heteros I know who are trying don't even know when they ovulate! I understand the frozen/fresh factor, but if we were trying at home with fresh, would they cover us? I think not. Damn heterosexist society! Bah humbug, it is what it is! And, though I'm scared to admit it...I feel lucky this cycle for some reason. If it happens at home the RE apt. is redundant - saving us mega-bucks and a lot of energy and ifrustration. Today is day 10 - so about a week from now we need all the hopes and prayers in the world. C'mon baby...Mommy wants a Louis Vuitton for Christmas!

Soup it up

We're going to the city after our dr.'s appointment tomorrow. I really don't know what to expect at the doctor's, I really don't. I don't know what it means that we'll be working with an R.E., and I don't know what else she can do for us. So, here's hoping this isn't a horrendous experience that makes me feel as if I'm in a baby factory. The only happiness I feel about it is that they probably have a great deal of experience helping lesbos get pregnant, it being in Western Mass and all--so! Here's hoping our midwestern R.E. has an open mind and is a good shot with a syringe and catheter.

And..we're eating soup dumplings this weekend. Can't get much better than that!

We're sell-outs

Obviously, S. did not go on a mad hunt for sperm. It's nice to daydream about, but it's just something we would never, ever do. To add to the annoyance of this cycle, our r.e.'s office called Tuesday to inform us that, less than a week before our appointment, we couldn't see this doctor because she wasn't taking any new patients. Apparently, the dumbass who made our appointment was unaware of this. Now we're pushed back to 11/10, which likely means another cycle at home. We're not really happy about this at all, but we just want to get it out of the way. We know that we'll pretty much never see our doctor again after this one appointment, and just be working with the techs and nurses when we go in for ultrasounds and IUIs. It's just the reality of going to a big infertility clinic, and at this point I think we're both willing to accept this. It will be hard for us, since we were so used to seeing Dr. K. every single time we went into the clinic in NYC, and HE was the one who inseminated us--but we're willing to throw that close relationship away and sell it out for some answers and some stirrups.
--cd

Can I buy you a drink?

I got a peak reading and all my signs are lined up - if I had sex TODAY I would get pregnant. I am going on a mad hunt for sperm.

Anyone have some extra sperm?

Yup! She's right...totalled. We need the "real stuff" to do this. Fresh sperm, aka "man-goo" has so many advatages - it lives longer, swims better and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. It's too much money and too much stress to play this guessing game any longer. From now on, Dr. monitored cycles or we need to ask someone for the swimmers! That's a hard decision..but it sure would make things easier. We suck at this. We question everything and keep making bad decisions. Boo!

Totalled Sperm

When the insurance company says your car is "totalled," it stands for "total loss"--as in, there is absolutely nothing salvagable about your car. We just totalled $500 worth of sperm. It went crashing into S.'s not-so-open (apparently) cervix and was destroyed. Now S.'s cycle is basically unsalvagable.

At least, that's how I'm feeling right now. I know I was kind of lighthearted about it before, but this morning the fertility monitor got a peak reading--meaning, S. is about 24-48 hrs. away from her LH surge. Obviously, the swimmers we injected Thursday night are long-gone and have zero chance for survival until S. ovulates.

I just feel so pissed off! I knew this would happen-it's really just our luck. Why couldn't S.'s body have held off getting her peak reading until tomorrow--at least then, we could have ordered sperm and had them on our doorstep by Tuesday with enough time to insem. ::sigh:: I have some cervix investigating to do, because I swear there was more fertile mucus last Thurs. than there is now. WTF? I'm so confused by S.'s cycles, as is S., that I just can't wait to get back to the dr.'s office, where they can monitor the little egg follicle so we know when that baby's about to drop. I feel kind of like a failure for feeling that way--and not being positive about doing it at home---but for us specifically, this is just a better way. More power to those couples who attempt and succeed at home-I have the utmost respect for you, especially now that we've tried (and failed) twice!

Timing is everything...

...and our timing really sucks. For the second month in a row, I think we missed S.'s peak fertility period. Last month, we blamed it on the monitor, because it broke and we kind of slacked on the other parts of fertility monitoring. This month, there really isn't much of an excuse, other than S. can never seem to get a peak reading, and now she feels like her cervical mucus is "shrivelling up." Great. And here we are with a tank of sperm in our hallway. ::sigh:: We're hoping against hope that even if she ovulated, the egg is still descending. Otherwise, as S. so eloquently put it today, "it's like rolling up a $500 bill and sticking it up your tw*t." So classy, that one.

Timber!

Wow! I actually followed through with something and downloaded our tree pictures. Exciting, right? So, here you go...

S., looking anxiously on with baby Zachary (our buddy Larry's baby-he was there to help our tree dude chip all that brush!)

Here's our tree dude with the ill-fated fir. (See him in the orange?)

Bye-bye big tree! May you have a happy life as firewood and mulch. ::sigh::

Buh-bye trees!

We had an interesting and long day today. Weird Tree Man, along with our buddy Larry and their assistant, Creepy Old Vet Dude With the Hydraulic Dump on His Truck (I'll just call him "Creepy Dude") came to take down not 1, not 2, but 3 trees total from our backyard. They actually ended up taking down 4 including a dead one on our neighbor's lawn. Our neighbor recently lost his wife and has been so depressed he hasn't managed to get out to mow or do anything in regards to keeping up his lawn. So, between me, S., and our neighbor Ted, we do things around the yard to keep it up.

Anyway, back to the trees. It was sort of traumatizing watching this huge, beautiful, 50-year-old (at least) fir tree come down. First, it was traumatizing because S. was holding Larry's baby and felt like the tree was going to crash down on both of them. Kind of scary. Needless to say, she went inside with the baby. Next, it was just sad to say, "Well, tree, you're perfectly healthy, but you're just in the way, so buh-bye! Have a nice life as firewood!" S. and I are relatively environmentally-conscious people. We recycle, S. drives a responsible vehicle, and we don't waste water, oil, or electricity. So this seemed really out there for us, to take down a tree for the sake of our yard's vanity. Was it wrong, or was it all in the name of making our house a happy home? Well, the results really do speak for themselves--the yard looks, like, really good (if I'm ever in the mood, I'll post pictures, but I'm notoriously lazy when it comes to downloading stuff of the digi cam).

And..you know what? We're just sad people lately, to be honest. We really want a kid!! Seriously, man--it's like, let's just get pregnant already! And we miss our life in NYC, and our friends, and the places where we hung out. We're homesick for a home that was never really ours, and babysick for a baby we don't have yet. What is wrong with us?!
--cd

I might even smoke!

Well, she's here again. F*cker. It's not that I didn't know she was coming. In fact, I knew I didn't ovulate because my temps were all fucked up. Still sucks...
I'm excited though for our next cycle with my new vitamins and working fertility monitor. It's like turning over a new leaf. Plus, I'm going to ask my doctor for a referral to an RE tomorrw. So, that's like a light at the end of the tunnel - well, I hope so at least.
On the bright side - I'm getting LOADED this weekend!

Baby not on our mind

We had a big weekend--we got the heat plumbed through the rest of the house. (Well, not us--the plumber and S.'s dad did it.) Man, they worked their little fannies off, but they got it all done in a day and a half. Good work, men!

As for us, we had a little tag sale on Saturday. We made about $75, and we only sold crap! The people around here really weren't into paying $50 for a set of end tables or a nice set of dishes. Instead, they went for the 25 cent books, some baskets, journals, and like I said--other crap. Works out for us, though! We get to have dinner out next weekend from the profit.

On the baby front, S. still hasn't gotten AF, but we're pretty sure she's not pregnant. I mean--no sore nips, no weird twangs in the belly, and she sure hasn't been acting pregnant--she's been drinking some beer and wine--definitley not your typical tww behavior. We're also about 99.99999% sure she never ovulated. So, yeah, it probably didn't work. However, she has her dr.s appt. on Wednesday, so she can finally get that referral to an R.E. So hopefully, we'll be doing our insems in stirrups, just like she prefers!

Oh, and that mouse--caught him on Saturday, too--those clap traps are really way more humane than the glue traps, because the little guy is killed instantaneously. On the glues they starve to death, which is way more cruel and could take days and days. Gross either way, but I put him in our compost pile to he can rejoin the earth with the other decomposing things out there. It was my way of saying good-bye and thanks for not pooping on the kitchen floor anymore!